Welcome to
the NOCD Community

i have a crush on this guy in my grade, but my brain keeps reminding me of this other guy and its making me really u comfortable

Im really anxious , i feel like i have an attraction towards a cousin relative of mine , an i know ill never act on it but im freaking out . I try to jus forget it but whenever it pops up i feel disgusting like im so anxious , to make matters worse i have a partner and its giving me urges to tell my partner , an im freaking out. I dont like this , is there anything i can do to fix this or sooth my nerves

I love my bf, he’s amazing, but there are certain things that I’m really struggling to get over and I’m genuinely starting to think it’s not ocd (for context I’m not diagnosed right now). He’s super great but one thing that really bugs me and stresses me out is the fact that there are times when he sounds really whiny like a child, it’s not even that he’s doing it consciously or with the intent to whine, sometimes he just sounds like a child. And because it’s not something he’s doing intentionally and sometimes it’s just the way he sounds, it’s not something he can necessarily change, and I don’t want to constantly be picking him apart every time he does it. But it’s brings me so much stress and anxiety because it’s kind of a turn off for me and I’m worried that if I don’t like it that means I don’t like him and I should leave. I don’t want to have turn offs, especially because he’s so amazing, but that one is. And it’s worrying. I’m worried I’ll always be bugged by it and it’ll only get worse. But I love him and I don’t want to leave. But in that moment it feels like I’m turned off and annoyed and concerned at the fact that he sounds and acts that way, and it brings be so much stress. I feel like I catastrophize little things. I worry that if anything is a turn off I should take it as a gut instinct. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, and so mentally exhausted. And I don’t want to hurt him with my thoughts and feelings. Please help.

I'm worried if people knew my past, especially my partner, they would all leave me. My family, my friends, the love of my life. I remember what I've done, and false memories just make it worse, make it feel like I need to confess to things I can't remember details of, that I'm not worthy of forgiveness and love, and that I'm loving a lie every day I wake up. Some days I can live beside it, other days feel impossible. We want to get married, but I feel like I'd be doing her a great injustice if we did. I just don't know how I can live like this.

I love my bf a lot (at least I think so) but I really struggle at times because I obsess over every little thing he does that I find weird or cringy or annoying or unattractive. a lot of times I’m just blowing things out of proportion. But the problem is, sometimes these thoughts don’t feel intrusive, it’s not like my brain is telling me something is annoying when it isn’t. There are definitely times where he does do things that I cringe at or feel annoyed by, or I just have this weird feeling of being put off. And those are the things I obsess over. So now I’m worried. I’m not sure how to describe my thoughts and feelings, I guess it’s more that something he does will trigger me (i.e. he does something weird or cringy or annoying) and I respond (i.e. thinking and feeling weirded out, annoyed, or cringing) and then all I focus about is the weird things he did and the fact I feel that way about them, and I start obsessing and playing over the situation in my mind, and I worry that his actions will make me not like him entirely, and I start putting him under a mental microscope, picking apart everything. And I worry that me not liking those things is bad or wrong or it’s a sign I don’t like him. And I don’t know how to move on, because my brain wants to like everything, but it can’t, and it can’t move past that, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over all these thoughts and feelings and I worry that it’s not OCD because it’s not necessarily entirely intrusive and idk if it’s bad to feel this way, and even if someone told me it wasn’t bad to feel this way, I would continue to worry that I just don’t like him and or that I wouldn’t be able to handle those “flaws” forever.

So me and my boyfriend have been to a wedding this weekend. He was all dressed up in a suit and looked incredible. My ocd was veey mild for the whole day and I couldnt take my eyes off him. It made me get excited about one day getting married to him, and all our friends at the end of the night were joking we would be next as we have been together for ages. All today I have been joking and talking to him about when its our turn what we want etc at our wedding. This evening suddenly I feel like my ocd is really strong. It is saying I dont wanna be with him and Im actually gay so cant marry him. Its horrible - I was so happy with how yesterday went and this morning talking about weddings was lovely. Anyone else have this?? 💗

