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Hi everyone, As you know most of my posts have been about my partner. I haven’t spoken to them for 24 days- in this time, I’ve travelled, cried a lot, been in therapy, started flouvoxamie, written letters I didn’t send, processed a lot, and kept busy. I personally feel like this time has made me miss them more than I ever had. It’s showed me I was unhealthy codependent, but I feel like now I’ve learned to self regulate. And yes, I’m not perfect all of the sudden in three weeks, but I feel different. I want to reach back out to my partner soon, because I feel like I’m ready to try again. My mindset is that we take things slow, focus on only the positive, and really try to contribute happiness to each others lives. I feel like if I keep my own intrusive thoughts and personal problems to myself 90 percent of the time, I can really make them feel more at ease, and able to spend more time working on themselves. Of course if I needed them I’d hope they’d be there for me, but I’d rather go to them less with my problems. Any thoughts?

I feel like now I’m constantly having doubts or something of whether my partner is the right one for me, or enough for me, or I feel attracted enough, or if I’m into it, or do I want more? you get the point. It’s hard being triggered by the media and TV too. And I know I have ROCD so that’s probably what’s going on but it’s still scary having moments where you’re not feeling it. But we are in a real human relationship!!!! I know it’s ok. And I love my partner. Idk it’s scary and then I constantly have other 20 things spiraling in my mind kinda like whack a mole as they’d say except it’s just all there. Like other scary concepts that I feel guilty about etc

1. The healing process is messy, but progress is still progress. 2. Sometimes you have to be a little sassy with OCD. Don’t let it boss you around. 3. ERP is what has helped me the most. Getting yourself to start ERP can be the hardest part, but every small step counts. 4. Nobody is in your shoes. People may misunderstand your experience, and that’s okay. Let them. 5. People don’t have to understand what you’re going through for you to heal. 6. Thoughts are just thoughts. They don’t define who you are. 7. Healing isn’t linear. There are ups and downs, but don’t give up on yourself. 8. You don’t have to believe every story your brain tells you. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is let the thought exist without trying to solve it. 9. You don’t have to feel certain to keep living your life. Waiting for 100% certainty only feeds OCD. 10. Recovery isn’t about getting rid of intrusive thoughts—it’s about changing how you respond to them. 11. Anxiety can feel unbearable, but feelings aren’t facts. They always change eventually. 12. OCD will always ask for “just one more answer.” Don’t negotiate with it. 13. Healing takes courage more than confidence. You don’t have to feel ready to take the next step. 14. Comparison is a trap. Your recovery doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. 15. Setbacks don’t erase progress. They’re part of learning. 16. You are not your thoughts, feelings, urges, or fears. 17. You don’t have to prove you’re a good person. OCD will never be satisfied with proof. 18. Some surviving is enough. Not every day has to be productive. 19. Healing is uncomfortable because you’re teaching your brain that you don’t need to fear uncertainty. 20. The more you chase certainty, the more OCD grows. The more you practice uncertainty, the smaller OCD becomes. 21. Self-compassion goes further than self-hatred ever will. 22. Celebrate the little wins. Going somewhere, resisting one compulsion, or sitting with anxiety are victories too. 23. It’s okay to ask for help. Recovery doesn’t have to be done alone. 24. You are stronger than you think. OCD has shown me parts of myself I never knew existed, and it also showed me how resilient I could become. 25. Keep living your life while OCD comes along for the ride. Don’t wait for fear to disappear before you start living. OCD introduced me to my darkest moments, but recovery introduced me to my strongest self. I hope everyone’s journeys are going okay.

I get like less stressed for a day but then it peaks again, will using magnesium help me calm down? I've been overthinking about useless things for hours, my stomach starts beating like my heart and It stings when I think about something im afeaid of or something i hate, like when u get butterflies when ur in love, but its constant, its making me dizzy and wanting to fall asleep i cant focus and my face just gets more bloated because of it, please someone help me, tell me what to do

