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Has anyone dealt with a major loss before? Or trauma related to death? I'm a senior in college and I just lost my Grandma a few months ago. It was the first loss I've ever experienced and it came so suddenly. I wasn't able to say goodbye to her either. 2 days after her death I had to go back to school and I just wasn't ready, I was very close with her. Thankfully my friends and teachers are being patient. I was starting to feel better emotionally when this past sunday I watched a freshman die. I was cashier at the school's cafeteria when he fell right outside the window. He was groggy, hardly awake, and could barely move. A police officer came to help and called 911. An ambulance came and checked his pulse and immediately took him inside the ambulance. A few moments later a firetruck came and brought out a Lucas (automatic CPR machine). I didn't know what it was at the time and thought the kid was still alive. Eventually they all left for the hospital. I kept telling students that I'm sure he was okay, and tried to calm down a bunch of people. I had to work after seeing all that. The next day in class my friend got an email that a student died and I knew it was him. I started bawling and left to call my Mom. She talked me through everything and calmed me down. Now I keep thinking about that kid thinking about when he died and if he was still alive when the ambulance got there. Then I see his probably lifeless body being dragged onto the gurnee. This kid who was maybe 17-18 in an unfamiliar place with his family 1,000 miles away. I just hate thinking about it but my OCD is hyper fixated on it. I'm stressed out from school and can't process all of the loss I've experienced. I can't afford therapy right now and am on a waitlist for a free, volunteer based therapy group. Has anyone been through something similar or has any advice??

Ok so I really need help I’m freaking out So I’ve heard a friend of mine say “that kid is hot” or something like that. She even said that Chucky the doll was hot but I don’t know if chucky is a kid or not but anyways I’ve heard my other friend say someone was cute and they looked like a minor. I saw a picture of a girl that passed from the Travis Scott concert that was 16 and before I knew her age because she didn’t look younger at all I had an intrusive thought that she was “hot” but was like no she’s just really pretty and now I’m freaking out because what if I’m a monster now? I don’t want anything to do with a minor ever! I don’t understand. Because people say things like my friend said and it doesn’t bother them but when my mind says things it freaks me the heck out. Is it normal to think or say those things? I’m lost. I think it’s wrong and I feel real icky and horrible about it.

Hi all, I'm new here and I guess self diagnosed or unsure of if I have HOCD. So I'd just like to get my story out there and just see if it's relatable at all or if I'm just denying my feelings, if anyone can respond..(sorry for a long one) It's been causing me a lot of stress lately and it can't shake the constant loop of thoughts like "Am I a lesbian", "you're not boy crazy so you must not be attracted to men", " you fit these stereotypes so that must mean you are". It all started when I was young like 13/14 when I had watched lesbian porn online accidentally at first and then I had watched a few more because it was the first time I had watched porn at all, let alone same sex porn. So I guess I was curious at the time and like you read "sexual things can cause a sexual response". So I was fine with what I watched but then like a few years later it was like, you watched that video and had a sexual response that must mean you liked it and want to be in that type of relationship. And that really stuck in my head. I began thinking about how I've never had a boyfriend and never felt like my friends when they would be drooling over boys, but I just assumed that having a boyfriends was something I'd get when I was older and like ready. Like I did have crushes, but also had low self esteem and just assumed that no guy would ever like me. Additionally I don't think I've ever looked at another girl and felt attracted to them or the need to be with them. But then reading things online caused me to doubt that. Anyways the thoughts come and go and sometimes I'm able to tune them out for months or years, but recently I have been really stressed about them. I currently have a boyfriend and I enjoy spending time and being with him. But these thoughts have been causing a lot of anxiety with respect to my relationship because then I think am I just dating him to his my feelings,I'm just stringing him along and using him. But I know that I don't want to break up. I find that I am searching stuff online a lot to try and find an answer, and then reading all those things makes me compare myself. Like the stereotypes and things I put to myself like oh I like playing sports that's a masculine thing, and how I dress and I don't find myself pretty or dainty so that must mean I'm not girly. It's a thought overload and making me so anxious because I feel like I don't know myself anymore and that I fear I've been lying to everyone if I figure out that I'm not straight. and like even if I thought I was bisexual that would be okay because that doesn't completely eliminate dating men, and I could still only date men. But being completely on the other end of the spectrum would feel like I'd have to completely shift my thoughts to fit and make these looped thoughts go away. I guess all I want to know is if this is normal or if it's ocd at all, am I just lying to myself or trying to hide my true self because I'm afraid of the consequence?? And I know that reassurance seeking which I shouldn't do hahah but this is my first time seeking ocd help and I may not get a therapist soon because of where I live.

