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my body is not in equilibrium and is not 100% and thus i am panicking. it has not gone away and i despise my brain for not letting me just go on with my life. i think this is hell

Hi everyone! I thought it would be nice to have a post for people to comment and chat, whether they just want to talk to others or they need some support and encouragement, so I decided I'd post. ˓ ࣪꒰ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ꒱ .°₊ I'll leave some questions (and answers) in case anyone wants something specific to talk about: — How have you been doing? Anything interesting happen recently? ꪔ̤̱ ❀ Cyrene Answer: I'm doing okay! I had a few really rough days recently, but the past 2-3 days I've been really good about not doing compulsions and my fiancé agreed that I've been doing a lot better in terms of my anxiety (I cry a lot when I'm engaging in compulsions or feeding my OCD bubble, so it's easy to tell if I'm doing bad). ദ്ദി^._.^) — Do you have anything planned for the week or weekend? If not, this is your chance to ask for suggestions! ❀ Cyrene Answer: I don't have anything planned yet, but my fiancé and I might do something over the weekend. It'll be in the negatives however, which will be the coldest weather I've ever been in, so... that should be interesting! ( ⌯'-'⌯) — Do you need any support or encouragement from others lately? (Reassurance seeking is a no-no, don't feed your compulsions!) ❀ Cyrene Answer: Honestly, I get a lot of reassurance just from coming onto this app and seeing all of the other people who're suffering with the same disorder as me. We're all struggling with a disorder that is consistently ranked in the top 10 most difficult and debilitating mental disorders to have, so... we're kind of goated for still trying our best every day and caring so much about things that our brain actively beats us up over. Yay us! (ฅ'ω'ฅ)♪

My mind tries to tell me that I miss my exes because I reached out to one before me and my current bf started talking, it wasn’t anything serious but I told him I’d always care about him. And now I reworry, and my ex prank called me and it sent me into a spiral, and now my mind is saying I miss him etc, and me and this ex were super toxic before we got tg and when we was tg, it was good? But he always flirted w girls or whatever and talked to girls he used to date but when we broke up it always felt like we had to talk again, and that the old feelings were back and Idk what that is. And it feels like I need to tell my boyfriend all of this especially because he’s so genuine to me and I feel so terrible over it.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Guys I'm scared because I'm 18 years old and basically I had a thought of a girl I like from last year we used to kind of date and at the time I was 17 and she was 16 and lately I just been thinking about her and I got aroused and basically I fell arousal when I started to kind of reminisce about past experiences and watching pornography while at the same time it was like founding over those memories but my thoughts just tell me I'm a pedo for doing that because of the age back then and thinking of it I don't know what to do I feel like a monster but I would also have intrusive thoughts and images of her and how she looked back then because I haven't seen what she looked like in a while other than last year I just feel like a monster can someone help me manage these if anyone has a similar experience please let me know

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty and wanna exile myself from society... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person for supporting trump, i vented to her again because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards minors in any way... 😭😭😭

POCD How are you supposed to accept uncertainty and move on when you feel so uncertain about ur attraction?

Please someone help. I know it’s taboo, that’s why no one seems to want to help me. I feel lost. There is a false allegation from years ago, it was chaos, I’ve explained the story before and everything. Everyone who knows the story has the same view as me, and I don’t worry about them. But me? My brain has recently decided years later, that this event from high school is what I’m going to obsess over. It is hell. My fiance laid the story out for me completely, it has never changed from the moment he told to years later now. But I keep FORGETTING. My OCD makes up what if’s, forgets the story so people have to repeat it, and then it makes FALSE MEMORIES?? And it hits me with what if it’s true even though it’s not and it’s one of those situations there is no certainty. There is only matter of character, history, and the fact the accuser at one point changed their mind and said they don’t know why they said that. I’m stressed. Cause yesterday I had a great day, I felt lighter and I felt like the obsession was finally ending but today it’s back and I want to cry so bad. I can’t stop being afraid I’ll be punished. It mixes religion and morals into it too. I feel horrible despite judging this situation years ago when it was fresh and for years feeling safe, certain in my conclusion, and everyone else having the same outcome. It’s just not fair it’s attacking me now that I’m finally safe and comfortable in my life with my fiancé. I need help with these what if’s. I can’t take it anymore I’m afraid I’ll implode my life. What do I do?

I’m new to this community. I made this account for accountability. Just wanna know if anyone else is using an anti psychotic medication to manage OCD. At first I was a bit worried about it because I thought it would just make me feel ill like Zoloft did (which sent me to the ER) or Prozac which on day 1 sent me in a frenzy of poor insight. I’ve been taking abilify since yesterday and wow, my thoughts have quieted so much. I do feel emotionless and still get pangs of anxiety in my chest when a scary intrusive thought or fear pops into my head but besides that, I’m finally able to write again which I haven’t done in so long. Just wanna know if anyone else is in the same boat. So far I’m optimistic about abilify. I’m just worried about therapy. I want to do it but I’m afraid it won’t work.

