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So I haven't been using this app as much as I used to. And that used to be every single day. I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not. I'm glad I'm not compulsively using this app every single day when I'm down, but I still really love to help people here. And I will say that I have friends here that I dearly appreciate and have helped me more than ever with their support. I do hope you all are doing alright and better than before. I'm kind of at the point where sometimes I'm over the things that I worry about in the past that did happen or may have happened, but regardless, I feel like I'll never be able to stop worrying about the things that have happened to me or the things that I did out of curiosity at a young impressionable age or stop worrying in general. When it comes to the things I did, I worry about the times I've sexted with minors when I was a minor myself. This is where the OCD all started actually. For a very long time I had trouble getting over this and forgiving myself for it. It may not mean anything to else, but it bothers me and it destroyed me when I first got caught with this horrible mental challenge. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't eat, wouldn't shower, and wouldn't do the things I normally do to enjoy myself. I always felt that there was no point if it meant that I've done these things in the past, even if I was much younger than I am now. And when my hormones were at its peak. Normally teenagers wouldn't be so pent up about sexting because it's indeed normal to sext with people your age. Everybody thinks that. At least, the people I talk to. But why do I worry about it? I honestly don't know. False memories tried to intrude when it came to this sexting with my OCD saying "You sexted with a minor when you weren't one" which isn't the case because I KNOW I stopped doing this when I was 17 because I didn't graduate high school yet. For some reason I still feel bad about it. :/ I also constantly ruminate about all the porn I've watched in the past thinking I may have came across illegal content at one point and didn't know it, which I don't really get anxiety about as much as I used to. Does that make any sense? I still worry about these things but normally it isn't as anxiety inducing as it used to be when I first had these thoughts come after me. Does that mean I'm getting better then? It's really complicated. I don't think I ever went out of my way to look up illegal porn and DEFINITELY MADE NO ATTEMPT TO DOWNLOAD ANY. The accidents I ruminate about most of the time is seeing things I didn't want to see while using the internet. This has happened on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and sometimes even porn sites which I gladly no longer visit. Twitter has pretty much little to no moderation so it's easy to see pretty horrible things on that app, even when you don't want to. It's disgusting and I never want anything to do with Twitter ever again. Instagram isn't user friendly either, mostly the host of sexual content for models and monetized people alike. YouTube, even while trying really hard not to have bad things posted onto their site and app, unfortunately still get ridiculously horrible things that people can come across unknowingly. I'll never understand how a playlist involving kids in a sexual context came up when I searched to look up 18 year old girls. I don't get it, and I know it's not something I wanted to see, but why do I spend every single day worrying about these things? Like, there's days where I'm actually worry free, but then other days all I do is worry. It's like my mind NEEDS to be worrying about something just so I feel, idk in a mood? I don't even know what it's for? This is a post that I needed to write for not being here for a long time. I hope everyone else is getting better. Friends, families, and even pets. I hope everyone is able to get through the day with ease and all that. I love this community. 💕

I’ve noticed from being here for a short while that there are endless posts from people suffering with sexual orientation OCD, a lot of the posts seem to be compulsions masked in “does anyone else?” questions, or no questions at all and just statements (which is ENTIRELY understandable considering the uncertainty and fear that the sexual orientation OCD theme causes) but, I’m here to outline a few things that I’m sure a few of you need to hear (from a recoverers perspective) 1. I know that compulsions (such as those associated with reassurance seeking) feel so benign and ineffectual, but they are feeding your OCD... A LOT. I’d go as far as to say that ‘reassurance seeking’ was the one and only thing that was holding me back from treatment. I spent so much time searching/asking whether things were ‘normal’ and the instant gratification I got from those pushed me further and further away from ERP! So, look into the nature of compulsions, locate what yours are and try and stop them as soon as possible, I promise you, you will not regret it in the long term. 2. ERP is gonna feel worse before it feels better. It forces you into the corners of your OCD that you’ve spent so much time avoiding - it will feel like keeping your hand on the stove when your reflex has always been to remove it - sounds counter intuitive, I know (but it’s not, you’ll see) 3. Milling through memories trying to find moments that either prove or disprove your obsession is a compulsion, and is therefore holding you back. When you feel that urge to search your memories, DON’T - sit in the anxiety, feel the pain and wait until you’re more comfortable to move on with the moment (this is gonna feel impossible, and should only be a short term fix prior to ERP, anything is better than a compulsion after all) 4. As someone who has suffered with severe health OCD since the age of 11, I know directly how much OCD can distort reality. I could not count on two hands the amount of times I have convinced myself that I’m seriously ill to the extent that the sensations of the symptoms manifest in my body - lymphoma was one - I started to feel exhausted, weak, pain everywhere, pain in my lymph nodes etc, etc. This goes hand and hand with sexual orientation OCD. I understand that this could be reassurance, but the feelings of ‘attraction’ and ‘groinals’ (we all know them) are not real indicators when in the framework of OCD, so if you’re losing hope, understanding this should encourage you into ERP. 5. And lastly, the way that you are living right now is not okay. ‘Just getting by’ doesn’t equate to being ‘okay’ - quality of life is HUGELY effected by untreated OCD. Don’t mistake short bursts of happiness as indications that you don’t need therapy (this was another thing that kept me out), you do. You need the skills that you learn from your ERP therapist and ERP to aid you if you ever experience a ‘relapse’ or a big spike in your OCD. Trust me, it’s rough at first, but everything gets better. It does. You’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be truly happy and at peace with yourself again.

