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I just think it's real at this point

Mornings are usually the worst for me. Today Im supposed to meet a person who Im getting to know (in my house) and the harm thoughts were unbearable in bed. It seems like i purposely want to think about it. And it is a horrible thought about killing. And then I start rrading Reddit and other posts. I start to imagine scenarios where I think “today is the day you do it” and I can see myself doing it. I read that psycopaths plan their actions and now i cant stop picturing myself planning these actions. And When I imagine myself planning it it feels so real. Then I cant cry and When I have tears in thinkmy eyes i feel like its fake. And When I to myself “i Will act on it”, I can actually see myself doing it. I can never distinguish if Im anxious or not. I could see the “checking feelings” compulsion in other thoughts. But not this time. It seems like I agreed with the scenario and I could actually do it. Please please help.

Well, OCD strikes again. When I got diagnosed with OCD I was like “man this blows but at least I don’t have pocd” Guess it was only a matter of time. Here is my story. When I was about 19 I found this person online who I thought was cute. I really liked their aesthetic and just thought they were attractive. I think we had some mutuals online but I think I reached out first I don’t remember its been awhile. When I found out their age which was anywhere from 14-16 (I don’t remember much especially with trying so hard to figure it out ocd can twist your memories). Something that eats me alive is if I said they were cute after I found out their age. I don’t think I said any sexual thats not really in my nature but just that one question above has me in shambles. Anytime i’m around teen boys I get so much anxiety and really uncomfortable. I have constant thoughts that I should 🪦 myself because i’m a ped*phile and don’t deserve to live. I am absolutely miserable. I don’t want to be one but i’m afraid that I am. I feel super alone in all of this i’ve tried looking up others stories and none really have my experience per say. I hesitated writing this but I figured if anyone would be able to understand its the people in the OCD community.

To manage my real event OCD during the past few months, I told myself that whatever happenes in the future happens, if I take a decision that might end up hurting someone well, that’s just how I am and there’s is nothing I could have done to prevent it. But recently this doesn’t work anymore, something traumatic happened to me and I made a decision, which might have hurt or not hurt my cats, I wasn’t there when it might have happened so I’ll never know. The worst thing is that I don’t know if this decision I have made with malicious intent or not, I’ll never know either. So I can’t adopt this mind set of ”whatever happens happens”, because if I know I’m doing what I’m doing maliciously. Then I have to stop myself, and for that I need to punish myself severely so that my brain gets the message that there will be consequences for not doing better, for letting bad things happen.

I feel very alone in my OCD and CPTSD. Throughout my life, I’m constantly told I’m too much or my mental illness is too much. Although I have healed so much, the presence of mental illness is something that instantly turns people away. My ex boyfriend told me that I’m never getting better, but my therapist tells me I’m getting better everyday. I feel it in my bones. I’m the best I’ve been in a whole decade. So many people have so many things to say about my mental illness. They tell me I’m not we’ll enough. I’m never well enough. No matter how much healing I do. It’s not good enough for them. I find myself daydreaming about friendships and relationships that understand my mental illness. I feel as though I should hide in a pretend world of loving relationships because I don’t believe I will find people who love me despite my mental illness.

18 months ago after a covid infection, I became unwell… weakness, high heart rate, dizziness and felt awful. What followed seemed to be a sequence of awful events that led me down a really obsessive path of health ocd. Quick summary: post covid illness with heart palpitations and lots of hospital trips, pregnancy related heart palpitations, my stepdad getting pneumonia and being hospitalised, my grandma having a stroke, me having to have a brain MRI due to swelling found on an eye exam, an anomalous pregnancy scan with suspected genetic abnormalities with my baby, a blood clot in my lung, a lump in my neck which was looked at by ultrasound, continued heart palpitations after my daughter arrived, unexplained shortness of breath for approx 7 months and still going now, stomach pain that’s been examined by ultrasound, my dad having a heart attack and cardiac arrest and now I’ve got a breast lump and a hard bone lump on my chin which I’m convinced is breast cancer that’s metastasised to my bones as well as experiencing some unpleasant GI symptoms. It feels a lot for 18 months and I genuinely feel cursed, I feel like I’m just waiting for the next awful thing and it feels like it’s a genuine curse on my life and I’m absolutely terrified. I have since become completely and utterly obsessed and preoccupied with my health and illness. I cannot help but feel genuinely as though I’m actually going to die soon and that I must have a serious illness. Sometimes I can see that everything has turned out “okay” and the big scary bits from this last 18 months are over and that I’ve turned out to be okay too. During these moments of “clarity” I guess, I can look back at all the illnesses I’ve been convinced I’ve had and realise that I was only right about 1 (out of about 1000), to name a few I’ve believed I had: Heart failure, a ventricular arrhythmia, leukaemia, colon cancer, non Hodgkin’s lymphoma, bowel cancer, MS, a heart attack, peripartum cardiomyopathy, a brain tumour, a neurological condition, breast cancer, bone cancer, arthritis, atrial fibrillation, a stroke and pulmonary embolism. To name a few. It’s so hard to ground myself in reality when I have actual physical symptoms that make me feel scared. This breast lump is actually being investigated and now I’m utterly utterly convinced that this hard lump on my chin is a sign that the breast lump is breast cancer and it’s spread to my bones. I am losing my grip on reality and feel so distressed. Doctors just think I’m nuts and CBT doesn’t help me. I just feel like I’m not going to be here for my baby daughter and it’s ruining my life.

