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the NOCD Community

Bedtime rituals lasted an hour this time. I only know this because I put my phone down to start them and saw it was around 4am and now that I’ve finally put my head down to rest it’s 5:05. I think that’s the longest it’s ever lasted, I was biting the insides of my mouth the entire time and now it aches 😓

I hate how many different details and fears my mind has analyzed around the same event eight years ago. It feels endless. It is endless. What happened? How do I know? What are the possible consequences? Have I concerned this before? Did I talk with others? Did I consider it properly? How does it relate to all the other variables? When I decided this was just ocd in the past, was I thinking about it right? Can I trust those people? How can this be irrational when this intrusive thought feels so powerful and real? Can I risk potential harm to others if I’m wrong? Am I remembering this correctly? If I had a bit more information, maybe I’d be content? If this isn’t real, why did I panic about this so many times? Maybe everyone else is just patronizing me because they don’t want me to accept the terrible thing I’ve done. What about that memory? What about that other memory? What about that memory of analyzing that memory? What about this detail that always spikes your anxiety? What if you never get better? Can this really be ocd if it is possible that someone could have been harmed? What if all this ocd advice I read is for other people, people with actual ocd? I’m just so tired.

What are some good resources for spouses on how to deal with their husband/wife that has OCD?

I just was getting better from the last time my ocd got worse 6 years ago now it’s all happening again rite when I was getting better I bought zippered clothes bags to put my clothes in instead of the big trash bags if keep them in to keep them clean I don’t put my clothes in the closets and in drawers cause then my clean clothes wouldn’t be clean to me so I kept them in big trash bags that I could close up but then I was getting a little bit better and bought these collapsible zipper clothes bags you can stack them so i finally was able to organize my clothes in the clothes bags instead of haveing them all in a trash bag which was a huge deal to me and I was finally able to wear neosporin and exzema creams on my hands from washing them so much and cause I had mold and cats and just were I lived wasn’t the best and irritated my skin even more I was able to put the creams on and touch stuff threw out the day not panicking over if I’m transferring the contaminated cream from my hand to other objects so things were getting better less frustrating and my bf had been doing better himself and his anger he had kept his job bought him a car and a pop up camper tools and lawn stuff we had help from his sister getting to live on her land in her camper for free just pay water and electric so it just helped us alot I got my teeth pulled and dentures then shit started getting stressful again trying to deal wit my teeth and getting adjustments my doctor wasn’t being cooperative wit my healing process and I missed appointments and then we had to move cause we had been at the camper for almost a year and that’s wat we agreed upon to stay there for just a year to help us I felt like I was falling apart I just wanted time to heal from my teeth cause it takes time to heal and be able to eat it’s extremely stressful then we moved into an amazing place brand new carpet it was clean and everything was perfect it was the cheapest place in my area that this property ppl had they own alot of apartments in my area and it being the cheapest had me worried bout wat it looked like but all those worry’s stopped once we saw the place so clean balcony storage kitchen counters and cabinets huge bedroom closests nice bathroom dining room free cable included and all brand new carpet then a week into staying here they sprayed the carpets wit bug spray cause I seen a couple fleas and fleas don’t bother me your gonna see them sometimes especially if ppl have animals but they still came a sprayed I had no idea they’d sprayed majority of our carpets I had to shampoo them till 3 in the morning not eating in full panick mode crying scared upset and still to this day I feel the same way it’s been 2 months I’ve called everyone and everywere begging for help explaining my ocd and this trigger wit the carpet along wit my other ocd all I want is some relief to relax to get some rest and wake up in a better mood and live my life and be better like I was getting prior to all of this bullshit these doctors don’t understand ocd and just prescribe medications they don’t understand the anxiety and panick and other issues that come wit haveing ocd and prescribe 1 medication like it’s going to fix your panick attacks and stressing issues and your other issues by just giveing you an antidepressant and then I can’t get help from any ocd ppl cause noone accepts my insurance this is rediculous to be this miserable cause the stupidity of doctors and insurance issues something needs to change.

I’ve not been eating as much I’ve been nauseous hot a sweaty sick feeling realy anxious I just feel like I’m gonna throw up I can’t barely eat even when I do eat I feel like throwing up I have alot of anxiety attack feelings I feel like I just can’t eat like I have a stomach bug but I don’t I’d it my medication I just started is it serotonin syndrome I’m panicky feeling I’m overwhelmed and stressed I want to just relax but I’m just worrying on top of these sick feelings I want some relief.

Do any of you constantly have the feeling that ir cheating no ur partner psychologically? Like if u think someone is interesting that means ur not in love with ur partner! Or if u have a friend of the same sex as ur partner and u love him/her that means ur in love in a sexual way with them! I’m always thinking that I might Love someone either than my partner! It’s an awful sensation!

is it possible that soocd can come about from having a lack of understanding of things related to sex? i’m not sure if i worded that in a way that makes sense. but i actually don’t think i experience sexual attraction like most people do?