(Not sure if this needs a TW but I’ll give it one just in case). I’m a little bit worried because I remember before I had HOCD (although it definitely feels like I don’t) I didn’t want a clear phone case because apparently only bi people had them (stupid ik) but that was before OCD and I still didn’t want to be thought of as bi. Surely this is denial because I wasn’t obsessing then but I’d get upset if I had any similar interests that were considered lesbian or bi. How is it possible for me to have OCD when I was like this before it? And why have I only just remembered? It literally has to be denial and the worst part is I’m not even panicking I just feel sad.

I’m having an incredibly difficult time concentrating on my school work. I’m in a very competitive program and I can’t afford to not be able to concentrate. Does anyone have any tips for how to get through this?? I feel like my brain isn’t working.

Does anybody else find tiktok extremely distressing? Like when people talk about comp het and like saying that everyone is a little bi or they feel bad for straight people etc. I just don’t want to be with a woman but am I really in denial and I actually do?

Hey guys! Trigger warning because I don’t want anyone to read this and adopt a new intrusive thought! So I’ve been struggling recently with something that seems pretty unique, and I could really use any help I can get with this thought. Basically, a little while back, I all of a sudden had this thought that nothing matters, because at the end of the day, we are all going to die anyways. Since then, any time I start getting really excited or if I start feeling depressed about something, that intrusive thought pops into my head. It tells me that there’s no point in feeling anything deeply because it’s not a big deal and life is short. I know some people might say this is a good way to look at things that stress you out, but it’s really really starting to affect me in the realm of things that make me happy too. I’ll get excited to move in with my bf, and then this thought pops in intrusively and I immediately feel nothing now. I’m struggling to start my schoolwork that I was looking forward to doing well on because this way of thinking tells me it doesn’t even matter to finish my degree and be passionate about it, because I’m just going to die someday and this doesn’t matter. The things that made me excited before, now don’t simply because of this very thought. Not to be dramatic, but this one thought has changed my entire mindset and is literally changing my life. I really really really need help with this. It’s causing me not to feel like I used to, and I’m scared for how the rest of my life will feel now that I’ve adopted this intrusive thought.😢

It’s really hard for me and my OCD to accept that I can feel envious or want to be the centre of attention without having NPD. These things can just be normal and I even read that they are. For me, I don’t even want to be the centre of attention, I just like it when everyone is kinda sharing the attention? Like not one person is the centre of it. But I do sometimes get jealous of whoever is the centre of attention. I know NPD requires a lot more than all that. But I just can’t shake the fear that I could have it. I did a test earlier and it told me I’m less narcissistic than the average person and then I did it again a minute ago to check and it said I’m a little more than the average person which made me super anxious.

