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the NOCD Community

So I'll be getting my covid vaccine within the next few weeks. This is hard for me because I'm terrified of side effects of literally everything, and I know that when I get it I'll be so anxious and worried that something bad will happen. I'm still going to get it, because not getting it would not only be avoidance, but it's also just a risk I have to take, as many others have. Anyone else struggle with side effects of things who have gotten the vaccine? How did you handle it?

How do I get over real event/black out OCD? I got a memory of 1.5 years ago. I memory I hadn’t considered since my OCD began. I had recently gotten together with my boyfriend who I am still with. I went out drinking with some friends at their house by myself (stupid I know) I remember the night up until most of the end, when I was with my friend. We were alone briefly, outside. Then I blacked out and woke up in my bed and in my house and didn’t remember how I got home, but I knew my friend had something to do with it. I remember talking to my friend in the morning and he just thanked me for coming over and I thanked him for helping me get home and that was that. I felt guilty for blacking out but never considered that I did anything wrong in that period of time. But I have cheating OCD, so I was worried during the black out period if I did something with my friend to cheat on my bf? I got so paranoid and I didn’t have any memory of any kind of inappropriate behavior other than drinking. Especially because when I get really drunk I fall asleep and fully “black out” . Otherwise I have some flashes of memory here and there. I was also trying to replay the memory (I know it’s a compulsion) and I was starting to distort the memory so I called him. He had assured me I was just passing out from drinking too heavily and he ordered me an Uber home and that I probably fell asleep in the Uber which is why i fully blacked out on the ride home. And that the only time he and I were alone was when he was waiting for my Uber to get me. His story goes along with everything I remember too. Combine that with that I’ve never cheated, I am not attracted to my friend, and I always remember some sort of sexual contact I have with others even when drinking. There are flashes of memory here and there. And that there was no physical evidence left behind of anything. My body was fine the. Next memory, no stains no bruises. Nothing. None of that was present. I know that reaching out was a compulsion, but I had to because it was a real life event that had the potential to be immoral and I feel a duty to pay for any wrong doing I could have committed. I know uncertainty exists, and I will never get 100% certainty on anything. This is the closest I will get to evidence of me not being a cheater. But how can I move on from this? I don’t want to confess to anything I believe I haven’t done. It’s not in my memory, witness testimony, or in my character. I’m just not a cheater. I know that is a compulsion and i will not rope my bf into my obsessions. But that urge is strong. So the question is, how do I move on from this? I want to be able to say “I’m not a cheater, I’ve never cheated” without feeling like a fraud. I feel like a garbage person for not having the confidence in myself and for having to reach out and use the memory of my friend to help me out.

Anyone else with HOCD have the compulsion of looking at women’s chest areas in pictures/videos/etc? Like a form of mental / physical checking to see if you’re attracted / aroused? I do this a lot and as soon as it happens I immediately ruminate and worry and think “I’m not even doing this as a compulsion. I must just enjoy looking there.” 😭

I have harm ocd, mainly about myself. I’m really scared of trains, because of the thoughts I get surrounding trains and harm. I have to catch a train back to my hometown tomorrow for my sister’s engagement party, and I’m kinda really scared. I know I’ll be okay, but it’s just making my brain feel mushy. Just putting that out there.

To my peeps with suicidal ocd... How do you let the thoughts be?? I find myself saying I don't need to figure it out yet ruminating on it all the same moments later. How do I let it go, OR how do I stop letting it rule my life like it has for the past year? And also, is it helpful to have the same routine every time the thought pops in your head, like the same thoughts or something?? It's been hard, but I'm still here, and I don't plan on going anywhere, but I would like to feel better, calmer, happier and less worried, I guess. If anyone could share their own tips with me, that would be great.

tw: pocd rant my pocd started out with an intrusive thought last year and now it’s developed into me having the worst guilt i’ve ever had in my life, depression, anxiety, not being able to sleep good, feeling like i am a monster, latching on to every child and saying i have a “crush” on them when i don’t, gronial responses that make me more anxious and refusal to leave my house because i am so afraid of seeing children....F OCD!!!! I HATE UUUU!!!!!!!! I HATE POCD SO MUCH!!!!!! I WISH IT WOULD JUST GO AWAY!!!!! ITS SO RIDICULOUS! i would never hurt a child and it knows that and tries to make me feel insane and put horrible thoughts into my head and no matter how much i am like “please stop!” it just never does, like when will this end i am so sick and tired of dealing with this horrible disorder and watching all my friends and family around me be normal and they must feel so great about themselves and i am over here trying to suppress intrusive thoughts and trying to calm my anxiety around children because my pocd is screaming at me!!!! i hate this so muchhh!!! ok sorry rant over...

