Welcome to
the NOCD Community

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?

I think the scariest part about this fight with hocd has been the guilt I get from these thoughts because I have a girlfriend but sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough or these thoughts are true and I’m just lying to her. Can anyone else relate?

I’m a straight guy and I’ve been having HOCD for 6 months now. But I first had disease Ocd possibility of getting infected with HIV creeped me out and made me anxious I would google symptoms and get myself depress then the HOCD demon started it was so intense at first I think I’m getting better, I can live be happy and even do my school work and when I do erp I’m not anxious sometimes but when I’m not my mind reminds me as to why I’m not thinking about same sex adultly then I go back to being annoyed and I don’t have these thoughts as often as I used to but when I don’t I’m not happy my heart is heavy. This annoys me so much because I can almost feel as if I’m close to being cured but I don’t feel like I’m close at the same time. Now I’m anxious of getting intimate with girls again because it feels more like compilations than pleasure and before all of this I used to enjoy and sleep with different women all the time this just makes me sick and sorry for the long message any suggestions?

I don’t deserve anything. Good sleep, food, nothing. That’s what I keep telling myself whenever I try to sleep or treat myself. I take things I’ve done and the guilt eats me alive. My mom was psychologically abusive to me growing up without knowing it and defends my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father (he has only hit me not her). One day I snapped and I charged at her and started hitting her saying I wish she would die and I hated her. She was crying and not hitting back until she finally dug her nails into my head. I was held in isolation from an ex boyfriend in the Middle East and I got really messed up in the head. I went back home and my mom tried her same controlling techniques while I was jobless and I just snapped. I feel like crap now and I treat her like a queen and we’ve been fine but I can’t stop saying to myself I don’t deserve anything. She is a hypochondriac but when she said she was dizzy for weeks after our fight I can’t help but get worried. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I have deep pain within myself. It’s a long story. But I got really messed up over the past year and was like a housewife in Dubai, sometimes not seeing outside for 2 weeks. I came home to no car anymore, jobless, and my mom treating me like a prisoner. Now I work and take the train to the city but it’s hard for me to excel with this guilt. I say and do things to my mom and she has issues but she also is the most selfless woman for me and everyone else. Idk how to make it up to her.

Does anyone else overthink their boyfriend? Like I went away with mine over the weekend and I didn’t see him yesterday and I just have the need to see him like I feel really really upset and lost without him near me. But I only saw him Monday and didn’t see him yesterday. What does this mean? Am I really needy or obsessed over him?

Help me. I'm having a massive panic attack from HOCD. I'm really scared and I don't know what go to do. I feel like I'm going to die. I feel like I'm actually dying

You guys, I’m having a really bad day. I’ve been feelings so insecure about myself lately. I feel just so bad, I don’t want to be considered boyish or anything. Especially because of this whole hocd thing. But today I was really struggling with my clothes, and I cried. Then just now a boy called me and I quote a “dyke” and that just hurt me (sorry if I offend anyone, not my intentions). But then he said “oh no a rocker girl” and idk that kinda just hurts because im so insecure and I’m going through hocd and it’s making me feel worse about how people view me this way when it just feels like I’m not any of those things. So I just really hate these past few days. I am not looking forward to waking up in the mornings anymore. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

Its like i can freaking feel myself turning gay

All i ever wanted was a man. Now i cant even feel attracted to one. I wanna feel the attraction deeply again i want it to warm me up again and i want it to show me how beautiful life is again. I want it to glow up my days and give my life reason again. I feel like the woman jn me is killed. I wouldve never thought this would have so much impact. That it would kill my hapiness and that it would make everything grey and dull. I cant see the good in anything like this. I want to be the woman who i was supposed to be and not the one who’s blooming got interrupted by this and now feels like a dead flower instead of a blooming one. I was on my way to becoming the woman i wanted to be and who i was. I felt deepy who i wanted to be in life but i cant feel that as long as hocd is in me.

