Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Then another memory kicked in my brain: When I lived for the first time alone, I was researching if it still exists limewire and the shit I tipped in when I was younger. This drove me crazy too, why did I do that?!?!? Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

It feels like I used to get so many intrusive thoughts in the beginning but now it’s less it’s only thoughts like what if I’m a p what if I’m a p what if I’m lying to myself what if I’m in dentist truly in all this and it was all fake like I’m an imposter, now it’s just feelings and noticing :/ and I hate he feelings that come with it I’m really scared I am one I feel so alone :( I’m taking therapy but my therapist is not specialized in ocd and I don’t think she understands and I don’t want to bring it up bc I brought up a fear that what if I turn into my stepdad and she said “are you attracted to children?” And I said no but it was just an irrational thought that came after I started realizing the trauma that happened to me as a kid, and idk I’m scared to Start with a therapists here bc what if all this just makes it worse and it turns out I am what I fear all along.? :(

i actually think i’m gonna throw up i searched this just before to see if anyone on here has said similar and they’re all about being lesbians and that’s making me spiral as that’s one of my themes and i know im not one. what i searched was about never having orgasmed i’m 19 now and have been on antipsychotics since 15 but even before then i’d never felt horny or aroused even when trying anything to myself down there i got with my boyfriend at 16 and have been with him ever since and despite him trying i can never orgasm i still don’t feel a thing when i try on my own and sex feels good i guess but like pressure like pain that feels good and i know it’s meant to feel like more when he tries to like rub my c it just hurts it doesn’t feel nice and i feel so embarrassed and ashamed and i hate it so so so much that im like this is there a medical reason for this? i want to blame the antipsychotics so bad but i know before them at 15 and below i never felt anything either and this is making my sexual orientation ocd spiral and saying that subconsciously im a lesbian even though i know im not and my ocd is just trying to latch onto anything this is making me feel so suicidal atm idk what to do

So, my brain has latched onto this cuz it’s just past the holidays and Valentine’s Day is coming up Whenever my bf gets me a gift I worry I’m not excited enough. I love the gifts he gets me but it doesn’t fill me with excitement or overwhelming joy. I smile and hug him and say thank you. I’ve always been like that. Before I met him too. I do get excited if someone I have a crush on gets ne a gift (ie him) I got pumped about it before we started dating but once we started dating it was less excitement and just appreciation cuz he knows me well I think? Same goes for flowers. I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone. But when he got me flowers I got anxious at first cuz it was a surprise that he got mw them. He literally just turned around and boom. Bouquet of tulips. I stared at them for ages honestly. They were beautiful and I felt beautiful when he gave me them even tho I was in joggers and a sweater lol. He got me carnations over the summer and this was when my ROCD was bad so my brain was like “when you see him break up with him” then I saw the flowers and thought no I can’t do that. I don’t wanna do that. I’m worried I’m not getting enough butterflies in my stomach when it comes to gifts. He got me an incredibly personal gift for my birthday, a book that I love and snacks (tight budget. We’re uni students lol) but it made me so happy. I smiled genuinely. I was awkward but I’m always awkward when opening gifts in front of people. Idk. When he gave me gifts before we started dating maybe it gave me that adrenaline rush cuz it was like oh shit maybe he likes me back omg omg (clearly that was true) And my brain uses the lack of excitement about gifts (I do get excited just not very jumpy. He’s never gotten me smthn I hated.) as reasoning that a) I don’t love him and b) I’m gay and would appreciate a gift from a gf more. But even when my female friends give me gifts (Ik not the same but shh, evidence) I’m the same way. Even when family gets me gifts. Idk if it’s the fact I never got that many gifts growing up or I’m just socially awkward opening things in front of people but it’s panicking me a tad. This is making me worry that I won’t be excited about what he gets me for Valentine’s Day and our anniversary (the day before) and im gonna fake my reaction (which I don’t wanna do, I love him and his gifts) and that when he proposes in the future I won’t be excited about it. I have told him this. When I get anxious I analyze and it makes it hard for me to be excited cuz im analyzing if im excited enough. My brain is like you feel ugh around him. No I don’t?? I feel OOOOO around him. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach tho which is another place of panic. I feel them more in my groin. And I can tell they feel good. When I’m in a good headspace it’s when I say I love you or when I’m writing poetry about him. They’re different than arousal tho I think. I know we can get groin responses because of excitement. But my brain suddenly thought: what if this groinal response has been anxiety this whole time and you’ve never liked him and you’ve been mistaking anxiety for attraction. Speaking of arousal. Idk what sex in a long term relationship feels like. Im worried im zoning out or dissociating. Or im not attracted to him cuz I don’t feel butterflies in my stomach. Most times I have my eyes closed but im just bad at eye contact. Sex/intimacy has always been enjoyable but with this it feels like I feel nothing. Im worried I don’t like his body and it’s just comphet. Im worried I only like the pleasure I feel and not the person im doing it with. Idk. Im frekaed out. I’m worried I’m faking. I’m sweating at the thought of it. Sex has always been fun and consensual and hot. Idk. I’m worried that I’m losing attraction to him. I still get horny but sometimes my brain thinks stop cuz I won’t enjoy it. If we start going and he’s tying me up sometimes I’m checking to make sure I haven’t gotten dry or smthn but I know it’s just a matter of foreplay and outside stressors. One of which being school and also my Brain. If I’m too dry and it hurts too much I panic and break down thinking it means I’m gay. I’m also worried I don’t feel enough romantic feelings for him lately. We don’t do anything romantic besides cuddle/have sex when he’s around. School and stidying. He missed 2 exams so he’s been grinding to do the make ups so we haven’t gone out. We also play games together. I’m worried that I only feel platonic attraction to him and thag makes me a lesbian. But I can’t feel BUTTERLFIES all the time that’s unrealistic. Ik it’s subjective. Idk how to tell if I do love him romantically anymore. I’m so confused and a bit scared cuz the butterflies aren’t in my stomach thwyre in my groin occasionally but it’s not arousal. It’s just love. I do feel it in my chest sometimes and then my brain takes it and makes it anxiety making me think I’m not attracted to him. Idk. I feel insane lately I’m happy with him but am I happy/in love enough or at all??

