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every so often i wonder if i should pursue looking into an autism diagnosis until i manage to convince myself out of it but here i am wondering again (not in the frantic ocd spiral way, but in the “it would really make sense” way). now the points against it are that no one in my family really wants to admit that i can have it because i’m pretty high-functioning and adept at navigating most social situations, but i think that’s because of their biases or misconceptions about autism. my sister is the only one who thinks i have it and she’s the one who got me seriously considering it. however, if i did have it, i think it would be pretty mild, even if it would explain a lot. if anyone reading this has autism, please let me know what you think i should do or if it’s something worth pursuing: reasons i think i have it: 1. i was extremely hyper-sensitive and overstimulated as a child. my mom says that i constantly cried myself hoarse as a baby, despite her not understanding why. 2. i walked on my tiptoes until i was 6 years old. i don’t know why but i had to train myself out of it. my mom actually got me tested for autism because of this but the doctor said that because i was meeting my milestones there was no way i could be. 3. to this day, i have a hard time maintaining eye contact. my natural instinct is to look away when speaking to people, but i know it’s rude so i force myself to look into their eyes. my hyper-awareness of this can get pretty exhausting so i hate it. making eye contact is never natural for me though. i have to actively do it but i slip a lot. 4. i prefer being alone. i have friends but i can go days or even a week without speaking to anyone. my favorite person to be with is myself, which everyone thinks is very weird. i wouldn’t call myself a recluse, but other people would. my family hates it and calls it unhealthy even though i feel fine. 5. i can navigate social situations but it’s exhausting for me. i constantly have to think of things to add to the conversation to sound “natural” and if i can’t think of anything, i stay silent, which i know is uncomfortable but i don’t know what else to do in the moment. my social battery also runs out quickly and i can be mute for the rest of the day if i get tired enough. my family also hates this because it’s rude. 6. i’m called rude a lot even though i don’t know why. i try to be very polite and most of the time i’m successful, but sometimes i say things in a conversation that makes my family lecture me after. it’s very draining and it makes me not want to speak. i usually cry after these moments because i don’t know what i’m doing wrong or how to avoid it. keep in mind, i never insult people, i never name-call or point out any flaws in what someone is saying or how they look. it’s just things i say that are considered “weird” or rough which are then interpreted as rude. 7. i hyperfixate. i don’t know if it’s the ocd brain or the possible autism but i’m typically very bored if i’m not hyperfixated on anything. i remember learning to tone this down when i got obsessed with star wars and constantly talked about it to my dad which caused him to say “you know we can talk about other things right?” i never talked to him about star wars again. 8. i’m very very routine oriented. i eat the same breakfast everyday, which can go on for years until i get tired of it and choose something else. it’s a running joke in my family. 9. if my routine is disrupted, i don’t get emotionally upset, but i’ll avoid doing whatever i should do because i don’t have what i normally want. in the breakfast case, if i don’t have the usual butter to cook with my eggs, i won’t eat because it doesn’t taste the same. i don’t do it to be stubborn. i just can’t find it in myself to eat. i think that’s everything! sorry for the long post i’m just very curious and this has been weighing on my mind. lmk what you guys think! also i want to be clear that i’m NOT self-diagnosing just as i didn’t self-diagnose when i thought i could have ocd (which i did), i just wanted to gather these facts to gain possible insight if it could be true so i could be diagnosed. thanks!

Does anybody else have auditory hallucinations while falling asleep? I’m not really sure what brings this on but I have them from time to time. Tonight I came home stressed out from work so maybe stress is a factor but sometimes when I’m extremely tired or about to doze off I hear voices or noises when falling asleep. They are very random kind of like just hearing noise when you’re walking down a busy street and hear peoples conversations. When it first started I was going through postpartum anxiety and OCD and I thought I was going “crazy” or schizophrenic and it caused me a huge amount of stress. I had a therapist explain to me that it was just auditory hallucinations and I should be fine. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this?

I was having a good couple of days then my harm ocd came back. But it was more of self harm instead this time 😭 it feels real, I don’t want it to be but I’ve been doing erp and the anxiety is down with it and I almost don’t have that panic anxiety about it just kind of a deep bothersome feeling when I have the those thoughts. Is this OCD? Or is it normal what’s the next steps?