What i really want to know is how to use ERP in the lost of attraction to woman thoughts and feelings. Like thoughts i have never been attracted to woman IT was all a lie. The feelings of feeling repulsed to the womans body , IT doesn't arrouse me anymore. I lost IT when hocd started. And the part i cant Push into is this. I agree with all the attraction to men. I agree with the feelings of arrousel to men the feelings of feeling gay, the feelings of wanting sex with men. But the other part is harder. And i dont know to do Erp for that. And that is the part i lost my attraction to woman, i want to recover im so ready to do what i need to. I Just only need someone who can tell my how to the Erp for those thoughts ; - feel no attraction to woman means im gay - feeling like i dont like straight sex anymore - feelings like woman vigina is repulsing me now( very hard one cause i liked it much before this) - feelings like i never get my love back for woman - specially the rocd thoughts i should leave my girlfriend cause im in denail etc - when i see a men and woman i feel only attraction to men and i go check Them Both - feeling like my sexuality changed over time. - i have backdoorspikes cause i feel no anxiety and feel like i like and want the thoughts

The thing that keeps me stuck is that my mind ist telling me i‘ll never be 100% happy and the thing that needs to be fixed is me transitioning. Yesterday i saw a tik tok with the sound „just know that if you hide, it doesnt go away“ and it showed a girly girl who became a man and just kept beeing a girl the whole time because of society. I‘m scared that this is me and that i‘am in big denial. I never in my life felt like this. But when i look at guys i sometimes had the thought: „if i was a guy i would dress like that too!“. I also liked dressing as a guy sometimes because i felt „cooler“ and more „safe“ and comfortable. But i‘ve never thought i will question my gender because i seemed perfectly fine beeing a girl in the past. I liked Dressing feminine also to appeal to the other gender but i liked it that way in the past:( Now i overthink everything..

i wanna fucking scream and cry over my intrusive thoughts. it's incredibly disturbing and won't stop. i can't stop it. i can't not perform a compulsion(every though it only makes them worse, and i can't ignore it. i hate this. i hate myself. i just want to go to sleep without thinking about this please. i feel so sick and ashamed of myself. i'm genuinely so scared i'm gonna hurt someone. idk what to do anymore. i just want help.

Anyone else stuck feeling depersonalization almost all the time? When my anxiety/ocd got bad it’s like it hit me and won’t go away. I’ve developed the fear of losing my mind because of the way it makes you feel. I’m stuck and don’t know how to deal with this.

It feels as if my new theme is making me scared of being home alone... like it petrifies me, I think i'm suffering from suicidal OCD and i can't look at the pill bottles we have without feeling anxious, the bleach bottle, anything... this theme is worse than HOCD which I suffered with in the past, because at least then I could deal with being home alone as long as I distract myself, with this it feels like there's no distraction. I recently restarted my zoloft and that's when i started feeling like this and i don't know if it's from the zoloft OR just a trigger response because i know the side effects can be suicidal thoughts, i hate the idea of death. Death scares me so much, I will avoid certain situations if I feel like there's a chance I will die. I will avoid certain foods, my mom has to check my medicine incase I take the wrong one. EX : I have a headache so I take tylenol, ill look at the bottle and it will say tylenol but for some reason my brain still thinks it's the wrong bottle. This theme is hurting me so much. I want to cry, my mom doesn't think it's my OCD which hurts even worse. I don't know what to do.

I’m so confused. People talk about if your thoughts bring you peace then they must be true. But as I’ve has HOCD so long they cause me less anxiety. The only time I feel slightly more at ease is when I can tell myself they aren’t true. But that’s so tiring these days. Last night for example I just felt like I had completely given up fighting, I felt so depressed that the thoughts could be true but I couldn’t be bothered to reason with them. Does that mean they are true? Sorry for this messy message I’m just very confused.

Does anyone with TOCD has like „two personalities“ inside of themselves. Like I have my „old selve“ were i liked to dress girly and be a lady and so on, which now often feels fake and like i am in denial. And then I have the „Trans“ side that feels really scary like i am a man inside. I do try to supress the side that tells me „I am a man“. I don‘t know which „person“ is the true one inside of me :( Maybe someone can help?

What am I supposed to do while I sit with the discomfort

One of my closest friends since 6th grade is planning on visiting me soon. I havent spoken with him in almost a year, havent talked to them in over a year infact, keep making excuses when they ask me to talk. (i live in a different country than them). Now this friend thats visiting me is living his best life in the Uk, has a gf, going to a top tier Uni, partying everyday and Im just rotting in my house since ocd began. I dont feel like myself, I feel gay in denial, depressed, ßuicidal and a weirdo, a total mess. I dont want to meet him in this condition, I hate this, I wish I was d ead. How the fuck did things get so bad for me? Sorry for ranting, Im tired and sad

Is betterhelp actually good? Like for stuff that isn’t ocd.

