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it deeply upsets me that im not morally perfect and the people and world around me arent morally perfect i just want everything to be morally clean and good but its not and im not and i hate that.

Hey y’all this is my first post. I’ve known I’ve had ocd for around 6 years now, but haven’t had much specialized help (just a standard therapist, who is great, she suggested this app) I’m mainly just posting to vent and for people to hopefully make me feel a little less alone in my current situation. I’ve developed coping skills for many of my ocd obsessions in the past, but haven’t really made a dent in what I’m realizing is pretty bad ROCD. I was in an abusive relationship for about 4 years, and it was this weird thing where like I would not only be unhappy from the abuse but also have intense ROCD. Which is relevant, because I’m now in a super happy and healthy relationship, but am unfortunately still experiencing ROCD. And of COURSE that makes my brain feel either like love is just never going to work out for me, or that this new relationship is wrong for me, which I know isn’t the case. But it’s just so exhausting feeling like I have this horrible brain fog around my partner half the time. I never felt like this when my partner and I were just best friends for 6 months, and all that’s changed is that she is even sweeter and more attentive to me. This just all sucks so bad, and I think I should talk to a specialist about it.

I am typing as I sit on the couch after a mental breakdown due to the frustration and fear I have with my Suicidal OCD intrusive thoughts. I know so much about why this is happening from therapy, research, and self help books that I feel like knowing this much about my condition is almost making it harder to recover. It’s like I feel like since I logically understand my problem, why can’t I change my response to it? I know logically that these thoughts are stuck in a loop because I have assigned meaning to them and am so scared of the concept of harming myself, yet ERP/CBT hasn’t yet helped much with my ability to tolerate the anxiety. I have moments where I feel good but the sense of impending doom and feeling like I “am bound to hurt myself” always comes back. At least for the last 2-3 months since this theme and OCD flare started. I don’t have any physical compulsions that me or my therapist have been able to identify except *maybe* researching too much. But other than that, my compulsions are all mental. However, I can’t pinpoint what exactly they are. It’s also important to note that I don’t avoid anything. I still use knives when I need to, I don’t hide them like others with this theme do. Yes they can trigger anxiety but I don’t actively avoid them or other items that trigger/have potential to harm me. When I do audio exposures (listening to my voice saying I am going to hurt myself), I hold a knife to my wrist to intensify the ERP, per my therapists request… and still the same or similar level of fear behind suicidal and harm OCD thoughts is there. Has anyone dealt with this and can help provide some insight as to what helped you? Anything is helpful here except negativity.

can NOCD therapists offer sessions that cover other mental health/life issues that i need to work on and fix? like just my day to day life, issues that I'm having with family or my relationship, ext. and school stress? as well as receiving treatment for OCD.

How much longer do I have to endure this? I've been seeing a talk therapist for over 2 years, and my specialist for nearly 6 months, and I've only made a small amount of progress. What is the magic to getting better? I feel like I'm just treading water. And just saying I need to do things that are uncomfortable isn't cutting it, or else I wouldn't be in the situation I am. Who knows the answer and can help me? Who has dealt with these feelings and can offer me guidance on what works? My life is passing me by and year after year I'm merely existing. I was excited when I took the first step and reached out to a therapist 2 years ago, and hoped that I would get better soon. I've continued to have hope and get excited with each new step, but I'm still waiting; >for these feelings to go away, >to gain my time back, >to have the ability to live in a clean home, >to see my family, >to live my life, and enjoy each day again. Why am I still imprisoned by this?

even though my therapist told me i have ocd i still feel like i’m not like “ocd” enough… especially cause some days it is better and some days it is worse 😔 and even though my therapist told me i have it i’m not diagnosed so i just stress about it ❌❌ i just want my brain to turn off i realized i have had a lot of ocd symptoms since i was a child so it just sucks and what if i don’t have ocd and there is nothing wrong and i’m just like this 🤔🤔🤔

Does anyone experience physical confidence issues that might be related to OCD?

I've made new friends and I feel really proud of myself for doing so. For having the courage to speak up when I feel the time calls for it. Sometimes, my confidence fades when my thoughts goes to the past about certain events, but then I just try to bounce back. What's been bugging me the most is this sinus infection I've had for a while in the summer. That and post nasal drip sucks.

I have a lot stress factors weighing in me, and I've already been in the midst of an OCD flare up so I'm struggling pretty hard right now. My brain is digging so deep to think of anything bad or gross I did when I was younger and I don't know how to handle it. I want to tell it all to my gf but I don't want her to look at me different over weird thoughts when I was younger, but my brain is telling me I'm hiding it and I'm a horrible person. I don't know what to do, I haven't spiraled like this in a long time and I can't get out of my own head going deeper into past thoughts and memories and actions I'm deeply ashamed of.

