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the NOCD Community

How do you get past the trauma of your first big OCD episode? Mines happened three months ago at home. I vividly remember that day. Everything was going normal until the afternoon when an old video triggered the intrusive thought about “what if I harm my mom.” I remember the tremendous fear that I felt in that moment. Even writing about this now is hard I feel my chest tightening. That month was really hard for the first time in my life I felt like my life had no purpose. I had no idea how I was going to get through the day let alone the week and the rest of my life. That was the moment I hit rock bottom. Now that I am in therapy I have had my fair share of wins and defeats. Most of the times I let this fear of returning to the place I was a couple months ago consume me pulling my back into episodes of depression. I hate always feeling scared and having these intrusive thoughts and feeling out of my body and not recognizing myself in the mirror. It’s hard because I feel disgust about myself. Like I’m my own worst enemy. With the holidays around the corner I’m scared to go back home. I feel sadness because my roommates cannot stop expressing their excitement about going back home yet I’m sitting here in anxiety reminiscing on the fact that I’m might hit rock bottom again. I want to feel Ike myself and be excited about seeing my parent instead of being scared of not only getting these thoughts but the strong emotions that I felt. One of the current themes that I have is the idea of being or going crazy and suicidal OCD. My suicidal OCD makes me feel like it will be to hard to handle and I might do something to harm myself although I don’t want to. I just want advice because I miss my parent but scared cause, I don’t trust myself to be physically and emotionally ready to because I miss myself I grief who I was as a friend, sister, and daughter. I want to stop feeling out of my body and overall terrified .

Is there anyone with Racism themed OCD? I've been really struggling with this taboo theme & I'm finding it hard to function/find myself avoiding people out of fear of being perceived as racist. I constantly worry that I'm being perceived as racist. I'm white, I consider myself to be an ally of BIPOC and to work on being anti-racist. Lately though, I get hit with a ton of intrusive thoughts about coming across as racist when I speak to a BIPOC, which causes anxiety, which my anxiety probably then appears racist to the other person. I can't imagine what BIPOC have to endure on a daily basis just because of their skin color, so I'm not trying to make this about me. I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this or if other people struggle with this OCD theme. To be honest, it's pretty severe and it's attacking my core, because this "theme" feels opposite to what I value (being an ally, fighting to be anti-racist & dismantle racism) & who I am. I can tell that other people notice I'm anxious, and I just hate that I'm displaying nervousness because I'm sure it makes the other person uncomfortable. I know I'm coming off as anxious to other people. I know it because I'm trying so hard not to be perceived as racist, to get the interaction "right", that interactions just get weird, anxiety filled & awkward & I'm sure the other person is like wtf, this person is a racist. I don't know how to stop getting so lost in my head. I've tried to tell myself "Maybe I am a sick, racist human being, oh well", but that doesn't help because I don't agree with that statement.

Why does Rocd have to push me so hard?? Why do i have to be afraid all the time that i will be abandoned or betrayed??? My mind is creating scenarios over and over again so i ask.for reassurance from my husband even for the smallest details...its a torture because i feel anxious, doubtful and guilty as I don't show trust and feel like a sick person...i want it to leave me at last, it's like living with your enemy inside your head every single second...help guyyyys!!!

Does anyone else feel like there is something missing from you like you feel empty? I’ve been in therapy for about a month and a half and have gotten a lot better according to my therapist although sometimes I don’t feel the progress. However, on the good days with OCD I feel empty like a piece of me is empty.

