Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Rant :’o This past month ive been feeding into my ocd cycle. Even when I know it’s bad I still do it? My cycle seems to looklike this: -gets intrusive thought - gets reaction to thought, views it negatively, so I get defensive and push away physically and emotionally until I get clarity and reassurance that my thoughts aren’t real or that they have no validity. It is SOOOOO HARD to break out of the defensive mode when im simultaneously having thoughts that are telling me “do I trust him? Do I want this relationship? Is this relationship something I still want? Do I care about him or am I even in love with him?”. It adds fuel to the fire and makes it hard to break out of that defensive stage. It makes you feel like whats the point in fighting for this relationship. Listen I didn’t ruminate much or at all on this thought im about to share and im not seeking a why behind my actions but just spreading something I noticed and feel could have some validity behind it but if it’s a possible reason then so be and if it’s not then so be :3 But I feel like when I’m in a defensive mode all im feeling is anger, sadness, emotional numbness even, that it leaves no room/space for the love I have for my boyfriend to enter or even be seen to help me lend out my arm and be trusting. That’s what im feeling in my defensive mode/ defensive tunnel vision so when I’m asking myself why should I even trust him and trust that my intrusive thoughts aren’t real then it feels like there’s no point in trusting or stop pushing him away when there’s no feelings of love or happiness and excitement to combat the negative thoughts. I know im just ratting on myself for checking feelings and you should just trust that your intrusive thoughts aren’t real and all but im not used to having checking feelings as a compulsion or at least im more self aware that im performing the compulsion now and im struggling on how to approach this with erp. If u have tips regarding erp and checking feelings then feel free to let me know !! Ty ^^ I hope im making sense and im not just talking in circles lol. In sum, those negative feelings in my defensive mode make it hard to be so trusting and break free when that’s all you’re feeling and im letting those feelings navigate how I approach trust when I don’t have that reassurance there to make me break out of my cycle and I have to do it on my own. My New Year’s resolution is to be better at maintaining and improving my erp. I will be trusting and I will be better.

So I need to get my nails done again but been thinking if I should get them off and just have natural nails bc I saw this other Christian girl do it and was like maybe God is convicting me to go natural too?? And then if I disobey and go get a fill anyway my brain says that I will commit blas**** the word triggers but yk the sin. Anyway sometimes I can ignore it but when it tells me THAT I get afraid and won’t sleep for days cuz then I’m doomed forever and there is no point so idk what to do cuz I have an appt today and if I go then it’s like telling that to God that I rather get my nails done?? Like I rather do nothing than have that happen but I really want my nails done too and I’m stressed. Is this anyone else’s trigger compulsion and the Holy Spir is a trigger word too apart of that with the B

I’m really struggling with this bc not many understand the TFJ and I’m contemplating cutting him off bc I get triggered by my friend from Spain telling me she feels bad for him, using the same song I used on a story post of him and I for her and her bf, and just not fully understanding what I’m going through. I’m convinced if it doesn’t work out between him and I they will betray me and get together, because he wants to get a place in Spain and travel around Europe . But realistically idk if that will happen anytime soon. I’m just really hurt and stuck and scared bc I believe in manifestations and our thoughts creating our reality to some extent. I want to block both him and her on everything, even though she is innocent rn, I don’t fully trust her and think she wants to come to the US / be like me bc she copied the song. So I wouldn’t put it past her to betray me for him . But also he said he doesn’t find her attractive . So this could be my ocd

Help pls . Me and my friend got really drunk but i liked the feeling and i liked that we were laughing a lot but i wanted to keep drinking and my friend was like nooo ive had enough im sloppy drunk and i was like “brooo i dont want to drink alone”. Throughout the night i got more drunk so about 2-3 more times i asked her like damn i want another shot let’s take one and she was like i dont think u should drink more. I was like yeah maybe I shouldn’t I don’t want to get sick. Then later on I told her I was sorry and I didn’t want her to feel like I was pressuring her and she said like no I didn’t feel like that don’t worry. I just feel really weird because I don’t know why I kept asking and I worry i did something terrible. Also she ended up kissing me after we took like two shots and idk if I wanted to keep drinking more because I liked how carefree we were. We both didn’t end up drinking more so idk if I should even be worrying.

I saw a video about avoidant personality disorder, and unfortunately I thought it described me very accurately. I don’t want to self diagnose, but at the same time I’ve been dealing with the issues associated with that disorder for a long time. I’d like to address those issues, but I don’t really want to find a new psychologist to work with or stop working with my therapist here. Does anyone else have any experience dealing with this?