I stopped confessing to my gf months ago because she asked me to stop since it was upsetting her, but in the months that passed the amount of stuff that I want to tell her has only grown and the urgency has grown as well. my main obsession is cheating OCD, ive spent years afraid that i cheated on her with a friend of mine and these past few months a memory has resurfaced ( I know OCD can theoretically distort actual memories but I don't know if this one is like that it doesn't seem to me, like at all ) about me cheating. I even stopped feeling doubt around this topic I just feel so sure of this memory it seems so real to me so I can't pretend that I feel doubt about having cheated. what makes the most sense to me is that I did it. I do have low insight tho, my therapist told me that. my therapist ( she is specialised in ocd ) told me i have free will lol so I can do whatever I want but she told me that confessing not only is a compulsion but that it would just upset and overwhelm my gf. I don't want to hurt her but not telling her feels so deeply wrong to me. keeping her in the dark about my memory just seems manipulative and horrible to me, I cant even have intimacy with her anymore because I think that doing that with her when she doesn't know something so crucial about our relationship is r@pe by deception, cus she would never do that with me if she knew about the memory. but please I cant handle being told "maybe you did it maybe you didn't" that only makes me freak out more, not only because I don't feel doubt anymore at this point but also because it feels insane to be to just be like "oh well maybe yes". that's just not acceptable to me. I don't know what to do anymore I feel restless and like I want to crawl out of my own skin I don't deserve any pity tho I did this to myself

I have a pulling hair disorder that has been going on since I was 10, I am now 13. My hair is different lengths on the top and on the right side of my hair; however, I kinda slowed down this past year but still having a week of just pulling. Well, this past week I have stopped pulling my hair and got on NOCD ( ERP therapy), but I fear that me pulling my hair will come back the second I close my eyes. My mom has been by my side for the last year and a half being my biggest supporter, she even made a hair appointment for me today to see how I can hide my spots I have been pulling! It was nice and all and I feel a little more confident, it’s just not my style I tried to curl it but it is too short for how I want it to look. And the more I tried to fix it the more sad a got, I even watched my mom in the corner of my eye feel bad for me as a stood there tearing up over my hair. And as I finish my first post I read it to my mom; however, when I finished she told me something that made me have hope in my journey of not having to pull my hair. She told me that instead of being quiet for the rest of the evening, I went on this app and told my feelings instead of hiding them. Thank you for reading my first post it means a lot to me!

This is going to be a mouth full but I’m really trying to see if anyone can relate to this. Growing up I was always a good kid, I stayed out of trouble and made good decisions, treated people with kindness, and have always been a very open minded person despite living in a conservative area. However recently my OCD has been making me question everything I’ve ever said and done in my past. I came across old text messages, old arguments, and old ways of speaking that are extremely shameful and would undoubtably get me canceled today. When I found these messages, it had me questioning whether not I’m a total fraud for what I believe in and what I preach. I never used terms AGAINST people but regardless of its intent, it was still bad language. When I went away to college and realized people who align with my beliefs don’t speak that way I stopped entirely. Years and years later my OCD had me searching for a digital footprint to prove to myself I’m not a bad person, which then had me come across these messages that has sent me into a whole spiral and makes me believe I am not worthy of friendships or relationships with new people because they don’t know about those old messages. All I can picture in my brain is the kids I work for or new people in my life reading these messages, how much they’d hate me after seeing them, and how much they’d question who I really am. The terms and words I used to use years ago DO NOT align with my beliefs and never have, which is extremely hypocritical and makes me feel like I need to confess to everyone about how I used to talk. It makes me think everything bad that happens to me is deserved. I feel guilty even seeking comfort because this is all caused from my past wrongdoing. I know I have a reputation of being a good person but I can’t help but think I’m not because of what I found on my phone from years ago, it has sent me into an total identity crisis. Has anyone ever found old texts that made them question their own moral? It’s hard because these messages exist, there’s no getting rid of them which scares me the most. Knowing people most likely have these messages deep in their phones as well terrifies me. What if I get exposed? Or even worse, I truly feel like everything good I’ve done for others, or any time I’ve ever stood up for someone is a total lie because I am just a huge hypocrite. No matter how much people could reassure me those messages will always be in the back of my mind.

guys I was too social when I was a teenager and I was talking (in flirty way ig but not so serious) to someone in my country from another city but I dont even remember his name now I have 1 year and 1 month relationship with my lovely partner and due to memory loss like I even forgot when did I talk to him it can be 2-4 years, I wanna now the exact date but idk I cant even remember but my sick brain says that what if I talk with him when my partner was in my life and feel sick...