Hey guys, just wanted to introduce myself my names Matt. I was first diagnosed with ocd at the age of 14. I am 29 years old currently. I really had it bad for awhile then I got out of the hole and saw the light. Now I feel like I'm back in it. I've been inpatient at ocd facilities like mclean and Roger's. I consider myself very fortunate and that's where part of the guilt comes in for whatever reason. I've been supported a lot of my life especially when the ocd was really bad and I couldn't function in society. I got back on my feet but recently experienced rocd for the first time. The fear it instilled in me..im struggling massively at the moment. I find that the intrusive thoughts come in and have a strangle hold on me and the sadness and emptiness that follows. I was diagnosed with depression but its hard to come to terms with it. I feel that the ocd is just so awful now. I have experienced a couple sub types in the past..a big one being harm ocd and health related ocd..contamination to a degree. I used to reread when I was in school and that was hell in itself just trying to chase a feeling of perfectionism. I've done ERP plenty of times in the past but ceased the therapy as I got better. Now I'm seeking therapy through nocd which I've never tried before. I really hope I can get myself on track because it really feels like the weight of the world is on my back. I want to pursue music as it's always been an important tool for coping and connection. I can't explain how it makes me feel it's just amazing. I've been working on my vocals but there are so many barriers right now. I feel so sad and I just want to isolate myself. It's up and down emotionally. I'm adjusting to medication that I discontinued awhile ago and now I'm back on it. It's a slow grind. I literally feel like the stress at work is becoming too much as I'm essentially caring for others when I can barely care for myself right now. I work as a life coach with individuals diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder. I know I'm really bouncing around here on all of subjects but I feel like the more and more I speak up about my diagnosis and spread awareness of ocd the more I'm feared of being misunderstood. I think it's truly another "what if" ocd fear. It is so hard to get a grip on the ocd because the rumination is so bad. To be honest it's hard to open up about ocd in general. I just keep thinking as a male I have to keep it together and I shouldn't be emotional that it's weak. I feel like I was fed that before in my past. I honestly appreciate having a community like this I'm grateful. It's so odd I just want a big hug but at the same time it's too much to be that vulnerable.

Hello. This is my first post and it’s going to be a confession of sorts… I was recently diagnosed with OCD and it has been really clarifying, scary, and confusing to navigate alone. I am also going through a lot of changes in my personal life. I recently graduated college and I am currently healing from a very difficult break up with my partner of 4 years. I don’t handle uncertainty or change very well so this period of my life has been super stressful and uncomfortable. My recent diagnosis and break up have taught me a lot about myself. I first realized I might have OCD because my mental health and— what I now know to be compulsions— became so destructive to my physical and emotional wellbeing that I actually began googling questions about repetitive self mutilation. The first result was something about the link between OCD and self harm. There were some examples of what compulsive self mutilation can look like, and it strongly resembled the things I have struggled with my entire life. For me, self mutilation is the compulsion I struggle with most. At times it has been incredibly debilitating. From there, I became obsessed with reading into OCD (I find this pretty ironic and funny). The more I research about it the more it resembles the things I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I realized that the overwhelming guilt, shame, and anxiety I feel constantly are not the consequences of being a bad person, but rather the symptoms of OCD. It feels super validating to learn that the inner turmoil I’ve struggled with my entire life is something other people experience and is actually treatable. I started working with a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD and ended up getting formally diagnosed with moderate to severe OCD. Since learning this, I am beginning to understand myself in an entirely new light. It has in no way been easy. I hit rock bottom and— just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse — I hit an even lower rock bottom. I’m not saying this out of self pity or to try to fish for sympathy, I’m just hoping that I can make someone struggling with a recent diagnosis feel less alone. I have felt very alone in this journey even as I learn that many people struggle with similar things. I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I am actively seeking treatment and I’m doing what I can to manage my OCD. I’m really grateful for this platform and I am relieved to know that things can actually get better. I think the next step for me is to start ERP therapy, but right now that sounds really scary and exhausting. Even so, I’m quickly warming up to this form of treatment as I research about its effectiveness. Everyday I discover more ways my life has been impacted by OCD. It’s very painful to realize that the overwhelming shame I feel about my obsessions and compulsions has actually been the reason I’ve lived the first 23 years of my life undiagnosed. My diagnosis has also shed new light on my past relationship and has helped me sort through some of my emotions in this healing process. … To anybody who actually read this whole thing: thank you. If nobody read it then at least I got this off my chest. I would really appreciate any advice on navigating a recent diagnosis and seeking treatment.

