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From health OCD TO HARM OCD For a year I was running to the ER for ANYTHING and now I feel like i kinda want to die 🤣 Like WHERE IS ME?

I constantly worry that no one likes me. Did grow up as the scapegoat but my parent passed away 7 yrs ago and now I have been in therapy as well as my mom but my other two siblings refuse therapy. So there has been some healing between me and my mom which I’m happy about! But I’ve also been scapegoated in friend groups mainly bc there will be one jealous friend and then they try to get everyone to go against me. Anyway I have met a few friends here and there that have really impacted my life in a positive way. However, I can’t help but ruminate on how “everyone doesn’t like me” and then I go down a rabbit hole of searching on tik tok, google and Reddit trying to find some magical answer as to what is “wrong with me” and why I have issues with people even some family and yet there is no answer except that people just project their negative feelings onto me, and many other people have experienced that as well. But yet I still keep feeling like there’s something innately wrong with me. Even my therapists validates my experience and has taught me boundaries and explains how I’m not the problem yet I still loop with this thought. I also think this is linked to another ocd thought because I always tell myself I need to hurry up and prove to myself that my siblings can get healthy and I can fix the family dynamic issues and then find a perfect group of friends so I will be “happy” and then I won’t supposedly suffer and want to d*e. By the way I am not suicidal so thats why it’s kind of like an irrational thought. I did have suicidal OCD though but would never do that. So idk? What is this?

I need some support from anyone who’s willing to offer it, please. My ocd, particularly scrupulosity, has been making my life a living hell. I can’t ignore my suspicions and compulsions and they rule my life. I’m debating whether or not the God I rely on even exists, and quite frankly I’ve been thinking about suicide. I don’t know how to tell my loved ones. I was in a position where I had to talk someone down from suicide at a young age and it crushed me afterwards. I know suicide is wrong, and I’m scared to think about it, but I don’t know how I can live. I just need someone to know.

this is an event that im not at all clear on, it took place 7 years ago when i was 12 (i am now 18). i was holding my baby cousin on the couch and using snapchat filters to entertain them per the usual. i used to love doing that, i was always the baby in the family so i was excited to have a baby cousin of my own. and then i think i looked down and noticed my hand was over their diaper area and they also had on a diaper & pants ofc), and i think i scratched it and rubbed over the entire front of it (ew)🤢 i think because of the area and curiosity, this is what i've tried to remember. and now my head is saying that i liked it and was turned on idk truly, it happened years ago it's all a blur. i don't know why i would do it. but i know i would never hurt them, i mean i've been obsessed with them since before they were even born! but i don't have any clear memory of what happened, but i do think it was something like that. I think i was too young to think much of it or see the full spectrum of things because they had a diaper on. but i still feel terrible, this is an old obsession because i almost offed myself 2 years ago because of the same dilemma. the whole thing disgusts me. I've talked to my sister about it, she's a therapist/ social worker. i broke completely down and was crying so hard i could hardly breathe. she told me to calm down, & that i was probably curious and i was young. but i still feel like i sa'ed them, even though i didn't actually touch their privates and definitely had no intentions of it either.

After coming down from a pretty stressful week, I started to feel like me again—until old themes started to creep up on me. I hate having to live in this cycle…I’m so tired, I feel like I can’t keep living like this or something will break. Im afraid that I’ll go insane and these thoughts will become real…

I’ve been struggling with POCD since I was 18 years old, I am now 22. It’s terrifying how quickly it switched from my ocd focusing on a fear of pregnancy, to magical thinking ocd, and then to POCD. I’ve been suffering with it so much so that I’ve convinced myself and have lost friends due to confession compulsions. I have major issues with ruminating, and it frequently goes hand in hand with my relationship OCD and my Suicidal thoughts OCD. (Worrying my partner will leave me because what if I am, and that I can’t take this anymore so I have to __) I often experience things like shame, guilt, grief, and intense emotional pain that manifests itself into nausea and heartburn and sometimes headaches. I’ve tried everything, so this app really is my last resort. I wish to find community here, to know that what I’m facing I’m not alone in my battles with. I know that I’m not, so why does my brain work so hard telling me I am? I love children, I always have. But I get so afraid of being near them. I want to get better. I want to be able to spend time with my family again.

