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the NOCD Community

I was a weird child and i did some weird sexual things when i was younger (the worst part was around 6 or 7 but i also had some weird behaviors up until i was 12) and i truly feel like a monster right now and it all makes me feel like a pedophile because, even though my sister is only a year younger, she was always with me, we got a baby brother when we were 12 and 11, that’s when my ocd started. I think i might have done something to him but I don’t remember clearly

I committed myself to working with the OCD community after learning about exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy in college, but my life completely changed once I started having intrusive thoughts myself. My son was around two weeks old, and I became terrified of harming him. From there, it snowballed, and OCD took control. Even though I specialized in treating this disorder, I still felt a lot of shame about getting help. I’m thankful I eventually did. My debilitating, first-hand experience of OCD changed me completely, and it made me the person - and therapist - I am today. I have so much compassion for people who seek treatment because I know how difficult that can be and the courage it takes. If you’re struggling with OCD, I wanted to share my experience with you to let you know I understand. Here’s my story. https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/how-my-ocd-experience-made-me-a-better-therapist

Really struggling with the idea of death, scares the shit out of me. My OCD has really clung to this and all I can think about is my Loved ones are going to die one day and so am I. I’m flooded with so many emotions ranging from fear to guilt. It’s gotten to the point where the thought of death is always in the back of my mind 24/7. I’ve been having nightmares about it now and will wake up in a full blown panic. Anyone deal with something like this? And any tips to move past this?

hey guys! it’s been awhile. i am severely anxious and depressed and have been for about a month and a half ever since i smoked weed, had a panic attack and now suffer real bad with derealization. i wanted to come on here to ask like what i can do to help myself and just make this go away man! and i know here is a safe space because we all have OCD and i think that pure fact is keeping me in the loop. other people with derealization don’t obsess over stuff as much as people with ocd. i also just think that i’ll forever be stuck in this state and it’s causing me to just like go crazy (not literally) i just don’t understand how ONE panic attack could’ve caused this. disclaimer: i’ve never had a panic attack in my life and while i was high for the first time that’s when it happened and the days and weeks following i just haven’t felt the same even though i KNOW nothing hasn’t changed it’s just so hard. i just don’t know what to do to lie get rid of this. i’ve never experienced this in my life.

So it happened. My boyfriend dumped me. Well he said it’s a break. But we’re not together for a couple days. Could last longer I don’t know. He said he wants to be with me but he needs me to change and that he needs to stick to his word and leave me because he can’t just let me back in because then that means I can just walk all over him. He wants a break because I questioned him about a girl I saw on his phone. I was in the wrong and it was a misunderstanding as usual. He just wants me to change and he isn’t wrong. I don’t wanna be like this but sometimes I just let those bad thoughts win and I go on his phone or Instagram and it makes me think am I even capable of being in a relationship if I’m this messed up? But I know I am. I know I wanna be good for him but it’s been hard lately cuz I have been hurt before so I been used to being like this. Accepting real love and loyalty is hard cuz I feel I don’t deserve it or something or I’m afraid I’ll lose it and in return I lose it cuz I’m not showing my appreciation for it. Idk I know what I need to do but it sucks I can’t really show him since we won’t be talking. I want to send him a text but I know I need to give him space and me messaging him might push him more away. :/ I hate this so much. I knew it would happen.

