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I don't understand how to break free from OCD. I don't understand at all

I have the constant urge to confront people who have hurt me in the past, even if it’s from years ago. This is a compulsion I absolutely cannot do as it’s real life involving other people and can make matters much worse. This is the ultimate challenge. I sit in anger and rage with no closure, and my urge is also for reassurance seeking to basically cover my ass and endure perfect reputation or make sure my past will not come to haunt me. But without closure or having the last word I am agoraphobic and want to hide. The anxiety I get from this is crippling. If I don’t get the last word I feel weak.

So this is the third post I am making today and now its about real event ocd. I think I understand now why I did what I did when I was a kid. My uncle, from mother side has been denounced by my mother into the police of molesting my other sister. The cops who heard she, one of them was my father, that in the time was already married with another women and had a daughter (already had a family). He cheated and felt in love with the women who gave me birth (my biological mother), she who denounced my uncle. I dont know much what happened, but he didnt went to jail as they all kind of solved the problem without the law. My biological mother died when I was 2 I guess and then my father took me from my grandparents to his first family, so I have a mom today that I love so much who took care of me and for me this biological thing is nothing. I love my mother. Strange thing that when I came from my grandparents house to my father house. My other sister, older sister too (both of my sisters are older then me) and my mom realized strange things in me, like behaviours and later I was diagnosed with eplepsia. This makes me believe that something must have happened with me so I can explain what I did with my sister. Ive read a lot about real event ocd and siblings abuse guilt. Its a compulsion that I not controlling anymore. Searching and googling everytime. This is very confusing, but its my story. I hope somebody can help me clear this out

i’m so confused. when i see pictures of girls who are like half naked i get aroused physically. but when i see a guy who’s like really sweet, fully clothed, smiling, laughing, i get aroused mentally for the most part, physically not so much. i think about wanting him to hold me, wanting to play with his hair, all this romantic shit. but when it’s girls it’s only down there, nothing happens in my head and when i try to make something happen in my head, it’s feels so weird and unnatural. is this normal. like this has always happened even before hocd. i never get aroused to girls when they’re clothed, like i couldn’t care what underneath. but for guys i do for both. but why do i get aroused to naked women if i’m straight? i don’t understand, it doesn’t make sense

Cooking HelloFresh meals is continuing to go well. Honestly, I can't really call it an exposure anymore. I actually enjoy a lot of it. - Yesterday I had a moment of panic, but acted effectively anyways. Even better, I used an unexpected trigger as an opportunity to do ERP and move towards another bone if my values- flexibility. I've always been super strictly adherent to rules and directions. When following recipes, I do exactly what they say, down to minutia like how many cups of water to boil the pasta in. This kind of rigidity shoes up in many areas of my life and causes problems. - Back To the story. I was making spinich and cheese raviolis wit Italian chicken sausage sauce. They sent scallions. The "thinly sliced whites" were to be cooked with the sausage.... Only when I got out the scallions from the bag, they were slimy. My heart sped up and my hands started shaking. I froze in place for a solid thirty seconds while frantic thoughts whizzed through my head: "the scallions are bad, I'll have to scrap the whole meal! But they're counting on you for dinner tonight! Unless you went and got take out, by the time you changed the meal plan and made it, it would be way to late. This is a trainwreck.... Etc etc etc." And then I was like "stop, this isn't working." I thought about watching my brother and roommate cook when they make up recipes based on whatever ingredients are in the house. It always blew my mind that they are so comfortable making decisions up as they go along. I certainly don't feel confident cooking a meal without a recipe after rummaging though the fridge.....?But maybe there was something in the house I could use to replace the scallion whites.? Hmmm.... YES!! a yellow onion! - So I minced a single slice of the onion and used it in the recipe. My anxiety faded as I cooked, but then spiked when I set the plates in front of my family. "what if it's bad? "They're going to know I ruined it" "what if it's so bad they can't eat it" "what if they eat it but just don't like it. Or if it's different than what they expect".... I had SO MANY urges seek reassurance. AND I DIDN'T, NOT EVEN ONCE!!!! I'd love to hear success stories from the rest of you. It's be especially awesome if you could connect the brave action to one of your values