I can’t help but look at how happy they are and think I never got that, I never got selfies, flowers, treats and treated like a princess and now they are posting it everywhere. His family must like her because he’s changing, he’s not who he was with me and I thought I was brining out the better in him turns out she is. I can’t help but compare myself everyday. I can’t get out of my mood out of my funk, out of this constant stress and pain I’m putting myself in. Everyday it’s literally a battle to get myself out of bed without crying. It’s been a few months now but everyday it hurts. And not because I miss him, I don’t, he treated me shit and I deserve someone better, but because I’m living a shit life, having a shit time, while the people who hurt me get everything they ever want. Why don’t I? I’m sat at work like almost crying because I’m so tired and so done with this shit now. I’m genuinely exhausted and can’t see a single good thing. Why can’t I be happy?

I had a terrible graphic intrusive image. So why didn't I feel nothing? I should have been disgusted immediately. I was just passive, it didn't effect me as much. I'm currently obsessing about the fact that I didn't react. I don't know if I should be afraid of this. I know I didn't like that, but when things like these happen I feel like I never have enough confidence, like to simply say "no I was disgusted, I don't like this, I would never do that" end of the story, without any second guessing thoughts. I can never have that statement confidently without feeling that it might not be true. And sometimes when I try to answer to the "OCD question" my brain double downs and says "well what about this? how about that? would you like it that way? you've never thought about it that way!" My brain asks me "would you do it if it was like that? have you ever considered what would it be like? maybe you would like it?" What do I do? I think I know what should I do, but I don't know if it applies to this, if it applies to me at all, as sometimes I think that these are not OCD symptoms or it isn't OCD at all.

By going through life having no or little OCD symptoms, to having it daily now, it's my belief that OCD is fundamentally a HABIT. Yes, this is simplifying it a lot, but I think that's what it is. Which is why ERP seems to be effective (although I've never done ERP). Like any habit, you have triggers, rewards, cycles, etc. Something triggers an alcoholic to drink, they get rewarded by the high, then they get hangovers, then they get negative effects, etc. Going through this myself -- Years ago, I literally GENERATED my own OCD. I remember how and when. I basically wanted to "come clean" to my girlfriend. Me and her had both done some somewhat shady things in the relationship, and this was me "confessing." Ok so here's what happened and here's what started it all -- so what started out as "confessing," absolutely went it to HYPER CONFESSING, day by day. I would scour my brain, trying to remember EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I'd ever done "wrong" in the relationship -- however trivial or maybe some weren't as trivial. But the point is, the habit HAD BEEN SET. What started out as good-intentioned "confessing" to "have integrity" in the relationship, grew day by day into my brain interpreting that as "oh this is something you NEED to be doing every day. You NEED to be ruminating. You NEED to be "checking." AND IF YOU DON'T, you will feel SHAME and GUILT. And guess what it? It hasn't stopped since. What happened was it just moved the target. So, what started out as "did I do anything 'wrong' in the relationship" checking, it switched to "did I do anything 'wrong' in life." So that's where I'm at today. Stuck in that loop. Fun times.

Hello everyone I was recently diagnosed with OCD. I’ve spent the last ten years battle extreme anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I recently started taking Prozac. For once in my life my mind feels calm. However, they just upped my dose and my anxiety is bad and I’m having trouble sleeping this is week 2 on the medication. Anyone else experienced this?

Ive had severe OCD for like 3 years now but today I had a moment where I was convincing myself of my thoughts really strongly and I started ro believe it- but it was really bad this time. Like I felt so anxious that I got nauseous and I felt like I was about to vomit😭😭😭 that has never happened to me… does anyone have a similar experience?

Hey everyone. (25M). Just wanted to share about my experience. I’ve been dealing with the tags mentioned above, mainly Pedophile OCD and Harm OCD. I probably have flowed through each subtype already, but these are the ones that I’m currently dealing with at the moment. I would say this has been going on for around 2 years or so? Maybe more. I do want to say that the struggle has been real. There’s been a lot of tears, frustration, and exhaustion, both physically and mentally. A part of me does fall into questioning why this OCD experience happened to me. I would have intrusive thoughts about me wanting to end my life, end my parents life, or even people I find myself to like. As soon as the harm OCD would “fade away” a new intrusive thought would pop up, that being POCD. Intrusive thoughts that say I’m attracted to children, that I would want to or engage in sexual activity with them, or that I am secretly a pedophile. These two subtypes eventually work together and ruminate to say that I’m a schizophrenic psychopath and that one day I will snap and act out on my thoughts. Deep down, I truly know that I am not what my intrusive thoughts say to be, but the constant rumination, doubts, groinal sensations, and anxiety symptoms trick me right back into the OCD cycle. The way I know why I am not a pedophile, a serial killer, etc. is because I most likely would have acted out on them by now. I wouldn’t be feeling this anxiety, this sadness, or this disgust. (Maybe, maybe not) I had a decent childhood and was raised well, and there have been no signs or desires of it ever before. I was a pretty good kid, did well in school, stayed out of trouble. I was even studying to become a psychologist, maybe as forensic or counseling, because I was super interested in helping others who were struggling to live a “normal” life. So throughout my struggle, day by day I try my best to be present and mindful of who I am and want to be. I know with OCD a symptom is reassurance seeking and to browse the internet to figure out what the hell is going on, but I am grateful for my persistence in psychoeducating myself and studying psychology to know that there is help and I can reach out for help. I wanted to practice what I preached. I’ve been hesitating to reach out for help because I was afraid of the uncertainty and the potential truth. But luckily I found NOCD, and here I am now on my OCD journey learning a little about myself and allowing myself to be open in my sessions. I am barely starting, and I know my desperate ass wants this to be magically cured, but again, practice, patience, self love and courage are things I am working on to create my better self. So I would like to congratulate and wish luck to all of you who have reached out for help and are working through your problems. We got this! Take a breath, acknowledge uncertainty, and embrace your emotions.

