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I'm tired. I'm just so mentally exhausted from the repetitive torture my brain puts me through. A week ago I felt so happy and I felt like a good mom. Now I'm terrified and can't feel any happiness or enjoyment in anything because I feel like I'll end up snapping and hurting or even worse killing my child and I will lose my entire life in a second. I know my thoughts are just thoughts and I know that the only reason I obsess over these things is because they are my biggest fears, but still knowing that, it bothers me to the point of having panic attacks and feeling nauseous. Take away the fear of losing my child, my whole family hating me and being sickened by me and going to prison for the rest of my life and the obsession fades away. I feel like I'm no longer afraid of the thoughts themselves but of actually doing something. I wish I could escape myself.

Hi everyone i have fucked up and would really appreciate some advice/help and i apologise in advance for the essay im about to write! A couple of months ago ive met this guy... I feel like he is my person and ive never met anyone that i have felt certain about wanting to spend the rest of my life with <3 Last night i went on a night out (i dont often) and really messed up 😭😭 I went out with 2 friends 1 girl 1 boy. I hate myself for it and i know it is wrong but me and my lad friend ended up kissing. It wasnt that we were attracted to eachother and wanted to kiss eachother it was more of a "lets see how eachother kiss" and after too much drinks it seemed like a fun harmless idea as it meant nothing, then. Afterwards (i cant remember properly) he went to me "thats made me hard, do you want to feel" i cant remember if i said yes, i didnt actually want to touch it i was just intrigued that had happened and hed had that reaction. Anyway, he grabbed my hand and put it on him. I am so ashamed When i woke up this morning i couldnt deal with the fact that i had kissed someone else even if it was just for a bit of fun and ignoring everybodys advice i told the truth to my boyfriend. He took it very badly which is understandable but wants to work things out. Now i am obsessing because i havent told him about the hand thing and i havent been fully truthful and i am thinking how are we going to work when i am keeping a secret like that?? He has said it was only a kiss i wouldnt be here still if it was anything more and that was what has triggered this off. I also have this vague memory of grabbing his dick but it doesnt feel like a normal memory but it seems real and i dont know if thats a true memory or not? 😩 I asked my friend and he said nothing like that had happened and i shouldnt worry. I cant cope i feel so so guilty and awful like i cant describe about the kiss and how i could do that whilst with someone I truly love, i cant bare that I havent told him about my friend putting my hand there and feel like its a matter of life or death telling him or not telling him but i know if i do then it will end everything, and i also feel fucking awful with these thoughts of 'What if i grabbed it or not? " and what else have i done that i dont remember? I am fully aware i did wrong and i hate myself, i really cant bare myself or what i did right now. 😭😭

So I have been working with exposure therapy for the past couple days and I think it's going good. But I have a question for those that suffer from relationship OCD. Now the thought "I don't love him" isn't about my husband... I'm gonna feel terrible for saying this but it's about my own son. He's my only baby and he's 7. I know deep down I love him more than anything but small things trigger me and makes me think I don't. Like tonight I'm forgetting some good memories and some things I feel like good mothers would never forget. Is this common? I'm freaking out here.

Absolutely no attraction to women at all, it feels like Im forcing it when I see them. Theres just no desire or feelings, it causes me to feel weak in my limbs and gives me this weird feeling in my chest. Ughhh, I know dreams dont mean much but I had this dream last night where I got attached to this girl but I was feeling more attracted to men and chose to leave her. It makes feel so shit.

So, here I am again. I made it through the night. Not sure how, but I did. Woke up more often than I usually have been. Once, for a potty break. The other times just because. Because I heard a noise? Because I thought I heard a noise? My mind just won't let the anxiety in my stomach rest, or is it the opposite? I'm not sure. I don't have a therapist here, and I don't mean to bend y'alls ears, just kinda don't like the feeling this anxiety has been giving me. To feel like I'm going to die drains the blood from my face. And feeling the warmth of the blood leave my face feels wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just not ready to die right now. Of course, I don't have the say as to when that will be. I feel ashamed because I have been talking about me, me, me, and I need to be thinking about my husband. Covid played a dirty trick on him, or maybe getting the covid will actually save his life. Starting with the two blood clots in the lower part of his lungs. Then hearing about the restriction of blood flow around his heart. Now, they did say restriction not obstruction,so I'm hoping that's a good sign. And the fact that when they called, they didn't direct him to the nearest hospital,"do not pass go, do not collect $100,"might also be a fairly good sign. I'm not sure if you want to hear this, but as I'm typing, I am also sobbing. Good thing this is not paper because no one would be able to read it. Who am I kidding, maybe noone wants to read it anyway. Wait, what's my moniker on this site? God is in Control? I better shape up.

