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the NOCD Community

You know sometimes I feel really lonely. Even with this app and another chat for some reason when o spiral I can’t really find someone to talk to until I feel a bit better. I understand that everyone has their lives but I wish I had a friend that knows what I’m going through and that I could call and talk to about all of this. I feel alone.

Hey guys, I’ve been going through a really bad bout of Real Event, surrounding porn I used to watch as a kid and other gross stuff I’ve done, worst of which was when I was 12-14, I’m 19 now, and I’ve confessed everything to my family and best friend, they’ve all told me to let it go and to forgive myself. I was really anxious, but I’m happy they know it all now. I was talking to my mom more of my anxieties when all of a sudden, nothing felt real, I just talked to my mom and told her that I don’t feel real, and that it’s like I have amnesia, I don’t remember much of my past now, I’m also have false memory of watching things like cp, when I absolutely know I haven’t, my past feels so blurred. Even everything I did earlier today, I can’t remember to much, I feel really, really odd. It’s like I went blank. Has this happened to anyone? My life doesn’t feel real. I feel calm but on the edge at the same time, I felt like I wanted to pass out, but not anymore, I’m still just really confused. Please help.

//mention of possible contamination ocd and not eating regularly warning this is a huge post lol i tried to resist posting something on this app but ive bottled up too many things for far too long 😭😭🤠🤠 so uh i dont really know if i have some form of contamination ocd or not. i keep seeing stuff about erp and avoiding reassurance and stuff but i dont really know what else im supposed to do to fight off the Bad Thoughts ™ i feel like i dont have the willpower to expose myself to my fears on purpose right now. and im not currently in therapy and i dont know if we even have the money for that right now im feeling really anxious lately and i dont really leave my room or eat and drink often anymore because im scared of contamination. im not really worried about getting sick though i just dont like touching or being near gross things. im typing this post in anguish because i left my bedroom to find that there was cat poop on the floor in the living room and i feel like i need to shower even though i didnt touch it or anything, i just didnt shower and went to bed to type this so im wondering if my bed is contaminated now. im also slightly worried about the food i ate since it was in the living room for a short time. Eating food that was delivered to our house makes me nervous because i haven’t found out how to clean our patio/ front door area off so i can feel comfortable again. I feel the need to clean that area because we live in an apartment so thats where the cats nasty litter box gets cleaned out and uh yeah ew. ive tried cleaning up the cats litter box in the past at least once a day but i usually had trouble maintaining that because of my fear of germs combined with not scheduling my day properly. when we got the cat we agreed that me and my twin sister wouldnt clean the litter box because that stuff grosses us out too much, but everyone stopped cleaning it regularly and only emptied it out once a month and it started driving me crazy so i tried to clean it but yeah that didnt really work out. I feel like i cant really live with pets at this point in my life, like i cant even touch the cat and i sanitize everything that the cat touches because i cant remember the last time she was bathed, and i dont think i have it in me to bathe her myself. Getting rid if the pets is out if the question though and also i would be very sad if that happened, i still love them even if i cant really hang out with them these days. My mom also has kind of become a walking contamination ocd trigger for me, so i dont want to touch anything she touches if i can avoid it, which is a huge problem considering we live in the same house and she touches pretty much everything as one tends to do in their own home. I feel like im starting to be too controlling of my sisters and mom because of the contamination fears, but i dont know how to stop. i dont have my own money so i have to rely on my mom if i want to pay for therapy or something, but i have a feeling that wont really turn out well since theres so many other expenses we are behind on. at this point i dont really know how to function like a normal human being, much less clean up after pets and stuff. im stuck in my house all of the time so that makes it even worse, although i did recently apply for a job. I want to move out really badly and i feel like thats the only way to really solve my problems, but i am extremely broke, and theres also the problem of having no idea how to pay for college. if i were to move out id probably want to throw out as many belongings as possible because they would be associated with how disgusting my current living situation is. i had something similar to this before, but it wasnt as bad as it is now. I started having fears like this when i lived with my dad every 2 weeks. After my dad forced me to do something i was uncomfortable with, i started thinking differently and started washing my hands more, as well as associating thoughts with the distressing event. I was able to recover after we stopped living with him and I was fine for a while, and i started doing more chores and stuff and my mom was pleased with me, but i feel like i relapsed into that past mindset in a way and now every day feels like a struggle and i dont really do much anymore other than laying in my bed. honestly this is more of a vent post than anything else, i dont know what im expecting for this post, sorry for the atrocious grammar. i realize this turned into an essay that kind if goes all over the place and is probably hard to keep up with lol sorry about that

I had a very vivid intrusive image last night about my niece (11) after reading a romance story that was pretty bad and it really freaked me out because I got an intrusive thought immediately after saying something like “that turned you on didn’t it” or “your turned on aren’t you” and I immediately started bursting into tears telling it to go away. I hope it isn’t true. I feel sick. I dont want to be a monster and I don’t like it but unfortunately when I try to tell myself that, it feels real and that I’m in denial. I feel so much shame and guilt. I’m supposed to hang out tonight with friends and family and now I don’t want to because I feel like I don’t deserve to.

Is OCD my fault am I doing something wrong in life? Like I am a little sensitive and get irritated easily...is that y I have OCD is OCD purely serotonin imbalance or my behavior is the cause of ocd

I feel like I’ve done something so unforgivable I hate this so much I wrote a post talking about how I had the urge to masterbate after looking at my kid so I did and now I feel horrible the whole time I was trying to think about normal things but intrusive thought kept popping in my head I am so scared right now and my anxiety is through the roof I feel like the worst person on earth I want to just end it..