Please someone help me... I need advice... and Im spiraling and im triggered... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

Today, I’m just feeling empty and I want to write down my feelings. My (now ex) girlfriend and I had been together for two and a half months, with about a month of talking before that. But it felt like so much longer; I was staying at her house for long periods of time, even while she went to work. She was playful, caring, mature, had quirks that I adored (and still do), and just let me feel like a kid again. It was something I think we both felt coming, but I’m dealing with it very hard right now. And the conversation happened right at the end of an otherwise great day; we just returned from a short two day trip where we explored museums and I just kept holding out hope that things would be ok. I had an amazing time and got a bunch of souvenirs depicting hobbies I really love, but they just feel tainted. She was my first in almost everything: my first girlfriend, my first time caring for someone romantically, my first time sexually, my first heartbreak. We had broken up last night, but I still spent the night with her and we both woke up in good spirits after cuddling for hours. As we were gearing up to get out of bed and for me to leave is when it started feeling real. I broke down crying in her arms and she was so comforting, we kept kissing each other on the cheek and forehead as she wiped away my tears and reminded me that while we aren’t each other’s forever person, it won’t be the last time we see each other. I had told her a couple of weeks ago that I’m not sure I could ever say “I love you” to her, and that in tandem with me moving away few hours away to finish my Masters is I think what did it, even though we had plans of seeing each other consistently. But it feels like a big mistake, as we both agreed right before I left that we truly do care for each other. And I really really do. I feel like ROCD played a part in this. I introduced her to my family and met her mom. Talking to her about anything, even my deepest OCD fears, was met with compassion, and I trusted her. I keep holding out hope that once I move back after my degree or even before then, things will change and she’ll want to get back together. I keep playing back every good moment of our relationship and the conversations we had breaking up. And I even expressed to her that I was still holding out hope, but she rebutted saying she doesn’t think we’re the right fit. My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of her and every little thing she did, and I just miss her so much. Things were perfectly fine and great earlier this week; we hiked, she helped me move my things around, we kissed a bunch and were intimate. It felt like a switch flipped within a couple of days. Both of us said we had these feelings ebb and flow, but I thought it was just something we could work through. I feel so broken right now and just wish I could collapse into her arms; it feels like a part of me died. We were bonding yesterday at a museum with dinosaurs (something I love) and she let me feel like a kid again, and I just miss that feeling so much. Every time I close my eyes all I can think about is her face and her quirks and everything, and I don’t know how to move forward. I know this is all jumbled; I just kinda wrote things as they came up in my head. Thank you for reading.

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard

My brother and I (I’m 20, he’s 16 but he’s taller and heavier than me) used to get violent with one another. I had anger issues growing up in an angry home (our dad was just like this), and I would yell and shout a lot, and we’d get into physical fights. I’ve been a LOT better about it over the past few years especially since I moved out to college, but yesterday as I was laying on the couch healing from my wisdom teeth extraction, he started hitting me with a plushie and then wiped his boogers on it. I tried really hard to ignore him but he just kept going and going, and then i tried to leave the room but he followed me and kept bothering me. I finally slapped him, he punched me with what felt like full force in the back (causing me to tear up from the pain), and I ended up scratching him so hard that it left a big mark. He punched me in the back again really hard and I ended up just crying. I now feel really really really horrible. We talked it out and both apologized and said we loved each other. But now i’m really worried. I’m concerned that I’m an abusive monster, that I have a personality disorder, that I’ve traumatized him over the years. I don’t know if these sorts of fights are normal between siblings or if there is something seriously wrong with me. Things like this have happened before. I keep googling scary things.

Anxious my husband cheated after ten years with a woman he was engaged to several maybe 15 years before I moved from the big city to a small farm town and they are around one another all the time and everyone told me even in our ten years of marriage he’s never gotten over her and he blames me for the cheating and when I quit my job due to stress and a child I was withdrawn and was crabby and not the most pleasant but I didn’t go out and look for someone to talk to at the bar down the street for 4 months like he did I took care of our family