Hello. I am new here. I am 44. I have had pure ocd and secondary depression since I was 23. I had a very tough year with back surgery and some other issues. In October I had a major depressive episode and it was decided that my Paxil was no longer working. I have since transitioned to Zoloft. I had to take work off because the side effects were really affecting me. I am now on week 10 of Zoloft and I had in increase to 125 10 days ago. The issue I am having is, whenever there is an increase, the side effects come back. In particular sleep disturbances and early morning anxiety. When I have a night of bad sleep, my OCD gets out of control. “You won’t ever sleep again,” Etc. I know it is early in my recovery and I have seen some positives. Tomorrow I start 2mg of Abilify to help. I also have a clinical psychologist. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has experiences the same things/intrusive thoughts that I am having now. I just want to get back to work and feel I am so close. Thanks for reading. Paul

WHY CANT I JUST DECIDE IF I WANT TO FOLLOW JESUS OR NOT?! WHY CANT I MAKE A CHOICE AND WHY DO I DESIRE GOD BUT ALSO DONT AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I DONT WANT TO BE SAVED EVEN THOUGH I DO?! WHY CANT I MAKE THE DECISION ON IF I WANT TO BE SAVED OR NOT OR IF I WANT JESUS! EVERYTIME THIS HAPPENS MY HEART STARTS RACING, I HAVE A HARD TIME BREATHING AND I START CRYING! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO GO TO HELL EVEN THOUGH I DONT?! WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP WORKING FOR MY SALVATION WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY WHY CANT I BE CERTAIN ON WHAT CHOICE I WANT WHY CANT I BE CERTAIN I JUST WANT TO FOLLOW JESUS BUT SOMETHINGS HOLDING ME BACK AND I CANT FEEL AS IF IM SAVED AND I JUST WANT TO BE CERTAIN AND STOP OVERTHINKING AND I DONT EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS OCD ANYMORE MY BRAIN KEEPS TELLING ME ITS ACTUALLY ME AND I JUST CANT ACCEPT GODS GRACE AND LOVE AND BE CERTAIN ABOUT MY SALVATION! I DONT WANT TO REJECT CHRIST BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I WANT TO?! WHY IS MY BRAIN TRYING TO MAKE ME NOT BE CHRISTIAN OR LIKE CHRISTIANITY ANYMORE. IM. SO. TIRED. OF. THIS. IM SCARED OF HAVING FREEWILL, I DONT WANT TO LEAVE JESUS BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I WANT TO AND THEN I KEEP PRAYING FOR FORGIVENESS AND TO BE SAVED OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND KEEP RESEARCHING ANSWERS BUT NOTHING SATISFIES MY BRAIN. I JUST WANT PEACE WITHIN CHRISTIANITY! ( This is what I’m feeling and thinking right now, these are what the thoughts and feelings are and I just needed to write everything down, I’m still so anxious and crying.. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore and I want to scream.. )

This year has been super tough but also super rewarding. on a good note i healed a lot of OCD habits and tendencies and unraveled completely new ones that are much deeper and harder to heal. it’s funny once you get rid of the surface level stuff the deeper rooted issues come to fruition and you have to start the process again and again of healing. recently a lot of my healing g has been centered towards acknowledging avoidance, being more communicative and being more focused on maintaining connections because of my tendencies to isolate. i would be lying if my relationship hasn’t been affected. lately we haven’t seemed to be in the same place as we used to. sometimes she feels distant and when i ask for more words of affection or something more from her she feels i’m pressuring her. this really hurts but i understand why she feels this way- she explained that when i was dealing with more intense OCD, asking for reassurance or holding everything in it felt like what she did was never good enough. now that ive gotten to a place that feels more grounded and healed and ready to really commit and go the extra mile, she’s started to put energy in other places:( it caused me to feel resentful towards those hobbies and places she’s taken up and it makes me feel like a lot of this is my fault. a month ago we began communicating about how we’re really doing to which she relayed all of what i’m recounting now. things felt good until a few weeks ago she said one day she’d like to move to another country where her family is from one day. which totally caused me to freak out, my mind straight to this idea of us continuing to date and her breaking up with me after a long time to go:/ i told her it would be hard to extend myself to her in the ways i want to-thinking we may break up one day and she would just leave me. now it sucks. i feel like i’m back at square one. i’m constantly worrying about getting what i want from her in terms of affection, constantly worrying that we’re incompatible and should just break up, closing myself off and becoming distant again:/ it sucks because we both just want to be happy with eachother. now im worried it’s too late and that ill mess it up. what doesn’t help is that this year ive lost a lot of friends or connections. since graduating i dont have many people in my circle and im very lonely. i’m envious of other people having friendships and being happy and content with connections. i feel like an outsider and like im doing g everything wrong. i used to be so happy and full of life and excited about it, now it just feels dull and like everyday is the same because of post grad AND i cant surround myself with a lot of friends. i feel like i go crazy sometimes and i blame a lot of my change in her because for a while this relationship caused me a lot of anxiety and obsession. i feel like ive lived in my head this year and it doesn’t feel good. i just want friends and to be happy with my relationship but it all feels so complicated :(