hi, i have been having resting, persisting, and ongoing anxiety and anxiety/panic attacks thinking i could be gay and have to break up with my boyfriend for about 9 or so months now. i really dont want to, because i love him and care for him. and yes, i feel i do romantically and sexually, and all of those other ways. any one here who was gay with a similar experience ? i saw a youtube video where she says she was having panic/anxiety attacks thinking about being gay for a long time, and then discovered herself to be gay, and there were a lot of comments agreeing with her saying they had similar experiences. if youve had a similar experience could you let me know, or if anyone has any insight can you let me know. it just sounds so similar to what i have been calling OCD this whole time, making me think it is not OCD. i would appreciate it :(

I've been dealing with an Relationship OCD relapse for a few weeks now and im currently distressed, overanalyzing my feelings towards my boyfriend, I feel the urge to break up with him at random times daily, for context I'm in a healthy happy relationship but this is causing me so much distress and anxiety. I fear I might loose control and break up with him.

I’m overwhelmed big time. I am working full time and I’m going to school full time too. I work retail and it’s a store that is constantly busy and they over work people to death including me. I am taking 5 classes this semester and I have so many assignments each week that I never have time to do because I work all day where I usually get off at 9 and have assignments due at midnight. I can’t afford to cut my hours down at work because it’s almost the holiday season which is big for the store I work for and I have so many bills I have to take care of. Now I’m no way trying to sound ungrateful. I have a job and a place to live and I know that’s something to be happy for and I get that. But juggling all of this while having depression and anxiety is nearly impossible. I was bullied at my last job and I recently started at the place I’m at now and I have no friends at work or school because I have trust issues from being betrayed and stabbed in the back so I come off as a rude bitter person to protect myself I guess I don’t know but I have a huge heart but people manage to still use me and hurt me. Anyways I know this isn’t ocd related but I really don’t have anyone I could talk to that would understand because when I talk to my mom about it she gets cold about my feelings and pushes me aside and I don’t want to keep putting my grandma through it because then it makes her stressed out that she can’t help me which I don’t expect her to but that’s the kind of person she is. She recently had a possible heart attack from stress so that’s the last thing I want to do. I know this is a lot but if you read this until the end please just know if you are going through something similar I’m here for you. I understand how hard and overwhelming it can be. I just don’t know if I can handle it much longer 💔

I think I legit defeated hocd. I confronted the fear stopped caring and got a huge feeling of “what are you doing you don’t like this thing” I felt ridiculous level of freedom and got back to who I was before all this Then in the back my secondary obsession ( trans ocd) hit me in the most violent way. The thoughts were as intense as ever, it truly felt like torture, overwhelming and so intense I wanted my Brain to fucking EXPLODE and leave me alone Anytime I am enjoying myself in my skin and gender it would come back with doubt, in such a vengeful and like…I don’t know how to describe it. It’s almost like bullying, punishment, as if my own psyche wants to legit fuck me up for DARING to move on I did some breathing exercice and I am trying to calm down. I hope one day I get over this

I’m wondering if I’m alone I have harm OCD I get intrusive thoughts of hurting my mom but when I tell her to hide the knife I get this urge to find a knife I hope I’m not the only one I’m getting very scared of OCD

lately i’ve just super aware of my existence and why we’re all here, how we all have a consciousness and just all the creatures & beings that exist on this planet & how precious life is, its a mixture of gratefulness but also scary at the same time because i feel too aware, and im not sure how long this will last. I feel alive but not alive. Im worried that i’ll spend the rest of my life contemplating or overthinking my existence instead of just enjoying it like i used to. I can’t even play with my dog anymore without thinking about how we’re both alive but different. I’m too mindful, and its crazy because mindfulness is normally a good thing but with this existential ocd it makes it uncomfortable.