I hate when people say: There’s nothing you can do or think about this issue! You just have to accept it. And then my brain interprets it as: You will never have peace and will live with the dread of your actions for eternity.

I have had ocd for along time I had no childhood no normal high school experiences no work experiences I’ve just been trying to get better all these years and appear normal to try to have some kind of similar normal kid experiences that everyone else was haveing instead of spending hours on simple homework riteing and reriteing till I eventually had to get a tutor to help me but I was still spending hours on the homework simple homework but my ocd made me feel like I was not riteing the letters rite and going over the same letters another thing is I was spending 2 hours in the shower doing order and symmetry stuff and getting that just rite feeling so I was busy wit ocd others were being a kid and it sucks im now 29 and still haveing issues I’m on ssi and make 500 something dollars a month there’s no security in that I can’t live on my own and can’t even begin to explain the life I’ve had cause of my ocd and a couple months ago I learned bout exposure and response prevention I read ppl posts and other ppl story’s that were exactly like mine doctors and therapists don’t understand ocd and that’s who was treating all of us and I just think that should be illegal for doctors to not understand and continue to prescribe medications when do they tell the patient there’s specific ocd help out there and refer them somewere else cause I’ve never had anyone tell me that I could’ve gotten help years ago the help that I actually needed I could’ve had a different life not filled with ocd but these hospitals and doctors and therapists chose to keep me and treat me when they shouldn’t have and now I’m trying to get help and can’t cause nowere in Tennessee accepts my insurance and there’s not even any inpatient ocd places here and it’s so common for ocd sufferers to not get help cause there’s just not alot of help out there it’s crazy I can’t get help even though I’m begging for it all cause of my insurance and it’s 40000 dollars a month at an inpatient place who the fuck can afford that this is all rediculous.

I really convinced myself I don’t love him anymore…. I had a clarity moment a few days ago… we got into a huge argument yesterday I mean the biggest argument we have ever had in our whole 11 1/2 years…. I am having anxiety… no thoughts. Just feelings and feeling very convinced it’s me… I don’t wanna break up with him. Idk what to do…

I have pure o ocd, and I’m filling out my heirarchy but I’m struggling to understand triggers and therefore exposures. I generally just get thoughts for no reason, particularly when my mind is idle I just start scanning for potential worries, and there aren’t any specific triggers like with contamination ocd. When I have a specific worry, it just pops up - and although my compulsions are clear (rationalising, reassurance seeking). How do you build out triggers and exposures in this case? Do I need to just think about the worry without doing the compulsion?

HOCD Below i feel like my whole brain has been rewired by HOCD and pornography, its like i have two different things speaking for me in my mind deep deep down ik im straight and i could never see myself with a man but these random “fantasies” appear in my head, it makes me think i like my friends, random classmates, and gives me slight ghroinal responses. ik theres not much u can say but if theres anyone who had a longer expired then me that could give me any advice it’d be appreciated. (ive been dealing with this for about half a year).

Im having a really hard time and was triggered, can anyone talk please!!

Today is super anxious. With some thoughts like im "girly" ex. How i walk,talk,move,sit,stand basically everything. Then the thought of im stressing out bc i am bi . Its all uncomfortable and im irritated

so i took a hiv test today and the result was negative, i should be relaxed now but i am still a little worried that something went wrong

so i dont really know where to start this off other than saying I haven’t been diagnosed with ROCD but it’s the only label I can associate with. For the past two weeks I’ve felt extremely anxious and keep thinking “What if I’m using my boyfriend?” Or “what if I just see him as a friend and not my boyfriend?” Or “he deserves someone who truly loves him” even though I know deep down I love him. we’ve been dating for a month and these thoughts just started occurring two weeks ago and it pushed me into a mental drought where I couldn’t eat, focus, and I lost the motivation to do a lot. it’ll get so bad where I just wish I was back to my normal happy self but then my brain questions whether I was ever truly happy or just lying. I feel like a terrible girlfriend and Ive communicated to him that I haven’t been feeling the best mentally and I’ve reminded him that if he ever wanted to end things, he has every right to but when I tell him those things, my brain immediately says that I’m just saying those things so he can break up with me so I don’t have to feel guilty about breaking up with him. But I don’t want to break up with him. I don’t know what to do anymore and it all feels so hopeless