I recently got a message from an old friend who I had talked abt my ocd with and she posted abt the stigma of ppl self diagnosing she sent me a dm after I commented under her post in appreciation for her words but she replied with saying “No disrespect but have you gone to a clinical psychiatrist or are you still assuming you have a mental illness. I just saw your response and I was a little confused because I know you think you have OCD and I didn’t want to embarrass you or anything” it hurt when I read it and until now the tears started flowing it’s so discrediting and hurts sm especially after I tried being patient and understanding with her back when we would hang out more often. Idk if it’s this incident or that I’m just emotional bc this is the first day I run out of medication bc I can only get prescribed free my my psychiatrist provided by the school until I go back tomorrow so I’ll be a couple days without taking medication?? Any advice on how to take this bc it’s been really triggering for me especially since it’s always been a fear of mine that I could be faking it when Ik I’m clearly not. I would never ever choose to wake up everyday and have to put up with this.

Hey, everyone. So I wrote this article to explain how I personally deal with my current subtype. I will eventually publish it somewhere, but I think you all should read it first since it may help some of you who feel alone in this fight: OCD. It’s something that most people akin to placing items symmetrically, flickering the light switch a certain amount of times, or washing hands religiously. But it’s also a lot of other things. Take me, for example: your average woman. I’m pursuing higher education, I have a lovely boyfriend, I write music in my free time and have a great future ahead of me. But it’s almost like sometimes I’m not allowed to enjoy that. I live with Sexual-Orientation OCD (or SO-OCD for short). I’ve been on this subtype for a little while now. Before that, it was Relationship OCD (ROCD), and before that, it was Health OCD. We have a term for this in the OCD world, coined “Pure-O,” which is a fancy way of saying that all our compulsions and rituals are mental – i.e., you won’t be seeing us counting steps or hoarding items. I wake up every morning not knowing how it’s going to be. Is OCD going to try to rule me today? Or am I going to have to show it who’s boss? Dreams, dreams, dreams! Ever have a subtype enter your subconscious so deeply that it starts infesting your dream world? Yes. Naked women everywhere in those dreams. Depictions of me doing sexual acts with them, or touching them, or looking at them. Yes, it’s very graphic – get used to it! OCD doesn’t play nice. It came to win. I get up from bed, skip the coffee because Lord knows it’ll make me jittery and moody, and I go straight for the cereal. I think, “Wow, it’ll be nice to sit down and watch the birds outside the window.” Wrong. Instead, it’s usually me talking to myself as though I’ve already beat SO-OCD, pretending to not be in the wasteland that I’m currently in. I fantasize about being able to help others who are going through it in the future. Then a thought pops in of me getting frisky and grabbing a woman’s butt – because, duh, that’s what OCD does. “You can see why men love butts,” it tells me, “I mean, they’re so round and plump and grabbable.” The trickiest part is that I’m not even anxious. Why am I not anxious?! I roll my eyes in frustration and look at my cereal bowl. This sucks. This really sucks. “Like, a vagina would taste really good, you know?” My brain offers its expertise in vagina studies. “Nah, actually I never used to think of that before you came along,” I say, defensively. “Well, yeah, but like… the taste and the texture and everything would be so erotic.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah, totally. I mean, imagine this super erotic picture of a vagina in candle lights and lace. Isn’t that nice?” At this point, I just shrug and ask my brain if it needs rebooted. It always declines my offer. “Hey, you know, you haven’t been reacting anxiously to your ERP lately,” it tells me in a matter-of-fact voice. “Yeah, that’s because I’m actually getting better.” “No way! It’s because you’re actually in denial and you’re getting closer to the truth.” *Insert white guy blinking GIF* “The… truth?” Oh, boy. The truth. That’s what it taunts me with. It wants to know ALL THE TIME. Is it true? Am I gay? Why did I feel aroused when I thought of these things? Is it because I am actually a lesbian? “No, I mean, straight women can get aroused at that stuff, too,” I say, in a meager voice as I try to defend my case. “HAHAHA, yeah, right. People just say that to cover it up. And actually, you don’t relate at all to those people online who talk about their stories. You haven’t been anxious in a while, remember? You can’t relate anymore so you come crawling back to me, remember?” At this point, I frown. I’m not even mad. A sweeping sensation of melancholy spills over me. “But… what about my boyfriend… I miss being able to be intimate with him without feeling off or awkward or uncertain.” I try to ask my brain to cooperate, but no can do! “Sis, it’s because you’re a lesbian. I mean, obviously. You don’t even look at him and think he’s attractive. I mean, you’ve been in denial for months now, remember when you thought you had ROCD? You’re actually just gay.” “No, I’m not. I don’t want to be. I want to be with him. I miss how it used to feel.” “You hated it back then, too, don’t you remember?” *Insert a rolodex of false memories* “No, I didn’t hate it. I just had pain from sex because of certain female issues I was having, and I’m still having them now.” “No way. You hated sex. You hate the male body. Don’t you remember that one article you read that explained that most women are secretly lesbians and think womens’ bodies are more attractive? Don’t you remember when she wrote that men’s penises are veiny and gross? Don’t you remember?” YES, I REMEMBER. PLEASE, JUST STOP. Then I cry. I cry for quite some time until blood vessels are popped, and I feel a dizzy spell coming on. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t gotten aroused by those random pictures of anime, you know,” said my brain. “But it’s not like I actually wanted to be a lesbian!” I cry in shattered tears. “Well, the truth hurts sometimes.” “You hurt sometimes,” I tell my brain, wanting to punch it yet simultaneously hug it, “you hurt me a lot, but I just want to be happy.” “I just want you to be happy, too.” “Then, let’s try to work this out again,” I offer. And for once, my brain agrees. I continue the exposures throughout the day, and I spend time snuggling with my boyfriend and enjoying a cozy evening together. My brain takes a break yet still questions my every move and makes me doubt myself, but I continue with my day with my head up high. And so, dear readers, it is as simple as this: I don’t have to search for an answer, and neither do you. The answer is that there is none. I wish you the best in your experiences and hope for peace and compassion in your life. I love you all with open arms and understanding. ❤❤❤❤❤