Hello community, I am struggling with a wash of lightning speed intrusive thoughts that occur when I have to interact and before I interact with people- mostly that I care about. Thoughts like- everyone wants me to be good, I am not good enough, I must perform, I can’t relax around people, I can’t be me because I am bad, I can’t trust myself to be good and liked, I must be more like my sister ect. It causes me to become hyper aware of my mouth and the sound of my words, I feel like I end up holding a wall up over me, I feel like I don’t even know who I am or how I would wanna be because the thoughts overwhelm me. Does anyone else experience this type of thing? And what has helped you? I can’t afford OCD therapy but I am so fed up of feeling so alone and hiding in my body. Thanks for reading

Is it normal ? My boyfriend has rocd he used to not be able to look at girls but now he’s having a wank over my sister ?? Told him to stop it and he’s done it again after everything he’s put me through with this rocd which I know isn’t his fault but 3 years of hell and I have been expressing my mental health is bad last couple days and he goes and does that when I told him to not ever do it again am I in the wrong for being mad he keeps saying most boys would do it and he felt an urge to

My ROCD has been super prevalent lately. This is kind of hard to explain, but a recent thought I can’t seem to shake is the fact that I could be just latching onto the fact that I have ROCD/“making it up” to avoid “the inevitable” or “my real feelings” meaning a breakup/ that I don’t love my partner. So like intrusive thoughts about the OCD itself if that makes sense? Kind of meta LOL - Has anyone else experienced this?

this is non ocd related but I really need to vent. I talked with this guy for a month and some days, every day, shared a lot of deep convos, i ended up catching feelings even tho I said that I wasn't going to because he's from another country, last sunday, he told me he still loves his ex, and that's okay, but ofc I had hopes and I was heartbroken, I tried to comfort him best as I could, but next day I decided I needed to move on ofc, and told him I catched feelings so it's better if we just talked from time to time, because I really felt like shit, I really liked him and idealized this wonderful story with him. I think he's a great person, and I never actually felt like this for no one, that was nice to know, that I could feel love so deeply, I really wanted it to be him yk, or at least the idea I had of him. I tried not taking it personal, because he's a human too, he makes mistakes, so when he was dry, when he treated me one day like I was his dream girl and next day like he could care less about me, when he hid the fact he was actually waiting for someone else, I didn't take it personal. Yesterday, he asked me what did he do wrong, why did I decide to stop talking to him, I decided to be completely honest and told him how it makes me feel, how I wish I could take my feelings off the table to be his friend (because he really doesn't have friends, he's alone, that's why I don't wanna hurt him), he didn't reply to my text explaining, I thought, that's okay, this is the end, at least I told everything I had to say. but today, he sent me a video about finding his ex on tinder, completely ignoring my text explaining how I feel of yesterday, and when I told him, what do you expect me to say?, he said "idk, I don't have anyone else to share stuff with", all I said was, you're being selfish so I'm gonna be selfish too, rn I'm not available for you, and blocked him, I know I took the right choice, but I feel so bad, I feel like he used me, like he never cared about me, and that sucks, because I really thought we connected, was it just me? he never really felt anything? I'm so sad, I feel humiliated and disappointed, because everytime I did something I thought about how he was going to feel, and he doesn't care at all about making me feel bad

I struggle to think of ERP messages to anchor myself to when trying to avoid mental compulsions. Anyone have any to recommend, especially in regards to ROCD fears and moral scrupulously?

I need help, please. I cannot stop ruminating and I'm still not getting medicated, and that's the onlu way out I can see right now. I cry everyday out of distress, I feel sick, and I force myself to get arcades so I really feel that I'm not attracted towards women. It’s torturing me, I cannot take this anymore. It makes me think that the slightest thing I notice on a woman means that I'm attracted towards her. And it also makes me obsess over certain people which I found something interesting in, and tries to make me believe that I like them, it's disgusting, sickening, draining. By the way, I have a boyfriend, and I love him, so this makes everything worse. This all goes against all my values, morals, everything. It makes me look for things that happened in the past and alters them, and makes fake scenarios and tries to make me feel as if I'm actually attracted and it makes me suffer a lot. It takes almost my whole day, and it starts over and over again every time I wake up. I'm going insane, please, I just need to get rid of this. I cannot find any reasons to slay alive other than my boyfriend, I could never break his heart, so this is really making me feel like a really bad girlfriend and a failure.

