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I just read someone who had hocd and he realize he was bi, and the worst is he said he was straight for 19 years, right now I feel I identify, and I feel like I'm about to have an "honest conversation" with myself

Well I thought I wasn't doing too bad. And then a trigger within a trigger sets it off again. In my group at my theatre and one of my triggers gives me this look, like stares at me with this look that almost looks, you know...and I panic in my head, get a groinal response and a false feeling and anxiety and that makes me feel more like "omg what was that?" All within the space of seconds. Why? Before then it was like, you'll focus on all these things to do with, I can't even say it, attra...and you'll get this response. Anticipating. It used to be that I could admire things and it'd be fine. But now when it comes to the same sex, everything that is said and done I can't just admire anymore without all the responses. And I interpret them that way. Always in a sexual way. And I hate it, and don't like it. Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm trying not to think about it but the more I don't want it there, the more it sticks.

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

I’m growing more open about my journey through ERP, and I had a significant moment I would like to share with this wonderful community. Back in August, I saw one of my favorite artists (NF, whose music touches on his mental health/OCD) live, for the first time. The day after the concert, I wrote in my OCD journal how sad I was that the concert was over (because during the concert, I felt free, and present, and not thinking about my disorder). I also wrote “Part of me knows as I keep doing ERP, I’ll have more happy & free moments.” On Saturday, I saw him live again. And the immense difference in my recovery between August through now, is a lot. Shortly before the August concert, I had a big backdoor spike, and I was spiraling. 6 days after the concert, I left an abusive relationship of 13 years. As we all experience, major life changes can really make your OCD harder. I was struggling mentally and emotionally over the breakup, which caused some new ocd thoughts to come up. I was resentful, tired, depressed, angry over how unfair it was to have to navigate a disorder on top of navigating a life change. I had to learn to rely on my support system, to accept help, and to really dig in to self-compassion. I sought a second therapist to process my breakup, while still seeing my NOCD therapist, so it was double the mental load. And now, despite all the hard times, I am stronger, 10 months later. And I am having so many more happy & free moments, and that’s because of my own grit and hard work, but also because of ERP. I love where I’m at in my life, for the first time. And this is after another spike a few months ago, and a depressive period in December. I went to the concert on Saturday with my best friend. I drove us there, when I couldn’t drive more than 20 minutes on the freeway last year without panicking. I was going to avoid driving over a bridge that scared me, but I went over it, not knowing if I was going to fling us off the road. I have never driven that bridge before, but I got tired of fear taking over. I was present over the weekend, and I loved hearing the music live. I wish I could say I’m healed™️, my OCD is gone, no more hard struggles. Of course, that’s not reality. Truthfully, I’m struggling this week-my job is insanely stressful, I’m tired, and I don’t have control over my workload. But this isn’t causing me to spiral like it would have before. ERP has helped me see that I can go through all my hard times. Do I hate hard times? Yes. Am I always hopeful and positive? Nope. But I share this to show that the hard times, the difficult exposures, aren’t always going to feel insurmountable. You’ll learn to navigate life with OCD, and it’s never too late for that life to be where you want. I’m in my 30s. I was diagnosed 2 years ago. And finding joy at this point in my life, when I couldn’t picture it for the longest time, is everything. And this is what gives me hope. Thank you for reading ❤️

Lately, I will do something, any small action and thought will get mixed in. A bit different than urges. For example, I moved my fork towards my mom slightly, and in between I had a thought that I was doing it to st*b her. Or, I will brush my teeth and if I drip water it feels like I'm doing it to contaminate others. Sometimes it shows up as feeling or thoughts and most of the time I cringe as soon as I realize. This is just worse because they're being mixed with my actions, and I'll question whether it was intentional or not. It also feels scarier to bring up to a professional in fear I'll get reported.

I know I have OCD and it effects so much of my life, but there’s this one thing I keep doing and I’m starting to think it might be part of it. A lot of my OCD centers around the fear of being a bad person so this act specifically is a really awful loop. When I have a crush or start to like someone I get all stalker like. I’ll have a google doc 10 pages long on everything about them. It’s like I have to know everything. It’ll eat me up at night if I don’t. I never use this information and I often don’t even talk to the person but it’s freaking me out. Because most people can agree, being a stalker makes you a bad person. So I’m up all night until I finally give in and find more information on this person (address, activities, job, really anything I can get my hands on) but then when I finally am satisfied for the night, the idea that it makes me a terrible person haunts me. I just can’t help it, and I’m not even sure why. Usually compulsions have a clear reason behind them but all I can describe it as is this gnawing feels that I HAVE to know. And I guess a little digital stalking is harmless, but I am worried it might spiral into more. Like going to those places I know they’ll be at so I can see them. Partially I wonder if it’s a fear for their safety? Like I have to watch over them and make sure their okay. But that doesn’t really lead to me needing to know their favorite book or their opinion on denim. When this first started it was because I wanted to know a little bit about one person. Now it’s a pattern and it gets more stressful every time. Is this OCD or some other issue?