This is about HOCD which is extremely traumatic for me. If you're not familiar with HOCD or ROCD please don't answer. I cut off all of my closest friends because of my hocd/rocd. I feel like I can't tolerate being around anyone anymore. It causes SO much panic. I hate it. My boyfriend is amazing and I'm constantly afraid that I'm cheating on him by having intrusive thoughts. I can tell my stress is starting to take a toll on him. If I see another guy I'm attracted to I feel like I'm cheating on him and the guilt lasts for days. I saw a guy I used to have a crush on at the store and he came up and talked to me and I started to think "what if I still like him" (I don't), but the panic was intense. I convinced myself that this was cheating. I confessed to my parents (one of my compulsions) which is extremely embarrassing. I've had compulsions to confess extremely private things to my parents. I hate it, but it relieves my anxiety for a little while. I know all if this is ridiculous, but I can't help it. A few days ago my boyfriend dropped me off at my building and and old co worker saw me and got out of his car and hugged me without my permission. I know my boyfriend saw it because he asked if I was ok afterwards and who the guy was (I live in a sketchy area so he was worried). I didn't ask this guy to hug me yet I cried and didn't sleep that night because I felt like I had cheated. If I see a girl literally any girl, even old women I start to think what if I'm attracted to her and that means I'm gay and I'm just an imposter leading my boyfriend on. I used to be so happy. I can't kiss my boyfriend anymore without fear of having intrusive thoughts like what if I think about a girl or another guy. It's less the actual thoughts now and more fear that I'm going to have the thoughts although they used to be very graphic. I find myself reading the same articles over and over again. I'm starting to create false memories mixed with real memories like "oh, I went to this female friends house a lot as a child I must have had a crush on them." I never used to think about it that way until this hell took over my life two months ago. I've never had any issues with lgbt people in the past so this makes me feel like a massive a-hole. I've been through days where I'm barely holding on. I'm no longer suicidal, but I went through a really rough period in the beginning of this bout of OCD (I struggled with other obsessions as a child) and now I ruminate about that and have intrusive thoughts about hurting myself which I would never ever do. They can be extremely graphic and have made me throw up. Mostly it's the thought of my loved ones finding me. Will this ever end? I don't remember how I got out of my obsessions as a kid, but I went years with only having minimal problems. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow and I'm afraid he's going to tell me something that will influence me negatively. I want to move on with my life like get a job, which I haven't been able to do, and move out of my house. I used to be very independent and confident, now I question everything. EVERYTHING.

I didn’t realise this before but I do now. I’ve been emotionally abusive to my boyfriend and I feel physically sick about it. I can’t forgive myself I just can’t. I’ve never felt this low.

I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

I’m concerned about my mental health but trying my best to not go back on meds. I’ve gained over 60 pounds from my previous medication and experienced low libido on others as well. Both of these side effects have caused me both stress and anxiety. The added weight shot down my confidence and self esteem. Same with my low libido. My dating life has been terrible and I’m terrified that if I take meds again I won’t perform in the bedroom. Catch 22. Advice?

I have had pure-o for as long as I can remember, and am currently having what I can only describe as a melt down. My mind is telling me that I need to know certain facts about my girlfriends past, specifically who she gave a blowjob to and did she spit or swallow. This thought is making me feel like Im getting to the point of no hope. I know that this info doesnt have any benefits to me knowing, and me seperate from the ocd doesnt want to know or think about these type of things, but it wont stop. Ive had my sertraline/pregabalin upped but nothing has changed. Ive asked her lots of inappropriate questions about her past in an attempt to stop the other thoughts, and she is getting tired of it now. Its upsetting for her to remember and I dont want her to have to. I'm so lost, does anyone have any advice?

Can ocd make you feel paranoid and see things?

I’m hungry but don’t want to eat

Whenever I laugh or try and live in the moment my mind flashes back to the past or things bothering me and reminds me that I shouldn’t be happy because of x y z. It’s really so depressing. I am 26 and I feel triple my age from stress. Even though I want to relax I dread going home at the end of the day because I’m afraid of what else I’ll remember or what new obsession I’ll have. I keep comparing myself to others saying no one would do what I have done everyone is better than me.

This isn’t really OCD related, it’s just giving me some anxiety. It’s not that big a deal and there’s definitely bigger problems out there, but any advice would be appreciated (only if you’ve got time of course!). I’ve been looking at a lot of universities recently. It kind of inspires me to look at the top top top ones and aim to go there. But then I begin to wonder why... I would consider myself intelligent (I feel vain saying that!), but I know I’m being wayyyy too ambitious looking at the Ivy League and Oxbridge. And yet, something in me really really wants to knuckle down and do really well so that I can go to an amazing university. I feel motivated. I live in London. I like the idea of change though, so studying in America sounds appealing. Meeting new people, living somewhere knew, all of that. But then as I was thinking about it all, I suddenly wondered about the boys there. I thought ‘hmm it’d be cool to date an American boy! Plus he might like my accent’. And now I feel 1) narcissistic and 2) absolutely stupid. It just defeats the point. I’m being so naive and dumb. The second thing is, I then began to wonder if I only want to go to a top university to show off about it. And if I’m only going somewhere for the name, and not the actual quality of education, I don’t deserve to go there at all. I don’t like the fact that at times I wish to show off. I always chose to ACT very humble, but within me, I sometimes feel this sense of superiority. Which (of course) I hate. Because at the end of the day, the people that go to top universities DESERVE to. They go because they want to extend their learning. They’re worthy of it. But if I’m just going for stupid childish reasons, what’s the point? I’m clearly not smart enough if I’m thinking in that sense. Boys... showing off... it’s so stupid.

help :((. this is another thing i keep thinking about because of my hocd. so i’ve known a few people who were pretty obviously gay, but considered themselves straight for a long time. and then suddenly they woke up one day and were gay. so they were probably in denial for that long time. so now i wonder if i’ve been obviously gay my whole life and this is just me in denial. i’ve never liked girls or looked at them the same way as i do guys but now i can’t stop wondering so now whenever i see a pretty girl my brain says “omg are you attracted to her? do you like her?” and i don’t think i am cause it’s not the same as i am with guys but i’ve also lost attraction to guys bc of my hocd so this is all really freaking me out. idk what to do anymore.