Please tell me if I’m completely in the wrong: When u get in a fight in a relationship, there’s 2 sides and usually it’s not oh what u did was worse, it’s simply, hey that hurt me and hey that hurt me. Both parties are valid. Unless one reallly fucked up and the other didn’t at all. Me and my bf been together a year and we were on & off for 4 technically, he talked to so many girls during the “off” periods. He wanted to be single back then. He did what he wanted with no regard to me. I forgave all that cuz we never officially dated and I had my own shit too. Anyway, officially together and he hasn’t fucked up once by flirting or any of that. Or so I think. But he has spoken to people even tho he knows I don’t like it. My two biggest and ONLY boundaries are: don’t talk to any girls we’ve had issues with/new girls like that. And don’t like half naked pics of girls u know. Lol it may sound dumb but it’s HOW I FEEL. I’m not gonna change my boundaries for anyone. Maybe they’ll change one day but now? That’s what they are. So he spoke to this one girl 3 months ago just asking what bar she was at cuz it looked cool & I was upset cuz why is he even responding to her? We got into it, he wanted a break. Cuz I was accusing him of something, when I just simply was explaining hey this hurts please don’t do that. It’s a boundary. U broke it. I was in the wrong tho cuz it wasn’t cool to “accuse him” we worked it out. I changed my bad behavior going on his phone and proving it to him. I had a slip up but overall, no urges like that. Then last night. I had saw he snapped her again. But this time it was very recent. And I was very upset seeing her damn name again. I mean I asked him not to do that out of respect for me months ago. And he clearly didn’t care. And so I asked him like have u spoken to her and he said no. I asked if he’d show me proof and he got so mad he kicked me out his house. (During this time his dog had a huge accident he’s very old and it was just so bad) I thought he was finished so I asked him about it but then when I went down, he was still cleaning. I should’ve left but I couldn’t and I tried to help him but he told me to stay away from them. The fighting continued and yelling came in and he showed me their messages. He deleted what he sent her (asking what bar she was at) and she said she saw it why did he delete it and he said someone always finds out they speak and he isn’t allowed to talk to her cuz someone thinks they wanna fuck each other. And he sees nothing wrong with that. He thinks he was just telling her oh that’s why I deleted it and why I don’t talk to u. And I don’t get how he doesn’t see it that way. But u can’t force someone to see things ur way right! So after he was denying that he was in the wrong and yelling to kick me out I impulsively yelled out “im done we’re done”. He ran with that and he hasn’t given it up. So we broke up. He says me bringing it up at the time I did, with his dog, is what broke his heart & even when I explained I didn’t know he wasn’t done, it didn’t matter. And that I broke up with him & I couldn’t take that back. Even tho he has said the same to me before in the past. And I didn’t run with it. I thought we were a lot stronger to get past it in the moment but he just always wants me gone when he’s mad. I get space, but I even tried to go in the other room and talk in an hour. He said he feels hatred for me and oh yeah he was drunk when this all happened and when he drinks he’s a diff person. But he sobered up and still feels this way. And he still doesn’t see my side & thinks what I did was way worse and we’ll see if we still wanna be together in a few days. It just sucks. Cuz now I’m putting my feelings to the side cuz I fucked up more?

I feel so sick. I just had this dream with the person I'm worried I'm going to cheat on my gf with. We hugged and it felt nice and had banter in the dream but I feel so sick!! I don't want her, I want my girlfriend but even saying that doesn't feel real anymore. What if I'm in denial. I feel really really sad because I can't even tell my girlfriend. Surely this means I like the other person, it felt way too real man. And I know OCD can feel like that too but I felt nice during the dream. But I don't want her

Here for you tonight. Prayer requests from a Christian with scrupulosity. Post here and I’ll pray and respond. I’ll stay up as long as I can and answer any others in the morning. Paul

It feels so hard to live in a body. I’m always scared I’m going to get blood clots or have a stroke or a heart attack. I’m always checking my ankles for swelling, my skin for changes in tone (like if I turn yellow etc), my pulse, my veins. I just pulled my boyfriend into the bathroom to “check my veins” on my thighs because they looked bigger than they should to me…. My mind was saying they were dilated because of a clot because my left leg and arm have felt weaker off and on the past few weeks. But I feel like I get a lot of physical symptoms along with ocd and anxiety? Maybe? I don’t even know. Maybe it is real? But he showed me the veins on his thighs too and he compared them to mine and told me they looked fine. I feel so lost in this journey because I know I’m not supposed to give into compulsions and seek reassurance and he wants to help me so he will reassure me when I ask him questions to calm my compulsions. I have no idea what I should ask of him if he wants to help instead of reassurance. I try my best and every day I maybe ask him for reassurance once or twice out of the millions of times I want to ask but get through it myself. So I guess that’s something? I’m just sort of rambling and sharing now… I just feel like it’s so hard living and my head always feels spacey and I’m not sure what to ask of my loved ones to help. When I told my mother I had ocd she seemed understanding. Then just the other day I was sick and staying with her and she laughed and said “you know I’m a little ocd too, I hate germs!” And both of my parents have a very “it’s something wrong with you that you need to change” attitude my whole life and have never understood how I struggle. If I try to explain that ocd isn’t just “hating germs”, she dismissed it and gets angry and either would say something like “it was just a joke. You’re so sensitive!” Or “well how do you even really know you have ocd? Everyone is a little ocd!” So I can’t go to them. I feel like I have nobody sometimes just my boyfriend and he does an amazing job but I feel like I shouldn’t be asking him for reassurance. Just unpacking here. Not really sure how or if I’m expecting any responses I just needed to get this out to a community I know understands. If you read all this…. Thanks haha