I just did a huge decontamination compulsion because I washed my hands for 20 seconds, touched some things, including my face, and then really doubted that I washed properly. Through out this like....45 minute decontamination (for less than 30 seconds of touching) I could feel my rational brain, struggling to come up for air and tell me it was my ocd. But my ocd brain was so strong.... I just had to keep cleaning and decontaminating. Is it a positive that I realized, even just barely, even though i couldnt stop? Or is that basically how it will always be?

My sister is bisexual and told me that before she came out she had internalised biphobia (something I’m terrified of having myself) she tried to look at photos of guys to prove she was attracted to them and used to talk about them to her friends to make sure they didn’t suspect anything, and all I can think of is that I do all the same stuff too. I’m freaking out because I try and make sure that nobody thinks that I’m gay and I try to prove my attraction to men. I also sometimes get excited when talking to girls similar to when talking to guys, but with the girls I think it’s the topic of conversation, and usually I get bored after a few minutes, whereas with guys (before my boyfriend) it was more the fact that a guy I liked was paying attention to me. I really hope that that’s what it is. I’m terrified that I need to just admit that I’m bisexual like my sister and should come out and that I’d feel better rather than suppressing my ‘attraction’ to women, despite only wanting to be with men and only fantasising about men in a romantic way when I feel normal and not panicky like this (because right now, all my thoughts are bombarded by these bisexual thoughts and I’m struggling so much)

So I have GAD and OCD, harm and POCD. Up until a month or so ago I had been spike free for 2 years. I was so happy and free. The best I’ve ever felt. I was able to go off my meds and really enjoy life again. I guess a month or so ago I could feel my anxiety creeping in due to being stuck at home from Covid. Things just began spiraling and here I am back in another POCD spike. Same theme different worries every day. I’m back on new meds but it’s only been 3 weeks so Idk how well they’re working. I guess I’m posting because I’m really upset I spiraled after doing so well and I’m really upset it’s the same theme. That makes me feel like more of a bad person. Like what if it’s not OCD? Yes I know that’s the OCD talking. Ugh why can’t I just be worry free??? Have any of you been doing well and spiked with the same theme?

I’m worried about my suicidal thoughts that come up from time to time. Sometimes I’m fine and I talk myself through things but other times I’m obsessing about things I did in the past and have so much shame. The worst case scenarios and fears I come up with in my head feel so real and I just want to die after thinking about it coming true. One memory I’m stuck on is when my friend told me to try a sugar daddy site 3 years ago. I was used and taken advantage of. I got drunk and went into a bar basement and gave the man oral sex. I felt horrible and it was humiliating and degrading. He ghosted me after that and found me again on Instagram months later. He said “remember me? You really enjoyed it.” And then when I called him out he said “you drive a Benz. Why would I pay you. Bye hoe”. My OCD tells me maybe he secretly taped me and I’ve gone viral, or he will ruin my reputation even though it was 3 years ago. Or no man will want me because of my past. I was in a low place and got taken advantage of. I have a police report against him but because i consented the police said nothing can be done. He is 17 years older than me and after I googled him I found out he defrauded investors for hundred of thousands of dollars and is known for scamming people. I don’t even want to stay in New York anymore I just want to run away. I can’t handle the shame and the intrusive memories.