Hello. I am 39 years old and I see that OCD is increasingly damaging my mind. I forget things, I am unfocused, I tolerate changes less, I get tense very easily, I am more fearful and so on. I stopped leading a social and active life, let's say normal or functional, at 19 years old. I locked myself in a bubble in the hope that I would find a cure for my disorder and unfortunately I lost my youth without improving, which is a horrible burden that has often made me become very depressed and feel such a great degree of nostalgia and regret that it makes me think about suicide. I have never had a girlfriend and many years ago I stopped having friends. For many years I was fine with it and even enjoyed my loneliness, my misery, my depression, my isolation and my lack of connection and harmony with the outside world. The problem is that for about 6 years now, this has finally taken its toll on me, especially the fact that I have never had a girlfriend or sexual experiences. My libido has increased, I fall in love very easily and become attached to many women that I barely know or with whom I have minimal contact in a store, street, etc. My rational part tells me that it is not a real love, but my obsessive disorder is characterized by sabotaging myself and making me magnify many things. It is a disorder in which I ended up stopping going out and going to school because it suggested that I couldn't speak, that I was very hungry, that I liked vulgar and disgusting things, etc. Even to this day I can get a feeling of hunger because someone insults me while I'm driving or if someone says a mocking comment to me it can cause me to not be able to speak or any of my suggestions. All day I feel a tickle of anxiety in my mouth. He's not leaving anymore. I also can't speak naturally because there is almost always the fear of losing the topic of conversation, not knowing what to say and boring the other person. I imagine scenarios asking a woman out and I know that at any moment she could lose the ability to converse fluently and therefore bore her. Plus my self-esteem is on the floor. I have felt disgusting in the eyes of women since I was a boy. I've tried logging onto Tinder, Bumble, and other apps without much success, which further affects my self-esteem. Sometimes I can't stand the urge to have sex and it bothers me a lot because I also tend to have animosity towards women. I would like to be asexual or not have a libido. I also wish I didn't feel this need to socialize, but I can't. It's already overtaken me and all these years of isolation have finally sabotaged me and my body and mind are crying out for social contact. I really regret not having been braver in the few opportunities I had to have a girlfriend or sexual relations. I think if I had had these experiences right now I wouldn't have this need to date a woman. It would be the same as what I feel with friends. I did have friends, I know what that is and therefore, I don't need them. If I had had a girlfriend and sex right now it would be a reminder that I was once able to be functional, I would already know what that is and therefore, I could concentrate on other things and even close that chapter. To make matters worse, my disorder makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when I suddenly have the opportunity to talk to women more or less my age. I feel something ridiculous and disgusting that makes me feel like I'm cheating on my mom and my brother. It's something very strange. My damn fucked up mind has me in the middle of needing to have sex and some relationship with a woman and not being able to, because I don't know how to flirt, I have low self-esteem, I'm afraid of cruel and mocking rejection and I also don't want to expose myself to women who could be shit Does anyone identify themselves or has something similar happen to them? I've been taking fluvoxamine and quetiapine for years, but they only keep me more or less functioning and not going under. I'm tired, really. I hate having this need and not being able to do anything. I see even ugly men on the street with girlfriends and it irritates me. I also have this fixation that when I see a woman touching, kissing, caressing or sitting near a man I am surprised that they are not disgusted by it. I do not know what to do. I am getting sicker and sicker and also all these years of isolation and bad social experiences have made me hate people in general and women even more for not paying attention to me. As a teenager when I went out with my friends I was the one who only saw how my friends flirted, were successful with women, had affairs, had sexual experiences and I was invisible. They didn't seem to care and didn't even know what to do. Furthermore, the lost years of my youth are a very heavy burden that does not allow me to live in peace. I could even win the lottery and my life could magically improve and I couldn't even be happy for these lost years. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. To make matters worse, I haven't seen a psychologist in years because I have never worked because of my anxiety and as a consequence, I depend in part on what my mother gives me in terms of money, who sometimes drives me crazy. The problem is that sometimes my body and mind also ask me to be alone, but my OCD makes me have at the same time fear of loneliness and panic attacks because if I am going to live alone, it is really being alone without anyone. No friends, no work colleagues, no girlfriend, nothing. I thank you in advance for your attention.