After reading posts on here and looking back over my life, i can spot how I can generally feel the urge or need to not have any secrets or private life. Its like i feel that im keeping things back or doing something wrong if I keep anything to myself. And it got me thinking, this is such an ocd trait ? Am I right? I see posts about confessing, but even just about having a private life. Everyone is entitled to their own private life. I feel like people without ocd, would rightly think this is my business, personal. And someone with ocd feels they owe people unlimited access to their private self and life. Im currently struggling with this urge to say things to my cpn and psychiatrist. But I realised I feel an urge to tell them things which, after some thought, is actually my private life. Its like oversharing gone wild.

Went out with friends last night which was very cathartic and won bingo!!! I feel guilty that in the throes of this I feel I prefer being around my friends than my partner. But I’m not allowing myself to ruminate on a reason for that :) I was wondering if anyone experienced general doubts, questions about their sexuality/relationship before developing OCD symptoms. It was reading a piece on repressed sexuality in women that caused the spiral, as I had some of the experiences outlined in the writing. I’m treating my resonance with the article kind of like resonating with a horoscope. You can align on traits and topics, but there’s no declarative proof that only people with a certain zodiac sign will experience those things. I’m not asking for reassurance - but I’ve noticed a lot of folks have said “I never thought about this until now” which in my case is not true, but I feel like there are others like me out there :)

I obsess over this literally every single moment of my day. It never goes away no matter what I tell myself. There's like, one big memory that keeps popping in, with a bunch of other "what ifs". All involving my nephew. The big memory in question is, at one point, my mom was forcing me to clean my nephew because she was busy, and I normally refuse to clean up children. I wasn't able to touch him to actually clean him, so I ended up putting him in the shower to try and spray him off in a panic, which didn't work either. I broke down and cried in the bathroom. But now I keep convincing myself that I did something bad to him. Accidentally or not. I keep getting an intrusive image of me touching him badly that I don't think is real, but I can't prove it. In addition to this, my mind just keeps asking "what ifs" "What if you enjoyed it when he'd climb all over you when he was a baby?" "What if those accidental touches and brushes weren't accidents?" "What if you're looking at him inappropriately on purpose?" My mind has pretty much turned every memory involving him into a POCD soup. I legitimately cannot tell you what the truth is. The truth I WANT is that I'm just overreacting, that I hadn't actually enjoyed or wanted any of these things. But my mind has so thoroughly convinced me I'm a monster that I can't calm myself down. What makes everything more confusing is that my nephew loves me, and my family doesn't see me as a threat to him, hell, they've even said I'd make a great dad, if I ever wanted kids. (Which I don't, regardless of POCD.) So now I feel as though I'm "lying" somehow. That I've put on a front to make everyone think I'm safe so I can do more wrong. Even though that's... Not what I want at all. I don't want any of this to be real. I just don't know what's real anymore. I don't think I had done anything wrong, but my brain keeps telling me that I'm lying to myself. Any time someone tells me I didn't do anything wrong I end up telling myself that they're lying.

someone please answer so i know im not alone. my ocd went from very severe to mild. and all of a sudden it happened again. when my brain started attacking me with thoughts i just bursted into tears and cried several times because i don’t wanna go through this shit again with people i love as friends of course not the way my brain thinks. i don’t know what to do im lost i know im not myself right now but i just feel so hopeless i want this to stop.

