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the NOCD Community

For the older folks on this app. I just turned 34 and have struggled with OCD since I was very little. Anxiety has been a part of my daily routine. I have never struggled with getting older until now. This past birthday was hard on me and I’m not sure why. I keep thinking about my past, reminiscing to times when I was younger. I have three young kids and so much to look forward to, but I think I may be acting a little selfish. Maybe it’s because I feel like all the major events for me are done and now it’s all about my kids. And I want it to be, but I miss being young too. Feeling kinda down about it and I don’t know how to get out of this funk.

I'm feeling really distressed today. My thoughts are now telling me that I'm bi, with preference to women. Never wanted to date one, now It's giving me urges and saying that I should act upon them. It's so convincing, it's terrifying me. I'm trying to not give them much attention, but I'm still feeling awful. I hate hocd. I wish I had an OCD specialist to talk about this.

I feel like my boyfriend may be toxic to my life. We are 27, he doesn’t know what he wants out of life. Neither do I but like he’s changed his career path, now 4 times since we’ve been together in 2 years. He just got a job but before that was jobless for 9 MONTHS. His car broke, I’ve been driving him places. I love him but idk if I’m in love with him anymore. I was honestly thinking about breaking up with him when I picked him up tonight. But then I am so attached to him and it’s like idk if that’s just Security reasons. I always feel like I would be better off with someone else. But then I get scared cause I’m going to be 28 in less than a month and I’ve spent 2 years with him, and before that didn’t have a boyfriend for FOUR YEARS. Sometimes I feel like I’m settling. It is so hard to know what you feel and what OCD is telling you. Because this may sound bad but like I’m no peach either. I have severe ocd so he does so much for me, laundry, cleaning, etc. i have type 1 diabetes and he always takes care of me that way. Idk Idk Idk.

I don’t think my boyfriend loves me anymore

I’ve been doing pretty good these past couple of weeks. But a few days ago I saw my ex driving and all the sudden thought “do I care where he’s going right now” and ever since then I’ve been obsessing and having intrusive thoughts like “what if I wanna go back to him and leave my boyfriend” and stuff like that. Keep in mind this guy was my first boyfriend in high school and I broke up with him almost a year and a half ago. I am so so in love with my current boyfriend, he makes me the happiest girl ever and I don’t think I could have a better relationship. My ex was clingy and insecure and honestly now that I look back at him, not very attractive. I have never had these thoughts about him before and they’re causing me soo much anxiety. I’ve been having panic attacks and crying constantly and I haven’t been eating. I don’t know why I feel this way, it’s like I feel like I “have “ to go back to him or something or I just get this overwhelming feeling like I maybe want him back. I’ve been tackling this so much and I just feel like I’m back to square one. When I think about being with my ex it makes me cringe and sick to my stomach so I can’t believe it’s effecting me this much. I literally keep saying in my head that I wish he was dead or that I wouldn’t care if he died. I know that’s messed up but in a way it sometimes makes me feel better but honestly just need to see a few people comment and give me their wisdom. This is so hard

I don't know if this is because of my OCD... but my thoughts will force me to make irrational/dangerous/dumb decisions. I swim in chaos and enjoy drinking too much or smoking or doing drugs just to keep other things on my mind

