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the NOCD Community

Hi everyone. I wanted to share my story here and give some insight on my treatment of NOCD thus far. I am currently in my mid twenties. When I was just a kid in second grade, I had bad thoughts about my family (mostly my mom). I always had the image of my mom getting into an accident in my head and my teacher had to call home and tell my mom I was upset over this. I "needed" to make sure all was well. I also felt guilt as a child for other intrusive thoughts. After these thoughts went away, my obsessive thoughts slowly became about someone I liked.. or even just someone I was attracted to that I did not know. I became obsessed with them to the point I couldn't think about anything else. I daydreamed and wish the person would be with me, even if I didn't know them. I figured after years of dealing with this, I googled my symptoms. I came across something that is an unofficial diagnosis of OCD. It is called obsessional love disorder. Most of it hit the nail on the head but some didnt relate entirely. Wanting to control the person of interest, or even trying to get them to notice me or like me, even if I did or didn't know them. And if they didnt like me, my self-esteem would be shot. I felt hopeless like no one could ever love me. I called myself ugly so many times and doubted my worth over people I didnt even know. The compulsions are checking their social media, googling them constantly (figuring out everything about them) and most of all, ruminating about "what ifs" around the person. I would cry over all my "crushes" but never told a soul about this my entire life... until this year. After years of this being a secret, I finally opened up to my mom about my thoughts. It made me feel a lot better, and it makes me feel comfort there are people out there willing to understand OCD and our way of thinking. I decided to get treatment for it, because this is no way to live... and I know compared to others this doesnt seem as extreme but I also deal with some intrusive thoughts as well that involve anything under the umbrella of ocd. This treatment has helped me learn more about ERP and it is challenging. This isn't something you are going to be able to do right away, and I'm still learning how to do it. My therapist is an amazing human being and has helped me, even if at times it can be quite alarming to face these fears head on. I would recommend anyone dealing with OCD to try this treatment, or save money to do it. If you cant, I will say that the main concept is to accept the uncertainty of your thoughts. "Maybe that will happen, maybe it wont" It does help, but it takes practice and I'm still learning. If you are looking into other therapy or programs, make sure it is only catered towards OCD. I highly recommend NOCD. There is hope for you, and everyone out there with OCD. It has truly helped me. Dont give up.

i haven't been sure about anything lately but now i am pretty sure i am gay in denial. is this me or the ocd talking?

I was doing okay but am I becoming sucidal??? I just said I don't wanna live like this with these thoughts but it feels like Im gonna go die but I don't want to my heart is beating fast cause I'm scared I'll end up killing myself I don't want to but my mind makes me feel like I will. I don't wanna have the thought to kill myself! Am I depressed? Or just confused I know I was just confused like what if I never make it in life. Or is it my upcoming period making me feel like this?

When I watch porn i go to the younger category and think to myself maybe im a pedophille, i am trying to stop but i feel like i like younger looking men but am scared that pedophillia is attached to it, like what if one day i want more or what if this is what i like? Does anyone else go through this?

All of the sudden, I started thinking I don't like my partner anymore, it took me awhile to understand that love is not about feelings, but now that I don't stress about that, I started having intrusive thoughts about liking my best friend (a boy, and I'm a lesbian, or at least, I think I am...). Is this normal? I can hardly enjoy time with both of them, I spend all day thinking about I like him and I should leave my partner, but not to be with my friend, just to stop feeling that I pretend to love her. This is making my life hell, I can't imagine being with someone else than my partner, I literally want to die.

If I'm understanding ERP correctly, it's not doing ANYTHING that would help soothe you, right? In my case I'll have a thought > usually I'll have my husband check things for me, if no-one is around to check things for me, I'll say to myself (in my head or out-loud) "I would never do xyz" "I didn't even get up from where I was, if I did I would've remembered walking to and from" (just examples). These are all compulsions, right? So I can't even mentally soothe myself. If I'm going to do ERP correctly, how do y'all stop the mental compulsions?