I am convinced that I’m the worst person on this planet. I envy those people with real event ocd about something they’ve only done once. The case with me is that it became a habit that I didn’t know was actually terrible at the time. I hate this, I don’t deserve anything good in this world. I should’ve known better

I hate the fact that I feel like I need to look good and need attention :/ my theme is fear of being a narcissist so it’s hard to differentiate what is real and what’s exaggerated from ocd. I know I have a lot of empathy and I’m pretty sure they usually don’t, I also don’t like being manipulative. But it stresses me out so much how anywhere I go my mind goes “maybe they think I’m attractive” and tries to impress people. I even used to go on dating apps and stuff when I felt bad just to get compliments or wherever and then log off. I hate it so much ): It’s also so hard to differentiate becoming confident or having a superiority complex, I’ve always been so anxious and insecure that it feels weird to feel good about myself. I just wanna stop thinking abt it and know it’s not real. My therapists before told me that I’m not one but now that I found new information about narcissism I’m worried that they just don’t know enough about it Anyway there’s my vent thx (-:

guys this is so scary bc like I have all the ocd symptoms but my brain keeps telling me that I'm a p*do in denial and idk what I am anymore I'm just scared :(

Breathing OCD Hello I'm getting better at allowing the awareness but been concerned if I workout or do something strenuous that I will have a hard time letting go. Any advice.

I’m going to get re-tested for schizophrenia. I haven’t been outside in over a year. I hear dinging noises sometimes. Abs today I had earwax in my ear abs couldn’t hear clearly and I said to myself that irs like little elves in my ear. like who thinks like that? Then I said it’s stupid. Then the thoufht kept popping up and it’s like I was trying to convince myself it was real. Mind you I was straight out of finals and a long day or intrusive thoughts but I think I’m going batshit crazy.

Just did erp and had to stop after 30 mins (suds at a 5). I just can’t bring my anxiety down any lower and I feel like I can’t continue anymore. I’m so so sooo done with this, I’m putting in the work and spending so much money and I’m still in this position :( Maybe I should try meds

Anny memes on here?

I have hocd as far as I know and I have been close to coming out so I can stop the torment and the torture in my mind. In my dreams I hear people having gay dreams but mine are mainly with women and its like my mind is telling that I'm gay but my dreams are with beautiful women? Could anyone shed some light on this please ? 🙏

few weeks ago i developed this fear going crazy and i was having hypogogc hallucinations then i talked to a doctor and she explained me and i was doing so good but again now im anxious for some reason and i feel like im hearing voices. maybe they’re outside sounds but i get scared and keep overthinking if i actually heard it or nope. does anyone have a smillar experience and can u tell me how did u cope with it bc im so anxious rn :(

That's so interesting that when I got my sexual orientation ocd diagnosed I realized that I'd had ocd all my life but it'd been taking different forms all those years. It hit me when i read about existential ocd. My existential ocd started when i was 16 and it's been with me ever since. I'm 23 now. I never suspected that it could be ocd. I've had negative intrusive thoughts about the meaning of life, consciousness, I've also had labor crisis caused by existential crisis (I can't work because I'm scared to waste all my life working the job i hate that doesn't have any significant purpose, and also the idea to work to get money to buy food in order to work repels me immeasurably) and also inability to function in the society because of all these things. The compulsion I'm used to is saying "I wanna die". I say it so often that my friends and family associate the phrase with me. Sad. I wake up with these words on my mind, they don't actually even mean anything to me. They help me to deal with this life and go on. Because of this ocd I would learn for months 24/7 about psychology, philosophy, physics, quantum physics, religion and many more things to the point that i couldn't find any new information about interesting me topics. Then I got ocd over the fear of throwing up. I was so afraid of getting food poisoned that i would starve, clean everything around, wash my food with soup (lol), sanitize hands and cutlery many times a day, i would avoid places where i saw someone throwing up, or even wearing the clothes i had on the day I saw it. I would eat something and feel like i immediately got food poisoned. I had panic sever attacks all the time many times per day for a year. I don't know how i survived that, the feelings tho that I experienced back then are really similar to those i experience now with sexual orientation ocd. It ended thanks to i don't know who. I'm still super picky about my food tho, but not that much anymore. Because of that i learned a lot about human biology, psyche, and medications. Now when my friends or family members get prescribed some medications I most likely know what those medications are and can tell a lot about them. Then I had an obsession about learning English to speak like a native English speaker so it took me 3 months to learn it to the level that i got an English speaking partner without any problems. I was obsessed over small details I would feel extremely bad if I made a mistake. It came many times to panic attacks. Thanksfully it ended but I still watch tv series and read books and basically do everything in English. Habit. Gosh it's not the end. I'm so lazy to write so I'll make the next one short. I had an obsession with acne. I would burn my face with acids to get rid of acne, (it wasn't actually bad). My face basically looked horrible because of me, i would pick it and spend hours in front of the mirror. I didn't go outside at all and would learn a lot again about how to treat it. I know almost everything about skin related problems now and i know almost everything about skincare and skincare ingredients. My skin now is more than perfect because of a well established skincare routine and i advise my friends on how to take care of their skin and they are really satisfied with results. I got to college to study cosmetology because of that but I'll quit because of my existential crisis lol. The idea to be a cosmetologist kills me for some reason. It's not for me. So the idea behind it all is that it made my life. My OCD affected my life so drastically that it made me who I am now. It also made me learn things that I normally wouldn't on my own. It doesn't mean it's good or bad at all it's just funny. I want to be in control of my life. I wonder where the sexual orientation ocd will bring me to tho, I certainly know it will end too but i wonder what it will teache me. The only thing I know is that now I certainly need to take actions in order to gain control over my life and never let such things happen again.