TW/ sexual ocd This post and how chat gpt responded (saying it’s extreme and harmful and i crossed moral and ethical boundaries is now making me depressed. I’ve been non stop crying. I feel undeserving of life. Here is the post

Hi! its been a long time since I've posted here so a lot of things have happened in a year , I've become so confused and weirded on my experience. Since I was 14 (now Im 19 turning 20) I developed a strange behavior of coming from thoughts of me telling me that (I am gay) and after 3 years of constant horrible thoughts and watching porn 4-5 times a day I developed new tastes for gay porn , I just started to like it , I didnt feel like there was SOocd anymore and considered myself as Bi all this time and I felt neutral about it. After watching gay porn I developed another dopamine hit by sexting with other guys , jerking etc and it was weird cause I didnt have any interest in guys outside porn and it went for like 1(1/2) years like this , after this I developed a new taste that got me on the extreme part I was curious and decided to experiment with a guy , I was full of pleasure for waiting to experience the thing I thought would feel good , so I had sex with a guy and I gotta say it felt really horrible , it wasnt satisfying or pleasurable but it only hurt and left me traumatized and shamefull about myself to the point I stopped doing the past activities till after 2 weeks , then I started again doing the same stuff and watching gay porn again until I started watching this one video and it felt kinda off , it wasnt turning me on I felt weirded and discusted by it so I remove the tab and stopped watching gay porn since then , why am I coming here after being convinced so far ? well now that I feel off Im having a theory that all this was caused by my porn addiction cause no matter what I never felt anything for a guy outside only some kind of "false attraction" and thats it ! And on my past I was crazy about girls and to this day (on my 3rd relationship rn) , and now I feel confused and in fear that I may have gotten STDs , still the question remains Was my porn addiction responsible for all of this circle of madness ? Thank you (P.s I apologise for the triggering details)

What’s the difference between soocd and internalized homophobia I am having a hard time finding out which one I am I was diagnosed with ocd only liked girls but I have lost attraction and have constant doubt shame guilt I’m 16 and this started when I was 15 I’m very hyper aware if I put my hands in a certain way it feels gay and I have these thoughts telling me when I see guys oh he’s hot or cute someone have anything they can tell me so I can tell which one is which please

Lately ive been questioning my sexuality due to a thought that ive had for a long time but never dwelled on the thought was about me liking my girlfriend more when she identified as a male and does that make me straight.. I still love my girlfriend and love hanging out with her but before she detransitioned i felt like our relationship wasn’t as bad and healthier and my anxiety has made me feel as if it was healthier because im only into men and that I have no interest in being with women despite me being deeply attracted to them.. I also feel like im putting on a persona or faking it just for the “trend” I used to be so certain on my sexuality but now im just stressed thinking about the possibility of being straight and I feel guilty about possibly lying to my girlfriend im constantly needing reassurance and asking people if im straight and looking back at past experiences to see if I am or not and I think the worst part is that I havent been diagnosed with OCD but ive had plenty of thoughts like this before that i’ve stressed over.