I'm terrified I'll be a failure forever. :(

I have been struggling with OCD for as long as I can remember and I have lost count of how many therapists I have been to. But the main one that has really stuck with me is contamination OCD. but it branches off like if there is a red smudge on paper or somewhere I’ll automatically think it’s blood and have immediate anxiety. But the OCD fear that I have allowed to control my life is the fear of getting pregnant from someone not washing their hands after going to the bathroom or if they did (who knows what) and didn’t wash their hands or shower, or even if they touch their phone (since nowadays we all have ours connected to us at all times)or something before washing their hands and then the sperm could of transferred onto that or anything and then they touch something that I then touch and then if I got pregnant (or even the thought of those “germs/sperm” being on my body at all) my boyfriend would breakup with me and we have been together for over 5 years and I love him with my whole heart so my fear is loosing him. Now I know it’s pretty much impossible to get pregnant like that but my OCD brain is saying well what if it happens to you and your the first person ever. So I literally don’t touch anything after anyone or at least directly without washing my hands right after. I was my hands probably at least 50 times a day and use Lysol wipes on EVERYTHING! I have sanitized my phone 3 times already today. I am in therapy but I feel like talking to others who also suffer and can relate helps too I know this is a strange OCD fear, I guess I’m wondering if anyone has ever had this fear as well?

Well my weak sucked I asked my parents for a therapist and I got a pastor ? I give up I'm hopeless it's been manageable but I know it will be back I'm basically waiting what would u do if ur parents wouldn't take u seriously?

What does recovery feel like?

does anyone else with pocd also fear that other people are pedophiles? im a csa survivor so it could be that but i get intrusive thoughts about others harming children too which triggers episodes and adds another layer of me distancing myself from my family

Hi. My whole life I have though I was dealing with anxiety, but after recently being hospitalized for a serious self harm episode, I am considering the possibility that I may actually have ocd. It was first brought up to me while I was talking to my therapist about an episode I had in which I heard a chorus of voices telling me the god was watching me. With those voices came an intense feeling of impending doom, and at the time I was scared to move. I was physically able to move, but I held the belief that if I stayed completely still that nothing bad could happen. I can think of countless instances of things like this happening. A prime example is that from seventh grade to my junior year of high school I can remember getting the feeling of everyone’s eyes on me and I would feel a rush of anxiety. When these happened, I would always in turn become hyper aware of my breathing. For the rest of class, I would then try to stifle my breathing and stay as still as possible. Another example is that I would have the thought in my head “what if my face turns super red in the middle of class?” and as a result my face would get more red, then I would worry about my face being red so of course it would get redder and redder. One more example is the classic stories my parents would tell me about from my early childhood. They say I was a very smart kid but I was very anxious and took everything literally. For example, when as a very young child I would cry on the bus because it didn’t have seatbelts. And another time my dad misplaced something in the house and he made a joke that he would “burn the house down” looking for it - I really thought he was going to burn the house down and I started panicking. Could these have been early signs of ocd? All of these examples seem very aligned with ocd in that I have an impulsive thought paired with a behavior that I think will combat the anxiety coming from that thought. If it is ocd, it would seem that my most common compulsion is to be still. I think it could still be anxiety though, just because I can recall periods of up to about a year that I have not had a compulsion. I have also noticed that when I went to college, I no longer got intrusive thoughts in class, but they instead came back to me in other forms. I started to have thoughts of myself and family dying in extremely violent ways and they would often happen while I was driving. These thoughts are what eventually drove me to do what I did, swallow a bottle of pills, which put me in the hospital. Is it normal in ocd for obsessions and compulsions to change? Is it possible that I have ocd on top of my anxiety? Sorry this post was so long, I just started typing and the words came out! If u read this far then thanks!

Hey guys,i wanted to share something.I am fourteen years old,and my entire life i have been liking guys.Four months ago,i started having this obsession that i might harm myself,so i was never alone,because i was afraid i might do smth that would put myself in danger.When this obsession was over,i was afraid i might do smth to my parents,and after that i had the fear that i might hurt little children,like i might rape them,thats why everytime my little niece and nephew came here i distanced myself.As u can see,my every obsession was kinda connected to each-other.The thought that i may abuse a child(including both genders)brought me the thought that i might be gay.Im still suffering from this thought and less from the others.Yesterday i saw a video which said that im in denial.I think so,because yes god damn it i kinda enjoy the thought of being gay and i hate it.Do u think this is normal?One part of my mind has enjoyed my whole obsessions but with being gay,its different its scarier to me.