I can’t just enjoy my life. I’m seeing this guy who is younger than me. I’m a 21 yo female and he’s an 18 yo male. He’s 19 in a month not that that matters in anyway. So, we’ve been talking a couple months, only recently started seeing wa Ito her in person and we haven’t had sex yet. I didn’t want to rush it because usually I do with guys I’m seeing and then it falls apart. But, my main issue is I can’t stop thinking that it’s wrong of me to be seeing him because of our age. Everyone keeps saying to me “no there’s nothing wrong with that” and I even have 2 friends (one who is older than me) who have both been with an 18 yo and who is with one now. I just can’t stop thinking about people going “that’s a hit paedophilic” or “he’s literally a child” when he’s not and it’s not! He’s not a child he’s an adult, right? I know he’s younger but it’s only 3 years it’s not like I’m 35! Idk I just I want to like him and start something with him but all I see are people who I want in my life judging me. Even though idk if they would. But, idk I’m scared. We are also both on very similar paths. He’s got a full time job and I’m finishing uni about to start my full time job. We both live at home but want to move. He doesn’t fancy uni at all so never went, if he did though he’d be first year so we are on the same path! He’s also one of the most mature guys I’ve been with. Everything about him is mature enough to me, I’ve known guys who just fuck around and think it’s okay to act certain ways towards women, he has nothing but respect for me. So really, is there anything wrong with it? I’m scared for people’s answers but idk I’m thinking there isn’t everyone I know has said there isn’t

Does anyone else experience arguments in their head when it comes to their thoughts? I find that I'm constantly going back and forth when I have compulsions, where two sides of my brain will argue with each other. I may argue "logically" against the fears I may have, but then I'll remember some past event or something I've done in the past that will lead me to believe otherwise. It's a chaotic cycle I'm trying to deal with, but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this/has ideas pertaining to getting out of it? It really messes with my head after a while, because I feel like the side of my brain that is telling me I'm a bad person almost always wins. Every time I try to reassure myself by addressing the fact that my thoughts are unwanted and irrational, I feel like more rational proof of me being a terrible person comes rushing into my head.

Lately I have been dealing with what I think is relationship OCD and I’m feeling so confused and scared. I was diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago and I’m taking Prozac for it which I recently went up in dose with about 2 weeks ago. I have been with my fiancé for about 6 years and she has been my biggest supporter, especially with OCD. We have both had a rough 2023 so far for separate reasons outside of our relationship and have had some relationship challenges because of this. I know some, if not most is my own struggles with OCD. This year I have also met a girl in my grad school program and we’ve become quick and close friends. We’re very similar and I do find her attractive. I’ve been struggling with obsessions related to her (my friend) for a while now and the last few weeks it has become crippling. It’s all I think about and I even dream about it. The questions that are constantly circling around my head are: Do I connect more with her than my fiancé? Am I unhappy in my relationship? Will I be happier in a relationship with her? Am I a bad person for sometimes enjoying hanging out with her more than my fiancé? I have been so confused whether I actually have feelings for her past friendship or if I’m just being convinced by my OCD. What if I convince myself that it is the OCD and I lose the opportunity at being truly happy? I don’t know what I actually feel and I feel so scared and confused. I’m not sure if someone has had a similar experience or not but I wanted to try and post here because I’m very unsure what to do.