Look I probably haven’t got ocd I suffer from sexuality ocd but I have a lot of arousal to what I fear which is being gay I feel arousal whenever I see a man now

I think I'm just might have to accept that I might be gay or bi. I'm 38 and I've never had these feelings and it makes me feel like it's not hocd at all. I still have the want for women but it's not like it used to be. And I just feel like what's the point 😔

I need some encouragement. Having a really bad episode of compulsive behaviors after a stressful day and my OCD is health-related and I have two doctors appointment coming up. I feel like I'm going insane. I woke up in pure panic and anxiety. Please help

I have a this irrational fear of rabies for a simple petting of a stray cat. Very long story, work was stressful and long. I work at a warehouse and pretty much had to stay for overtime. After work I went to get a snack at a convenient store and after I got the snack I immediately saw a stray cat by the entrance. Since I was pretty much stressed, I wanted to pet the cat for fun and the cat was more nervous of me than anything else. It jerked a bit when I approached it and sniffed my hand, but I I started to pet it. It jerked again but stood still, and I I pet the cat with the back side of my right hand, using the index, middle, and ring finger to pet the top of it's head. I stroked it for like 5-7 times and then went to my car. I have a scab on my right pinky but didn't used it for petting. As I was going for my car I grabbed a bite of my snack, a taquito with my right hand. I realized it immediately and thought of the word rabies. My anxiety came in full force and I started to panic, I made the small error of reading anything off the internet and came across nonbite transmission with including the mouth so I got worse. I studied a bit more and learned a few more things, that rabies are extremely rare in the US and that cats actually have almost zero threat of being rabid. I asked for opinions and I got a lot of similar results, my interaction had an extremely low risk. Reasons because IF the cat was rabid even in its pre symptoms days, I can ONLY contract it through its saliva. When I pet the cat, I the hair was rough and dry meaning, it had no saliva so I'm perfectly ok. But my anxiety made it worse thinking of the impossible happening and it's scaring me. Honestly need comfort, I have all then data and proof that says I'm fine but my fear is making me believe that the extremely low case is the most probable case. It's straight up mind breaking.

…. Pain loneliness all that’s left

I need friends. Irl friends outside of this app i mean. Family life and social life is a mess. It sucks because im stuck at this house where my parents dont even talk to eachother and use me to escape that and i dont talk to anyone either not my brother and not even my cousin who lives with us. And now Im not able to talk to anyone… i tried reaching out to old friends but its obvious that the time thats passed has made things awakward. Im starting to think im the problem. I mean it is pretty obvious that i am…. Ugh

Now it’s feeling like I’m attracted to this boy in the tv show I’m watching :/ and it showed that he got a bit older? In it and I noticed his voice was deeper and now I just 🥲🙄 idk anymore if it’s attraction or not and Ive been feeling super emotional for the past couple of hours and yesterday I found out that the boy in the show is actually 20 now 😭 so idk what to think abt this Bc he’s older than me and I- idk how to explain it, I really wish I could have someone to tell my most disturbing thoughts to irl Bc I feel like no one else can understand what I’m going thru :(..

Is it normal to just dwell on the same stupid shit you did years ago over and over and over again? Mine has to do with porn, which is something I haven't watched in 7 whole months. Every single day I constantly ruminate over the videos I've seen when I was like 13-18. At such a young age I literally don't know anything about sex yet I'm curious but I can't help but see it as proof that I'm a horrible person. I'm against pornography and I hate what it does to people and societies. It's not good for anyone and it's nothing but a coping mechanism. I wish someone told me that when I was addicted to it. It's all bullshit. It's all fake and it keeps people manipulated. How do you just put the past where it belongs? Especially when you change your behaviors from who you were years ago? I used to be such a piece of shit to other people and to myself back in high school. My own friends knew that too. I'm happy that I've changed as I got older, but why does this shit still bother me? What is there to worry about? Every single day these same thoughts of "Oh you watched that weird porno. What if someone was being assault" or "what if they weren't of age" "what if you're a nasty sexual predator" and based on my emotions it feels completely real. At the same time I remember when I was much younger all I did was watch weird shit based on the childhood shows that i grew up with. I don't know why the fuck I spent so much time watching all of this nonsense, other than just being too addicted, which I'm not anymore. I just want this to go away. This has been going on ever since April 2020 and never before. Why is this now all of a sudden bothering me but it hasn't before? Why was I such a fucking idiot back in high school? Am I just being too hard on myself?