TRIGGER WARNING. I just got diagnosed with OCD but after talking with my therapist, we think it’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life. As of recent, I have not been able to control it. I constantly feel like I’m going to d¡e and I don’t know how to control my thoughts anymore. If anyone else struggled with health OCD, please give me some tips and tricks on how to manage it.

Adults only Planned to go to bed at 2 to sleep at 3am like usual. Couldn't. It's now 5 in the morning. I'm pissed off and I left my room. I had the urge to punch the nearest pillow and so I did. Tried to watch meditation videos and listen to them but they just weren't helping. Now I'm just sitting out of my room. Kind of just hoping for my mind to just shut the fuck up and my body to just go to sleep. At this point I just want to get ERP started right away so that these thoughts can just GO AWAY. I already know what's gonna happen as time goes on. I'm gonna sleep like shit, I may get a headache, I'm gonna be really grumpy like I was last night and I'm gonna have a meh day. I don't even feel tired when I want to sleep. I felt tired when taking a nap and that lasted two hours. Now when I want to sleep all that happens is that I focus on my thoughts, can't sleep, and then I open my eyes back up. Rinse and repeat. This shit never ends and I'm so tired of it.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now and i dont want to lose her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

So much of my anxiety sometimes centers around really ambiguous worries, my therapist noted that these anxities all have to do with my own sense of identity and a general fear about "saying" or "claiming" things that I can't know are fully true. I found myself today watching a romance show and I just found myself being like "I will never have this" because my ocd makes it so hard for me to date, Im so stressed about intimacy and stuff more specifically I don't know/cant tell what it means to be attracted? And it's a lot more about that abstract feeling of "what is attraction? What does it mean to like someone else?". And then this kind of becomes a broader "is this even ocd? Its too abstract to be ocd". This goes into a lot of my individual identities as a mixed person (am I a person of color?), a queer person (am I a lesbian or just bi? Do I even like men? What does that even mean?) , adhd/autism (i was diagnosed with these things but what if the doctor was just wrong? What is a diagnosis? What does it mean to "have" something?... ) I think its a lot about "being wrong" and the way in which a narrative is told... i get a lot anxiety that I am not being genuine or right. This is really hard for me to write about because I have no idea how to actually formalize my thoughts on this. Its also hard to find resources because I can't tell if this is an existential thing, general anxiety, a mix of things (so ocd, rocd, ect)... but I feel like this has to be a common thought process? Its just so pervasive and its so many things with that underlying current of "being wrong" about a subjective thing that can never be right/aspect of identity/abstract feeling?

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now and i dont want to lose her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

So basically i have really bad ocd, but ill get to that. I was hanging out with my boyfriend, and i meant to say “STOP (his name)” and i accidentally said “STOP (ex’s name)” ans me and this ex only broke up like 4 months ago. 3? And i felt like such an asshole and i tried that saying my ex’s name then bfs name right after eachother super fast, but then my mind just replays my ex’s name over and over and over again. And it drives me insane since i did that. Does anyone have any advice. like i didnt mean to do it, i dont think about my ex, i assumed it was just reflex. Someone help me to stop with his name. i just feel so terrible, and because my ocd like just keeps making it worse and worse on me. And i just dont know, i feel like an asshole. Because me and this ex was tg like from august-late October and like my mind tries to tell me i wasnt mad in the situation but i hate being tickled alot, and my bf was tickling me, and id always get mad when my ex would do it (i think? My ocd tries to tell me other wise..) and so i called him his name. Me and my current bf have been dating 14 days now. and idk ive never done that before not once. i just feel so so bad. Hes told me hes almost accidentally called me his ex’s name while he was super tired. and i get its like a reflex but i feel so bad