This is the worst my OCD has gotten! I’ve freaked out many times about harming my children, touching them inappropriately, etc. the other night I got blackout drunk and woke up and had thoughts of something specifically that I did to my 5 year old. It’s horrendous. Do you think it’s possible to become our worst fear when drunk? Do you think my son would wake up if I did something? This is awful! And I’ve been very suicidal since. I’m not sure how I can accept the uncertainty of this and move on. Yes, I’m in therapy.

Hi all, this technically isn’t OCD related although I believe my OCD and hyper fixation on it is making it worse. I just know this community has been supportive in the past. I was able to get past my harm thoughts and urges OCD which made life hell a year and a half ago. I thought that was impossible, but I did it and feel like that is behind me. Although thoughts still come into my mind, I manage so much better. Recently, after a painful ear irrigation to clean ear wax I got stuck because I had a bad habit of sticking my finger in there to clean it out. Ever since then, I’ve had a feeling of fullness in that ear and now tinnitus which has just gotten worse and is in the other ear now. Multiple tones, like 8 or so. I’m also getting noise distortions and can’t mask my tinnitus very well because it seems to get louder with a lot of other noises. My life feels like a living hell, I miss my old hearing and the worst part of this is that I feel like it’s all my fault. Maybe that’s my OCD wanting to go back in time and not completely ruin my life. I don’t know how to go forward, and it doesn’t seem to get better, only worse. Feeling suicidal. By comparison, OCD felt easy. Thoughts I realized are controllable. This can’t be controlled though and I hate it. I don’t see a way out of this at this point unless I start seeing improvements. Any support helps.

I’m in the process of being evaluated by a psychiatrist for ADHD, but I feel like my distress has gotten worse. I don’t feel like my memory recall has kept up with work and school, friends, and family and in the beginning I thought it was due to being an inattentive adhd person. But more recently It been having thoughts of hurting myself and others as well as suicide. Even though I don’t want to die, I just want this to change. I feel helpless and so so tired. I’m constantly worried about being wrong in some fundamental way and I’m worried my friends and family will reject me even though we have good relationships to each other.

i remember when i was 13 i was on instagram and i used it to lol for porn videos and this one video came up and seemed normal to me and im worried that it was unethical or bad because they people weren't smiling like they just had straight faces and know i don’t remember what their face looked like because ive thought about it so much and what if they had a sad face and i can’t remember but i think i might be overthinking that aspect of it but they both seemed willing because of their body language and i don't want to be stereotypical but they were indian and people always say how sometimes indian men can treat indian women badly sometimes and i thought it would be okay to pleasure myself to witch i did but i stopped because i had this immense guilt after and felt suicidal because i was so scared that what if it wasn't ethical and im terrified ive done something wrong, im feeling awful right now and i dont know what to do.i always remember trying to be very careful of what i was watching but i am 16 and cant let go of this and its torture