Is constant brain chatter pretty normal with OCD? Like I have periods of so much random chatter that I'm like... whoa man... And right now I'm having significant ruminations on "The only way this goes away is if you die" I'm like. What the heck. Then I'll think to that thought that that's completely untrue and continue cleaning what I'm cleaning but it's annoying as f. No I do not want to unalive myself

I haven’t worried about the knife thing in over a year.. if I thought about it I dismissed it with no problem. Earlier I was putting the cutlery away and had an intrusive thought about stabbing my daughter just because I could and now I feel like I’m going to pass out

I have had multiple different times had false attraction and anxiety when I heard a woman’s voice when I was suffering with SO-OCD. Now I’ve experienced it with a child since I’ve gotten pocd. I don’t know why but it literally makes me terrified anxious and feel very agitated.

I'm not scared of uncertainty, but I can't stand negative answers to my doubts... Is that rocd? I have doubts that keeps me in anxiety about feelings in my relationship; i feel guilty for even thinking about that and I can't "put them on silent". I was never scared of uncertainty, because each time I have a doubt; I think the answer is the negative one, that make me feel really bad (and I take these feelings as a confirmation), but I really don't want the answer to be the worst one... so is like I'm fighting with myself to find proofs that the real answer is not the bad one (the one that I don't want to be true)! And only then I can have a little peace... but the next hour; I'm sad again for the same reason! Is that rocd, or like I'm just trying to force myself😅?

Need advice on a situation that’s making my OCD act up and making me feel really bad. Please respond!! So I have a lot of OCD surrounding the fear of having had cheated on assignments/tests. I’m a college student and I really value integrity and honesty in my work. Yesterday during class we were playing this game for extra credit and we were not allowed to talk with/work together with other teams. The one guy on my team mentioned that he was in contact with one of his friends on the other team were in contact and trying to collaborate. I was PISSED. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was really shy and this guy is really confident/loud so I didn’t find the courage to stop him and I feel really bad about it. Eventually he stopped having contact with him but I’m afraid that his knowledge of stuff with the other team influenced our answers. Then this other guy on the team tried to make contact as well but I was able to shut him down and tell him to stop. The thing is I don’t think we ended up using any of the information we knew about the other team, but I really don’t know. We ended up winning the most extra credit points than any team and I feel so bad about it. SO BAD. I don’t know what to do. I really want to confess but I’m afraid of getting in trouble, afraid of getting 8 other people in trouble if they get mad at me esp cause a lot of them weren’t even the ones communicating. I’m also afraid of this desire to confess being a compulsion, but I also don’t want to benefit from anything that could possibly be cheating and I’m afraid of being associated with this. I want to do the good thing but I also don’t want to get people in trouble. I’m just really mad about this whole situation. I’m afraid the professor is going to find out if I don’t come forward/someone else will tell them before I do. Also me and the professor are close/have a professional relationship as I’m helping her out with research and she’s helping me out with a grant proposal. I’m really passionate about it and I’m afraid of losing that opportunity and afraid that I’ll lose my career/degree over this. I did not choose for those guys to do that. I did not choose to be on their team. The thing is also they were not being quiet particularly about the collaboration. It’s possible the professor heard them talking about this and already knows and is waiting for someone to come forward. I just can’t handle this. I had a nightmare about it last night and woke up in a major anxiety attack like 3 times. What do y’all suggest I do? Am I overreacting? It is just extra credit but it feels really unfair to me. Thank you for reading if you did.

Did you guys also lose the infatuation since the thoughts started?

I genuinely feel that i post for the sake of it cause nothing anybody writes back to me reassures me anymore.. is it because the thoughts i have are actually true and i know how this works now so i force these compulsions cause its easier that way? Would i actually be okay and believe if someone just disregards all this and says i am in denial and i should accept would i be okay with that? Will i have anxiety I don’t think so i am numb that nothing matters to me anymore what do i do?!