My grandma let me stay home from school today because I’ve been doing really bad and I had an upset stomach so I was stuck in the restroom but I completely forgot we had a test for band and a football game (season ended, it’s like an extra game) so I’m getting 3 zeros and I feel super anxious/guilty for not going now. But at the same time, I am struggling terribly to keep up. I’m in band, the math team, high q and academic decathlon. Additionally, I’m in calculus , an AP course which is also very time consuming and demanding. I have meetings for one of the clubs every day. So I usually get home around 5 or 6 depending on the day and then I spend an hour trying to do my calculus homework that I’m really not understanding, I shower and eat and then get maybe 2 hours to myself before I have to go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. My calculus/math team teacher is disappointed in me because of my low grade but I really do try. I don’t study every day like she wants me to, but I squeeze in when I can and I show up the mornings that I need help and stay for her math practice for two hours. My band teacher’s try to be understanding which is why I feel guilty and on Tuesday’s I have sectionals but I can’t go because I have math team practice and my math team teacher said if I go and miss practice more than once she’ll kick me off the team. My academic decathlon teacher is the biggest sweetheart ever and always so understanding but if I decide to go to his meetings I miss out on practicing my clarinet so that my band director isn’t upset. (I’m first chair in his top band). Weekends are the Only time I have off and that was only recently , when marching season was going on a few weeks ago I had competitions every Saturday. I’m also supposed to be applying to colleges but I’m struggling to find the motivation for anything. And while all this is going on, my home life is a mess. My sister struggles severely with depression and has even been diagnosed with psychotic tendencies. It makes me so anxious/upset/hurt and frustrated when she threatens my family. She’s constantly in and out of the mental hospital and always takes my stuff without asking and leaves glue/paint all over it. My grandparents are very stubborn and see things the way they want , which means they have a lot of misconceptions about mental health that don’t make it any easier on my sister and I. My mom I only see every couple of days and let’s just say my relationship with her isn’t the best and she also has her own problems going on. My relationship is long distance too which is very difficult but my partner is so supportive and loving which helps me so much and the fact that we’re long distance means I have time to myself which is good because of how busy I am but sometimes I miss his presence so much. But worst of all is that underneath everything I am struggling so much with my ocd. It doesn’t even feel ocd some days. Everyday in band, in calculus, at football games, in the restroom at school I’m just ruminating and googling, having intrusive thoughts/urges about sexual orientation ocd. Everyday I grieve for the girl I used to be and I grieve for the love and attraction I had for my beautiful boyfriend who I really want to marry one day but I feel doomed to become something I don’t want to be. Those thoughts are what drains the life out of me, the reason I don’t want to go to school or enjoy my extracurricular actives , the reason I don’t study as much or read as much. Because I feel so sad to have my identity compromised , to have to stolen from me. To feel less than I am, to feel unworthy of the love I receive. To wonder if there is something wrong with me, that hurts me more than anything. That was just a large vent I needed to put out there

I’ve been struggling lately with the idea that people are selfish beings and everything we do is out of our own self interest. Like even with my mom, whom I love more dearly than anyone else on this planet, I feel like she doesn’t love me but rather the way I make her feel. Same with friendships and everything else. I feel like my friends don’t like me, but they like the way I make them feel about themselves and how they themselves are happy when they’re around me. Does anyone else feel this way? Any advice?

Along with checking forums and blogs etc, I've got into a bad trap of compulsively masturbating to porn of or fantasising about men to prove my attraction to them. I enjoy it and I know I like it, but I still keep doing it nonetheless for short term reassurance/relief. I'm a bisexual female in the most loving relationship with a guy, we have a great sex life and communicate about everything, but I still keep doubting my preferences or levels of attraction because I'm sexually attracted to women too. I'm constantly trying to make sure that it's okay or 'right' that I'm with him and check if I 'should' be with a woman instead, even though I know how I feel and that my biggest fear is losing him. I'm sick and tired of it, and wondered if anyone else has this physical compulsion too, not for reassurance but so I don't feel so alone.

What is the link between alcohol and ocd?

Nobody else in my family has OCD so it's very difficult for them to understand or even care and it makes me feel really lonely

How do we accept uncertainty when it comes to our sexual orientation.. especially when this subtype makes us so confused. Do people actually get over this theme? Any tips from my fellow suffers? 😔

I woke up today terrified cause I didn’t feel connected to my body. I looked in the mirror and thought I was watching someone else and that was scary. Feeling depersonalized fueled my intrusive thoughts. Like “what if I’m going crazy”, “what if I have shifted personalities” or “what if I’m bipolar.” The fear of turning crazy also fueled the intrusive thoughts of me acting mentally crazed or like a child. These intrusive thoughts also tainted me into believing that everything I did was something a mentally crazed person would do. Now I have become more hyper aware of how I feel when I do simple things. This also fueled my OCD subtypes like harm/ suicidal because I think that if I’m not connected to my body then I have no control or might do irrational things. This feeling of not being connected to yourself is really scary and I hate the feeling. How do I get connected with myself again.

I don’t know if I have schizophrenia or if my ocd is making me think I do 😢😢😢

I recovered from OCD almost 2 years ago. I struggled immensely with existential OCD, and worried a ton about things like religion, god, the afterlife, etc. I’ve also struggled with and recovered from real event OCD, pure O, and many other themes. I would like to answer any questions anyone has about recovering from OCD! Would love to provide insight and tips and hopefully help as much as I possibly can. Sending you all good vibes

It just keeps feeling like it’s my answer and that I just need to accept it. I cannot even tell if it’s ocd any longer. It’s just this feeling

I literally feel like I can’t be with my husband of almost 18 yrs anymore. I have feelings I should leave him day and night, 24/7 which are torturous. My psychiatrist said he should leave for a couple of weeks to see if I miss him or have a desire to be with him. My girls are very attached to him and I can’t see that working out for them. My older daughter already has anxiety issues and it would just get worse if he leaves. He takes care of so many things such as bills. Even when my husband goes away I have awful feelings against him. I just want to feel better towards him. Don’t know what to do anymore. These thoughts have been really bad for over 3 years straight. I can’t take it anymore.