Hi, I’m new here but wanted to take the leap and try this out. I have had OCD since about 4 years old. Right now I’m having a hard time and would appreciate hearing from other people who go through what I do to help me feel a bit better because I always feel like no one around me gets what I go through. I have been with my partner for 10 years with lots of crazy ups and downs, probably more than your average relationship. My fiancé used to be a heroin addict at the time we met, but for awhile I had no idea. Later on of course it came out because something like that is hard to conceal for a long period of time. Anyways, during the whole thing was traumatizing, he made horrible decisions but we were so good and compatible with one another when drugs weren’t ruining everything so he finally went to rehab to get better for himself, his son, & I after 2 years of having enough. He healed and did all the work and has been clean and sober for almost 5 or 6 years now. I was left though with a lot of trauma and OCD triggers and when we began our relationship again with him sober I was in a depressed state & scared because I was so afraid he would relapse and I worried and worried myself to death that our lives would go back to how bad it was when he was at his worst. Now I wake up every morning with anxiety because somedays I will have a hard time feeling while I’m with him due to depression or anxiety, I’m hoping, and I start to flip out that I might be falling out of love. I even had a therapist say “maybe you just need to accept it” not understanding ROCD. That caused me to have even more anxiety and be worse ever since. So just curious if anyone else goes through long stages of numbness or not being attracted due to depression, anxiety or OCD with the person your with. It makes me feel SO guilty all day everyday because I don’t think it’s my OCD, my brain keeps thinking it’s me and I fell out of love. :(

Well I think that’s it for me. I’ve been dealing with hocd for a while and these last two weeks have been the absolute hell I feel depressed and scared all the time. And today my worst fear has been realized, I think Im there is a valid chance bi. I am getting groinal movements and even almost full erections. I don’t want to be attracted to men I don’t want to have these images they make me uncomfortable and sick. I especially never want to ever touch another man in anyway but I guess I can’t control this anymore. I’m gonna try and get out of this but I’m just so scared and especially sad. Something always feels off I want it to just end man.

Any advice from someone who’s got passed the groinal response?

Does anyone ever get so fed up and confused that they get so confused with the idea of attraction? Like I’m sitting here thinking why are people even attracted to people? Why are my mum and dad attracted to each other? How do men like women and women like men and whatever else? I don’t know why my thoughts go like this sometimes.

so-ocd tw also sorry this is so long last night i was talking with a friend of mine who is a lesbian and honestly it was very triggering. she was explaining her internalised homophobia and stuff, and how it’s led her to resent boys because they can simply like girls without any judgement, but she has to be an ‘outsider’ (her words) for it. it was sad to hear. and it made me anxious. i get turned on by boobs and i won’t deny that. and i often feel very ashamed for it. i worry it’s creepy and weird and wrong for my friends. in addition to that, i begin to feel like i can’t be straight because of it. it’s like i see women as inherently more sexual than guys (probably because i was exposed to porn quite young and it became a little unhealthy at some points). i’m worried i envy my straight guy friends for liking boobs with no shame. on a whole other note though, i’m honestly okay with the idea of being bisexual. infact, as an exposure, i came out to my friends as bi in march. and they didn’t care at all. i don’t know for sure if i actually am bi. like i said, i find women sexually ‘appealing’ but i’ve always found boys dreamy and attractive. and i’ve always wanted to date or marry a guy. what hurts is i’m now scared im 100% lesbian and i don’t like guys. it feels like a huge part of me has been ripped out. and it’s like i just have to accept it, or be filled with shame like my friend is. another thing is that whenever i’ve kissed boys it’s really sucked. like it’s just felt super uncomfortable and unhygienic. so now if a guy wants to kiss me, i feel grossed out. then i begin to imagine a GIRL kissing me, and it feels clean and stuff? which i hate. this feels like definite proof that i don’t like guys. it just makes me feel so empty. two nights ago i was fantasising all day about my (male) crush, and literally all i wanted was to be next to him again. yet now i feel like a closeted lesbian. i hope it’s just ocd. thanks if you read :)

Has anyone watched Chuck?

Hi, hope everyone is having an ok day. I wanted to throw the question out there to see if anyone has shared this similar experience (yes this may be a compulsion, but I am desperate right now and don’t know where else to turn to.) So my main theme started as POCD a few weeks ago after learning more about OCD. I would have frequent HOCD thoughts, but usually disregarded them as POCD were more disturbing (weird, but true) and distressing to me in the moment. Now, within the last few days, my themes have changed to 85% HOCD and I am thinking about all sorts of things and then placing myself in jail for “committing “ these crimes. It is absolutely driving me bonkers and messing with my ability to function. I had a hysterical Crying attack earlier where I felt like this was never going to end and I was hopeless. P.S. I believe I have had OCD for many years, but it has not been this heightened before. Any advice or similarities? Thanks you guys.