Self harm ocd trigger! How to differentiate intrusive ocd suicidal thoights and real suicidal thoughts? I often am scared that my suicidal thoughts are real and i am scared as hell then. Woke up with intense anxiety this morning. How to make a difference between them? Thanks for you support! :)

Does anyone else get intrusive thoughts while praying or thinking of God? It has been stressing me out so bad. I feel like I’m a bad Christian or somethings wrong with me cause sometimes I get flooded with intrusive thoughts when I try to focus my time on God.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I’m having a panic attack how my body believes that it’s gay! Because I woke up and I was just shaking because of the intrusive thoughts. I am scared of becoming gay. Yet, I’m not really freaking out a lot, I’m just shaking and saying, “did I turn gay? I don’t want to be gay!” Im currently trying to think about the intrusive thoughts to see if I’d get something from it. But I’m not! Which I’m glad. However, my mind is still bazerk right now. It’s irregular for me because whenever I think the intrusive thoughts, I start having a anxiety attack, but this time I’m not! Im shaking and I don’t know what to do. WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!

I want to give up, can I really do this? I feel exhausted having to deal with my thoughts and urges. I feel burnt out. I feel like sleeping all day, all week, escaping from reality. I need someone to talk to, please.

Please help me guys. I stumbled upon an article of a man who was gay, but found out later in his life.. I’m so terrified! I don’t want to live anymore guys.. I love my girlfriend.. I want to marry her, but I’m terrified. Please help!

I hate Real Event, POCD, and False memory. While I’ve struggled a lot with other themes like contamination, existential, and perfectionism. I genuinely wish I was back to those, because while they were scary and still made me give into compulsions and just give I got eh anxiety, at least they never had me question my morals and if I was this monster and terrible human being who should either k*ll themselves, turn themselves in for something they’re not really sure they did or if it was as bad as I remember, or isolate myself from the world and live a life of solitude and misery. I’m constantly questioning my intentions, memories, and who I am as a person. It started off with two things that I deeply regret and was ashamed of, but now it’s turned into a gigantic mass of bad decisions I’ve made in life and making me wonder if there’s more to it, if I’m not remembering something absolutely horrendous. I don’t even know if this is OCD or not anymore. I hate that reassurance doesn’t work, I hate not being able to function in life and do the things I need to do. I’m tired of being a burden, I have people who tell me to relax and I’m terrified constantly, I don’t deserve the love they give me, I hate it. I genuinely wish I’d never existed.

I used to say my ex best friend was my soulmate as a joke but it’s true that I haven’t had a friend I’ve been that close to again so I’m scared I liked her because this is how a lot of women felt when they realized they had crushes. But I hate the idea of kissing her or doing stuff with her or developing a romantic connection, it seems fine but there’s no longing something just doesn’t feel right about it. Sometimes I wish I could disappear (not in a worrisome way, just to not have to think anymore) and not exist, this is too painful and uncomfortable.

Okay everyone last post of the day honestly. I just need help. I’ve been feeling better and wanted to basically experiment with my hair buying wigs. Here’s the thing, I decided on synthetic because i believe it’s more humane i just found one who’s texture i love but its called Dominica which im assuming is a play on words for saying this texture is supposed to imitate that of people from the Dominican Republic. Only thing I is i was romantically involved with a guy and while i was talking to him he was still very close to his ex (who was if I remember correctly from the DR). The romantic encounters end with that guy brought on my worst and longest bought of ocd and idk i think i get triggered when i see someone or something from the DR. Now im questioning if im buying this hair to look like her out of jealousy or self hate and am wondering now if every wig i bought was because i was trying to be someone else and wasn’t loving myself. Not a nice feeling at all…. Help? I never really even saw this woman. But in the picture i think i saw of her the texture of her hair, I believe was even different from the hair/wig i wanted to buy but does that even matter? Idk. Just bringing in context. Also just want to say thank you to this community for being here for me lately so much i appreciate it 😊.