Possible trigger for someone with religious ocd When I was in eighth grade I had this INTENSE fear that God was gonna come back and the whole rapture was gonna happen before I could live out my life. It lasted a few months. And I'm wondering if that was a little OCD episode? I was obsessed with it and would constantly talk about my fear in hopes of getting reassurance and I'd contsantly ask my Mormon grandmother "hey, will I be able to live my life when god comes back?" and would feel relieved for only a little bit. Now it doesn't effect me cuz it wore off and I'm no longer Christian, but it was still terrifying at the time. I'm literally baffled. I have never noticed my OCD symptoms my whole life until now, really. Honestly I'm a little relieved knowing I've had symptoms other than my childhood ones. It gives me hope that this REALLY IS just pocd and not the real thing. There is so much proof leaning toward it just being OCD, and now this? It's made me a little happy, at least for tonight. Anyone else suddenly remember things like this and were like "how did I not know this before"?

Curious as to what people's thoughts are about high end exposures, doing things that would make anyone uncomfortable/anxious if they participated in them on a daily basis. Some examples might be jumping in a dumpster, licking a dumpster, licking a toilet seat, eating from a toilet seat, putting hand in toilet, etc. It doesn't just have to be contamination. It's confusing to me because if we're supposed to be overcorrecting and habituating to these things, how are supposed to get back to going out own direction, choosing what we decide to do? I get really lost with this tool. Have you found it to be helpful for you?

I wish I could verbalize this feeling. It’s like every woman looks attractive to me now, so much so that I feel it’s inevitable that I would want to have sex with one. It’s so strange and uncomfortable. It’s like they look irresistible now even though it makes me so so upset

Three weeks ago I could barely swallow food. Every time I ate, I would get sick. Not because I was sick, but because I was plagued with thoughts so vile and disruptive that I was made physically ill every time they occurred. I fantasized about hurting myself. That, somehow, cutting into my skin would make the thoughts stop. The only thing that would make them stop, stop the heart pounding dread that I felt every waking moment was sleep. Sleep was only achieved by taking powerful tranquilizers that were then later needed to function. I would get 15, maybe 20 minutes of peace. A still mind. Something that alluded me constantly. And the thoughts. Thoughts that my very existence was a lie. Everything I loved was a lie. I felt dissociative, like I was in a body that wasn’t mine. No matter how hard I fought, the thoughts remained. I was spend my entire day googling, looking for answers. The what if’s constantly lurking in my brain over and over. I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. I felt hollow, like a ghost. This is OCD. No, I’m not obsessively washing my hands or correcting picture frames that are slightly askew. I’m fighting an invisible enemy. One that there is no escape from; my own mind. After finally getting the correct cocktail of SSRIs and benzodiazepines, I was able to fully commit to exposure response prevention. Put in plain terms, facing my worst fears, and not reacting. So began the grueling process of writing down scripts of worst case scenarios, “maybe my husband doesn’t love me anymore and we will need to get a divorce. Maybe my kids will be taken from me because I’m irreparably broken.” Rehearsing these scripts out loud over and over again. Always ending with the words “and I will learn to accept that.” Through this process I was finally able to beat my thoughts at their own game, once I had said them and sat with the discomfort time and time again, the anxiety lessened. But, wait, OCD isn’t done it’s not willing to go down without a fight. “Why aren’t you anxious anymore? It must mean you WANT these things to happen. You’re a fraud. You don’t even have OCD.” With these thoughts comes more ERP. Allow them to be there. Thoughts are just thoughts after all. If there is one thing that I have learned it is that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts come and go. We are our values, our actions. Those are what matter most. OCD will try to take them from you. Don’t give in. This fight for me is daily. And I have accepted that I will have this in one form or another my whole life. The thoughts have lessened, have quieted, but are still there if I give them power. Some days are better than others. I still need my back up benzodiazepines when life gets to be too much and I’m not strong enough on my own. I am now able to make it through the day with two instead of three. The hope is that one day I will only need them for emergencies. But, one day at a f*cking time.