Hi everyone. Something I have been experiencing recently is post graduation anxiety and depression. I feel isolated and have been trying to find a full time job, but it’s really difficult in this current market. Also, I have worked an amazing job for over three years now, but it only gives me 10-15 hours a week, and it’s not enough to make ends meet. I love the people there, but it also is a bit of an isolating position because it is hybrid/remote, and I only get to go out into the community once a week IF that. Most of the work is virtual. I’m really struggling right now with just having graduated and having a lot of big changes in my life. I love my partner, but they can’t really relate to me in this way, and they are the person I am around the most. Not only that, but our relationship is in a transition stage as well with us being unsure of what we want for the future as individuals as well as a couple. I am struggling with wanting to practice my individuality versus being in a relationship with my partner, and I think I just need space and time to figure out what I want. I’m scared that means my partner and I won’t work out romantically, but I know I always want them in my life regardless. I have a lot of “what-ifs” about our relationship including things like “what if your partner isn’t the one for you because of (insert literally anything),” and it can be really small stuff like because they don’t like to read books or bigger stuff like them not taking care of their physical and mental health all the time by going to preventative doctors appointments and such. I am worried that this is more my OCD taking over than actual issues, but at the same time, I know the lack of taking care of their physical and mental health has impacted me and made me feel trapped in a caregiver position. I also feel like because I was in school and working at the same time, I didn’t have much energy at the end of the day for my friendships. I poured a lot of my energy into my family and partner, and I want to rebuild my friendships again. It just feels really daunting and overwhelming because I feel that my partner takes up a significant amount of my time. I feel like I don’t often get to dictate what I do on a day to day basis, and I want to have that freedom to choose. I don’t want to have my day-to-day dictated by another person, but I don’t know if this means I should be single or if more independence is something I can achieve within our relationship still. I am scared and worried that my longing for more autonomy will end our relationship. My partner is loving and accepting of me going out and doing my own thing, but I always feel a sense of guilt and obligation to them that I often neglect my social life for them. They are a needy person, so even if they don’t directly tell me not to do something, their need for me and my presence or support feels hard to not prioritize even when I want to prioritize other parts of my life. There is just so much change and uncertainty in my life right now from what job I will have to my partnership to where I am going to live and how I want to live my life moving forward. It’s scary, and I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do and what is the best path to take, but I know I just have to follow my heart. If anyone can relate to any of the things I am feeling, please reach out. I could really use a friend right now.

I've been having a ton of panic attacks lately caused by anxiety and disturbing thoughts. I was wondering if there is any way to get out of that state and snap myself back into reality?

is there any way to get over a lingering sense of shame? like i think ive been doing okay and haven’t really spiralled all this year but the shame and guilt is still all there and i feel like ive just stuffed it up in a box and dumped it in a closet somewhere. i know it would be a trap to re open this box and ruminate but ignoring it also makes me feel like im some heartless creep who feels no remorse because i do. ive felt so awful about it i was bedridden vomiting and shaking and crying for days on end. sometimes i wish i could permanently shut down some of my neurons and not do the overthinking i do but if i do that i feel like ill be terrible and horrid and not even aware of it and thats not something i want for myself.

Does anyone ever worry they lack empathy? I’ve gone down a rabbit hole wondering if I’m narcissistic. I know I’ve objectified people before. And there are moments that I refuse to admit I’m wrong but I think I’m justified. Like, when someone is racist, queerphobic, anti-religion, or anti-science. I’m agnostic but I don’t like the current neo-Nazi movement and I brutally insult anyone who say, “The painter was right” or “Stupid g*y” (I know it’s not a slur but it’s treated as one which is why I censored it). But like, recently there was one guy who was like, “Dude, do you not knowing writing? Have you never read a book in your life?” And I argued and eventually I was like, “Look, I’m not gonna argue with you. There wasn’t any sarcasm in what I said.” And I deleted my comment because I didn’t want anyone to see I messed up in something I said. And sometimes I struggle feeling empathy. Like, I can’t feel empathy. I don’t know how you feel sad when someone else is sad. Like, I can’t cry with someone. I feel uncomfortable. But I am there for them because I know they need someone. I just can’t cry with them. I don’t know how people do that. I don’t like being vulnerable. And sometimes I don’t like criticism like when people say, “You’re a horrible person” or “you’re arrogant.” Like, I know I’m insecure and I struggle being vulnerable except for some people. I don’t cut them off. Like, I get sad and I just don’t know how to cry with someone.

