It feels like my OCD has latched onto something else now. All of the things I generally did on the internet in my teen years. It's always about my teen years since I guess I still am a teen.
The OCD is beginning to mainly target porn videos I watched and other horrible things I remember seeing whether it'd be on youtube, Twitter, instagram, facebook, and even adult sites. Or at least the wrong sites of all of those things.
Usually, when these terrible things come up, they are usually trending, whether it'd be someone dying, a crime, or something disturbing for the average person. I remember seeing things like these and being disturbed in the moment, but I was able to move on at he time. Now, everything is coming back. It's all hitting me at once. It's repeating left and right and I always worry whether or not because I've seen videos like those, it'll mean something about me or target my likelihood of things. Twitter had it the absolute worst. There I found someone being blown away by a shotgun, a hit and run from actual camera footage (I really don't know how people find things like these and I don't want to know. Even safe meme pages I follow now show things from cam footages in the outside world), beastiality, CP accounts, and worrying if I've seen damaging content on those adult sites.
With the limited knowledge I had when it was me and my porn addiction, I always assumed that content uploaded to porn sites that were accessible all had consent in them, besides the obviously illegal videos like ones with children in it.
I feel like a terrible person for being into porn for as long as I was. I feel bad that I was accidentally exposed by it. I feel bad that I felt like it was something people had to look at in order to fit in and understand what life would be like growing up. Most of all, I feel confused. I'm always confused about sexual things. I'm confused about my sex life, what I want in a girl, and I'm confused if it'll even happen. I'm also confused about all those videos I've seen. We're they all consentual? Legal? Safe for the people who participated? I don't blame viewers of material that can be scattered all over the place, but when it comes to flat out threathening videos and pictures that can be found behind the scenes, I blame the ones in possession to sharing non verified content, especially if they can get somebody hurt. But I'm feeling so awful because I may have watched people get hurt and not realized it until it was too late.
I'm not certain of the past or the future when it comes to these things. My OCD wanders like a roller coaster when trying to figure out all of the events that are real, fake, detrimental, life changing, or hurtful. But, I do know this: Browsing all of this social media is a both a bless and a curse. Much like life itself, there's a good and bad in everything. Nothing is perfect, as much as we want them to be. There's the mistakes, big or small, and there's the fulfillments, big or small. All I know is that continuing on, I don't want pornography in my life, and I don't want to try and figure out everything all at once. And that's okay. I just want my mind to let go. Let go of everything. Let go of the past. Let go of the worries. Let go of the predictions. Just to relax for once. I don't know where we'll all end up in the future, and that's fine. Only the present matters. And that's all we can control.