in actually scared i dont care about my partner as im supposed to and that i dont like him, i have dificulties with sexual stuff, and im scared i dont like him and that i am lying to myself, im scared. He is a very nice and caring and beautiful man, i love him (or i think i dont lnow) he dosent deserve this , i talked to him about this he knows about my thoughts, some days ago he calmed me down and used some logoc on me and i was good and now im questioning everything i feel bad for posting here i feel like im lying to him and im scared my thoughts are real

Whenever I am near attractive women, I’m afraid I’m going to snap and do something evil ! Sometimes I’ve felt my hips move when they’re near me and I start to freak out worried I was trying to do a hump (lol I sound nuts). My hips have literally moved and it scares me now anytime. Also sometimes when a thought of them pops up my finger randomly moves or sometimes if I’m touching my lips and they pop up in my head I start to worry that I was trying to touch my lips sexually when I thought of them. This has ruined my life I’m scared of myself it feels like I’m not in control of my body I do not wanna be alive anymore I wanna protect the world from me

I’m going to sum this up so it isn’t a long read, basically when I was in middle school I had a friend who was two years younger than me, I was an eighth and she was in sixth grade. We ended up getting closer but at a certain point Around a year ago, I went through our old messages from when I was around 14, and just turned 15, where I had made sexual comments to her, and we are two years apart, to be more specific two and a half years. I am way older now, I am almost 21 soon, but I cannot stop thinking about this and feeling like a p3do. I don’t know what to do, I feel like a bad person, I also live a spiritual way of life, or I am trying, and it feels like I’m undeserving because I did this.

I had same Sex fantasies, sought that out in 🌽 before I knew what sexuality was, it’s related to a specific fetish and I used to talk to strangers online including men and I’m scared now what all of this means, I have HOCD, POCD, all sorts of thoughts but I don’t know if it’s my thoughts or my past which is reality. Why did I have those thoughts as a young boy? Why why why? Who am I? Do I even have OCD? What monster am I? I just want to end it all sometimes in all honesty. Not really but sure feels like it. I’m dying inside .

This is going to be my last post because I’m going to take ERP and recovery seriously. Being on this app and googling is a big compulsion of mine. But before, I’m giving into my compulsions one more time because I need to know that I am not the only one. The past two days have been a tad better. My anxiety doesn’t feel like it’s consuming me and I can actually go to work and get things done. However, it feels like I am actually gay. Feels like I am actually in the closet. I don’t have my attraction to men anymore. I’m getting images of women and thinking to be happy, I need to be with a woman but I seriously do not want to. There is nothing in my past to prove that I do, however, my brain is making it seem like I always knew I was gay and didn’t want to admit, although there is no proof to prove it, yet I believe it. It feels normal and I’m not like freaking out anymore and it’s scaring me. Am I the only one? Am I actually gonna be the one that turns out to be gay after all? It doesn’t sound good anymore to say this is OCD. I’m confused and sad. Please, if anyone relates, that would help. If not, I guess that would help too but ugh. Thank you in advance.

Good Morning everyone ☀️. I’ve been in ERP therapy with NOCD for 2+ years, and I’m sharing my journey for anyone that may feel alone or is considering therapy. I’m in my 30s, and I was diagnosed in 2022, after a talk therapist I was seeing suggested I talk to a psychiatrist to be screened for OCD. Truthfully, I suspected I had OCD for a long time, but I was “managing” it so I didn’t seek help. Then the pandemic hit, and my mental health hit rock bottom. I worked with one talk therapist (who wasn’t helpful), switched to a new one, then ultimately was diagnosed and referred to NOCD. My biggest theme that I struggled with for years was emotional contamination. I could not handle being around a family member, because I was scared their personality or energy would contaminate me, and I would turn in to that person. I avoided allowing them in my apartment, if I thought about them when I was in the bathroom or washing dishes, I felt dirty and had to do compulsions to be “safe.” Spoiler alert, your OCD doesn’t actually keep you safe, even though it feels like it. I also struggled with driving, perfectionism, just right OCD, and intrusive sexual thoughts about a different family member. So, I started weekly therapy sessions, and I struggled a lot during the first year. ERP is hard. You’re essentially re-wiring your brain to change your thought patterns. Confronting years of fears, while also navigating an abusive relationship, took all of the mental energy I had. Then time went on, and I made it through my first year of therapy. I felt a little better. Then, I started going to NOCD support groups. I started to practice self-compassion, I shared my story and heard others share their struggles and wins. I finally started to see, feel, and acknowledge my progress. By year 2, I finally felt stronger. Now, my sessions are down to once a month. I have my conqueror status. My exposures are a lot easier to work through because I did the hard work early on. It feels over simplified, to summarize my journey this way. I could probably talk for hours about ERP. But I want to emphasize how ERP saved my life. As I said, I was having a hard time in the beginning. But now, life is so much better. Taking the first step to reach out to NOCD led me to where I am now, and I am so grateful I chose myself by starting ERP. I can drive long distances on the freeway without panicking. I can drive at night, in the rain. My whole world has opened up because I’m not limited on where I can go. My relationship with the family member I avoided improved greatly. I am sad to say she passed away unexpectedly this summer. But I reclaimed all the time I had with her from my OCD. I can tolerate not being perfect, or doing things that aren’t “just right.” When I have a setback, I bounce back a lot quicker than I have before. I’ll have the most bizarre thoughts, but I can let them go a lot easier than before. I still have struggles. I still cry when I feel overwhelmed or stuck. But overall, my life is mine again. OCD doesn’t go away. But going from giving in to compulsions over and over again, and avoiding living out of fear—to having my life be mine again, is the best gift I gave myself. Do I wish the work was easier? Yes. Would I wish this disorder on anyone? No. But if you are considering therapy, I urge you to take that as a sign that you want to get better. And I promise that whatever your OCD stops you from doing now, you can take it back with a vengeance. If you have questions, I’m happy to share more if it will help you. If you want support, I’m here too.