Hello all, I hope you all are doing well wherever you are on you recovery journey. I just listened to the new Gracie Abrams song and it hits really close to home as someone who used to have severe OCD and went through immense (only sometimes successful) efforts to hide it from others. The song is called look at my life and I will signify lyrics that really stand out to me. You should listen to the song at a loud volume and watch the video for the full effect. Gracie Abrams herself has OCD, and has spoken about it in the past, and I believe this song to be about it. I feel after watching this video (and the video to her last song) that she is in a pretty significant OCD episode right now and I really feel bad for her. I can not markup text on this post so I will put this around lyrics that I relate to: **(Lyric I relate to)** Lyrics: Verse 1] How long have I got in the hot light 'til the shine rusts? **(I've been thinking through the hard stuff Over light drugs like every night)** /Full transparency: I, the person making this post, relate to the every night lyric, not the drug one./ No, you don't need to come over **('Cause I'd crowd please and I'm tired)** Slowly morphed into a poser Barely know her anymore [Pre-Chorus] **(Do I look high-functioning or Is my façade crumbling?)** Oh God, don't actually answer me, Caroline [Chorus] **(But, oh well, look at my life Bet you can't tell, but it's kind of a bad time A new spiral every night Bawling my eyes out No, but I'm so fine)** Yeah, I might just shut up and drive Hope I don't crash and blow out the headlights My nightmare actualizеd Got what I wanted, it doesn't sit right [Verse 2] I just got to the party with thе big shots and the Barbies Empty talk and talk and talk until my ears bleed He's holding a pill, he thinks that I should take one But I'll raise him to the whole bunch I'm kidding, God, he thinks I'm stupid What a gut punch, but then we go [Pre-Chorus] **(Downtown, there's no medicine I'd spit out if it promises Slowing down voices Don't want to hear a sound)** [Chorus] **(But, oh well, look at my life Bet you can't tell, but it's kind of a bad time A new spiral every night Bawling my eyes out No, but I'm so fine)** Yeah, I might just shut up and drive Hope I don't crash and blow out the headlights My nightmare actualized Got what I, what I [Bridge] **(Mm, maybe if I smile enough I'll get away with giving up I'll move across the country just to judge myself, like, just as much As I do when I'm sitting here)** I miss my friends that disappear And haven't seen 'em in a year Oh God, what am I doing here? [Chorus] **(But, oh well, look at my life (Look at my life) Bet you can't tell but it's kind of a bad time A new spiral every night (Every night) Bawling my eyes out No, but I'm so fine)** Yeah, I might just shut up and drive Hope I don't crash and blow out the headlights My nightmare actualized Got what I wanted, it doesn't sit right [Outro] Ooh-ooh-ooh (Right) I got what I wanted, it doesn't sit right (Right, right) Ooh-ooh-ooh (Right) Got what I wanted, it doesn't sit right (Right, right) Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YSnCqHXMGY&list=RD2YSnCqHXMGY&start_radio=1