Okay so i have a lot to say and i know if even one of you reads this i wont feel alone… pls read if you can i would be grateful 1. So i have soocd and I don’t know if I believe it. Somedays i am good don’t feel like i have it at all and then there are days when i am miserable. 2. While i was with a friend recently she said in a very joking way that you have never really had a bf just accept it you’re a lesbian and that put me in a spot i smiles and took it as a joke but it got me thinking she could be right I haven’t liked a guy in so long what could that mean?!? I didn’t have a problem with her saying it and I don’t know what to think of it but with every thought after that i have gone back to this and thought what if this was right… 3. So people i see on the internet getting to know what they really were later in life what if that happens with me?!! What if I actually get whatever realisation it is later what would i do then and if i am thinking of this possibility then there might be some truth in it?!? For me to even think of it in the first place.. 4. I read a comment on this platform that with soocd you just never think of coming out and I didn’t too but then i had this anxiety strike when i felt like i was going to tell my mom or my friends about it but i felt like why would i ?!? Would i be lying if i do?!? What if i am not?!? It felt too real and is that some sign cause that’s opposite of what one with soocd would do… 5. A question which constantly is there is just cause we haven’t been put in a situation like that we don’t know it what if we are and we like it and then what?!? All of this would mean a lie… 6. Friends who are straight and have kissed the same sex feel no anxiety nothing are okay with it what if our anxiety with these thoughts means they actually are true cause why else would we be so bothered with them what could be the reason it could be true but just us being scared because people without this are easy going and which just like in a way proves that we are scared and that’s why we are so bothered…. 7. My past same sex childhood experiences haven’t been a help either what if i was always a bi and now just transforming into a like completely liking the same sex and why was that easy for me to write… what if i never liked guys and all that was fake… what am i supposed to do 8. Sometimes i feel i fake all of it like i saw a girl with a septum piercing and short hair and i was like looking at her and staring and idk if it was my soocd telling me she’s cute would be my type?!? But why would i even think that in the first place…. And then it was like i wanted it to be fake so i just kept reminding myself of thinking about it forcefully so its like soocd and not denial and why would i do that why did that feel so real and so fake at the same time.. its so messed up.. 9. A video on reel o saw of this girl in an all girls school and her parents sent her to stay away from boys but jokes on then cause she is not straight and i was like what if i was put in that position and there are people with soocd who think we never do that but then why do i think i would and would i be okay with it or is it my soocd making me feel so but it should make me feel the opposite.. like i should try to run away from it… 10. And like i said why would i keep noticing when it should be trigger and i should avoid it or switch it off like I don’t understand what am I supposed to to…even when i pray that i am over all of this i feel its always so fake do i even want it to be will I accept this in the near future what do i do… Lastly i just don’t know what to do or where to go from here i always feel like i am faking this and using soocd as a mode of escapism. Sometimes i think I don’t have it altogether cause the feeling of all these feelings being are so real and denial I don’t know what to trust..I don’t know if you guys will relate to me but if you do ig you’re not alone…

Does anyone have ocd about what the vaccine could have done to their body? This isn’t an anti vax vs vax post. It’s more about the hypochondria ocd of constantly worrying about your body/health. I even wonder if the vaccine is changing chemicals in my brain. I obsess about it. Now after having it, I obsess about wondering if any health issue is related. I was damned if I do damned if I don’t during this pandemic as a hypochondriac and I felt so judged by everyone on both sides of the issue. Anyone else like this? Health ocd is no joke. I got the vaccine out of pressure from family but I knew it would swing me into an OCD spell. It sure enough did. They don’t understand because they don’t have OCD. They just feel good about getting vaccinated. I truly wish I could too 😞. Any encouragement would be appreciated!

Anyone think that maybe some of us are just too far gone I’m serious don’t sugar coat like no matter what you do your doomed to become homeless can’t keep a job can’t have confidence can’t find yourself it’s like once you’re this low it’s hard to pull yourself up because it looks like everyone around you is able to at least keep there head up and have confidence most days I don’t even want to wake up

I feel isolated in the OCD community sometimes…… outside of this app absolutely NO ONE recognizes anything that isn’t numbers, objects, or germs. In fact, to some people it’s laughable to mention harm, SO ocd, rocd etc. they think just because they can’t see the illness in action, that it simply doesn’t exist. I’m sick of it. I and many others who suffer from this type has never given a fuck about numbers, germs, perfectionism- so why is it the ONLY poster child of this illness??? Why does it only contain 3 forms of representation?? Makes me feel even worse and doubtful of my illness….

Okay so just wanted to share that I’ve stopped acting on my ocd compulsions as I can honestly say that I feel like myself again. Yes I may still get triggered but it’s nothing as bad as before. I feel confident and like I don’t really care as much if my fear were to happen. It’s life and I am accepting that I have no control anymore and that I am simply a vulnerable person who can be hurt ☺️

Can people talk about how they do exposures with ROCD? I feel like my compulsions can be hard to pinpoint, so I don’t always know what to avoid. I definitely do a lot of ruminating, googling (which is clearer cut to avoid), and checking to see if I feel enough love, comparing to perceptions of other relationships, etc. But it’s hard sometime to tell if a compulsion is happening. Any tips friends?

Having a day and that’s okay. Going to try on wedding dresses anyway.