Do we choose what we're attracted by? Or it is simply something subconscious that we can't control? Because I have no problem getting attracted if I notice the curves of a girl my age, but I get extremely uncomfortable and anxious when I notice those same inappropriate parts on a young girl. Instagram reels trigger me often. I obsess over the fact that I've noticed those parts in the first place because a normal person wouldn't even notice them at all, and I wonder if these are the signs of being a p***. I feel the need to check the inappropriate parts to check if I'm attracted or not, and to see if I can stop seeing it as triggering but as something that is just there without being unwantedly se&ualized by pocd. (I also feel more gross because I'm staring at those parts, even though for a compulsive matter and not for malicious intent). I'd feel like ending my life if these things were all just subconscious instincts of my brain making me one of those monsters, like you can't change that and I'm just lying to myself. I'd feel more at ease if everybody notice those things the same and just chooses to not be attracted according their morals, the fact that physical attraction could be a choice and not an instinct would make me feel better. There is freedom of action, but is there freedom of feeling and being? Or is that already predetermined? If I see a girl my age who's my liking I have no issue feeling attracted se&ually. If I'm born with the genes of a monsters it wouldn't matter what I do, I'd constantly be in denial of my sick twisted nature, right? Obviously I'd end my life before even dreaming of doing those horrible things that happen in my mind in the form of intrusive thoughts and image, as costant daily torture. Maybe there are people born bad but that overcome their nature and live a life of good deeds, but I can't tolerate it. If I'm born as a **** I have to die. I'm clinging of the fact that this is just POCD, just an ocd theme like the others that've come before. One thing that reassures me is that I've memories and proof of lots of different ocd themes throughout my early life till now. I'm diagnosed with OCD, but I don't trust it completely because my psychiatrist was a bit of a weirdo and his answers to my questions more triggering. I don't feel attracted on young girls, I avoid them, I only have interest on girls my age, but I'm so afraid that sometimes I could be because what I feel when I get triggered is so confusing and fuzzy, I feel like throwing up and I squint my eyes and contort my face (even more these are not enough to prove the fact that I'm disgusted because I think I could be just faking it, lying to myself), and maybe in that mixture of distressing sensations there is an element of denial of the horrible truth. There have been a lot of triggering moments when I genuinely thought to myself that I was attracted and that made me feel desperate, wanting to cry.

Do we choose what we're attracted by? Or it is simply something subconscious that we can't control? Because I have no problem getting attracted if I notice the curves of a girl my age, but I get extremely uncomfortable and anxious when I notice those same inappropriate parts on a young girl. Instagram reels trigger me often. I obsess over the fact that I've noticed those parts in the first place because a normal person wouldn't even notice them at all, and I wonder if these are the signs of being a p***. I feel the need to check the inappropriate parts to check if I'm attracted or not, and to see if I can stop seeing it as triggering but as something that is just there without being unwantedly se&ualized by pocd. (I also feel more gross because I'm staring at those parts, even though for a compulsive matter and not for malicious intent). I'd feel like ending my life if these things were all just subconscious instincts of my brain making me one of those monsters, like you can't change that and I'm just lying to myself. I'd feel more at ease if everybody notice those things the same and just chooses to not be attracted according their morals, the fact that physical attraction could be a choice and not an instinct would make me feel better. There is freedom of action, but is there freedom of feeling and being? Or is that already predetermined? If I see a girl my age who's my liking I have no issue feeling attracted se&ually. If I'm born with the genes of a monsters it wouldn't matter what I do, I'd constantly be in denial of my sick twisted nature, right? Obviously I'd end my life before even dreaming of doing those horrible things that happen in my mind in the form of intrusive thoughts and image, as costant daily torture. Maybe there are people born bad but that overcome their nature and live a life of good deeds, but I can't tolerate it. If I'm born as a **** I have to die. I'm clinging of the fact that this is just POCD, just an ocd theme like the others that've come before. One thing that reassures me is that I've memories and proof of lots of different ocd themes throughout my early life till now. I'm diagnosed with OCD, but I don't trust it completely because my psychiatrist was a bit of a weirdo and his answers to my questions more triggering. I don't feel attracted on young girls, I avoid them, I only have interest on girls my age, but I'm so afraid that sometimes I could be because what I feel when I get triggered is so confusing and fuzzy, I feel like throwing up and I squint my eyes and contort my face (even more these are not enough to prove the fact that I'm disgusted because I think I could be just faking it, lying to myself), and maybe in that mixture of distressing sensations there is an element of denial of the horrible truth. There have been a lot of triggering moments when I genuinely thought to myself that I was attracted and that made me feel desperate, wanting to cry.