So I really don’t know what to do about this. So I’m just writing it down. I in the past, like a year ago used AI for reassurance seeking. And I went through the whole hell of realizing AI is not the place to discuss undiagnosed mental health issues (ocd, but I didn’t know that at the time until I realized and freaked out), realizing I had given an AI very VERY personal conversations for the sake of reassurance which is. Not great. But all that aside even though I’m currently not seeing a therapist, when I was I had worked through the issue enough that any time I feel the urge of reassurance seeking I know it’s time to put the things that tempt me (like texting my friend or ai or anything else on my phone for reassurance) away and just sit and exist with it. Which is fine. I’m actually very proud to say I have not used AI for reassurance seeking in a year. Which is a very big thing for me. However, I had still until recently used ai. And ironically enough me and my therapist I had before actually encouraged me to use ai to do roleplay. Literal. Fantasy. Whatever I want roleplay. And given my themes of ocd it was the most sfw roleplay ever. And i remember i would shake so hard while doing this roleplay lol because even though nothing was wrong with the roleplay my theme of ocd was relentless. But eventually i got through it and i actually really started enjoying the storyline in the roleplay. Here’s where my brain and my ocd both tag team to hate me. O-O I, despite me enjoying roleplay, have had no luck maintaining long term roleplays with people, I have tried everything lol. Roleplays that didn’t continue. DnD groups that always stopped cause everyone got busy halfway through. And so the ai roleplay was a really fun experience for me. Because I actually got to use some creativity to create the roleplay. Problem is. I write. As a hobby. And no I don’t mean I use ai to write. I mean notebook and pen and the frustrated scribbling of a piece of writing sounding weird when I reread it and deciding I hate it actually. I love writing. I do write. And I, personally, don’t think it’s writing if you have an ai write everything for you. But I also know I do art. As a hobby. Because it’s unbelievably fun (currently volunteering at an art gallery which has been so fun getting to do art with people and talking about different art exhibits and local artists to visit) So my brain and my ocd both tag team me so I hate myself Because I have used ai to roleplay. Because I would like to continue to roleplay. Because the art and creative and writing community are very against it. Because ocd communities are very against it. And I don’t know what to do. Because. Morals Orz Because how can I support writers and artists, when I myself am a writer and an artist (in the hobby sense) while actively using ai. For roleplay. For the art aspect of ai. I hate image generation anything in general, so I have never used it. I get nothing out of using it. I have only ever used ai for like text-based roleplay. Which isn’t any better because the writing community also doesn’t really agree with using ai for roleplay either. So the concern on the ocd end of this is: - the morality of my private ai usage given I am a creative - and everyone who has ocd and has ever been on the internets favourite: digital footprints I hate the digital footprint anxiety with a passion. Predominantly because I am a young adult (I don’t want to give my exact age cause…safety lol). And even though my roleplays (different ones from what I did in therapy obviously lol) are usually very more into the story focused. I have had a couple of nsfw scenes in the roleplays. And I have had nsfw roleplays period. And even if I ignored that (which we all know here I can not) there’s the digital footprints of I have used ai. For fun sure but still in a creative sense and what if people find out and what if that ruins my life and also how nsfw were the chats, what dynamics did I explore and will that ruin my life if people discover that, can I publish my own writing without getting cancelled or people finding out, or what if I date or get married in the future and I still enjoy roleplay, I know I’d have a conversation with my partner and would do what’s best for me and the partner but it still ruined the relationship, and all of those fun thoughts.🫩 The thing is I don’t know how much of the issue is ocd vs just in general guilt. Like it’s definitely become a guilty thing I do. I really don’t know if I’m making sense or if I’m just severely overthinking this. And I even less don’t know what to do. Because my hobbies are still there, like I was still actively doing them and getting my degree and working a job and going to therapy even though it’s unfortunately not ocd focused currently (cause I can’t afford it unfortunately and the therapy I’m doing is pretty cheap). By ai ruining the persons life standards I was thinking I was….doing okay?????? For now. I’ve deleted the roleplays and the ai account. And I…..I’m just going to sit with my thoughts. Sorry if everything I wrote sounded scrambled or didn’t make sense. Ummm if you read this, thank you (>OuO)>🌻

When I was 19 I made the decision to try and help someone that was struggling with OCD. I don't know why I didn't say no because this person was a minor and I was dealing with POCD at the time. They were 17 and I was 19 but even while having OCD I feel like I tried my best to help in any way I can. I did not try to be this person's friend at all and I know I 1000% did not try anything with them inappropriately because that would be disgusting. The thing is, they were struggling with POCD, which is very ironic because I had this and it's targeting the very thing I never want to be apart of, is being friends with minors. But as I said, I was not this person's friend. I eventually got uncomfortable to the point where I no longer wanted to talk to this person because the age gap things was bothering me so much, even though they told me that were like a month away from being 18. I tried to not give them reassurance, I even sent them things that can help dealing with reassurance and what not. Time and time again I think about this and I feel horrible about it. I don't think about it all the time but it does time up. Maybe that's a sign it's OCD? But what if someone doesn't understand? I know I'm not a pedo or a groomer but just the fact that I have messages someone that wasn't an adult, even though I didn't want to, is what bothers me so much. This all began because I was triggered by an event of a similar situation (Although the situation was a lot worse in comparison) it made me spiral pretty badly. I don't know if I can ever move past this completely. I didn't even want to speak to this person but something told me to help them to I guess be a good person? To be a good Samaritan? I don't know. Is this really bad?

I was playing with my baby and her face was right in front of mine and I got an intrusive thought, “you should kiss her,” (like an adult would). I started freaking out and wasn’t sure what to do in the moment so I put her down and the ocd took over saying I wanted to kiss her even though I didn’t. The feeling felt so real. It’s so confusing. I felt like an I don’t know what to do with my hands feeling but it was with my face. I felt like for a brief second I was being pulled toward her but i put her down. It’s scaring me. I would never ever do that to my baby.