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why do I keep feeling like this Just wanna cry Just wanna cut I don’t know how to deal with this

I don’t care if this sounds mean. The man just decided to post that OCD is a beneficial disorder. It angers me so mucn that people think of ocd as this thing where it makes you more clean or it makes you more meticulous and perfect, etc. etc. it took me so long to get diagnosed with OCD because nobody could understand the fact that it’s not about being clean or having any sort of obsession with cleanliness or structure. For me, I’ve always struggled with OCPD. I’ve never not been obsessed with something in my entirety of existence. I have relationship OCD. I have OCD about being in narcissist I have OCD about climate change. I have OCD about the wars going on and how they might end up the state these things have genuinely impacted my left the point where I live in fear and I get so scared and will spend hours and hours researching the possibilities of these things being true. Misinform damages literally every single person involved even people who don’t have OCD. I’m just so sick of it. This dude has a huge platform and it really bothers me that people can get away with this shit

I had a friend last year who shared his OCD experiences with me and we bonded a lot over how we ruminated on stuff and how debilitating it was to exist as Queer people with OCD. We had a lot in common and a lot not in common. Unfortunately, because my harm and relationship OCD is so bad, I would constantly worry about harming him, especially since I am white and he is a person of color and happens to be less financially privileged than me. He has some form of relationship and harm OCD as well, but he was also extremely insecure and would get triggered by so many things. Understandably so. We’d have endless conversations about race and class and gender and sexuality, and they were enjoyable to an extent, but I always felt like most of the things I said or thought was wrong and harmful and that I needed to make up for it by doing everything I could to make him happy and comfortable, but it ended up I would agree to things I didn’t really want to do with him. We got into several huge arguments because he felt betrayed and hurt when I backed out of things I initially agreed to, I do this a lot, and I would feel overwhelming amounts of guilt and shame for harming him. I felt like I was caught in a loop of trying and never being good enough, and he would rage at me and I would cry and then he would try to comfort me, but I felt powerless and like I could never express my true feelings with him without being critiqued or criticized. He and his whole family would poke fun at me for being a “privileged white boy,” which I tried to be okay with because it’s true. But it really did poke a sore spot. I would get it in my head that I’m just a racist, terrible person and wonder why he even bothered being my friend if I was so obnoxious to him. But I also just felt like our relationship was causing me too much stress and rumination so I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore. But I really miss hanging out with him and the good times. I miss the conversations we had and the ways we used to relate and try and help each other with our mental health. I don’t miss him talking about wanting to have sex with me a lot and getting defensive when I told him to stop. I don’t miss when he would rage at me and make a confrontation turn into multiple hour-long critiques of society. I don’t miss him dismissing me asking him to give me space to focus on a task at hand as “being dismissive of real problems” because “white people never want to talk about racism,” which just wasn’t true because I spend a lot of time talking about race and racism and learning, I just can’t multi-task while I’m driving or trying to play a game and I have a really hard time with commitments and focusing. I do have ADHD as well, which isn’t always an excuse, yet I don’t think he understood how debilitating my lack of ability to focus really is, so he would constantly get angry at me for forgetting things or not being able to multi-task and I just felt like a fuck-up. But I do miss playing video games and talking about cartoons and hanging out. I don’t know what to do. I keep wanting to talk to him but it never, ever goes well. Am I just too fragile? Am I just too afraid to take accountability for my racism? I know relationships are a two-way street. And I try not to demonize him or myself in my head. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad for us to talk with each other.

so it’s been a few days i lost my best friend it’s been hard my ocd has gotten worse but i had a therapy session yesterday it went okay i guess… but i was telling her about losing my best friend and telling her i’m still highly aware that it’s ocd… she was like well a psychiatrist would diagnose u with ocd then she asked if i pay attention to numbers and im not for sure sometimes i don’t even know my compulsions.. but i do repetitively like tell people my thoughts so i’m guessing that’s repetitive reassurance.. my ocd thoughts were rlly high this morning like: “what if i hurt myself” “what if i want it to happen” “do i want it to happen because i’m going through a lot” “i don’t want it to happen… but what if there is a reason to” but it makes me nervous that i’m afraid it’s true because i think this happens from a tramatic experience from losing a classmate even tho i wasn’t as close with her it tramatized me bc she passed away due to s*cide and i guess that’s why it started my fear because she had mental issues and that started that crazy maze with my thoughts.. but not the only thing after when my best friend passed away at the funeral it was a open casket, she was rlly pale and it was rlly scary i use to constantly check myself to make sure i wasn’t gonna turn pale but it calmed down but then last night i was having trouble sleeping because i was having racing thoughts while i was sleeping so i guess i was sleeping very light but i get scared i will die in my sleep… my therapist still hasn’t figured out saying if i have ocd or not and sometimes i feel like i’m depressed or if i’m bipolar

