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the NOCD Community

For anyone with SO-OCD, this gay pride month is THE time to do ERP. Triggers coming out of the woodwork right now.

Hi everyone. I’ve been doing really well for the past 3 weeks or so. I’ve been doing a lot of ERP and I’ve been utilizing my tools well. I’ve felt amazing- I’ve had very few intrusive thoughts, and when I do I’m able to shake them off easier than in the past. A couple of days ago I got really triggered (I don’t even remember what the trigger was), and I’ve been an anxious mess ever since. I’ve been dealing with SO OCD for about a year and a half now, and every time I have a good stretch and then a “fall down” it makes me realize just how chronic OCD is (and makes me wonder if I’ll ever recover). I’m convinced that I’m not straight, and while I am doing a good job not trying to figure it out or ruminate about it, it makes me sad. All I want is to exclusively love and be attracted to women, but maybe that isn’t my story. Remembering what it was like to feel confident in your sexuality and be attracted to people you wanted to be attracted to makes me sad, as I don’t know if I’ll ever get there again. I struggle with logical fallacies such as “you acknowledged that man is attractive so you must be attracted to him; therefore, you aren’t straight.” I know this isn’t necessarily true, but I’m my OCD makes it feel like a certainty. I guess I’m just posting today to let everyone else know that you aren’t alone. OCD will make you believe anything. And while I’m not sure if the thoughts are correct in this moment, I’m just going to keep utilizing my tools- because that’s the only thing that gives me a chance of feeling like myself again. I’m glad we have this community. You’ve got this.

To bring some positivity in: what is something everyone has done this week that they are proud of? I would love to hear! Please share whatever you are comfortable with!

These past couple of days my OCD has taken a complete change of theme. I’m constantly questioning whether I actually love my son, do I actually want him? Do I enjoy spending time with him? Why don’t I miss him when I’m away from him? It’s killing me, I’m just constantly crying because I’m so worried that I might not love him and what sort of a mum would that make me. I’m trying to the ERP ‘maybe I do love him, maybe I don’t’ but it’s so tough because I don’t want it to become true that I don’t

I’ve learn to stop obsessing over unwanted thoughts/feelings. Which has really been nice. I don’t have panic attacks everyday now. Thanks to NOCD. I’ve learned to stop overthinking and engaging/arguing with thoughts. BUT. The intrusive thoughts are getting even more graphic/gross and more frequent, although im trying my best to not argue or engage with them, they’re so sickening and horrifying. I mean i Can simply see someone grabbing something or walking and I’ll have a sexual intrusive thought. It’s always sexual. That’s a very popular theme within my intrusive thoughts. And although they’re intrusive they feel sometimes like it’s me thinking them. But I know I’d never want to think/do such disgusting things. It’s crazy how creative intrusive thoughts get too. Like seriously. It’s insane. I just came here wondering if anyone has any tips on helping to at least somewhat calm the intrusive thoughts or make it so they aren’t so loud , it’d be really appreciated!

Does anyone here experience transgender OCD? It’s been my main theme for 2 years and with that I get HOCD (worrying that I’m a gay man). I identify as a bisexual woman and these thoughts have been so distressing to me. They feel so real. I’d really love to connect with people who are going through this.

Does anyone else ever feel like if they get “cured” of OCD or get therapy to learn how to cope and you end up getting better, that you’ll no longer be “allowed” to label yourself as having OCD and you’ll no longer be yourself? I some times get these intrusive thoughts that if I were to ever stop feeling OCD thoughts and acting on them, I’ll no longer be a person who has OCD and I’ll be a poser. If I notice that one of my “ticks” I guess you could call them goes away, I feel guilty and weird like as if I’m no longer part of the group of people who have OCD. Having OCD is a big part of me and I guess I just feel like I wouldn’t be myself anymore. This is also a big reason why therapy is so hard for me :(

It’s been only a day since I received an OCD diagnosis. Several days since the episode that caused me to seek help began. Already I’m so fucking exhausted. This isn’t my first episode—they come and go and I used to think it was just anxiety—but it just feels like my brain isn’t mine. I’ve been super dissociated for several days. I’m so in my head, I have tunnel vision. I’m over-analyzing every single thought. I’m scared I’ll never feel like myself again and I’m scared no one has obsessions as weirdly specific and as shameful as mine. I just want my brain back!!