I'm really thinking it's not OCD I'm dealing with, but just anxiety, because my anxiety continues all day, and I'm not fearing anything but being alone. I feel like my depression is feeding into my anxiety making it harder to be by myself without being afraid. I keep contradicting myself, and all of you who read my posts know that. But basically, the only thing I fear is losing a loved one. I don't fear death myself, I'm just selfish enough to say I would rather be the first one to go, although I know God is the only one who knows who goes when. As far as OCD, I don't think not wanting to cook or do dishes is an example of what it is. Neither is wanting to be done with after dinner chores at 7:00 pm for relaxation time before bed. Maybe, me hearing others using the Lord's name in vain, cussing, yelling, hitting another person, being disrespectful to others etc would be. Being unable to make up my mind might be. Using a Jack Sparrow saying,"What say you."

I really hate when the sexual thoughts is about family members (mom,sister) I feel disgusted of my self and scared I mean what if someone know what is inside my mind or what if I said it out loud,my family loves me and here I am with these thoughts I would do anything to get rid of them, even sometimes i feel there is someone else in my head, the most fu*ked up part is when I get arousal by these thoughts Any one relate to this so i can know that I’m not crazy..

TW : ANTIDEPRESSANT SIDE EFFECTS Question for everyone, i don't really think i'm a depressed person? i have OCD and sometimes it can be a few weeks where i'm afraid to socialize and all that but i can still eat and attend classes, same with anxiety, this antidepressant (Zoloft 50mg) i've taken it before and it worked and i felt great, i stopped it mid september and started again around October 27th? that little time slot where i wasn't taking it consistently i felt great too! From October 27th until now, I feel not like myself anymore? I don't want to eat 90% of the time, i have difficulty staying asleep and i'm having really bad suicidal thoughts to the point where i don't want to be alone cause i'm genuinely afraid i'll do something. I'm not a suicidal person, im petrified of death, i have contamination OCD, if i think something is filled with germs / could possibly harm me i don't take it. My mom thinks I actually want these thoughts but I don't. I have to keep taking it until I see my doctor on monday but both experiences i've had with antidepressants have sucked now, and I just don't want to take them anymore. There are moments where it feels like i can "break free" from the fog and feel the urge to eat or call a friend to hang out or even participate in normal activities and then it just immediately gets blocked. What do you guys recommend I do? ://

Is giving in an option cause i am going through what feels like the worst..When said to other people that u are in denial they are affected and anxious but if someone says that to me i am more calm than anxious and I don’t pay attention but the problem is if I don’t pay attention and that could strongly just mean that i have just been in denial all this while and not accepting stuff?!? And all the past compulsions were a lie and ig i forced it or what?!? Some people come out late in life like in their late twenties what if all this today could lead to that.. I don’t understand these thoughts have started to feel too real to not give in to them… i am tired of seeking reassurance cause does that actually do something or do I actually even want to cause it feels so real like i like them and i want to indulge in these stuff …. What do i do.. i am so close to giving up

Can somebody share some erp examples for rocd? I tried in nocd app, but it didn't help for me

This doesn’t really have to do with OCD as much as it does with other things, But actually it does because I am a person who struggles with a lot of obsessions and compulsions. I also struggle with depression, ADHD, severe anxiety/ panic, and addiction as well. This is not a fun combo but I am sure many of you already know that! Does anyone else ever feel extremely depressed, lonely, hopeless, and scared at night? I feel like I have literally no one to talk to ever. I also feel like my OCD has pushed me away from potential friends and keeps me isolated. OCD amongst other things has really turned me into someone who isnt very like-able, I dont even like myself anymore. Back to my point though, I have the most energy at night, am unable to sleep, and always feel incredibly alone. Any helpful suggestions on how to self soothe and cope with these feeling which are intensified bc of sleep deprivation?

I don’t understand every waking moment is something gay thoughts I wake in morning to go to restroom anything that might look like a penis or dildo I have thoughts of you want to put that in your ass, or I’m driving on the road and see people use a right hand turn blinker and think it means there calling me gay I work as a driver driver for Amazon and any time they talk about a package I auto think of gay things or I deliver to someone a dude and my brain won’t shut up I want to get therapy but I have no insurance isn’t it through the roof? This has gone beyond repair I worry sometimes fuck man this hurts bad