One night drunk i believe I totally flipped out of character and turned evil and done something awful to a female when I was walking home drunk. I can’t get out of bed because of this. Is this OCD, please help people I’m at a worst spot I’ve ever been

I struggle with emetophobia, POCD and now I think I’m struggling with ROCD.. aka relationship OCD. My last relationship, I never had any thoughts that made me stress and have on going anxiety. My last relationship my ex from 2 years ago left me for another girl he met at work. Fast forward to June of this year I finally met the man of my dreams after a lot of online dating. I’m struggling because I had a crush on an old coworker from a job I used to work at and just left from. This crush started when I was in school with him and developed more when we started working together. Nothing serious came about it after my previous relationship and this year I let him know how I really felt. We never officially “talked” or even hugged at that. It was more flirting and sexual in nature. After my ex, I went to him to get my mind off the break up. Now that I’m in a happy and in a healthy relationship this man pops in and out of my head. I often think, is he who I should be with??? Even though I know he never felt the same way and even if he did, he wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to have a future with. All he’s had was good looks. All the girls senates him and I wanted to be one of those girls. These thoughts started in the beginning of our relationship in July around my period. I had a week of panic, I kept thinking omg do I really love my boyfriend? What if I’m not supposed to be with him. Do I really have feelings for this other guy. I would ball my eyes out because I never would want to hurt my boyfriend. Nor do I want these feelings for another person I find attractive. The past month has been great and the anxiety left and I was very confident in our relationship and my feelings. Now the last couple days, I’m due for my period and here I am again worrying about my relationship. I’d think to think it is ROCD because I want a future with my boyfriend and he’s someone i see one with. We talk about this because I need to tell him everything that im feeling and he's very understanding and supportive. I just want to get over this crush that never would have worked out. I often think he this crush told me he wanted me would I go and be with him instead just because he very attractive? These feelings make me feel guilty and like a bad girlfriend. When I pull myself to reality in between my attacks I’m like I know my feelings are true for my boyfriend and I’m like why am I worrying? Then the little OCD monster whispers in my ear all this scary intrusive thoughts. I’m not sure if I’m scared of hurting my boyfriend like my ex did me? Looking for some clarity

I feel like I wanna kill myself sometimes and it’s been popping up in my head for a while but I’m also scared of the thought of doing that but I really just feel like not living anymore :( im scared of life