so i guess it’s that obvious to everyone that i’m gay....no one will respond to anything

Having a hard time with my ROCD. I know for a fact that I love my gf to death, but I’m so overly focused on certain physical traits I don’t like about her. I still think she’s attractive but I’m so stuck on this certain thing. It makes me feel bad, like she deserves better. I’ve been doing ERP and sometimes I feel good for a few days but it always comes back :( Just needed to vent a little

My ocd is so bad that I’m actually extremely delusional and I don’t know what to do. It’s all feelings and delusions now. I am really ill. I’m starting to think my ocd has stretched to psychosis it’s that bad. Is this possible?

Hi guys, So I’ve dealt with what feels like minor OCD / Anxiety almost all my life and it wasn’t until maybe 5/6 years ago that I had a few panic episodes that seemed to be unprecedented, and it took my quite some time to get back to a spot where I was “good.” For the past 3 years, I’ve been attending music university (as music is my passion), working as a teacher and traveling the world. My panic issues were pretty much gone, and I would rarely experience any form of anxiety from anything. Flash forward to now, the past couple weeks have been tough. I’ve been sinking back into these very unsettling states of anxiety, and the anxiety comes from the fear of losing control, or having a panic attack. It’s so hard for me to distract myself but when I do, I’m totally fine. My stomach has been in knots so it’s been difficult to eat, and I’m trying my best to keep it together, but I’m so scared that I’m going to lose my relationship, lose all of these opportunities I’ve worked so hard the past few years to obtain, and just regress overall. The anxiety comes in waves throughout the day, and usually between 6-8ish, it’s almost unbearable and then by 9, it’s gone and like nothing happened. I need help trying to keep these thoughts from occur, and more importantly not letting them take up like 90% of my headspace. It’s been tough doing things I love like playing instruments and talking to friends. However, my dad kind of forced me out of the house yesterday with him, and it helped, but as soon as I got back, it hit me again. I’m meeting with a therapist next Monday but in the meantime if anyone has any tips or tricks I could benefit from, please send them my way. Thank you everyone 💕

so basically...I got high and had a terrible experience I went from listening to religion songs for comfort with the paranoia to my friend (who is a male too) tried to kiss. I was mad then later I got aroused by it because marijuana increases sexual drive even if it’s the same gender. by the way Im straight. Thus, I had begun masturbating in front of him and claimed it was a test to see if he was gay or not then out of no where i controlled myself and lost the arousal. I was not thinking straight at all because of being high but this situation really triggered my hocd. Bow that i’m 80 percent sober i don’t feel some level of arousal even though before the marijuana I didn’t feel any attraction to him. What do I do?