I hope someone's here for me. I'm at an extreme low. Passing thoughts of suicide exist. I don't think I'll act on it, I just don't know what to do. These past 5 months are enough for me to know what kind of person I am, and it's not good. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. A lot of my friends are telling me I'm a narcissist and too rude with my humor. One of them advised that I should isolate myself from them until I learn to be a better person. Any joy I feel is undeserved. The shit I've seen because of this illness. There's things online that I think I've seen for a couple seconds that's genuinely incriminating. So why is there any compassion? Why am I here? Considering that back in July I'd look up bikini gifs on tenor to make sure I was straight, some of those gifs were tik toks. What if those people were underage? I can't bare this. My parents say there is nothing to worry about but they're liars. I don't wish this upon any other 15 year old. I am not a good person.

I keep having this pop up and it’s really bothering me and making me feel bad for a thought I had before my ocd came in bc it was Intentional :( and I feel like that’s proof that I really am a p… I just hate that I thought that but it feels like I’m those pedo who like it and feel bad bc they like it :/. And I’m not even sure bc I felt no arousal and idk the more I try to explain the more disgusted and bad I feel bc It feels like I’m making excuses abt when I feel like idk like that’s bad yk and idk it felt more like a compliment but I still feel like it was creepy and that I’m going to be like my abuser :( that way bc there can be p’s that don’t do anything to a child or just able to control themselves and not do anything and I don’t want to be that way :( I just feel like a terrible person and really feel like I’m becoming something I don’t want to be I feel so exhausted of this and im trying everyday to talk to my friends have a good time make memories but this is making me feel like im getting no where when the thoughts like this are the background just haunting me and thinking abt the future.. and im scared of saying the wrong thing abt these things bc now it’s my mind doesn’t care or it agreees to the opposite of what that person is saying abt a topic like that and I just feel so lost in identity like I’m kinda scared abt that :(, I hate this

I hate myself for being like this. Does it ever get better.

I tried some ERP and it’s sent me spiralling a bit. Now I’m convinced I’ve only ever been into women and have just been in denial. I know I’m supposed to be ok with uncertainty but I’m in a relationship with a man who I love so much and so I feel like I need to know. This is awful.

Guys I need your help. I am 20 and going on my first date tonight. I have never dated anyone or kissed anyone before and I am terrified!! I have social anxiety so that has lead to me never dating but now I met someone I like and we have been hanging out and now we are going to go to a festival and then watch a drive in movie in his yard. I feel like I'm about to die from anxiety. He has had at least 2 girlfriends so I know if he kisses me it won't be his first kiss and I'm so scared. What if he kisses me and I'm bad at it and he doesn't like me anymore. I am an awkard person. I am not sure I can do this

My sister who doesn’t have ocd believes that ocd could be a good thing it’s just that we suffer because we live in a modern society. I keep trying to argue with her but I’m not getting through. It just feels so invalidating, in any society or social system ocd would be the same because it’s our brain latching onto intrusive thoughts, creating an obsession and doing compulsions to neutralize distress. She really believes that the anxiety people with ocd experience is a “product of modern society’s rules”. 😑

Any tips on getting over the urge to find someone with the exact same ocd theme/experience as you? I’ve really struggled with this recent flare up as my fear doesn’t really fit within the parameters of one theme like it has in the past - it’s a combination of fear of being aromantic, sexual orientation fears, doubting if I actually want a relationship, if I’m capable of romantic love, obsessing over my attachment style - all related to the overarching fear that I’ll never be able to be happy in a relationship and will be single forever (right now my mind is whispering, maybe you would be better single forever!). But I keep searching for reassurance it’s ROCD but I’ve never been in a proper relationship so struggle to relate. Don’t want reassurance - just tips for exposures and acceptance of uncertainty.

I feel like this is no longer OCD. When the ROCD followed by the HOCD started I was so certain of what was me and what we OCD. Now I keep finding guys attractive and it makes me anxious. I’ve been trying acceptance but yea it makes me less anxious but it also makes it all seem very real. I feel really uncomfortable in my relationship. I’ve gone from a few days ago being really intimate with my girlfriend to now getting anxious even at the thought of sex with her? It’s worse when I wake up as well. I feel like I’m just ‘in the closet’ now whereas a week ago I knew this was just OCD and it allowed me to enjoy my relationship. Now it doesn’t feel the same

I feel so guilty for the intrusive thoughts especially when they come up at the wrong times like I mentioned earlier about when they come up during the m word. I feel so bad. I feel likes it’s all my fault. I should of known better and knew what I was getting into. I hate myself and I feel like I don’t deserve things like food or happiness. This sucks 💔

Idk how to word this, but how do you think of or interact with your partner without triggering obsessions? I feel like my anxiety is getting to a point where I’m just triggered by even the thought of him and it makes it difficult. Idk how to stop the cycle once it gets to this point and just wondered if it made sense to anybody else?

This is not for reassurance - it is intended to keep me going. Anyone who has went thru the “journey” of experiencing SOOCD & ROCD. How’d you overcome it? What was your journey like?

I'm wondering if I should even be doing this because I have had bad anxiety all day today and since I got home from vacation last night. I had anxiety while on vacation also, but not as bad as now. I don't want the motel to be a trigger for my OCD'S. I'm not sure what I should be doing.

No one gets back to me on here anymore..... makes me think I'm an acception from everyone else. I feel lost 😞

The thoughts feel quieter and I feel calmer but they are still there. It makes it feel so much more real. But I can also kind of tell it’s ocd. I feel normal but weird