I love my husband very much. I feel at peace when I’m with him and I like to make him happy. But ever since the soocd kicked in, I can’t stop thinking about whether im an imposter. What if I’m actually not straight and this whole time I was just going by what society told me was right - liking guys. What if when I was little I forced myself to crush on guys because my dad is homophobic? I had a sexual dream with another girl and it was like if I could control my actions and thoughts in the dream and I didn’t stop myself. That scares me so much. I just don’t want to hurt my husband in the future if I ever figure out if my true self is not who I thought I was. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s truly ocd or denial but it consumes my thoughts alllll day!

Hey yall. Some back story: I have had OCD since I was a young child. It manifests as compulsive behaviors, a LOT of intrusive thoughts, relationship ocd, harm ocd, and contamination ocd. I also have PTSD due to having been abused and neglected (I nearly died of scarlet fever as a child). On the first day of 2020, shortly after becoming a single mom, after a year of complaining of constant, heavy periods, bloating, hair loss, exhaustion, and abdominal pain, it was discovered that my uterus was bound to my bowel and kidneys- a complication from having two back to back emergency c sections. I had a complex vertical abdominal hysterectomy in the height of the pandemic and over 15 pounds of scar tissue were removed from my abdomen. After 4 years of recovery, I've been feeling the healthiest, happiest, and most attractive I've ever felt. I was in a bad car accident three weeks ago, after which they discovered a mass on my one remaining ovary. Today, I learned that the mass is 10cm (the size of a grapefruit) and that, if it doesn't shrink in 3 weeks, I will need another abdominal surgery to remove it, along with my one remaining ovary. They mentioned that part of the reason for possibly removing the mass is to rule out ovarian cancer. I am ok right now. But I know that the intrusive thoughts are about to be bad. My fears of being abandoned and or undesirable to my partner, having serious health problems that prevent me from enjoying my life, and having health problems that hurt my children have something to latch on to. Please send me advice, reassurance, kind thoughts, advice on how to remain positive, or whatever you have that may help.

Cause I did find masc lesbians already attractive before. I didnt want to do anything sexually but I liked their appearance because they look like men...but then I read about a girl realizing She didn't want to date a masc lesbian cause She was used to the thought of liking guys and date them and maybe I have the same problem. Cause if I like the way they look and I find them attractive what's stopping me? Just the vagina? It has to be denial.

Can it make you believe you’re in love with someone else (who is not your partner), to the point of mad obsession? While I recognize what false attraction is and that OCD can cause you to fixate on people, this one case has me doubting everything and I’m terrified. I have to hold back my tears constantly especially when my partner shows up, because I love him SO MUCH, to the point I’d lose my mind without him, and I feel like God is torturing me by making me fixate on this other guy, who I barely know and whose face I barely remember. But why does it feel so intense and so real!? I feel like I will never be capable of true love because I have been “programmed” to be unfaithful. And I feel disgusted that I allow myself to be with my loving partner who I know is faithful and true, while I “betray” him in my mind. Someone please help me.