Hello! So this is a form of harm ocd i suppose. Recently I have developed a theme that when i leave a drive way, residential street, parking lot, or school zone that i may have ran over a child and didn’t know. It started slowly, from rechecking in my mind, to getting out and looking, to turning back and going to check if anyone is there, to finally installing a dash cam to record the areas above. The image in my head for some reason is always a little kid, because my mind out that thought there. I tried ERP myself without a therapist and it is soooo hard to do. My sibling has OCD thats how i was diagnosed. Had it my whole life, misdiagnosed once for adhd, as a kid then finally OCD as an adult. The doubt and anxiety is paralyzing. 😤

Around 4 years ago, I did something actually really bad regarding my relationship. My girlfriend and I have discussed it at length for a long time now, and the type of event I committed has an entire recovery community around it. Like there are very specific ways of healing from this kind of event. One of the most important things to do that everyone stresses is to discover all the “whys” behind the behavior. Why did I do what I did? What went wrong with me? What was I thinking? Why was I thinking it? I’ve talked about a lot of these “whys” with my girlfriend, but recently she has decided (with the help of her therapist) to set boundaries around my confessing. She doesn’t want to hear anymore about these past thoughts or what was going on in my mind. Hard stop. She feels she knows enough, and she forgives me and wants to move forward. I’m terrified. Another “why” has recently popped into my head that I haven’t confessed. It feels especially egregious and serious to confess. I feel like she would be very hurt if she knew, and I’m afraid it would change her mind about deciding to be with me. I shared all this with her without confessing the actual thought/event/intention, and even knowing all that, she still doesn’t want me to confess. She says it wouldn’t change how she feels. But obviously she can’t know that for sure, because she doesn’t know what it is I’m feeling the need to confess. How do I not feel like I’m hiding something important? I feel like she doesn’t know how awful I truly am. I feel like this “why” would hurt her deeply, and I don’t want to hurt her, but she deserves to know what kind of person I am/was. I had a therapy session today and talked briefly about it, but it just brought up more anxiety. I have a packed day ahead including dinner and karaoke with her and our friends, but I just don’t feel good. I can’t stop thinking about this. How do I stay present with all this fear, guilt, shame, and doubt?

I had confession ROCD. i have confessed many small lies or stupid things i did at the very beginning of my relationship. i told him about one guy who i kissed in the past reaching out to me a year ago. i know that i told my bf this. yesterday, i thought about it again and my confession ocd made me re-tell him in case i forgot any details. well apparently he didn’t remember me telling him and he did not talk to me for 6 hours. now i just remembered another friend who used to flirt with me who texted me around that time. i genuinely don’t really remember if he ever texted me when me and my bf were actually dating. maybe once or twice. but it was around that time i stopped being friends with him. i KNOW i told my boyfriend about this. i remember having a convo w my bf about him. but, now i’m worried he forgot about it. or i’m worried i forgot to mention maybe his text was flirty, or maybe i got the timeline wrong when i told my bf. i feel like i need to re-tell him in case i missed anything, but i know it will cause another huge fight and we still haven’t fully recovered from the last fight. however, when he called me this morning i had a panic attack because i feel like i’m lying to him.

For someone looking for more hope today

I really don’t like it when OCD ruins excitement. Excitement is usually a rare feeling for me , but it feels like I’m walking on ice, trying not to let ocd “ruin” my excitement. 🙃

So I thought I was doing better at managing my SO OCD, but THEN I feel like I’m finding something new to worry about and focus on. Recently, I’ve found a fictional character of the same sex to be very attractive and I think “Wow! She’s so pretty AND cool!” Funny because I had these thoughts about this character over a year ago and I never thought anything about it. I Was confident in my sexuality, and just thought she was aesthetically pleasing. Going to now and I felt this “pull” towards her honestly. I definitely overthought and was like “what if you like this girl?” “What does it mean?” “Well she’s fictional so it doesn’t matter right?” “Are you Bi because you have a crush on a woman?” Basically, I felt like I had a crush on this character and I’m overthinking if it’s just an aesthetic crush or something else. Now I overthink about scenarios with her and if I’d actually like her to kiss me and would I be into that? I’ll admit I definitely sort of fell into the google/validation rabbit hole. I have this fear on what if I’m actually Bi or secretly into women all of a sudden. I don’t want to be attracted to women or do anything sexual with them. I’ve always been pretty comfortable in knowing I’m straight. However, this month has really made me feel like I’m not completely straight and I have to sort of “come out” about it.

i’ve had a pretty good day after my harm thoughts relapse. however, i still will get this feeling of dread and state of panic when the thoughts try and take over my mind. i was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and it hit me hard for a minute, but now i’m okay. i just keep thinking about last summer and how i REALLY do not want to repeat that. i want to have a good summer. i don’t have a therapist and am not able to get one at the moment. i’m not even diagnosed and trying to get my mom to get me a call on here is not looking good. so i need advice on how manage that feeling because when i feel it coming on, i start to think about what if those thoughts, urges, and feelings will be my life for forever. that makes it so much harder to try and sit in the discomfort and let my thoughts just be thoughts while still proceeding on with my life.