To those who have ROCD and are having breakup urges, please know that it may not provide any relief. This past weekend, after compulsively venting to my dad and best friend about my almost one year long LDR, they quickly ascertained and advised that I dump her. In the moment of “clarity” I decided to do exactly that and made my decision, all the while confirming from my dad and friend that I was doing the right thing, which they really pushed. I called the next day and I broke it off, not feeling sure if I was doing the “right” thing. I shattered her heart and watched her beg for us to work through our issues (which we definitely have). I doubled down and forced myself to believe I’d done the right thing. I cried as much as she did and wished her a happy life. I then vented to my friends about the troubles of the relationship and intently listened to see if they also approved, which all friends will when you express unhappiness. The next day, my ROCD instead fixated on if I had done the right thing, if I made a mistake, etc etc. I saw pictures of her, I looked at my ring on my hand, imagined the heartbreak I had caused, and the anxiety came rushing back. Sadness, guilt, panic, and nostalgia came full force. Luckily, she’s been open this whole time to reconciling and discussing what went wrong and repairing our relationship. After taking some days, I’ve decided to talk to her tomorrow and I’m cautiously optimistic we’ll be able to repair. What I’d like to express is that no matter what you do, break up or stay together, you may still not find clarity. Even now, as I believe I’d like to get back together, I don’t have clarity. I check and recheck my feelings still and have been compulsively watching and listening to ROCD resources and checking subreddits about ROCD and relationships. Trust me, if you have this condition, there’s no easy way out of it. At this point, I’m acting on my values. I value working through issues, I value teamwork and patience, I value growth, I value accepting imperfections and overcoming my trials and tributes. I believe I love my girlfriend, and I’d like to believe love is a choice as well, and choosing to love may mean choosing to repair and choosing to be patient. By no means is my relationship easy, we’re both anxious people, we’re 3,000 miles apart, the visa laws prevent her from coming to me, and my job makes it difficult to go to her more than 2-3x per year. I have no idea how this will work out but learning how to handle uncertainty, choose love, work through issues, and reclaim my life again are things I want to do. To those struggling with relationship anxiety/ROCD, you’re not alone.

It controls my whole life. I mean it dictates everything I do. I want to be able to come home from work and sit down and relax instead of focusing on everything that still needs to be done before I go to bed. Because right now, the only time I sit down is to eat my dinner. I dont even take breaks or lunch at work because Im so scared I wont get everything done and I cant leave and I mean my OCD wont let me leave until I have done everything. Can you imagine working in a pet hotel with OCD? It’s exhausting and it feels like something always needs done, which normally it does. There is always something that needs to be done in a pet hotel and you cant be done for the day until it is. This is a pic of me wearing my Superman tank top because thats who I feel like I need to be all the time. I also have Iron Man and Supergirl…

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on with me the last couple days like if I have depression or just depressive symptoms because of ocd or what it is because even when I’m calm it’s like I am not satisfied or get scared that I’ll never be happy, and I’ve been saying it’s because I’m so hyperaware of the fact that I am alive and the more I think about it that’s exactly what it is. The existential crisis that comes with this is awful. Like no matter what I do I’m hyper aware of the fact that I’m living and that that can stop at any moment, and I have thanatophobia and suicidal ocd so of course that scares me even more when I think I’ll lose control and hurt myself (I struggle with the inevitability of death and how even if you do everything right a long life isn’t garunteed). I’m aware of the fact that I’m on my phone, and that it’s just a phone blah blah and even other peoples existence. Is anyone else hyperaware of their existence and the fact they that are going through a hard time/miserable while being alive?