Hi, so I’ve been having OCD for more than a decade now and this summer it’s gotten unmanageable. I started having serious concerns for my cats’ safety and began obsessing over it, I always tried to keep everything as clean as possible which ended taking a lot of time and energy. But it ended up evolving into something more and more concerning for me as I was feeling guilty about the slightest action I was doing to them or near them, like for instance picking them up, I always felt bad about that because I felt I might have squeezed them a bit too hard, or when I petted them that I might have pet them too hard or in a a spot they didn’t like, sometimes I felt guilty because I would have closed a door a bit too hard which caused a noise a bit too loud or turned on the light when they were napping etc. This caused me to try and make up for it by spending a lot of time with them, more than I could handle in fact, I ended up spending my whole summer vacation trying to pet them whenever they wanted to make up for everything, letting them sleep and roam in my room as much as they wanted but I just couldn’t anymore because that’s all I was doing and each second I was afraid or making a wrong move and hurting them, like rolling in my bed without noticing them for instance, and petting them again and again because last pet felt off and this took hours. I stopped doing that because it was counterintuitive, if my cats didn’t want to be pet I couldn’t just pet them anyway to make up for it even though they didn’t really mind. Then I had increasing concerned about a glass I broke in my room which pieces I couldn’t all find obviously, I pretty much baricaded my room so that any gust of wind wouldn’t carry a potential small shard of glass out of my room into the hallway where they usually hang out, throughouly dusting myself off before leaving my room so that I wouldn’t carry any glass shard with me outside my room in fear they might ingest them, this led to several discussion with my family where I asled my mom to change my cats’ water bowl in case a glass shard on me might have fallen in when passing by, also when I go outside I carry a trashbag with my shoes in them and only put them on when out of the house and remove them before entering since there is so many glass shards outside. Another concern I had was with closing doors, I can’t do that anymore, I’m too afraid one of my cat might stick its paw in a door as I’m closing it and I would have no way of 100% knowing it for sure, I tried to look as muchbas I could for nearby cat when closing the door, paying attention as much as I could but I coudln’t convince myself a cat just didn’t make a run for it last second as I was closing the door, or maybe I didn’t look hard enough, so now my parents have to close the door for me everytime I need to go to my room, which also means I can’t leave my room unless I absolutely need to. This raises another concern with wind drafts as I’ m super careful leaving my window closed so that drafts can’t slam doors shut for the aformentioned reason, also so that my cats don’t smell dirty dishes in my room and get curious and end up smelling them from the kitchen window which is close to mine, and end up trying to climb the sink to get some height and stab themselves on the silverware. But all of this can’t compare to what happened yesterday. I noticed my family keeps an extinguisher in the closet that’s located in the hallway of my house where my cats usually roam. I was afraid someone might open the closet too hard making it fall down and potentially hurt a cat that would be passing by, especially since said extinguisher is on a shelf about half a meter of the ground. I wanted to move it to prevent that from happening but couldn’t as I needed to head to class. Once of the bus, I called my parents to ask them not to open the closet so that it wouldn’t fall on them which they promised not to do it (but later my mom said she did it anyways to grab something tho I only knew it after what I’m about to tell you). Once I was in my class I realised I should call my parents to tell them not to at least lock the cat out the hallway and in the kitchen so that even if it does fall it wouldn’t hurt them, so I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom but they wouldn’t answer the phone, I assumed they went to take a nap as theh usually do around this hour but couldn’t be sure. So once I was back in class I looked up buses that could bring me home so that I could fix the issue myself as soon as possible to prevent any harm to them and I would have at least did anything I could to prevent harm, one was about to come in a few minutes so I could have taken this one but chose not to, and I’m not sure why, I think I didn’t want to ask my teacher to excuse myself because I’d already asked to go to the bathroom or knew he would refuse since there was only 20 minutes of class left, or maybe that it was highly unlikely the extinguisher would fall anyway as it’s not connected to the door of the closet so there isn’t really any reason for it to fall or maybe I was embarrassed about interupting the class to ask to go home and be in the spotlight and seen as a weirdo by the rest of the class when he would have refused, but the teacher knows me well and I have good results in his class so he might have let me go, but a part of me is convinced I did it on purpose. So when I went home taking the next bus which only was twenty minutes after the one I missed, I immediatly went to see my cats and they were all napping and were happy to see me, I let them roam around and nap on my bed with me, but I feel guilty because I cannot tell if something happened, I think if the extinguisher did fall on one of them it would have cause serious injury if not killed one of them since it’s really heavy but I cannot be 100% sure. My parents told me nothing had happened but they also could be lying to not make me feel bad so I don’t know either way. I don’t think I can live with this guilt it’s been eating me up since then and I feel like it’s over and nothing will be the same anymore, I feel empty and sad. I’ve spent the better part of yesterday and today taking care of my cats but they still seem to behave like they usually do but then again I can’t convinced myself nothing happened. I feel so guilty for not doing the best I could to prevent potential harm to them, to some extent, even if I knew they were 100% fine and nothingbhad happened, I feel disgusted knowing I could have still tried and do something to prevent harm. I feel like I need to severely punish myself, so that I can make my brain understand that this is not ok and have lesser chance of doing such a thing ever again. If you’re wondering, I am going to see my psychiatrist in about a week but has been done has been done, I do have some medication my doctor percribed to me a few months ago while I was waiting for an appointement with my psychiatrist but they don’t seem to do much. I really need advice on what to do now, I’m lost and devastated. And thanks for reading and replying in advance, of you need further details, I’ll be happy to provide them.

Can I handle it alone??

This is more for teenagers I guess. So I'm a 17 year old girl and I have harm OCD. And lately I've been feeling really sad that I don't get to enjoy my teenage years. Or I guess not rather enjoy but just experience. Me and my friends were chatting and they were talking about heartbreak and boys and just regular teenage girl stuff. And meanwhile I'm here sitting alone on a Sunday night with intrusive thoughts about what if I'm a murderer or fearing of developing schizophrenia. Like I wanna go out there and date and go to concerts but I'm stuck here with my intrusive thoughts. I started therapy but the fact that I need to put so much work just for my brain to function how it's supposed to function is exhausting. I just want to go have fun and enjoy life. Can anyone relate?

My boyfriend is very sweet and loving to me, I know he loves me very much. But sometimes he makes jokes that are kind of mean (it feels normal to him because he sees his brothers making similar jokes to their wives) and sometimes he tells little lies to other people or to me and then says he’s joking. I’m always on super high alert because I know many people stay in unhealthy relationships and I don’t want to be one of those people. Also my parents are divorced and I know realistically a lot of relationships don’t work out. When I ask my mom about relationship problems she compares it to her (failed) relationship with my dad or her current relationship with her husband which I don’t think it a healthy one and that does not help at all. I see people posting about similar worries but they never seem to have actual problems where their partner does make mistakes like this 😞 He listens when I tell him something hurts my feelings but sometimes he can be defensive and sometimes he gets upset or offended by my obsessive thoughts and I’m so afraid

I know I’ve already made a post like this one before but I want to explain my struggle I’m struggling badly with real event ocd it’s been taking over my life and I’ve been struggling so badly with it if anything I miss being normal I miss when I listen to old Minecraft music it brings me to the time where I didn’t have ocd such a nice time it was and it was robbed away from me buy the satan that is ocd oh boy I would do anything for one day without my ocd nagging me in my head about old events I just want one week with peace of mind I don’t think I can live like this anymore I hate hate hate this life with this shitty disorder