Anyone struggling with religious ocd? I can help out with questions.

Hi there. A big trigger warning. I can't understand anything. I'm so confused about my sexuality that it makes me doubt my whole life and who i am. I can't understand anything because I keep asking myself the same questions about the groinal responses. What if I can't get aroused by trigger because I feel anxious and extremely stressed? And groinal response is a manifestation of it all? Is my anxiety caused by groinal response or my groinal response triggers the anxiety? The problem with that I was so fed up with all of it that i decided to act on it hoping if i got used to my triggers I would be able to see what was really going on with me. So I acted. I was alone and made myself watch adult videos basically, (i don't know what language is allowed here so I'll be extra careful), i didn't try anything with anyone and i don't feel like i even can. So I relaxed and tried to calm down, I felt fueld up by allowing the situation to happen in mixture with strong storm of anxiety, I couldn't get physically aroused so i helped myself. It felt great in the beginning (in mix of some panic on the background) but at the very end it felt almost painful, it felt physically horrible not because of the idea of what I'm doing though, my body did it on its own. I even got so surprised by that it scared me. After I felt super nauseous. I gave it another try in an hour and at the very end it felt even more physically horrible and near to painful. I can't get I feel that way because I'm stressed or because it's just unnatural to me what i do and I'm not attracted. The problem with my feelings and sensations they are so controversial that i don't understand anything. I thought it would give some clarity but it sends me back to the square one over and over again. It happened before twice with the same results. I really don't even mind anymore being anything, bi, gay, straight, pansexual, asexual but it all is stuck at the same kind of uncertainty as before and didn't move an inch. The only thing is that women haven't been triggering me any longer but Female-to-Male guys again have and I'm sure they will switch places again quite soon. I just wanted to break the cycle. I'm traumatizing myself more and more and i have no idea what to do, if I do anything about it it gets worse if I don't do anything it gets worse. I don't see a way out. I can't afford a therapist at all, i can't even afford food sometimes, even if i could I'm neither from the states nor the UK and can't get help here. I'm so exhausted.

Hi, Ive downloaded this app because I dont really have a therapist yet. But lately Ive been feeling so alone. In 8th grade(5 yrs ago) something occurred that made me develop contamination OCD fears and then I was taken to a therapist for a week or two by my parents. I somehow overcame it by sophomore - junior year. It was liberating! Then senior yr we got news of the Covid virus and it all came back. That feeling of not caring what I touch/ who touches me became a problem again. My parents never really understood it or wanted to. My dad doesnt really notice but my mom does and she gets angry at me for thinking this way. When I got Covid in november along with the rest of my family is when I started worrying more. I lost my smell and taste. The smell came back fairly quick, my taste around 3-5 mths. But ever since then I have a fear of getting it again because I might lose that again, and also I dont want to be cleaning everything in my house. It makes me feel like im listening to my intrusive thoughts instead of actually follow cdc guidelines after catching it. But as of this week what has triggered my OCD the most is that someone broke into my car, as well as my neighbors. But i just cant get over the idea this person might have had covid. I cleaned my side of the car the day i noticed, but then after doing so i thought “my car is a sealed space the aerosols are still in the air inside my car”, so the next day I open up the windows a few inches to let any particles in the air to get out. Because i know it stays in the air for 3 hrs, i left it like that parked in my driveway for 3 hrs, and decided to not ride it until 7-9 days pass so any droplets in the air that fell right back onto the surfaces could be gone. But i still feel like they might stay there because my car is a sealed space and will ‘disappear’ if i were to leave the windows open for that many days straight or disinfect everything including the passengers side and the back because i didnt before and dont want anyone catching it from the amount of droplets that may be on it. The day i cleaned my side my mom touched the trunk handle that i touched but didnt clean and i know she wasnt going to wash her hands and then touch every door handle, her phone, her sweater, etc. and put me in a constant state of worry even inside my own house. I really would like to go to an actual therapist again on my own terms, but i dont have money and my parents dont understand and will get mad at me, i dont really know what to do. I just want to overcome this. I havent even been able to make myself go up and hug my mom and family members for months after i caught the virus because i feel they dont follow precautions with hand washing efficiently. I love riding my car and now i dont even want to, thinking that each time I drive I will want to clean myself head to toe after being in it because i didnt disinfect everything again. I think maybe if i clean it again properly it will calm my fears but I dont want to give in to these thoughts making me feel like im covered in covid droplets, when i might not even be. Anyway, the only person i think of reaching out to that will listen and could help me get help is my older brother but i dont want to be a burden.

I feel down right now. I did an ERP on my own i watched a video by stanford lectures and it was a lecture about schizophrenia. I was anxious as hell but I stayed through the video. Today before that ERP video was rough idk what to do or where to start.