I'm constantly double-checking my thoughts, I can't get used to it, I can't get used to the fact that my thoughts are not the whole of me, I find all the Things around me exhausting, I already want to just be silent and not feel anything. I'm afraid of my head. It's like my heart is squeezing inside. I feel sick. I'm scared. My head feels unsafe for me. I can't escape into reality and action, taking care of myself from these thoughts that I'm doing everything wrong and that something is not perfect, I don't feel anything. I'm really scared.. I forget that there are other feelings besides OCD.

TW: Discussion of pornography I was looking for a specific video pertaining to one of my fetishes (not anything illegal) and I came across a video that had two people that looked like younger teenagers. Like, 15. I scrolled away, but then felt like I needed to verify their age, and looked at it again, then clicked off with incredible haste when I realized they looked VERY young. They were PROBABLY adults that just looked young, that's kinda how the porn industry works, but I'm freaking the hell out now feeling like I saw CP. It even has like, 7 million views. Which just... Eugh. Even if they are adults, I always thought that "petite" and "teen" videos were a bit gross. I really need to kick my porn addiction, but it's been my only coping mechanism since I was a teen myself. I sometimes shudder wondering what weird shit I've watched that I probably shouldn't.

I'm about to have my period in a few days so all my feelings and doubts are even harder to deal with than usual :( I have been ruminating for the past 3 days, last night I had an hour or so of feeling okay, but it went back to doubts and numbness soon after. I'm now almost fully convinced that I don't love my boyfriend, I'm just using him for gifts and the idea of a relationship, I've been faking it the whole time. I feel like a horrible person and I'm struggling not to tell him I want to break up. I don't want to break up but I do but I don't but I do. It's so frustrating and confusing. When we're together he makes me feel nice and comfortable and he makes me laugh and I always wanna hold onto him and kiss him but I can't feel that right now. I've been stuck in bed for hours worrying and doubting and sometimes I cry or cover my face out of frustration. I don't know what I truly want or need.

All I can think about is death. I’m only 26 and everyday feels like I won’t live a long time and that my time is up. I wake up with death instantly on my mind. All I do is cry and sleep. I miss who I was. I can’t enjoy anything without thinking “this will be gone one day” I miss loving life

I have been dealing with POCD for years now. This past summer, something happened that I havent been able to get out of my mind. My friends and I were in the kitchen and my girlfriend was holding my niece behind me while I was washing dishes. I kept getting thoughts that I was being weird and exposing my niece to my butt. I kept saying that I wasn't trying to do so. But I shifted closer to her and I immediately felt guilty. I was like "why did I do that." This whole time I was trying to avoid it so why did it happen? I tired to tell myself that all of this wasn't true that I would never do something like that consciously or on purpose. But I knew i had done something wrong. I tried to remember as soon as it happened, but I could no longer remember how it even happened. But when I got a sudden thought of "no I didn't do it with bad intentions " I got so much relief. But then it would switch again to me having done something wrong and I'd feel guilty again. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong and forgot about this incident. A couple of months ago it came back to mind. I immediately felt panic and guilt. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong but I knew that I had in fact shifted my body closer that I had done something. But i just couldn't believe that i would've done something like that. once again I'd get a random memory flashback that I had no ill intentions and I'd feel relief. I kept trying to remember how it happened but I couldn't. I just knew I did something awful. I tried to explain what happened but I couldn't, but eventually I remembered that I had moved closer. I once again suppressed the memory and moved on. But it has once again come to haunt me. I try to remember the details but I cant. I just know that I did know I had done something and that I immediately felt guilty afterwards but when I try to remember details I cant. And I just don't understand this bc I'm always so cautious. I something close my eyes when I see pictures of my niece, or I'll put my hands in fists when I'm next to her bc of my urges, and when they make me hold her and I have an urge it feels terrifying. As of now the thoughts have decreased around her but now im scared to get her contaminated.