Is anyone else sick of people invalidating mental illness? My husband and my parents keep telling me to be positive. My friends say to take walks. As if it were that easy. I feel like I am trying everything I can and I’m not getting better. I can’t just decide not to feel this way anymore, and comments like that don’t feel supportive. They only make me feel worse.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year coming this May. I have never had feelings for someone like this and I genuinely see myself living the rest of my life with him. Talking to him comes effortlessly. He sees me for all that I am and works with me. My family has already begun developing a connection with him as well as I have with his family. I’ve never felt so at home until meeting him. Lately my ROCD symptoms have been playing on the narrative of him either finding a new girl that interests him and is somehow “better” than me OR me ruining our relationship because of potential cheating I have absolutely no actual interest in cheating because I know he’s my person and so am his. I know I’m going to marry him and I know that I want him to be the father of my kids. I want to see him grow and I want to build a foundation of unconditional love with him. So why do I shame myself? There’s this shop that him and I go to quite frequently, and the last time we went an employer that we typically see every-time we come began talking to me personally. We were all just talking about movies but my boyfriend mentioned that he felt like he was flirting with me. I begun feeling bad like I was doing something wrong. My mind started telling me that I liked having him “flirt” with me and that it made me feel desirable and confident in knowing that I was still considered attractive. I’m scared because now everytime we go the employee seems to be staring at me and when I went today he actually gave me something for free which led to me thinking I was playing into the flirting narrative and that this would lead to something worse (Though I still have no interest in doing so, just anxiety about that happening is the best way to put it) Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is there any advice that can be given? I don’t think anything’s going to happen, but what If I do like knowing someone likes me even if it’s not reciprocated? Does that make me a cheater? Or is that the product of unresolved self worth issues?

Does anyone go through almost an anxiety attack when the person doesn’t text you? He got out an hour ago but hasn’t texted me and yes we’re new to seeing each other but I hate that my brain goes crazy. I have abandonment issues and also I think the worst if they’re ok or not. It almost makes me not want to date at all. Maybe I need to communicate this to my partner

I feel like for every and any treatment they want me to be in a better place or be more stable to handle to stress to get the help I need. To move back in with my parents and stop living in my car my parents need me to just stop doing OCDs. Bc “ we can’t feed your OCD “. But letting me live in a car in there driveway at 21 isn’t feeding it? Doctors demand to see me in person when I haven’t been in the same room as another person in almost a year out of fear of there germs. I’ve tried ERP, I’ve done all the therapy’s, all it seems to do is put me in a worse place when they tell me that they can’t help me or that there’s no hope and quit on me. It’s been 14 years. Everything I do is a compulsion or reaction to my OCD. Everyday I form a new habit or thought habit to make it feel safe. I only eat one thing and just stop functioning when I hit this last wall the hardest. Everyone says when you hit rock bottom you can only go up, but I bring a damn shove with me. I guess my point is what is the point? Why do I keep trying and keep failing? Why can’t everyone just except that is it for me? I’ll never have a job or function, just let me be able to live outside a car. Or try to help me were I’m at rather then fighting me and making me feel like shit for not being in a better place for “ except “ the “ help” . I’m just defeated.

Hi guys Does anyone get intrusive thought like “you’re going to get intrusive thought every time you see this” and then it happens but not all the time.

Why does this feel so real? It feels like since the thoughts came back and I accepted the thoughts and now they are hardly ever there, but it feels like I've accepted it? Like I've accepted being gay? I still got anxiety but mostly when I wake up after a sleep or a nap. Please tell me there are others who feel like they've been convinced? I don't want to lose my fiance. I really don't.

Hey guys I tried weed for the first time last night and I was so scared I’d hurt someone because I felt like I was dreaming and in a lot of my dreams I hurt someone without acknowledging it or even caring. I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt this? I’m scared to ever have “fun” I never do these things and I just wanted to try it but now I’m scared I’ll never be able to do things like this again because I’m scared I’ll lose myself and hurt someone! Please respond!

I have been offered another childcare job which makes me so happy, I love kids and working with them is so special and I want to do it… but I’m extremely scared because of my POCD. Sometimes my my intrusive thoughts can focus on really specific things which makes it even worse :(( I love childcare and have been told I have a real talent for it. I’ve been told that I’m really good and even had some kids who weren’t very social with staff be social with me and loved being with me!! I loved working in childcare too because I could bring out and heal my inner child, I could be creative, it’s an amazing job. I’m just so terrified that my POCD will ruin it, especially since my intrusive thoughts can be so specific and detailed, I get extremely sick and nervous and I feel such shame and guilt, I also come home and beat myself up about it, I try and focus on other things which can work but then the intrusive thoughts just come back and I start to panic all over again. I just have no idea what to do :(( I also want to talk to a therapist on here but unfortunately can’t because I don’t live in America :(( is there another way I can get in contact with someone?!