sometimes i genuinely believe that i would be a lot better off as dead. i hate being like this. i hate being me. i don’t want to be a bad person or a burden on anyone. it’s starting to feel like i want the thoughts because they’re no longer causing me anxiety, i don’t know if that’s down to my meds or what but. it’s like i feel disgust and guilt but i don’t feel the panic if that makes any sense? i’m a terrible person, i don’t deserve any type of happiness. it all feels so real, i fully believe what my ocd is telling me even though i know this time a few months ago i wouldn’t have ever thought anything like this. when will this all stop? i feel like the right thing for me to do is end it all

I feel like dying right now

tw dark intrusive thoughts. if you saw my last post, (ok if you didn't) i talked about my contamination ocd tied to ptsd trauma of dogs. I don't know if what im about to talk about is a compulsion, but its related. And my mom tells me, that she thinks I have compulsions related to needing to talk to people about things. so i really can't stand dogs. looking at them makes me sick, triggers memories. saying the word "dog" makes me start thinking about them in a loop that i really struggle to break/can't purposely break myself. i have a lot of pain and anger revolving around dogs 😢 it feels like people have always tried to force me to like dogs. me saying "i don't like dogs." was never enough, no one would respect it, always trying to fix me and make me like dogs. (which i know it stems from trauma and so yes could/should be resolved, but i want to do it on my terms. i want me saying "i dont like dogs." to be enough and to be respected for my opinion.) again, im angry. it used to just be a fear, but now it is dark hatred. i think of my trauma; i think of people trying to force me to like and interact with dogs; i think of asking my family to please get rid of the dog for my mental and physical sake, that it was me or the dog, and they chose the dog; of when i cried my heart out to random strangers about that last thing, and they said i was selfish and they'd chose a dog over me too. im angry and hurt and don't feel like i can be healed or fixed. and ky ocd and intrusive thoughts make it worse. i used to have nightmares about dogs eating and murdering me, as i grew up i learned how to take control of the dreams and I'd kill the dogs before they could get to me. that bled into the real world mixed woth my hatred, and i cant tell if its really intrudtive thoughts or not for sure, but i think a lot about how much i want to murder dogs. whenever i see one, my first thought is "i want to kill it." a dog passed me and in a daydream im pulling out a knife and stabbing it before it gets me. when i meet up with my family all i can think about is that dog, and how much i want to push it into the road snd watch it bleed. i cannot escape dogs, they are everywhere. i became a recluse so i would limit my time seeing them in the world, only going out on rare occasions. but dogs are still everywhere on the internet. blocking tags and words doesn't work. All it takes is one TikTok ad, Amazon not loaded, and it shows me a picture of a dog and i get filled with so much pain and thoughts about how i wish i could kill every dog on this earth. and again again, im angry that people wont just accept me. i say "i dont like dogs" or "im afraid of dogs." and they tell me im a werido. and it makes me so mad and fills me with a want to tell them my real thoughts. how i constantly dream of killing dogs. they think im weird, well wait till they hear the rest. prople talking about their dogs, sharing pictures. it fills me with a want to just confess. i so deeply feel the want to tell people how much i want to kill dogs. i can't tell if i really want to kil them or not anymore. i wouldn't, but i think i do want it maybe. not to kill them, but for them to all die. i feel like i have a compulsion about telling people about my hatred of dogs. I can't stand to see them happily tallking about dogs, acting like "oh everyone loves dogs, there isn't a soul that would hate them or fear them." i want to feel seen. even if it leaves people thinking im a monster or a weirdo. i just hate people assuming automatically, that everyone and anyone loves dogs. what i really want is just a place where im free from the dogs. that i can have a happy life without all this fear, hatred, snd distress. people like me, who understand not liking dogs. so yeah this mostly turned into just a vent, i dont really remember what advice i was looking for. maybe if you think my need to tell people i hate and want to murder dogs is a compulsion, and or is you have any ideas of what i can do when i feel like this. thanks