hey this my first post, i usually don’t use self help apps like this but im deciding to give it a try. A bit of context i’ve struggled with OCD my whole life, from existential OCD, harm OCD, suicidal OCD. I’ve learned how to manage those but one subtype that has been debilitating lately is my ROCD. I’m 21 years old and i’ve had past relationships where I just flee when i feel anxious or have doubtful thoughts. This is my first relationship where i challenge myself not to leave just because i feel anxious because we all know that leaving is just temporary relief. I also don’t want to leave my bf because we both have hard pasts and it’s the first time that we both are in a healthy relationship. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for about 6 months and late December is when my spiral happened. I told him how i feel and he has been super supportive and thoughtful. He’s really patient with me, but my thoughts are so loud it makes me ask myself “do i really like him” “am i forcing connection ” “why don’t i feel butterflies anymore” “will i ever feel love him” “have i lost interest”. These thoughts are really stressful for me because it seems like i can’t do anything unless i get clarity or have those “love” feelings. I’m getting meds for OCD and I’m getting therapy but it still doesn’t get rid of the fact that it’s making me cry and it’s really dimmed my light about almost every aspect of my life. I just want to be in a relationship where I don’t self sabotage. I want to be able to accept love and to stop self analyzing feelings. It’s been really hard. If you have even gotten over this spiral please let me know how long it lasted and what you did to cope.

Talking to someone won't fix such deeply-rooted avoidance behaviors. Revising my life goals isn't the answer --- if someone avoids *everything*, the solution is to tackle those things head on, not to decide life is worth living even if you are too ~~useless~~ disabled to do the things you want to do in life. I know that that is the solution, but I do *nothing* to change my situation. I put a pause on therapy for a reason, and this latest session just reaffirmed that. I need actual exposure therapy, actual assignments, actionable steps I can take to stop being like this. To be clear, I am not blaming my therapist for my overarching situation. I am blaming myself for being someone who is unwilling to try despite the consequences, not unless I am directly forced. In the end, only I can take the steps needed to change my life --- no therapist can make me do anything, so doesn't that mean this form of therapy cannot help me? OCD is not *really* my problem, just like social anxiety disorder is not actually the reason I am alone. My problem is that I am unwilling to do hard things. I am simply unwilling. That is the devastating thing about all this.

Hey! Could anyone explain to me what the feeling of Transgender OCD is? I have been owndering for a while if i have this subtype (tocd is one i havent really tried to work on or look at yet), since ive only realised i have OCD, and havebeen trging to work at it for arou d half a year,and havent looked at this subtype. I just wamted to ask what it is like, in case i have it, or am genuinely thinking tbjs stuff? Tysm for reading!!! Beat ocd 😁😁🐶

I have severe health OCD and I was doing well for years and then my dog passed away and it sent me into a spiral of thinking that I was going to die. I immediately started feeling chest pain and went to the hospital twice. My chest x-ray was clean and I also had a CT but now I’m afraid since I had a CT and x-rays that I’ll have cancer in 10 years and now I cannot get it off of my mind. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. It’s a constant cycle of my mind, telling me you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna die from cancer. Even though that I’m healthy because the scans are clean, I’m now terrified that I had multiple scans through the years because of my health OCD that I’m going to give myself cancer. I keep researching CT scans and cancer and I’m terrified that I’m going to get it now. I really just want a doctor to tell me that I’m not going to get cancer from the CT scans but I know they can’t tell me that. I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m petrified about what comes after. I can’t imagine a life without living. How can I calm myself down? Any tips? My anxiety has gotten a lot better the past few days but it’s still crossing my mind.

I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. My therapist diagnosed me with relationship ocd and I am having a really difficult time trying to determine what my real feelings are. My boyfriend is my best friend and I’ve felt distant lately and that hurts both of us. All of this is unfamiliar- I hate feeling like this and don’t recognize it. I’ve been so depressed and anxious and detached. A few weeks ago this happened for the first time out of no where and I literally felt like I was going through a breakup. I couldn’t sleep or eat or stop crying. I was so freaked out and felt so much pressure about the future even though he isn’t pressuring me. What if I don’t love him anymore? Do I want to end it? Maybe I should end it and then I’ll feel better. Maybe the problem is the relationship. How do I know? I don’t deserve him. Is avoiding him right now a sign I don’t love him? Is feeling stressed talking about future plans a sign I don’t want a future with him? What if we don’t get married? Is it all just a waste? Is this OCD or am I in denial that I want to break up? The thoughts go on… I thought the only thing that would make me feel better is if we broke up. But we didn’t. He’s stood by me and said he’ll be whatever I need. He has done research and has been so understanding. I started feeling better a few days later and then was doing really well for a couple of weeks when all of a sudden about a week ago we were just laying together and I started crying because of the obsessive thoughts I was experiencing. Compulsions I engage in include constantly seeking reassurance from him, my mom or chat gpt. I am going crazy I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I just want to feel normal again and be happy and I don’t know how. I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy myself. I’m either sobbing or feel emotionally flat. It’s exhausting and I just don’t know what to do. Anyone else been through this? I did just start Prozac last week but haven’t noticed any changes. I’ve just been going through an emotional roller coaster. The mood swings are awful.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...