My OCD has swapped around in the past- primarily focused on HOCD and then I just accepted maybe I was attracted to both men and women, (men primarily, women only sexually occasionally) after I had sex with a girl - I didn’t know at the time it was OCD - and now it has focused on beastiality. I’m terrified. I hate HATE to admit this but when I was younger I let a dog lick my private area, and ever since I can’t stop thinking maybe that was because I wanted it? Even though I know deep down it was just sexual curiosity - the actual act of intimacy and not the animal, but now I get scared. In the past few years I have seen images and checked my groinal response, sometimes I can get really aroused and I feel disgusting. I love animals, I would never want to hurt them in anyway, I don’t know whether I just have a fixation on the idea of having sex that is intense - sort of like a ‘I need you now’ thing - as comes with the term ‘doggy style’ but then this just makes me think maybe it’s all rooted down to animals? I’m so honestly terrified I feel like the government will arrest me based on searches of laws and me trying to figure out if I’m attracted to animals going on forums etc. I once read an erotic literature page and it had a beastiality section, I looked at it and was repulsed but again my groinal response was different. I feel so guilty, but I can’t tell if this is my OCD or if I am actually attracted to animals. I would NEVER have sex with one, the idea repulses me, but somehow I can get aroused by the stories (not particularly the images) and I’m so stressed and upset I don’t know what to do I’m too scared to tell my therapist incase they lock me up for it and it hinders my future jobs :(

I don’t feel well my back hurts, my sugar is all over the place, I have diarrhea, and I’m having a day where I just don’t want to go to work. So I called off. But I always feel bad when I call off like I always need to assure myself I was sick. This is a mix between my mom being strange about that my whole life (as a lot of parents are in this aspect) where she would make me go to school when I was sick unless I was throwing up, or kinda guilt trip me when I called off work if she didn’t think I was sick. And also me feeling like shit 24/7, so Because of this not thinking it’s worth it to call off unless it’s super bad.

This morning I’m freaking out. It feels like I’m going crazy. My thoughts are telling me that I’m going to suffocate myself and die. And I don’t want to die but it’s almost like I have this weird impulse feeling to do it. What should I do?

If someone can please talk to me I just really need someone to talk to.. I’ve now been going through whatever this is for 6 months and it’s been the worst months of my life. I’ve made so much progress but at the moment my mind is stuck in the past and is making me feel bad for sexual things I used to do around 1/2 years ago. There was this app called hotel hideaway that I used to go on with my friends that was just people making their own avatars etc and when I was really horny I used to pretend having sex with people by typing stuff out and I used to masturbate to it..I didn’t give any personal details away etc but tbh I just feel like a weirdo for doing this. My minds like god you actually done that with random people and then my mind remembers specific details of it and makes me feel worse and worst of all is that I’m scared of how my family would react to this sort of thing.. I feel like a weirdo and I’m laying here crying my eyes out because I don’t know what todo anymore

Hey all! I just joined this app and wanted to ask for your thoughts and encouragement on something I’ve been experiencing lately. (*long post ahead*) I’ve had an OCD diagnosis for about 2 years now, along with generalized anxiety, depersonalization symptoms, and depression diagnoses since my teens (I’m 24). Been lucky to have great family and healthcare that have helped me get out of some very dark places. I’m currently on a very high dose of Prozac, a smaller dose of Wellbutrin, and have been in therapy pretty consistently since my late teens. Life is pretty good....I’m in grad school and am doing well socially and academically. I am moving out to another part of the country to do an internship for 10 weeks, starting this Friday. But with all of this great and wonderful stuff in life, I have definitely noticed my OCD getting worse, despite my meds and self care. I’ve been having more obsessive fears and doing the rituals and compulsions to soothe those fears. It’s taking up much more of my mental space than it had for the past 2 years or so. I think part of it is the big change of moving to a new place temporarily, finishing my first year of grad school, and going from being insanely busy to having a month of downtime that is just now wrapping up. I’m getting scared that things are going to get really bad again — so far I’ve been managing with mindfulness and acceptance, and reading up on tactics for managing intrusive thoughts and accompanying compulsions. But I am so afraid that things will get to be into the dark and horrible place they were in 2 years ago. My OCD has been really mild the past few years, since I started the meds, and to feel it flare up again is really REALLY distressing. It makes me scared that the meds aren’t working, or that all the thoughts and fears are real. I know this isn’t the truth, logically, but my OCD and anxiety are running with it. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this (change-related flare ups and the fears accompanied by them) and has tools to manage relapse or flare ups. Thanks in advance :) :)