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this

I just wanna get this out there cuz I’m gonna be up all night if I don’t. I’m scrolling on Instagram and sending cute things to my bf alongside some funny ones. Balance lol. Anyways. As I was sending them I didn’t get that rush of joy I used to feel when I did. Or the feeling I used to get when I told him I love him. I don’t feel those heart poundy good emotions lately. I think I love him. I don’t think about him often tho, like not all the time. If im doing smthn he’ll pop into mind and I’ll text/call but that’s it. I don’t get super giddy at the thought of him, I smile, but I don’t feel as warm. Why. Where is that feeling? I know love is a choice but what if im making the wrong one? I don’t feel Andy anxiety over the thought of breaking up and it pops up more and more and im worried my brain is trying to tell me smthn. Idk if it’s my intuition or not. Im worried im gonna fall out of love. Or have never loved him and have been faking it this whole time. Im scared I won’t be sexually/romantically atttacted to him anymore in the future when we get older. I’ve never been in a relationship this healthy for this long. What does a long healthy love feel like? I used to feel this intense heart pounding whenever we touched and when we made out it was like electricity, maybe cuz it was bew and it was my first time being sexual. Sex and making out still feels great. I crave it less which worries me. Maybe it’s stress and anxiety. But it doesnt feel as intense. And I’m worried I’m performing I’m worried I don’t love him enough I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me I’m scared I’m gonna blow up our lives if I figure out I’m a lesbian. My brain has just been repeating and asking “wouldn’t you be happier with a woman? You’re bi and have never actually dated a woman” ok so what? I’m happy with the man I chose. Idc. I doubt I’ll regret not sleeping with someone else or dating around. I’m scared of every possibility of us getting married. I am not of his culture or religion. Idk what I’m doing Kids as well. Idk if I even love him rn, I’m so confused. I still feel happy being around him but how do I know if i only enjoy it platonically and not romantically? What if I fall in love with one of my friends/have intrusive thoughts about them while having sex? Or think about having sex with them. I don’t wanna think or do any of that not just cuz I’m in a relationship but because I just. Don’t want that?? None of these thoughts cause any anxiety. No physical symptoms of panic or stomach upset that I usually get. I’m exhausted. I feel numb. Someone please help and explain.

It feels like I have internalized homophobia but I don’t want that 😭

Whenever I think about a girl I try to brush it off but it keeps on coming back then I think I may like these thoughts. I avoid using gay words because I would never want to be gay. I use to enjoy watching couple videos but not anymore. All my life I’ve been straight and only liked guys who I planned to have kids with. Now I’m scared because this thought goes away and comes back once in a while. My body keeps on telling me Im in denial and deep down I might be gay. But I don’t like this I’ve spent countless hours just thinking and thinking that what if it’s true? Every time I look at a straight couple I don’t like it but I use to love looking at them but neither do I like gay couples. I always wanted a future with a man. What do I do? Is this HOCD??

how are groinal responses supposed to feel. every time i get an intrusive thought or image or even see something in real life that could trigger me i do get groinal responses. the problem is is that sometimes i feel it directly in my groin or sometimes its like in my lower stomach like my stomach drops in a way? does this mean that im actually attracted to these things? i never would be attracted to these things just the thought of it is debilitating and stresses me out so much. i’ve struggled with groinal responses for nearly 6 months now and its very debilitating and i just want it to stop. i want to get help but i dont know how to get help im only 18 and im a student and these things really affect my life on a day to day basis. is there a way out of this? am i a bad person? please help

I’ve dealt with SOOCD for a while, but does anyone else who is straight, have their obsessions go from being gay to being bisexual or bi-curious? How do you deal with this?