Before severe OCD, I was motivated, happy and had lots of energy and got heaps done and OCD was just in the background, it was there but I could still live life. Then a few years Back, something triggered a major major spike and I was constantly ruminating, doing compulsions and felt extremely anxious 24/7 and just wished things could go back to the way they were. As the years progressed, I got more used to the high stress levels but my tiredness drastically increased and my motivation went down and it got to the point where the slightest stressor, ocd related or not would send me into this downward spiral of depression, anxiety and compulsions and it just kept getting worse and worse until I was just done with everything and couldn’t take it anymore. I started meditation and proper therapy which has helped but it’s not gone and I even developed anorexia on top of it. Sorry if this is triggering. I guess my question is, is it possible to get that motivation and stress free life back? Can your energy levels and productivity levels ever go back and If so, how long does it take? I just want to get back to a point where stress doesn’t affect me so much and I wasn’t ruminating over irrelevant things or engaging in compulsions all the time. I just want my energy, motivation and productivity back cause I’m still sort of struggling to get by especially with school.

i want to know to be able to move on😣 it's so horrible keeping me in the anxiety loop i've tried asking my siblings and they all can't remember so it can't of been anything bad but my mind won't let me move past untill i know 😣

My post from yesterday says Joke time. I asked you to post your favorite jokes. I posted 3 jokes. Nobody even responded, let alone took time to think about something funny. Only Pennyroyal responded. Is there really nothing else left for us in life but persistent anxiety, worry, doubt, compulsions just because we have ocd? This community is here for us to share experiences, express our worries, moods, feelings, thoughts. It is great, life-saving even. But if you think about it, after reading about all the pain and sorrow people with ocd are experiencing, I get scared, sad, demoralized with the world. It's like living in hell on earth. We need motivation. We need relaxation. Meds can help. ERP can help, compassion therapy as well. But they do not always help. Not for every person with ocd. So l thought we might want to help them by thinking of more pleasant things in life. Every second of each day I am super aware that I have ocd. It doesn't let me forget. Each second of every day I know how much I've lost because of OCD. I've had it since 1987. That's a looooong time. I have ruined a lot in my life because I did everything ocd told me to:to worry, to feel unsafe, insecure, unloved, lonely, to not trust anyone but mostly not myself,... It is bad when OCD is the only one who sticks with you, your only friend, your only family member, the only one who tells you it loves you. Once you've realized that your only friend is a liar and a sadist you are at the bottom of a barrel. Two days ago I was thinking about how much easier it would be if I just ended my life. Right then. And believe you me, I have all the pills I need to do that right here at my arm's reach. But I don't want to. I love life, but don't know how to go on. I asked for someone to just say sth nice about life, to say chin up, or just say that they understand because they've been there, but it passes. I got no response. So I waited and waited for depression to get less intense. When it did I decided to try and bring some joy, laughter, relaxation in our lives. I posted 3 jokes and I asked you to do the same. Even a short knock knock joke would do. Nothing. I am not going to read anything in NOCD community for a few days. I need time off from suffering, sadness, pain. There's a lot of that here. Since we can't make it go away, we can try to soften it and try to prevent it. I don't have the possibility or the money to afford ERP. But relaxation, a walk in the nature, playing with pets,... and laughing don't cost anything, do not take anything from us, they just give and give. And they give the opposite of what ocd gives. Is it so hard to laugh? So hard to even just read a joke and like it. To respond obviously takes too much time away from worrying and daubting and eating yourself alive. It will make me happy if I see at least some response from you, a joke, a funny true story, anything when I log in next time. If not, I will delite it all and give NOCD community a break for a while. We are here to share experience and hardship, but also to support each other. Kind words can help, advice as well, but when you log out, you are still alone with your ocd, and thinking about a funny story or a joke that you've just read, can linger with you for a while and make you feel nore relaxed. I have never decided to have ocd. I didn't choose it. It chose me. I am not going to help it. I am going to fight it with all there is out there and has the slightest possibility to help. Have a beautiful day. Smile. Tell a joke, read a joke. Life is to short to focus on worrying constantly. We do that anyway. Just don't give it extra power. Love to all.