I am terribly upset. So much so, I can hardly breathe. I see my psychiatrist 1x a month or once in a month and a half. I have been on Zoloft for 7 months now. I am on 100mg. The OCD effective dosage is 200mg. Already I am dealing with such side effects that I am almost not functional. I have told the psychiatrist over and over about the problems with side effects, but she does nothing. She just hears that my anxiety is better and ocd not as terrible as it was before. When I tell her that, she refuses to hear, that I am far from being ok as far as ocd is concerned, she just hears the part that I am better. A little better yes, but not nearly there where I was expected to be after 7 months and the side effects are monsters. After my last visit to her a month ago I did not get her report and a new date. Since the next visit should be next week and I still didn't have the date, I sent an email to her nurse. No direct reply by mail, although that is the usual way. I have just received a short text message, that my next date with her is on the 7th of August 23 at 9.30h a.m. IN 2 AND ALMOST A HALF MONTHS FROM TODAY, ALTOGETHER 3 AND A HALF MONTHS SINCE MY PREVIOUS MEETING. In between, I have no contact with her, no support, nothing. So she plans to keep me on Zoloft at the same dosage for at least 2 and a half more months. Side effects = she couldn't care less. I can't go on like that. I spend more time dealing with side effects than with ocd. In a way that sounds good, but it isn't When you are unable to move and ocd tells you you are worthless, you will never get the help I am seeking, that no one cares about me and that ocd is my only true friend and protector, it is hell. I am sitting here, alone, shaking, trembling. I am on the brink of tears. I want to get better. I ask for help. I don't get any. Is that it? Is that all I can expect from life? I have no support system. It is soooo hard. Erp is not available to me. How do I react? I gave her personal e-mail address and I plan to write to her and her nurse. But I am so upset, that I do not know what to write, how to approach it. I usually end up apologizing to other people even though they hurt me and I do nothing to hurt them. I don't know how to stand up for myself. If I insist on sth, they look at me as if I were crazy( at the doctor's), do I give up. Please help me. I can't just sit and throw my life away from 1 meeting with her to another, especially since the time in between is not 1 month anymore, but 3,5 months. I am so desperate. Feel so lonely. I almost feel cursed. Why the h_ _ _ can't I get any medical help for anything? Not even for iron deficiency or high blood pressure. I have decided to go for a short, 15-20min walk now to calm down and to clear my thoughts and emotions at least a bit. When I come home, I have to write her an email. I would be SO GRATEFUL for any advice or suggestion from any of you dear people out there. I have no family, no friends. I only have a husband and 3 cats. My husband is at the moment far away, so it's me and my feline kids. I have no one to ask for advice. Yet I feel so upset I have serious trouble breathing, calming down. Please, any advice. I will be so thankful. I will keep each and everyone in my prayers. I am the kind of person who would if God asked me, who do I want he cures from ocd, me or you, I would choose you. Noone has ever in life chosen me. Maybe I am worthless. I've been told that all my life ( my parents, sister, relatives, friends,....). I have lived without them for more than half of my life. I have noone. Uhhh. I need to wash my face and then I just need to go out. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. My love to you all.

Sometimes I look at my bf of 1 yr and 6 months, and I question if I'm attracted to him physically, which then makes me question if I'm in love with him. Sometimes I look at him and think he is cute and there is a level of attraction. Our relationship is so much more than that though. Our values align and we are emotionally connected. He makes me feel so loved and adored. Then I feel guilty and ask myself if I love and adore him as much as he does me. We have talked about marriage in the future. We are both in our late 30s and have never been married to anyone nor do either of us have kids. We both desire kids and have shared interests for the future. But the attraction thing where I feel it and then don't and then get confused about my love for him, is really scaring me. Does anyone know if this could be ROCD or Relationship anxiety?

Hello. I have a long story that has lasted for over a year. Instead of delving into the whole story, I’ll sum it up. I have had intrusive thoughts/ obsessions about Satan. I have a constant fear that he took my family away about a year ago and replaced them with clones. Or, perhaps he hasn’t replaced people, but the angels of Satan have been around me all my life just waiting for this moment to arrive. I have signs of it daily (yes, daily), but I can’t talk to anyone about it, including my wife. I just want the disorder or delusions to stop. Yes, I know it sounds like I’m the lead actor in a movie with a crazy plot, but my therapist thinks my obsession with Satan is due to OCD. Admittedly, I can’t think of anything else. Has anyone ever heard of this kind of OCD or what to do to cope with it? Thanks for listening.