I'm a 16 Y/O male who always had anxiety and panic attacks. Recently my anxiety went up terribly with a fear of having a brain tumor or having an aneurysm. One night this terrible thought came into my head about killing my family and how simple it would be and it scared me to death. This feeling went through my body and I kept thinking "what's stopping me" | don't think I want it but what if I do? What if one day I get so angry and snap? I feel like l'd rather take my own life before someone else's but what if that won't be the case later on? I've tried meds before but eventually just never took them. I'm not sure if I should take them again or if they'll make me even more insane. I feel like my brain won't be able to control its self someday. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I really can't stop it. I live in such a small town with not much "therapy" that's face to face. Most of it is online. I want to be okay. Can someone please PLEASE help me.

Is it OCD or something else with wanting to hurt someone but not in a gruesome way but just like I really want to trip this person kind of thing

I keep ruminating over this one thought and imagining it on purpose to test myself and I get this really bad image the thought is really bad about ripping someone’s tongue out i don’t know why the hell I started thinking about that and it’s about someone I care about and an image pops in my head today of blood around their mouth and their face looking like their in pain and I got this weird feeling I don’t know how to explain it but it makes me feel like I ‘liked’ seeing that image and I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or what the hell it is because this has happened before where I get this weird thing where it feels like I enjoy or like something in my harm thoughts and I don’t know what it is the only thing I know is I obviously am concerned because I know I don’t want to ‘like’ that but at the same time I don’t believe I don’t like it because of this weird feeling and I keep thinking what if it’s some thing where I’m secretly enjoying horrible thoughts and I’m trying to deny it or cover that feeling that’s why I feel so confused? And if It was anxiety why do I not feel negatively or at least I think I don’t feel anything negative or when that feeling comes it doesn’t feel as thought it’s a bad feeling like as if it’s good or something ? I heard someone that apparently the feeling of excitement and the feeling of adrenaline can feel the same so maybe I’m getting Adrenaline from the thought because it’s alarming me but and I’m confusing it for feeling happy or excitement/enjoying? But if I was having adrenaline or feeling anxious wouldn’t I be feeling bad and it would be an extreme feeling?? Idk but I’ve almost become desensitised to these thoughts and it’s just made things worse at least when I use to feel anxious I knew I didn’t like them now it feels like I can imagine bad thoughts on purpose in detail and am not bothered by it and I literally go out of my way to think of them and sometimes I’m worried I’m not doing it to test myself and It feels like I’m jsut imagining something horrible but idk if that’s the ‘obsession’ part of ocd coming in but I have had no professional help for this and I’ve had ocd for like 2 years now I don’t know I’m worried as well that someone can ‘become bad’ because someone on this app said they think it’s possible you can ‘become your fears’ and then I started thinking what it I’ve taken a liking or started liking these bad things because I’ve thought of them so much and keep trying to test myself by imaging them? I literally feel like I don’t feel anything negative and like I don’t feel worried or bad or guilty about thinking these things like as if I don’t know what im feeling anymore I don’t know how to deal with this

I was out grocery shopping and I got a thought that I could easily hurt everyone in here and now my head can’t stop thinking about it, I fell down the rabbit hole of mass shootings and now I’m stuck and scared. I wake up everyday scared I’m becoming a bad person.

What happened yesterday, i posted before that we got sick, now we know we got food poisoned, but we feel better, however my experience and the memories that came back makes me really uncomfortable. I got the memories when i had really bad mental health problems and i got attacked by suicidal thoughts, and i was panicking and felt depressed and like i need people to feel safe, and all these feelings and thoughts came back. Always said i had suicidal ocd but this one felt like if i couldnt have someone maybe i could lose my mind and act on the thoughts cause i was really desperate. But now im only spinning about why do i had that, does it mean im actually suicidal in hard times, and it actually makes me sick in my stomach, i feel really bad about it. One thing that makes me feel good that im so open about it and that might mean that its just ocd, but also i read posts on reddid where people shared their original suicidal experiences and those people are open too and they feel shame about the thoughts too, so it doesnt gives me the feeling that its clear that mine is just ocd... alot of times it comes up when im having a really hard time and i feel like that means something...

