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the NOCD Community

I’m new to this community. I made this account for accountability. Just wanna know if anyone else is using an anti psychotic medication to manage OCD. At first I was a bit worried about it because I thought it would just make me feel ill like Zoloft did (which sent me to the ER) or Prozac which on day 1 sent me in a frenzy of poor insight. I’ve been taking abilify since yesterday and wow, my thoughts have quieted so much. I do feel emotionless and still get pangs of anxiety in my chest when a scary intrusive thought or fear pops into my head but besides that, I’m finally able to write again which I haven’t done in so long. Just wanna know if anyone else is in the same boat. So far I’m optimistic about abilify. I’m just worried about therapy. I want to do it but I’m afraid it won’t work.

I'm constantly double-checking my thoughts, I can't get used to it, I can't get used to the fact that my thoughts are not the whole of me, I find all the Things around me exhausting, I already want to just be silent and not feel anything. I'm afraid of my head. It's like my heart is squeezing inside. I feel sick. I'm scared. My head feels unsafe for me. I can't escape into reality and action, taking care of myself from these thoughts that I'm doing everything wrong and that something is not perfect, I don't feel anything. I'm really scared.. I forget that there are other feelings besides OCD.

I'm about to have my period in a few days so all my feelings and doubts are even harder to deal with than usual :( I have been ruminating for the past 3 days, last night I had an hour or so of feeling okay, but it went back to doubts and numbness soon after. I'm now almost fully convinced that I don't love my boyfriend, I'm just using him for gifts and the idea of a relationship, I've been faking it the whole time. I feel like a horrible person and I'm struggling not to tell him I want to break up. I don't want to break up but I do but I don't but I do. It's so frustrating and confusing. When we're together he makes me feel nice and comfortable and he makes me laugh and I always wanna hold onto him and kiss him but I can't feel that right now. I've been stuck in bed for hours worrying and doubting and sometimes I cry or cover my face out of frustration. I don't know what I truly want or need.

Tomorrow, or technically today, I'm going to meet up with my best friend. I'm so anxious, but I've missed her a lot. We haven't seen each other in months, maybe even close to a year? She's attending college in another state, so she's rarely ever back home. I'm so embarrassed because nothing in my life has changed since we last met up. I feel so behind people my age, and I get anxious that I won't have anything interesting to share when we talk. And I'm not afraid of her judging me, but I'm afraid she'll feel like... sorry for me? I'm insecure about where I am in life, I guess. But anyway... Mostly, I'm just afraid I won't know or have anything to talk about, and she'll get bored, even though we've been friends for YEARS. It's so silly to stress about it, but I do it every single time we meet up. It's not like I don't have stories to share, but the moment anyone asks what I've been up to or how I'm doing, my mind goes completely blank 😭 Does this happen with anyone else? Does anyone have any advice for this?

All I can think about is death. I’m only 26 and everyday feels like I won’t live a long time and that my time is up. I wake up with death instantly on my mind. All I do is cry and sleep. I miss who I was. I can’t enjoy anything without thinking “this will be gone one day” I miss loving life

I have been dealing with POCD for years now. This past summer, something happened that I havent been able to get out of my mind. My friends and I were in the kitchen and my girlfriend was holding my niece behind me while I was washing dishes. I kept getting thoughts that I was being weird and exposing my niece to my butt. I kept saying that I wasn't trying to do so. But I shifted closer to her and I immediately felt guilty. I was like "why did I do that." This whole time I was trying to avoid it so why did it happen? I tired to tell myself that all of this wasn't true that I would never do something like that consciously or on purpose. But I knew i had done something wrong. I tried to remember as soon as it happened, but I could no longer remember how it even happened. But when I got a sudden thought of "no I didn't do it with bad intentions " I got so much relief. But then it would switch again to me having done something wrong and I'd feel guilty again. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong and forgot about this incident. A couple of months ago it came back to mind. I immediately felt panic and guilt. I tried convincing myself I did nothing wrong but I knew that I had in fact shifted my body closer that I had done something. But i just couldn't believe that i would've done something like that. once again I'd get a random memory flashback that I had no ill intentions and I'd feel relief. I kept trying to remember how it happened but I couldn't. I just knew I did something awful. I tried to explain what happened but I couldn't, but eventually I remembered that I had moved closer. I once again suppressed the memory and moved on. But it has once again come to haunt me. I try to remember the details but I cant. I just know that I did know I had done something and that I immediately felt guilty afterwards but when I try to remember details I cant. And I just don't understand this bc I'm always so cautious. I something close my eyes when I see pictures of my niece, or I'll put my hands in fists when I'm next to her bc of my urges, and when they make me hold her and I have an urge it feels terrifying. As of now the thoughts have decreased around her but now im scared to get her contaminated.

hey this my first post, i usually don’t use self help apps like this but im deciding to give it a try. A bit of context i’ve struggled with OCD my whole life, from existential OCD, harm OCD, suicidal OCD. I’ve learned how to manage those but one subtype that has been debilitating lately is my ROCD. I’m 21 years old and i’ve had past relationships where I just flee when i feel anxious or have doubtful thoughts. This is my first relationship where i challenge myself not to leave just because i feel anxious because we all know that leaving is just temporary relief. I also don’t want to leave my bf because we both have hard pasts and it’s the first time that we both are in a healthy relationship. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for about 6 months and late December is when my spiral happened. I told him how i feel and he has been super supportive and thoughtful. He’s really patient with me, but my thoughts are so loud it makes me ask myself “do i really like him” “am i forcing connection ” “why don’t i feel butterflies anymore” “will i ever feel love him” “have i lost interest”. These thoughts are really stressful for me because it seems like i can’t do anything unless i get clarity or have those “love” feelings. I’m getting meds for OCD and I’m getting therapy but it still doesn’t get rid of the fact that it’s making me cry and it’s really dimmed my light about almost every aspect of my life. I just want to be in a relationship where I don’t self sabotage. I want to be able to accept love and to stop self analyzing feelings. It’s been really hard. If you have even gotten over this spiral please let me know how long it lasted and what you did to cope.