UPDATE: with my harm ocd hitting full swing... i find myself triggered by my pocd again... and i feel like a horrible person... i tried not to post... i tried to do what people told me... but right now i feel absolutely horrible... I genuinely feel so guilty and wanna exile myself from society... I cant handle the anxiety... Im doing horribly right now because I feel so so guilty about this... Youtubers are constantly getting accused of doing p3dophilic activity and inappropriately abusing and inappropriately messaging women and minors and abusing others and its making me think my real events are as bad or as worse as them... Ive vented a lot to a lot of people in the PM's about my OCD... some of them younger (minors)... because I wanted reassurance from everyone and anyone... but this situation triggers me the most because I was venting about my 18+ HOCD situations... (the 18+ HOCD situations were about 18+ s*xual HOCD situations that triggered me immensely...) When I was 19, in an HOCD support group I was in, I vented to 2 minors in the PM's about my 18+ HOCD situations... The leader of the support group (that i vented to) was 17... I was 19 at the time... the other minor i vented to was younger (14-15)... the younger one told me she was uncomfortable when i vented to her in the PM's twice... The 14-15 year old said she was uncomfortable the first time and i tried to stop venting to her... after she said i was a bad person for supporting trump, i vented to her again because her saying i was a bad person triggered me... she said she was uncomfortable for the second time and then i blocked her... i kept asking the leader of the support group for reassurance for my 18+ HOCD situations for months because she kept giving me reassurance... i thought she was cute but didnt pursue her because of my age... i dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a groomer in any way... I'm so genuinely triggered... I don't want to be a P or a MAP or a groomer or a bad person... I wanna be a good person who does good things for other people... I dont want to be arrested for any crimes... I just want to be a good person who helps people in the medical field... I only want to help others... the last thing I want is to commit any form of harm towards minors in any way... 😭😭😭

I need advice. A very close friend of mine has really fell off the wagon with their home/car/pet hygiene and it’s super triggering for my contamination OCD. Think pet poop on the floor and (sometimes) couch, pubes all over the toilet seat, dog vomit in their car that has never been cleaned up. They want to have me over to their house, but it gives me so much anxiety. They also require people to take off their shoes before entering. This very hospitable friend also wants to make me food, but will not wash their hands after touching pets, will have pet dishes in the sink with human dishes, etc. We went out to eat at a restaurant last night and they gave the pets water from glasses meant for humans and let the pets’ heads and paws touch the table. I’m both worried about their own decline in house management/hygiene AND I’m super triggered. My friend is super sensitive, generally overwhelmed, and will feel so judged. They also made two comments last night that revealed: 1)they feel so comfortable with me that they aren’t worried about the state of their home, and 2)they don’t think their home is dirty at all. They used to be so good about cleaning and I used to love being at their house! Now it’s hard to even go with them to a restaurant! I’m also uncomfortable having them in my house because they will bring the pets or will be wearing clothing they wore in their house. How can I help them take better care of themselves AND also not let OCD get in the way of our friendship?

Good evening everyone. I have OCD since my 15yrs old. Now I am 39 yrs old. I used to take SSRI in the past but decided now to do the necessary efforts defeat my fear of virus & infection by myself. My father died in March 2025. I placed his body in a room where there were 2 mirrors which were partly covered. I placed him there for like 20mins to do some prayers before transferring him to another room. I must share 1 other detail. My family was insisting that we put him in the other room. I fought them to place my father in the room where the mirrors was partly covered because this room was in the house that he owns and the other room was in another house next to his. Before passing away, he was making plans to renovate his house including that room. The family which was residing in his house was insisting so much not to place him there that I believe at one point that they were doing things to steal the house for themselves so I fought them. I felt the need to place him in that room even if it was for 20mins. Now the fear that his soul is trapped in the mirror keep coming into my mind. And there is also a secondary fear that my fight with the family has disrupt his rest in death. The fear is not distressing or impairing as over the years, I started to understand how OCD works and how do the brain can trick you and make you believe that some things are real, BUT still, even with that knowledge, sometimes you don't know for sure which can be real because your brain is a part of you and functioning within you and may still trick you despite your knowledge. And I still want to know that my father has found his place near God. Now I am thinking and getting afraid that my father's soul is trapped in the mirror. I frequently prayed to God to take care of him and to forgive his sins. I also ask Jesus to take him in his Kingdom. The thought and fear that my father's soul is trapped in the mirror came into my minds frequently, though not everyday. Do you think this is real or is that OCD which is causing this? I am going to share what I have found online: Yes, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can absolutely manifest as a compulsive need to search for every detail and seek complete clarity or certainty when faced with uncertainty. This behavior is a core characteristic of the disorder for many individuals. Why this happens in OCD Intolerance of Uncertainty (IU): A central feature of OCD is a very low tolerance for doubt or uncertain situations. People with OCD struggle with the normal level of uncertainty that most people accept as a part of daily life. The "Doubting Disease": OCD is often referred to as the "doubting disease" because it generates persistent and intrusive doubts about everyday actions and potential outcomes. Compulsive Information Gathering: The urge to seek clarity leads to compulsive behaviors, which can include: Excessive research: Spending hours on the internet (e.g., Googling symptoms or reviews) to find definitive answers. Mental review: Repeatedly replaying past events or conversations in one's head to ensure nothing was missed or done incorrectly. Asking endless questions: Seeking constant reassurance from others to alleviate anxiety and uncertainty. Checking and rechecking: Meticulously examining details, such as light switches, locks, or documents, to achieve a feeling of absolute certainty that everything is "just right" and no harm will occur. What do you think?