Feeling guilty about exaggerating. I have a strong urge to confess and "punish" myself. I currently struggle with TMJD, and I'm pretty sure it's interfering with my sleep at night. I know I need to get the TMJD treated and am in the process of doing that. Sometimes my jaw will lock up at night. And sometimes I'll have spasms and a little bit of pain. My jaw is also pulled to the left. I told my mom that the spasms were really bad, and the pain was really bad too, which might have been an exaggeration, but regardless, I know the TMJD is affecting me at night. My OCD is telling me since I exaggerated, that I need to put soap in my CPAP machine at night. It doesn't make any sense and I'm trying to figure out how to get past this. I'm trying to rationale why confessing wouldn't be helpful. It doesn't make sense, but it's really bothering me. Any tips/recommendations to help me rationalize so I can get past this? I think if I did confess to my mom that I exaggerated about the pain/spasms, she would be mad at me & maybe wouldn't help with further TMJD treatment.

Preamble- what was meant to be a quick description of an OCD relapse became a long post on how it has effected me over the years. Forgive me, but it felt right as I was typing it. I remember my first episode almost 30 years ago, I was hanging with my best bud watching Kill Bill volume 2. Out of nowhere the image using my knife on him popped into my head. Guilt driven I swore off all violent media because it was what I was watching when it happened. I dug a hole threw my knife in it and tried to only be positive, even moved hoping a change of scenery would help. The condition only got worse. No matter how much I tried to avoid anything triggering the thoughts would come. I sought help from a local therapist but she was completely blown away at the concept of what was going on in my head. She listened to me and gave me some prescription drugs to try to help. They didn’t work. Eventually online research led me to people describing ‘pure O’. Knowing others were fighting the same fight was heartening and heartbreaking. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Many people described how they dealt with it which was accepting it. Let the thoughts flow and accept them. Coincidentally my buddy (from the original trigger moment) sent me copies of Fallout 3, Dragon Age, inquisition, and Call of Duty MW2. I didn’t want to play them at all at first. No violent media after all, but he kept asking me if I played them. I broke down and started playing Dragon Age and Fallout as I thought them being a fantasy game and unrealistic I could get by. I got lost in Fallout, doing every side mission, leveling up, and collecting all the Easter eggs in the game. The deaths of the characters, which often left them as piles of meat, didn’t trigger me. I still suffered the OCD, but while I was playing I didn’t know it existed. Fueled by the relief I got from Fallout and the advice from my research, I moved onto CoD MW2. The game has an infamous mission which lets you attack civilians. I didn’t, but something about it made my violent thoughts feel silly and ridiculous. I started playing multiplayer with my nephews. One was too damn good at the game. It was nearly impossible to win a game against him and he’d level up before I could and would get the best perks (abilities) and guns before me. The little snot even perfected denying kills (points) to me by equipping Last Stand, an ability that lets you fight after someone ’kills’ you, and blowing himself up with a frag grenade. Soon enough I was going days without a triggering experience. A thought would pop up and I’d laugh it off. 13 years later I was in a happy place. I have a good well paying job. Great co workers, and I vicariously get the satisfaction of family through my brother’s family. Two weeks ago I had a bloody image in my head of hitting someone from behind with a pairing knife. It was the most violent thought I had in years. I tried to laugh it off and move on, but I found that impossible. I’ve been ruminating about it off and on since. Sometimes acquiring peace of mind only to think ‘I wish those thought would go away altogether’ and have them crashing back in. I’ve gone to dark places in the past few weeks that I never have been before. Even playing the games I credit for my peace don’t give me the relief they used to. I find myself wondering if anyone has had a similar relapse and how they’ve recovered from it.

I had been pushing myself repeatedly with ERP. I wanted to get better so bad that I worked myself into a depression of feeling like all I was was my OCD. I wanted to try to fix it so I just kept trying harder. I’ve done about 10 percent of the amount of ERP I used to do and I feel happier, have decreased thoughts. I don’t understand why I feel better doing less ERP. It doesn’t make sense, but in a way - I wonder if doing ERP became compulsive like- I need to do this to get better or to make it get less anxiety provoking. Does that make sense ?