Peanut butter has been one of my go to snacks since I was a kid, I eat it by the spoonful right out of the jar, or I use to. It was around two years ago that the brand I always got had a recall for a possible salmonella outbreak and ever since then I haven't been able to eat peanut butter and it makes me so sad. I can eat things with peanut butter in it, like candy but not just peanut butter. I keep getting jars of peanut butter, determined to get over this fear but I always fail. This time it's extra frustrating. Last week I got another jar and I even look at the old recall notice again and the numbers on my jar aren't listed and not only that but there was never an outbreak, all tests came back negative it said the recall was just a precaution basically but even then I can't bring myself to eat it. It's extra frustrating now because OCD wise I've been doing a lot better in a lot of ways and I thought I was finally getting a grip on things but this all reminded me how crazy and unwell I still am. I keep trying to psych myself up to just eat it and I'll see it's fine and I'm fine but the more I try the worse my anxiety gets it. I think I had salmonella before, or some type of food poisoning and it was so traumatic and scary that a decade later I almost never have a day where I don't think about it. Any advice on how I can overcome this?

What is a healthy way to deal with false memories? Especially very vivid ones? I’ve been feeling relatively anxiety-free over the past few days but it suddenly started again because I got triggered by going on a beautiful date with my partner :( I’m so sad that these happy moments always trigger intrusive thoughts. Essentially, about a year and a half ago, I went to karaoke with my friend group. At one point, I went into the bathroom and a guy in our friend group was waiting to use the bathroom after me. I passed him in the quiet, dark and empty hallway. I remember I had an intrusive thought about making out with him in that moment. It lingered even after I got back from the bathroom. For a year and a half, I didn’t think about that incident at ALL. I have gone through so many cheating ROCD phases since then (even one super recently about 3 weeks ago), but never have I EVER considered that I may have cheated physically in any way (it was always centered around digital/emotional cheating). I know for a fact that if something had happened, there is absolutely NO way that I would have just forgotten about it. Cheating ROCD has been my main theme since I first got with my partner, and I know for a fact that there is no way I would ever cheat on him or trigger that in any way. Well for some random reason, this memory popped into my head. I pictured myself making out with him in the bathroom. I feel sick and panicked. The image of that happening is literally like a nightmare. When I replay it in my head, I start to panic and I feel like vomiting and confessing. I am so terrified now that it may have happened. The thing is, this guy is in our friend group and he was dating my friend at the time. He’s still in my social circle. I feel like I would absolutely know if I had made out with him - socially, *something* would have changed right? We have literally no messages together, no indication of any sort of romantic interaction EVER. I also don’t drink, so I know I was sober when it “happened,” so there is no issue of alcohol potentially clouding my mind. I keep replaying the image of us making out and it’s making me so so sick, physically. The thing is, at the time I remember that I had an intrusive thought about making out with him, and I remember that I deliberately walked past him and kept telling myself that I’m innocent, that nothing happened, and I remember questioning it even from the moment that I walked past him. Why is the memory so vivid? Should I keep replaying it?

has anyone else ever been so weighed down and exhausted by your own thoughts that you just break down and feel like everything is falling apart? i worry a lot about being poisoned or having an illness and today has been especially hard, not sure what to do anymore because i feel as if i have tried everything to stop the thoughts or distract them and nothing works anymore, really wanting some help 🫶🏼

There's no other way to explain it but it feels like I'm on the edge of losing my mind. I've been struggling for the past month a lot and my biggest fear now is schizophrenia. And every day it feels like I'm waiting to get it. I'm waiting to start hallucinations or psychosis to come. Obviously I don't want that at all I would do anything for that not to happen but because I'm so scared it feels like any second it could happen and like I'm waiting for it. Like I'm listening to music and I'm afraid I'm gonna hear something that isn't there. Or even looking around I'm afraid to see something that isn't there. I'm trying really hard to let the fear be, let the thoughts come, say maybe maybe not, try to not figure it out. But it's not helping I'm more and more scared and tired every day

I got engaged in December and will be marrying my best friend next year. We've been together a little over five years, and I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. However, my SO-OCD and ROCD are making it very hard to enjoy my engagement. I seem to be triggered by everything, but it's especially bad this month. I'm so sad because this didn't start until I watched the bathroom coming-out scene from Stranger Things in 2022 and fell down this rabbit hole. I don't know what to do because the thought of being with a woman literally gives me nightmares, but the thoughts are still there and are so loud. I just want to enjoy my life with my soon-to-be husband, but this is making it so hard.

I’ve only been in ERP therapy for a few weeks. Recently I feel frustrated like it’s not working. I know I probably need to give it more time and that it may take quite a while but I’m looking for advice here. My therapist is doing a good job but I feel like I need to be doing different exposures. Right now we’re working on things more specific for someone with triggers like putting a belt around my neck, holding my gun in my lap all while saying I’m going to kill myself or I’m going to shoot myself. I don’t have specific triggers though. Mine are more mental and I feel like I need exposures that are going to help me because I constantly say “I’m going to kill myself” or just “kill myself.” Does this make sense?

I had a huge panic attack and these past these my head feels hot out of no where idk how to explain it , and then I’m always like not in touch with myself , like I don’t feel like I’m here , I’m always in my head I don’t feel grounded if that makes sense .