Has anyone had intrusive thoughts pop into their heads about killing people you know/ are in your life? I feel like a crazy person, these thoughts are so messed up. I keep trying to do thought stopping but its not working 😢 i feel this need to confess these thoughts to the people they are about. Has anyone had these thoughts? What if its not ocd

Is seeing an OCD specialist still worth it even when your symptoms are currently low? I want to start soon, but the fact that OCD is not giving me that much anxiety is demotivating me

Why is it wrong for someone with OCD to seek reassurance? Does it really prevent us from learning how to tolerate stress?

🆘 is this consider assault? It’s definitely uncomfortable that’s for certain My friend a female like me in English class we sit next to each other and I was focused on reading then suddenly I felt a hand in my rib cage touching the edge of my breast. I was so taken back like “WHAT THE F-“ the fact it was my friend I didn’t know if I should be relief or be in double shocked that he would make me feel unsafe. I’m friends with her for 6 years I’m 16. She’s been assaulted 4x so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt that she would have the intention to assault me I know her in real life and I doubt she would have the intention of assaulting someone. She was like “oh I’m just checking if your rib cage hurts cause mine does” I thought it was still weird cause she could’ve asked no matter how close you are with someone please ask my body is still mines not yours just cause we are dating or the relationship is very close. We are still two separate bodies. I am very insecure with my breast size every girl at school has some bump so I always cover it with a jacket even if it’s hot in the summer I suffered with the raging heat because my insecurity is even bigger. My mom’s friend had birthed this insecurity since I was 10 “eat more like my daughter, you are very skinny if you don’t have boobs no boys will like you” this forever echoed at the back of my mind. A very clique apology from my mother. Ever since that, I believe my worth is tied with the size of my breast and I’m not good enough despite my talents I can offer to the world. So after she explained why she touched me and felt my embarrassing size of my breast I reassured her and said “I’m a late bloomer that’s why I don’t have big boobs” she whispered loud enough for the kids in front of us and maybe back to hear “You’re growing your boobs?”Cause it was silent reading time how could you not hear that. IT WAS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING. I tell people I have anxiety presentation but honestly it’s because they’ll examine my embarrassing body on top of my shaky voice. Once your up to present people have the right to scan you head to toe and there is nothing to cover you, because you have to be presentable for everyone. MY ONCE ALREADY BIG INSECURITY NOW BECAME A RAGING FIRE 🔥

Does anyone identify as bisexual and experience Sexual Orientation OCD? When I was younger, I genuinely thought I was straight, and being attracted to non-men (I say that to include people who fall outside of the gender binary) was such a taboo that I would get intrusive thoughts about it. However, as I got older, I realized there was nothing wrong with being attracted to non-men, so the anxiety decreased, and my curiosity increased. I decided to explore my sexuality about a year and a half ago, but the moment I started to explore, I began experiencing doubt that I was feeling anything at all towards non-men, and constantly felt like I had to prove those feelings to myself. I did end up meeting someone (they use she/they pronouns for context), fell in love with them pretty quickly, and was in a relationship with them up until recently, but I was riddled with doubt the entire time. My SO-OCD and Relationship OCD unfortunately played a significant role in the breakup, as my ex-partner constantly felt like she had to prove that she was worth being with, and I constantly felt like I had to prove my feelings to myself. It was exhausting for us both. Human sexuality is naturally a very ambiguous thing, and can be confusing even for someone without OCD, so for someone WITH OCD, that uncertainty can be intolerable. Then once the doubt sets in, it’s impossible to feel much of anything, and it’s hard to make any progress with self-exploration. It’s felt impossible to explore and understand my sexuality in a healthy way, and it felt impossible to be present with my partner. Deep down I know that I am so in love with her. They are my person, I have genuinely never felt this way about anyone. I want nothing more than to be with her again, but I want to get a handle on my SO-OCD and ROCD (amongst other things unrelated to OCD, of course) before I entertain that. If anyone has experienced anything similar to this, I would really appreciate hearing from you. Thanks for taking the time to read, and I hope you’re having a peaceful evening❤️