I have really bad ocd associated with sexual topics. I dont really know why. Always when my friends talk about this topics i just sit and dont know what to said, also i dont really feel desire to have sex right know (im 16). My ocd is really spiraling over this topic, but not really about ,,tradicional sex", more like some weird things. But right know my ocd is spiralling over anal sex And i dont really want to do it in future. I know that when i will be older i will want to have ,, traditional sex, but not really this type that my ocd is spiraling over. And when this type of thoughts comes to my mind i just sit and think and i need to imagine this and my ocd is telling me its nice and i just feel diffrent things in places that i think of and i dont know what to to feel about and it tells me this is nice but i dont want to think that and feel that ,i dont really want to do this in future, and general, but my ocd is telling me that i like it and when i imagine this i feel in my body weird things and im just so tired of this that i most just sit and cry. Im on vacation right know and i dont want ocd to ruin this Sorry if this post is chaotic, im just so tired of this, also english is not my first language

Adults only I'm 24 and it feels like I've sort of wasted some of my 20s. I feel that I've spent so much of my 20s not doing the things I've wanted to do career and future wise and just spent it doing short term things. There are things that I've done that has helped me but there are several things that I recall that have not helped me but I've wasted so much time on. A big part of that is adult content. I've wasted so many days, afternoons, evenings, and nights taking part in it and I feel that's a big reason as to why my OCD is so persistent with me. Instead of working and getting myself out there I've kind of just been cooped up in my comfort zone and not really giving myself that extra push. It's no wonder I feel behind my peers. I feel it's because I actually am. While I don't know the full story, I've noticed things others have done that I haven't done yet and felt I should have already done like being used to waking up early for work, dating, cooking, etc. I'll be honest, I always felt I was a late bloomer for sure. I don't think that's a bad thing per say. I guess I just have to be nicer about how I view this. It's good that I finally have this moment that I feel I could be doing better for myself than I have been. Better late than never.

I did a compulsion on my dog two days ago before her grooming appointment. she was yelping whenever i touched near her mouth so i kept touching to make sure i wasn't hurting her. eventually i stopped and gave her a break. because i kept touching her i washed around her mouth but i accidentally overwashed her and her skin got irritated. it didn't seem like a big deal so i brought her to the groomer and they said she had a huge rash around her mouth but kept grooming her anyway and didn't call me to pick her up. i brought my dog home to put coconut oil on the rash to soothe it and she lunged and tried to eat it. because she's small i didn't want her to choke or get an upset stomach i tried to pull it out of her mouth and she was barking and freaking out bc she could sense i was annoyed and frustrated since she never lunges to eat things. it all happened so fast and next thing i know, i look up and my dog's eye starts internally bleeding. i took her to the vet and they said that kind of injury (hyphema) only happens from blunt force trauma. she eventually went blind in the eye and had to get it surgically removed. to this day, the doctors are unable to tell what caused her eye to bleed, but since i was the last person that touched her, i link the action to me. I do not remember her thrashing around or hitting her head at all while i was trying to apply the ointment, but now i am blaming myself because if i hadn't overwashed her and accidentally given her the rash, i wouldn't feel that this all ties back to me. because maybe her eye would have been destined to bleed but i would have discovered it in a neutral situation, and not a situation where i'm the last person to touch her. this has sent me into very severe depression, and unfortunately i believe i'm going to rehome my dog because this completely traumatized and scarred me. I don't believe it is me giving into OCD, but I have to be honest that I can only take so much. I do not remember any blunt force trauma when I last touched my dog. And the groomer was very rude when i asked for video footage of her appointment to see if maybe it stemmed there.