I can't stand checking things over and over again to make sure I'm not a bad person. Repeating actions in the expectation that it will prove something to me only makes it worse. But I can't stop checking. In fact, I can't stand a lot of things in my life, I feel exhausted, my mental health is shattered, I have no self-esteem, I don't feel like fighting for anything. Everything annoys me because I didn't want to be here, I wish I had never been born, my existence bothers me and brings me anguish. I wish I could choose not to exist anymore because I can't stand so much pain, so much sadness, so much anger at myself. I get up every day out of obligation, but I'd like to stay in bed until it's all over. I'd like to apologize to everyone I tell about this overwhelming desire to disappear, but I feel suffocated.

I don't have a plan, nor I think I would be brave enough to kms but I'm suffering so much every day :( I don't see a way out. I would try nocd but they don't accept my insurance and that would mean to scalp my savings account and I'm afraid erp won't even work

I'm feeling a lot of guilt and shame because of my bad habit and I don't know how to get passed it. I'm really afraid I've messed up my physical health because of this addiction aside from my mental health. Sometimes I just browse forums under the same topic to try and see if I find someone that's going through the same thing I am 100%. This usually never works and I just end up finding things that are worse than my situation and it doesn't help. Worse, I'll get groinals that ruin everything about this because I get thoughts that I'm only reading things for Attraction. I just don't know how I can accept my decisions without shame attached to it. I completed a therapy session and it did help, but I just need to find a way to change my mindset. It's really hard. I hate thinking about all of the pain I've been through with porn. I hate that I'm so hooked on this and I hate that I've acted out so badly at times. I had that on some occasions I've harmed myself when this, whether it'd be crying because it's so awful to deal with, physically hurting myself by accident or doing something so impulsive, stupid, and risky just to get the stupid high.

Just wanted to let you guys know . I hop in from time to time to read and check in and wanted to let you guys know that I’ve dealt with a lot of the things mentioned here if not all . I am not a trained therapist. I’m just telling my own testimony in hopes to help others. 1. It’s not the thoughts that are the problem …. It’s the relationship we have with the thoughts. The more we realize that OCD thoughts have absolutely no meaning , the quicker you can move forward. The anxiety will lessen once your relationship changes and you’ll be able to overcome. 2. There’s not a different regime for each subtype . ERP is the best approach ..Don’t run from these thoughts …. Sit with them And retrain your brain to learn that they don’t mean a thing. If you’re having SOCD about a particular friend , have the courage to go out and hang with them. It’s tough but the more you expose yourself to the environment that you’re afraid of …. The more your brain realizes that these fears are irrational. If you’re having self harm OCD . Expose yourself to the things that you fear … At the root of OCD is fear and doubt….. it’s not the subtype itself …. Approach them all in the same manner. OCD hit me like a ton of bricks 4 years ago …..I struggled tremendously about 2 years before knowing how to handle it or even what it was. I lost my Job due to OCD and almost admitted myself in a hospital several times because I thought I was going crazy. It was almost two years of debilitating anxiety until I learned what I was dealing with was OCD. A few subtypes to name : health anxiety, sexual orientation ocd, self harm ocd, sleep anxiety , fear of being a pedophile. It’s like once I got over one ….the next would come until I realized they were all coming from the same thing ….that’s when my life started to change Fast forward, with the help of God, I learned to retrain my brain and not to worry about intrusive thoughts when they come in from time to time. actually learned to take them as the joke they are . The more I exposed myself … the more I trusted myself . Nobody else can reassure you … better yet you don’t need reassurance because it’s actually what keeps you in the cycle. Just Trust God Now I’m a Middle school teacher , in graduate school working towards my degree in counseling with a bright future ahead. I say this to say that, if I can do it , you can do it too …. I’m no different from any of you … I didn’t have a therapist at the time so take advantage if you do. Don’t view OCD as bad ….. it’s apart of you that you will learn to manage. I don’t regret OCD cause it has made me a less fearful person …. I’ve fixed fear and doubt that rooted from my childhood through the struggles of OCD . So it was a blessing in disguise. This is a temporary phase for all of you , trust me . And I know how hard it is to believe that when you’re in the middle of it . But remember. Once your relationship with the thoughts changes that’s when you Free yourself Love all 🙏🏾