This is going to be a longer post so hats off to the ones who take time to read it, luv you besties 🫶 So I’ve been struggling for the past 6 months or so with what I hope is ROCD, though I don’t know for sure because I’m not diagnosed. I really struggle sometimes because my bf is a little weird, I’m willing to fully admit that. He’s just a little hyper and goofy and different from other guys, which can be really great at times, because he doesn’t take himself so seriously that he isn’t willing to have fun, he’s willing to be open with his emotions, and he isn’t easily uncomfortable or embarrassed, and I’m not like that. I get nit-picky about those behaviours as times, but I just like to rationalize it by calling it his golden retriever energy, which I think is a cute way of looking at it. But he’s also awkward at times, there are times where he does something super weird or cringy or irritating and I can’t stop thinking about it, playing it over in my head, and it bugs me so much, and I try to rationalize it but I can’t. One thing I really struggle with, is his voice. For example, yesterday I hung out with him, and we were talking, and I was about to say something but stopped myself half way through the sentence because it was a secret I didn’t want to give away, and then he started sounding really whiny as he said “you can’t do that” “why won’t you tell me” or something like that. And it wasn’t like angry whiny, it was a little more lighthearted, but I don’t think he was being ironic or jokingly whiny, I think it was genuinely him just sounding whiny, and then all of a sudden mid sentence he cut back to a regular voice. It made the whole thing just sound really cringy and not very masculine, like he was poorly acting, but I know he wasn’t, it was all genuine, just really cringey. And I can’t stop playing it over and over in my head, trying to make sense of it, trying to make myself feel better about the whole situation rather than uncomfortable. I do that with a lot of things that he does tho, even normal things, but I especially have a hard time with his voice and his vocal inflections and idiosyncrasies and the way he sounds in certain situations, literally every little thing. I obsess over whether he sounds/acts masculine enough and normal enough, I keep picking apart every time he sounds whiny, whether he’s actually whining or not, sometimes his voice just sounds whiny because he has a higher pitched voice and he can’t really change it. I pick apart his voice when he laughs about something, or when he sounds excited or happy. I pick apart his voice when he tells stories. I can’t stop, and it makes it super difficult to be present in conversations. Idk if it’s ROCD, because he does genuinely do odd things that make me cringy and bug me from time to time, sometimes even things that are a bit of a turn off, but I think I get so carried away that it becomes way bigger than it needs to be. Is it ok, even if I didn’t have ROCD, to find things that he does weird, cringy, annoying, a turn off, etc? Sometimes it genuinely feels like the “ick” (I hate that term so much). Is it normal, even in regular relationships, to experience this “ick” feeling? Everyone seems to say that when you like someone, nothing they do is weird or cringy to you, you never get the ick, and if you do then it’s times to move on. But I’ve also heard others say that it’s not about them being perfect or not having any Icks at all, it’s about loving them enough to look past the Icks and not focus on the cringy things they do. Is this true? If so, then how can I do this? The other day he told me he loves being with me because he feels like he can genuinely be himself without judgement, but little does he know that all my brain is ever doing is picking him apart and judging everything he says or does, and that’s not fair to him. He is such an amazing person, and he deserves so much better than me.

One of my biggest fears is, having feelings for someone else other than my partner. I don't want to have crushes, i don't want to get attracted, i don't want to love anyone other than my partner. I hate having feelings for anyone else and i hate the idea of this happening. I can't distinguish false attraction and feelings from the real one because my trigger feeling is same as the excitement feeling. I don't care if having crushes, getting attracted is normal. I don't care and i don't want it. I don't even want to normalize it. No matter what i feel, i will choose to love my partner and my partner only. But having these thoughts and feelings are enough to make me feel like i cheated on my partner. I want to stay faithful to my partner. With my actions, but also with my feelings and thoughts. My partner is my everything. And i don't want to hurt him in anyway. I don't want to hurt him in my mind, with my thoughts. Everyone triggers me, especially some specific people. They are my biggest triggers. Making eye contact with them, even being in the same environment with them kills me. It makes me feel like i actually love these people and i have a crush on them, and i stopped loving my partner. I don't want to love anyone other than my partner. I don't want to have crushes. I feel so horrible and disloyal. I don't want these thoughts and feelings. I also feel like i always try to impress people. I feel like I'm the same disgusting person I used to be and I haven't changed at all. I feel like an attention-seeking, disgusting person who talks to everyone, constantly tries to attract attention and impress, and is unfaithful and disgusting. I feel like a wh*re who wants people to chase her. I feel truly disgusting. And i feel like i normalize this. I feel like i actually have a crush or love that person who triggers me and i try to impress them. I feel so horrible and i have so realistic feelings for them. I hope these feelings are all fake. I don't want to develop any single feeling for someone other than my partner. I feel like i actually want them, prefer them. My mind creates scenarios about him and repeats the images about him. Im having a panic attack. And i truly feel like i want to cheat on my partner and this never felt that real before. I feel like a unfaithful whore who keeps secrets from hee partner, wants to cheat, love and lust chaser. Etc. I feel like i don't care about my partner and i don't love him anymore. I feel like i actually love that other person and not my partner, i have SO MANY UNFAİTHFUL and disloyal thoughts and FEELINGS. Im just hoping, and begging to god, i hope these are fake. I feel so disgusting. I feel like i don't even feel guilty, i actually love that person. Idk if im being clear enough, i feel like i can't explain my feelings properly. I need some help, advice or support. What id i love that person? What if i have a crush on them? What if i don't love my partner anymore? What if im not loyal? I choose to stay faithful and not act on these thoughts and feelings. But having these thoughts and feelings are enough to make me a horrible, disloyal person. I feel like i nornalize, enjoy being a disgusting person.