if any responds to this, it would save my night. Just knowing there is someone there who understands. This past week my ocd has been worse than usually. My harm ocd is so terrible, violent thoughts and images fill my head and I can’t make it stop and the thoughts constantly are centered toward my family members. It’s so terrible I just feel like crying and I’m so heavy and empty inside. Does anyone else understand? Know what it’s like. All this fear and doubt. Are these my own thoughts? Why am I having these? Am I a psychopath? Do I want to do these things? And so on. I just want to scream. I’m so so scared and I feel sick to my stomach and I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now. Help me please

Is OCD Curable? It is commonly accepted that OCD is a chronic condition for which there is no cure. This idea is frequently used as an excuse for incomplete treatment, especially of compulsive rumination. Many patients who have completed ERP no longer do any physical compulsions but still ruminate. These patients are often told that the reason they’re not completely better is that OCD is a chronic condition, when the real reason is that no one has taught them how to completely stop ruminating. So, am I saying OCD is curable? Let’s answer that question with another question: Would you say someone who engages in absolutely no compulsion or avoidance has OCD? I would say they don’t. I would say that OCD consists of compulsion and avoidance, and that therefore, by definition, no compulsion or avoidance means no OCD. The counterargument I would expect is that this person would still have intrusive thoughts. But this argument falls apart when you break down ‘intrusive thoughts’ into (1) uncomfortable thoughts that occur to you, and (2) any engagement whatsoever with these thoughts — i.e., compulsive rumination. While an uncomfortable thought occurring to you isn’t controllable, this is also not a symptom of OCD; it’s a symptom of being human. And any engagement whatsoever with the thought is controllable and is a compulsion — and we said this person doesn’t do any compulsions. So would you say that someone who engages in absolutely no compulsion or avoidance — who sometimes has uncomfortable thoughts like all other humans, but doesn’t engage with them at all — has OCD? I would say they don’t, or at least they don’t right now. Thus, drawing a clear distinction between a thought occurring to you, and any engagement whatsoever with that thought, leads to the conclusion that a person can completely eliminate their OCD. So does this mean OCD is curable? Well, it’s definitely much more curable than people think it is. But if the word ‘cure’ means that something is permanently better, I wouldn’t say OCD is curable, because OCD will only remain better as long as compulsion and avoidance are completely eliminated. Consider the imperfect analogy of someone who gets their cholesterol under control by changing their diet.* Have they been cured? Only as long as they maintain the changes that made them better. While it might sound daunting, eliminating compulsion and avoidance does not entail an ongoing struggle. In fact, once a person sees that they have complete control over these behaviors, staying away from them becomes easy. This is why, in my mind, the goal of treatment is not only to eliminate current symptoms, but to help the patient see that they are completely in control of their behavior, including their mental behavior. That way even if they do fall back into compulsion or avoidance in the future, they know they have the ability to get back on track immediately. So I’m not sure whether I can say that OCD is ‘curable,’ but I know that it is possible to get completely better, to the degree that OCD is no longer a part of your life or even something you think about. And this is the standard that I think every patient and therapist should strive for. * The difference is that the dietary changes cause a change in the cholesterol, while the elimination of compulsion and avoidance are themselves the elimination of OCD.

Erp for real event please! I asked last night but it was pretty late

When I was 14 there was this instance when I was very much in the wrong and then turned it around and made myself the victim. I won’t say how but it wasn’t right. At the time I didn’t see how fucked up and truly manipulative that was. It’s hard to move on knowing I let that happen and that I was capable of that because it wasn’t right at all. And the fact that it didn’t phase me is even worse. I don’t know what to do now because I just feel so plagued by that (and who I was in general back then).

Hello everyone. This fall I plan to move out of my parents house and live on my own. I’m extremely nervous about this. I feel like when I’m alone my thoughts and obsessions and anxiety get worse, and also a lot of the times I’m in such a bad place I can’t drive myself anywhere or feel safe anywhere, so I rely on my parents and my friends to drive me places or I won’t get out at all. Is it a bad idea to move out of my childhood home if I can barely do anything without extreme anxiety? I just don’t know what to do. I know I can live here forever and I have to move out eventually, but I feel like I’ll never really be ready.

Can ocd trick you into thinking you might like the thoughts or that they don’t seem as bad anymore?