i’m just getting over a pretty bad anxiety attack. it also started when i was making food and a wave of nausea hit me which of course sent me into a spiral. however i started thinking about how i’ve really neglected actually trying to work through my fear and thoughts over getting sick. because i’m so hyperfocused on getting my harm thoughts to diminish and be gone, i haven’t been doing the same for my contamination. i’ve pretty much diagnosed myself with emetophobia. and i know that’s so unhealthy to do especially as someone who’s not diagnosed with anything, but there’s absolutely no way in hell that i don’t have it. i cannot remember a time where being sick wasn’t on the forefront of my mind. and i do physical compulsions for it, but i never really thought i had intrusive thoughts over it. but when this (and past plural) anxiety attack was happening, my mind was telling me “if you just get sick, you won’t have to worry about it?”. then i took a zofran and am having thoughts of “the nausea will come back and you’ll get sick”. my heart is pounding just thinking about it. over the summer when my harm thoughts got extreme, my emetophobia essentially became a backseat thought. where it was still there but i wasn’t that worried over it. and i wished for it to come back but now that it’s here, i would do anything for it to be gone. i’m so back and forth because at least this anxiety is (mostly) keeping me from getting sick as i do anything and everything i can to prevent it. anyways, i’m so sorry this was so long but i had a lot on my mind that i needed to talk about. so much love to y’all 🫶🏻

This disorder has nearly ended my life. Not even 1 hour ago i tried walking into a sea and wanting to end it because of this ocd and the loneliness that comes with it. For anyone out there you are not alone and always know that you have people out there who are by your side.

Do you cope with genuine hopelessness? Deep down I am convinced this will never get better. I think about suicide a lot, but that would hurt my family. But even being alive is hurting them because I cannot stop the mental breakdowns. I also cannot afford therapy. But it's the hopelessness. I feel that suicide is inevitable because I cannot live with this. I cannot stop self harm and I have a mental breakdown almost every week and often multiple times a week. The self harm is giving me brain damage. I literally have no hope. None.

Anyone scared of being depressed? I have harm ocd and I’m so scared that being depressed will lead me to harm myself or others even though I don’t want to and would never want to. I’m so scared that I’ll stop caring and become one of those people who hurt others. I tell myself I would never do something like that but it’s like I don’t believe it.

Right as I’m starting to feel happy again I get hit with what feels like intrusive feelings… sometimes of sadness or anger which then triggers my intrusive harm thoughts. Not sure if this is a mood disorder or just ocd. They don’t feel like what my true feelings should feel like if that makes sense.. ugh the feelings are harder to deal with than the thoughts. Trying to lean into them but it’s hard.

Yesterday my in laws said I could hold my nephew and my head said what if you throw the baby I hate OCD :( I would never harm a baby

So, I really need to talk to someone, because I'm beginning to believe that this isn't OCD anymore. Anytime I'm reminded that my intrusive thoughts or feelings are apart of a disorder, I feel sad or disappointed because it feels like there's a part of me actually wanting to act on my thoughts. Anytime I look for reassurance of any kind, it feels like I'm trying to defend my thoughts. Anytime someone tries to tell me that it's OCD or that, "I am not my thoughts." I become upset or sad. Can someone please explain to me what is going on? Is it possible for there to be an intrusive feeling on top of an intrusive feeling?

constant intrusive thoughts, constant groinal responses. couldn’t even watch a video on TikTok of a toddler throwing a fit bc she opened her legs and immediately my pocd acted up. it gives me groinal responses, bad thoughts, and feelings of anxiety, fear , and shame. I hate this. How do I get through life like this? I can’t even imagine being a teacher or a parent, because the next thought that comes is images of me hurting children. thoughts of “ur a p, ur destined to be a p, ur gonna eventually end up hurting a kid” “ur only freaking out because u know u will be shunned” I hate this. The thoughts go into so much detail and feel so real. No matter what I say or do, it argues back and convinces me im a p. Everytime I see children, anywhere, I can’t stand it because of this. I’m scared to have kids out of fear I will hurt them and do something bad to them for my own pleasure. I feel like one day im just gonna snap and hurt kids. I can’t take this at all. It feels so real. I don’t know what to do. I am crying as I am writing this. The groinal responses feel like actual arousal. I feel so angry, and sad, at the world and myself. I am scared and I think I am actually a p, and instead should get help for that instead of ocd. I don’t know what else to do