Hi fellow OCD warriors ! Just want to share something that both makes me proud and scares me tremendously… yesterday I did a successful ERP session on my own which made me so proud! However, I started having intrusive thought and then anxiety about something that I wasn’t so afraid of before! The feeling was so strong it made me panic. Till today I am still sitting in anxiety and regret ( regretted that I did the other exposure). I am well aware that I am on the right path and this is the right thing to do but I am just so scared. My OCD is false memory and harm themed. So basically I was wondering whether I hurt myself and forgot about it. I am sitting here feeling scared. What if I hurt myself? Not sure what to do.

my intrusive thoughts are currently about being able to talk to yourself & think im and afraid of it, like i don’t know, it’s very weird and i can’t make sense of it myself. just the fact that you can think of anything and you can imagine anything is my worst fear and the more you try not to think of something the more you think of it. It feels like having two minds? i don’t know it feels like there’s some being in my head that’s not me, but it’s my own inner voice? and i’m not talking about ocd in the conventional sense, like how people describe it as being a bully in their head, it’s just i’m afraid of my or my brains ability to think of something when i don’t want to think about it and feeling powerless. I don’t know if it’s ocd, at first i thought the voice in my head/ *feeling* like there’s some higher power in my head was schizophrenia, but it’s more like i’m scaring myself? but why would i do that to myself? I don’t get it, feels like nobody does, how am i supposed to do erp for this when i don’t even how to make sense of it. can anybody help at all?

Starting to get really scared with my real event/ false memory/ whatever this is. My mind is telling me it has to be true as there is real details to it , real objects and scenery. It tells me I’m the only exception here and that mine is not ocd. It bullies me every day asking me how there’s real details. There’s real details , false details mixed it’s all jumbled in my head. I really don’t know what’s real at this point. I don’t know if im suffering from real event ocd or if i just got unlucky guessing what objects were around but i know I didn’t harm anyone no matter how accurate my guessing is.

Can ocd make you think your suicidal? I then try justify why i dont want to kill myself Eg my daughter would be so unhappy with out me! Then my ocd was like “its okay take her with u” Omg so freaked out Now my thoughts keep telling me im planning on doing this or giving me ideas on how to do it to both of us! Please advice im so scared im actually planning this now as the images and ideas are so vivid. Will it convince me? Im afraid i will get suicidal off this pain and actually then do it as already depressed. Do i need more then ocd help

Hi everyone! I just wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that I did about something related to SO-OCD… I’m finally discovering that I might have this sub genre of OCD and have had it for a very long time. I have always felt awkward around other women especially in more intimate situations (like changing in the same room, laying in bed together or giving compliments about looks). All of this hit me like a ton of bricks when I got into a relationship with my boyfriend 2 years ago and our sex life started to decline after about 9 months of us being together. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and I obsess over finding out why I have grown not attracted to him sexually. Am I a lesbian? Am I just depressed? Am I falling out of love with him? Was I ever in love with him? The list goes on and my obsession with it grows stronger. I’m so scared I will have to break up with him because I do love him and love spending time with him. I’m scared to start ERP therapy because I’m worried I’ll realize that it’s best to just let him go 😭

I have been in therapy since the end of January and I have made so much improvement since then. I would have never thought that in four months I have made as much improvement as I have. Recently I took a medication for a skin condition that messed with my hormones and set me back a bit but with all of the tools and knowledge I have gained I’m so proud that I was able to come back from that. My main themes are about being in the perfect relationship, questioning love, and over all black and white thinking. It’s still hard because the thoughts are still there and I have an anxious gut feeling a lot throughout the day but I know it will only get better from here. Please don’t give up on trying to heal yourself, it is so worth it. ROCD is not about your partner, it’s about you.