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the NOCD Community

I need help or a pick me up. I’m doing OCD treatment I’m around 6 weeks in and I’m really struggling right now. It’s been up and down, but I can’t even sit through another exposure because the panic attacks won’t stop happening. I’m scared for my life and I want to end my life so badly. I don’t want to die but I want to stop suffering, all hope has left me and I am petrified of who I am. I am merely a shell of who I used to be, I cannot stop crying and I want to just be put to sleep.

I have mentioned this in replies of others posts, but I’m having a bad flare POCD flare up right now. So backstory time. When I was 19 I was having bad HOCD and OCD that obsessed over my gender identity. I found a website that had lots of hentai comics. I found a lot there that I did like but I guess I was going into overdrive trying to reassure myself that I was straight and found myself clicking on a few shota ones. Now back then I had no clue just what shota actually was. I merely thought it was consent age guys that looked really young. There was a lot of things that I didn’t know about And for the record: I did not look up these hentai because of the fact that they were shota, and in fact I ended up picturing myself as the shota and having all the depicted acts done to me by someone older. I realized after a while that looking at those things was really bad and I stopped. And I was ashamed. And disgusted that I had let myself do that. So I vowed never to do that again. And it worked pretty well. I forgot all about having done that and when I did remember I chalked it up to being dumb and desperate for relief from HOCD and I looked down on anyone who actively enjoyed that stuff Well, cut to a few days ago. My brain tells me I should look up one of them again. And what did I do? I looked it up. And let’s be clear: I’m 25 now. There’s no good reason at all why I should have looked that up. And I fell into the old mindset of imagining myself as the shota and having those acts done to me. and I feel complete shame. And disgust. This feeling is consuming me. Even though now my brain is telling me that I secretly liked it all along and that I do like it and that I’m lying to you all by saying I don’t. My immediate thought is to lock myself in my room and not come out ever. I don’t want to harm kids. I want to protect them from things like this! I hate it when there blatant sexualization of minors in media. I want pedophiles to pay for what they’ve done to innocent children. I want to be a mother someday. The kind that protects her children from this no matter what. But I’m just so worried about this. I want to back to how it was before I looked it up again and banish the knowledge of its existence from my mind forever. I feel like I should be arrested and put in jail so I can’t harm anyone. And what makes it worse is I feel like all the characters and people that I know I’m attracted to (ie Claude from Fire Emblem, Leon from Sword and Shield, Dan Avidan from game grumps) I’m not attracted to anymore, or my brain keeps trying to label them as minors when I know they’re not

Cw for Pocd and Semi nsfw? I am a 17 year old girl. I was watching porn and came across an ANIMATED video, when i first watched it i payed no mind to the characters in it. I recently saw the thumbnail again and thought "Holy shit these animated characters are mostly likely minors..." yet continued to click on it. Im very wary when it comes to watching x rated videos, if the video has the "teen" tag in it even, i click away. So why was it different with the animation I found. Theres no clarification that they were minors, but even if they arent, i proceeded to watch it with the thought that they may be. I didnt purposely search children. I dont derive pleasure from watching children be involved in any nsfw situation, it fucking disgusts me to hell and back so this is testing me apart. I would NEVER purposely find content with children in it. Did i think it was ok bc it was animated? bc it had no confirmation that they were children? i have obsessively searched for the animator and translator all of her comments. No sign of them being minors,everyone seems to love the video, so are we all pedos or is it okay. I watched the animation fir the actions not for the characters. I dont know how to reverse this or what to do and i feelnlike a disgusting monster.

Does anyone know a lot about hocd ?

So does anyone else struggle with this. It's white lies in relation to OCD. For example, last night my partner did something that triggers ocd in me. She went outside and touched stuff and then ) whilst I didn't see I almost 100% sure she didn't wash her hands as I heard her lock the back door and come straight into the living room. I shouldn't of done it but I asked did she wash her hands. She said she did. Like I say I k ow almost 100% that was a lie. Now I k ow she did it because she wants a quiet life, and she didn't want to get in an argument and not to distress me. I'm actually managing the fact that she didn't was her hands OK but now I'm runinating over her lying. It's making me feel like 'if she can lie about that what else can she lie about' and 'how do I trust her around my ocd ever again'. What do I do? I don't want to talk to her about it as she will get annoyed and hate that I'm accusing her of lying and will never back down anyway but I can't stop the rumination (it feels like anyway, until I say something to her). I do t want this to spoil our day but I've already lost sleep over it and runinating like mad this morning to the point where I'm get to g annoyed with her. Help me please.

Has anyone had success with mirtazapine? I have health anxiety so meds are super scary for me. I had a bad reaction to Zoloft, so I’m supposed to try mirtazapine next week, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it.

Guys how ya all discover you have ocd? And what was yours reaction? Let’s share

When someone comes to talk to me about ocd & want some comfort or words of understanding I like to be there for them... But I start feeling hevaily uncomfortable like I start carrying their worries and stresses, I start thinking and ruminating about their intrusive thoughts. When I'm online I can control it to an extent as I can choose when to stop reading a post and when to stop talking to someone, but in person or when I'm having a convo with someone I know I feel like I can't just leave, especially when they're having a hard time and coming to me for advice and comfort.

When does TOCD stop feeling like denial? When is this doubt gonna let up so I can start feeling like myself again? When am I gonna be able to look at guys I find attractive without my brain telling me I’m a trans gay man or non binary. I am so exhausted.