Are there any ways that I can make sure that I am actually straight? I am not homophobic but I just hate it when I have the gay thoughts in my head. It is just not me. I feel like I am losing myself. I cried a lot. I was scared and depressed. Please help me.

So basically I'm on the brink of saying to my parents I'm not straight. But I dont feel like there's going to be any relief ?. I don't get it ?

Does anyone here have OCD and ADHD? If so, how could you tell you had ADHD and that it wasn’t just avoidance of stressors or compulsions mimicking the same behavior? I have contamination OCD and social anxiety but lately I’ve been questioning if I also have ADHD because I’ve been seeing a lot of mental health pages talking about their experiences with ADHD and I really relate to a lot of their posts. I want to bring it up with my therapist but I didn’t want to seem like I’m shopping for symptoms and he didn’t catch it before when I did the super intensive survey thing before I started my intensive outpatient program. But I am a female in my mid-20s and I was a “gifted-kid” (who is really struggling now) so I don’t know if maybe that is skewing the perception of me. Any advice? I am truly lost here.

How do people cope with a lack of support at home? One of my ocd themes is contamination and I sometimes have very very dry hands that are really noticeable and people will comment on them. My dad doesn’t really “believe” in mental illness despite all my diagnoses and appointments with specialists, I’ve been diagnosed with ocd for eight years now. He is very against medication and when I was taking it, he’d ask every day if I was still using it, would I ever stop taking it, when will I stop taking it, etc. so I just ceased it myself to keep him quiet and he was so glad when I did. Tonight he said that my hands looked awful, I need to stop washing them, I need to stop using so much soap. He’s brought this up many times these past few weeks but today I just burst into tears. I told him he’s not the one who has to deal with them, I’m the one who’s in physical pain every time I move them, that I don’t enjoy washing my hands so often, and that he never even tried to understand what it’s been like all these years. I’ve pretty much accepted that this will be something I’ll always struggle with. When I’m medicated I feel a little better, I can often challenge the urge to wash my hands but as I said he hates the idea of medication as well. I can’t win. I’m sorry for the lengthy post, I’m tired and sad and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve had the worst week at work and this has tipped me over the edge.

Does anyone else's hocd make them think like they want to be with the same sex?

When I have my obsessive thought I try to turn my focus on something else. Even If I manage to distract my mind, I still have the obsessive thought in the background, feels like its stuck in my mind. Is someone else dealing with this? How do you manage to "unstuck" ? I try to think sometimes of a comedian doing funny sounds everytime the thought gets in my guts. But I dont know If its good the replace the thought

I just want to rant about my struggles with OCD. Sometimes my thoughts are about harming me or someone else it's been my main freak out. Since for a week I can't stop seeing terrible images. I can't eat or sleep properly since it's been going on. I can't even draw anymore due to the thoughts. I panic so badly I'm going numb I start to feel emotionless until I obsess over my thoughts I feel my emotions come back. Since I've been fighting with myself to stop it. I feel like it's toxic around my family members since they have to put up with me and my panic attacks. I feel like my sister is giving up on me she's been helping me fight it for four years now. I don't blame here for wanting to take a break away from me. I'm at a state where I believe that I'm my bad thoughts that I'm lying to others that I'm not this disgusting person. That I'm a manipulator it scares me. I'm at a battle that I'm not. I don't believe it since for a few months back I was happy with better thoughts even though it was poking at me I had better control. Now I'm constantly freaking out and crying mostly everyday. I can't stop them making me believe that I want to be like this. I just want everything to be normal again I want to be happy the way I used to be. My imagination is no longer a place for me to be happy to being corrupted by bad thoughts. My interest in things I like or doing is also leaving me. I feel lifeless most of the time until I fixate on the bad. I also been pulling out my hair I just picked up this habit a few days ago. When I had my first panic attack about bad thoughts I never done this. It seems to get worst over the years. I don't want to be stuck like this I kept trying to move forward but I keep getting trapped into this endless cycle of darkness. I had good thoughts I was being motivated by them but in a few minutes I started to worry about the bad again. I can't get help by an actual therapist since I'm poor and can't afford the treatment here, every place that is near me aren't accepting new patients. I can't go out of town to get help since it's also too expensive. I feel trapped, allowing this to lose my goals that I want to achieve in life. Sorry if this is too long or repetitive. I feel a little better typing out my thoughts.