I’ve been using my toilet since I’ve moved in. Dealt fairly well with it and tonight my landlady who is attached to my annexe, was saying how she used to let her grandchildren use this annexe as a play house when it was empty and now I’m freaking out about using the toilet even though I know I’ve cleaned it before and have used it no problems before. I just put nearly half a bottle of bleach over it all and I’m disappointed I gave in to ocd. But I just need to remind myself I can’t be perfect all the time, sometimes ocd will win, but I’ve got to keep fighting and not let it win all the time

Hi I’m new to this app. Just wondering if anyone has the OCD type I have. I get very anxious after I go out and have drinks (when I go out I party) and my mind tells me I do things I know I didn’t do, But keeps tricking me telling me it might have happened and I get so scared because they are so awful. I’m having a terrible couple days now, fighting with myself, just loaded with fear. I haven’t had this in years and it just came back so strong. I feel lost.

**tw; mentions of pocd and harm ocd** Sorry in advance for the long post. I feel as if I should address pocd, because talking about it to people who understand seems to help me a lot. I’ve always had OCD, however, I didn’t get this particular theme until I was 17 (I’m 19 now) and a senior in high school. Pedophilia was briefly mentioned in my psych course, and my brain went absolutely nuts telling me “what if I’m capable of being that.” Similar things have happened in my past; OCD tricked me into believing I was a murderer when I was around 7 because of crime segments on the news, and OCD later tricked me into thinking I could be a serial killer, but pocd arguably is the worst theme to have and all of you that have it are literally the strongest people alive. On top of that, I’ve only ever been attracted to older adults, yet this theme still persists. I just want to go back to the version of me that I was before I got this theme. If I had a do over in life I would have never taken that course, it straight up ruined my life. I will literally take any other theme over pocd at this point honestly. Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, you’re a very patient person lmao bless.

I have questions for those of you who have been diagnosed! 1) how did it feel for you when you started telling your friends about your diagnosis? Did you tell your friends and family at all? 2) Before your diagnosis, how did you feel about going to talk to a therapist or a specialist for the first time? Your answers are only for my reference and further understanding! Thank you.

How do you know it’s ROCD versus falling out of love?

When I’m uncertain about something, my mind always convinces myself that the worst case is true. I don’t have peace of mind or can’t carry on calmly unless I have reassurance. I have no money for therapy right now and feel weird opening up to loved ones about certain triggers so bearing these thoughts all to myself is so exhausting. I’m not sure what’s right and wrong, what I should worry about and what I shouldn’t. I can’t just decide to let something go and live with the uncertainty. It’s especially difficult with real event, pure o ocd.

POCD TW. Need some help. So, I’ve been struggling with what I hope is POCD since October. I’m a lot better now, but some days are still a huge struggle. I’ve never really had any groinal movements at all, which I found weird but was happy about it. But today, a kid at my job leaned against me and it made me kind of anxious, and then out of nowhere I felt something down there. And it was kind of a lot, I instantly felt awful. And have been ruminating since. I hated every second of it. It feels like every step forward I take something new happens to send me back. Not sure if this just proves I am what I fear, or I’m in denial. Or what. I’m just scared.

The depersonalization and existenial ocd is real today. I literally feel so anxious and confused. Life feels fake everything seems fake i get this thought that everyone in world is a product of my own mind and i start to believe it and feels so real... then it attacks my suicidal ocd because i think well if its fake then whats the big deal to kill myself.. i feel like im in a video game or something typing this i think whats the point everyone else is fake anyway. I also get this thought when i dont feel it that im just a robot like blacked out because when i have dpdr im so hyper aware and when i dont have it and am just going about my day im not hyper aware and it scares me... its like im afraid either way...

If you have some kind of OCD like POCD or HOCD, isn't it true that if you have this disorder , you're the opposite of what your ocd tells you? Like if you have POCD thoughts, you're scared that you might turn into a pedophile, but you won't. I'm not trying to look for reassurance, but I want to know more about the disorder I probably have.