How to stop checking in on how you're feeling? I feel like I have OCD about my feelings if that makes sense lol. Like I cannot stand being slightly irritated, sad, angry, ANY sort of mood change and it spirals me into hopelessness again and I isolate in my room to cope. Any books, podcasts, videos, tips from therapy that are helpful please drop them here I greatly appreciate your help

Hey guys! Do you know if it's possible for one person to have OCD, adhd/add, autism/aspergers and bipolar 2? I'm almost sure I have it all but in Poland mental health awareness is so tiny that no doctor will help me. I'm not sure if I have it cause sometimes I think " what if I just have hypochondria "

I hate my life 😞. I never really foresaw this coming

I'm having panic through my whole body. It is 3:09 am. I'm terrified of not sleeping but my brain is spamming me with panic and self abusive images. What the hell do I do. I thought I was getting better but I feel like I'm dying right now

I can’t do it. My parents want me to attend mass this Sunday for my dads bday but I literally can’t. I hated growing up there and being forced to go for 17 yrs of my life. I have so many bad memories and just imagining being there again makes my skin crawl it makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t want to disappoint my dad but at the same time I don’t think it’s fair of them to ask me (an atheist) to attend a service that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Please read. I really need help right now... My OCD keeps pushing right back into the cycle with a vague impression of something bad previously happening and false memories, which has become a waking nightmare. After trying to shrug the thoughts off, it all returns with distorted renders of the past and terrible images that must be impossible. I need help, someone to talk to. My family is increasingly concerned for me or beyond frustrated. In fact, a couple family members do not believe I even have the disorder. This only worsens how I feel. I cannot talk about it with my friends. I try to hold in all together, but it’s becoming really difficult. I cannot work on anything I enjoy anymore. My favorite music is no help, unfortunately. I do not see my therapist until Monday. I’m having a hard time concentrating on being present. I did exposure work, which I now regret—greatly. I sometimes fantasize about dying, but stop at the thought of, “are you are willing to kill yourself over something that most likely never happened?” And, no, I haven’t given too much serious thought either. So please do not be too alarmed by that remark. I am now questioning every aspect of the past, my perception of reality, and who I am as a person, though. It’s three months, non stop. When will the suffering end? I cannot bare it anymore. I cannot live with the possibility of harming another person. Why must I be tortured with such horrific thoughts? Can someone please give words of encouragement or advice. Has anyone been here? How do I better myself? Is anyone willing to talk personally?

Anytime I am around black people the n-word keeps repeating itself in my head over and over. It’s so overbearing, it’s exhausting and the most insane part is that I’m a brown dude and I’m proud of it. It’s like I’ve got some internalized racism and I don’t know how to contend with it. I wish my inner voice were a better man.

My mind goes on and on with this thought that I might like one of my friend. Before I started having these thoughts I use to talk to her a lot we kind of are good friends but when I started having these thoughts my mond went on like "Why do feel happy talking to her" but that time I was psh I don't like her this is absurd a month later the thought hostaged my mind and I started to avoid her, I stopped calling her I stopped texting her, viewing her IG stories and I stopped posting to knowing that she might respond. My mind was coming up with intrusive thoughts and I wanted to stopped them, I didn't know about OCD back then and I wanted to stop them so I blocked her but I had to unblock her because I didn't have a valid justification and that she also called me to ask why I blocked her I made a lame excuse but that day I realised that it wasn't that hard to talk to her, i was for sure anxious but I was okay. It has been several days since that happened I still overthink but I don't avoid her now. But I am still afraid what if I liked her romantically what if I am attracted to her. I don't want to, I want be her friend nothing more than that and I don'twant to feel anxious and have sick stomach and heart palpitations. I started getting these impulsive thoughts 3months and now I have to go to school next Saturday after 9months in Pandemic, I am anxious what if I get attracted to her when I meet her, what if when I see other girls I get attracted them. What if she says something and I get attracted to that. Like shitty thoughts I don't want to feel that way

I read this article that said people who suppress themselves or in denial being homosexual can have ocd, anxiety and depression. So do I have ocd and anxiety due to being in denial and suppressing my true self?

What about obsessive thoughts about your partner being unloyal? How do you cope with them?

Hi guys, someone posted yesterday explaining the term C-PTSD and it's personality traits. Pretty much it was a black and white explanation of me and my whole life. It really shocked me and I keep thinking about it. Lack of emotional and external boundaries, taking care of everyone around me, fear of judging someone so ending up being around hurtful people forever, never setting boundaries or sticking up for myself.. 🙋‍♀️ I can see that this has always been there, since I was a child and what I mainly relate it to is my experience with my mother. I still live at home due to leaving university because my OCD overwhelmed me so much and my whole life broke down, I was not functioning. I'm still living at home unfortunately because I am not ready for work. I'm still in treatment for OCD. Of course ironically enough my OCD is moral OCD and scroupolisity. I have a really strained relationship with my mother, every day it is one of my hardest battles. I am a Christian and we are to forgive others, because Jesus has forgiven us with all of our sin against God. We are meant to forgive and love others, to be peace bearers and seek peace. These core beliefs really wreck havoic with me internally when it comes to my mum. How am I to forgive her? I blame her so much for the battles I struggle with. To put it really simply sometimes I just feel like, I am the way I am because of her! How she treated me and how much emotional control she has over me even as an adult. 😔 I feel that I am letting God down by my hatred towards my mother. I'm so hurt by her. and I hate how she treats my family, every day! I feel like a terrible person for my feelings, and so guilty towards God. also very lost as to how to process these feelings. Im typing this thinking... Why am I reaching to the internet to look for advice? 😔😑.. But this app is very helpful at times and people understand the nature of OCD. Bearing in mind my themes are moral OCD //being a 'good person' all the time so this is really hard for me to understand. I feel so confused, angry, hurt, sad, guilty, and bitter. 😔 Thank you for reading if you made it this far!