So after taking a break from this app for a little over a month I thought I'd make a decision to cut out bad habits that I feel I can't moderate or affect my dopamine. (gaming, TV etc). I did this cold turkey and it highlighted a compulsion that is never really considered, avoidance. I used to think the days were never long enough and how can I possibly do everything in a day. Now they're incredibly long and I find it hard to fill up the time. I joined a new gym and now go for runs. I've started reading which I find enjoyable but can only do it for so long until my brains screaming at me to do something else. I went over some work stuff and found out since the passing of my nan, my financial situation wasn't really kept on top of as ocd went full throttle. I lost thousands... Numerous panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Stressed me beyond belief. Then there was a light at the end of the tunnel and thought I can get myself out of this ocd hole... And my car starts playing up and causing me to lose thousands more. I took it in to get worked on and they handed it back "fixed". It almost killed me a few days later. If I wasn't experienced enough to deal with the issue I could've died. I took it back and did my best to stay calm and didn't raise my voice. I wanted reassurance but I know its bad for ocd, but I think in this case it's acceptable because it's just reassuring me that my car would be fixed properly and I'd be able to eat and pay the bills. Car issue is almost resolved but omfg the stress over the last month was unbelievable. I got better after therapy without a doubt and I know I can get better again but this all brought it back. Once I got rid of daily distractions and looked at improving my life I didn't realise how much ocd and these habits kept me from looking at the huge hole I buried myself in. I made a deal to give into some compulsions whilst I sort this out as I'm struggling to fight on all fronts at the moment. It's too much. Once my finances are sorted, ocd is going to be a priority to work on again. One thing I learned was you cope with stress, and manage the stressors. I feel as if thats not clarified enough anywhere. Oh and one more thing, I watched a video regarding to me being depressed naturally because of the suicidal thoughts and it was interesting. Basically asked if I was depressed or just have a terrible life. I'm both, but it's because I have a terrible life at the moment. But that will change. Just wish it changed faster 😅 And I think a woman at my gym class has a crush on me so that's one good thing. Can't all be negative

My most obsessed thought is am I going to be like this for the rest of my life. I have no desire to do anything nothing is fun I'm serving a life sentence in my head. I've lost every friend I've ever had because fun doesn't exist in ky life its what if we get in trouble what if someone gets hurt how will that person feel will the think I'm a bad person and 200 more what ifs and by what if number 6 you've lost someone else u cherished. I've had countless relationships with some of the most amazing girls and every one of them always say I did not know it was this bad and they disappear. If theres some kinda help out there or any way I can help someone else that is living anything close to my life sign me up. I often feel like there's only one way out and that there is no help for me but I keep faith and hope that there is. Stay strong there's gotta be a cure for this. Thanks

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop ‘joy checking’? Like I feel the need to keep checking my emotional state, both in the moment and in the past, to make sure I am feeling happy and joyful. This is due to my fear of developing depression which will lead to suicide (or so my ocd tells me). It’s quite distressing. Any suggestions? Thanks so much!