Talking to someone won't fix such deeply-rooted avoidance behaviors. Revising my life goals isn't the answer --- if someone avoids *everything*, the solution is to tackle those things head on, not to decide life is worth living even if you are too ~~useless~~ disabled to do the things you want to do in life. I know that that is the solution, but I do *nothing* to change my situation. I put a pause on therapy for a reason, and this latest session just reaffirmed that. I need actual exposure therapy, actual assignments, actionable steps I can take to stop being like this. To be clear, I am not blaming my therapist for my overarching situation. I am blaming myself for being someone who is unwilling to try despite the consequences, not unless I am directly forced. In the end, only I can take the steps needed to change my life --- no therapist can make me do anything, so doesn't that mean this form of therapy cannot help me? OCD is not *really* my problem, just like social anxiety disorder is not actually the reason I am alone. My problem is that I am unwilling to do hard things. I am simply unwilling. That is the devastating thing about all this.

Hey! Could anyone explain to me what the feeling of Transgender OCD is? I have been owndering for a while if i have this subtype (tocd is one i havent really tried to work on or look at yet), since ive only realised i have OCD, and havebeen trging to work at it for arou d half a year,and havent looked at this subtype. I just wamted to ask what it is like, in case i have it, or am genuinely thinking tbjs stuff? Tysm for reading!!! Beat ocd 😁😁🐶

I have severe health OCD and I was doing well for years and then my dog passed away and it sent me into a spiral of thinking that I was going to die. I immediately started feeling chest pain and went to the hospital twice. My chest x-ray was clean and I also had a CT but now I’m afraid since I had a CT and x-rays that I’ll have cancer in 10 years and now I cannot get it off of my mind. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. It’s a constant cycle of my mind, telling me you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna get cancer, you’re gonna die from cancer. Even though that I’m healthy because the scans are clean, I’m now terrified that I had multiple scans through the years because of my health OCD that I’m going to give myself cancer. I keep researching CT scans and cancer and I’m terrified that I’m going to get it now. I really just want a doctor to tell me that I’m not going to get cancer from the CT scans but I know they can’t tell me that. I’m not afraid of dying, but I’m petrified about what comes after. I can’t imagine a life without living. How can I calm myself down? Any tips? My anxiety has gotten a lot better the past few days but it’s still crossing my mind.

I’ve been struggling for a few weeks now. My therapist diagnosed me with relationship ocd and I am having a really difficult time trying to determine what my real feelings are. My boyfriend is my best friend and I’ve felt distant lately and that hurts both of us. All of this is unfamiliar- I hate feeling like this and don’t recognize it. I’ve been so depressed and anxious and detached. A few weeks ago this happened for the first time out of no where and I literally felt like I was going through a breakup. I couldn’t sleep or eat or stop crying. I was so freaked out and felt so much pressure about the future even though he isn’t pressuring me. What if I don’t love him anymore? Do I want to end it? Maybe I should end it and then I’ll feel better. Maybe the problem is the relationship. How do I know? I don’t deserve him. Is avoiding him right now a sign I don’t love him? Is feeling stressed talking about future plans a sign I don’t want a future with him? What if we don’t get married? Is it all just a waste? Is this OCD or am I in denial that I want to break up? The thoughts go on… I thought the only thing that would make me feel better is if we broke up. But we didn’t. He’s stood by me and said he’ll be whatever I need. He has done research and has been so understanding. I started feeling better a few days later and then was doing really well for a couple of weeks when all of a sudden about a week ago we were just laying together and I started crying because of the obsessive thoughts I was experiencing. Compulsions I engage in include constantly seeking reassurance from him, my mom or chat gpt. I am going crazy I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I just want to feel normal again and be happy and I don’t know how. I don’t know why I can’t just enjoy myself. I’m either sobbing or feel emotionally flat. It’s exhausting and I just don’t know what to do. Anyone else been through this? I did just start Prozac last week but haven’t noticed any changes. I’ve just been going through an emotional roller coaster. The mood swings are awful.

18+ UPDATE: This is my first post of the day so please take that context in mind... I'm genuinely feel so triggered and anxious... I'm gonna go to sleep right now, but I genuinely dont think I'll be able to ever be able to look my friends and family in the eye if this is true... ive been holding in the compulsions today all day... but right now its genuinely terrifying me... i have a girlfriend now (over 2 months) and i dont want to lose her... she's kind, and lovely, and the one I wanna marry one day... but then I look at myself... and my past... and I genuinely don't think I deserve her... Oh dear god... I dont know... but I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it... i genuinely just feel hopeless... And its all my fault... All of it...

Hey all, Im Ashton, a 29 year old trans man. I grew up having obsessive thoughts and I am surprised my therapists and psychiatrists Ive worked with over the past 20 years have not ever caught these patterns to diagnose me. It goes way back to childhood but Ive always had intense intrusive thoughts. Some earliest revolving around harm OCD, not so much me actively inflicting harm on others but just harm coming to others. Emergency vehicle sirens would trigger me into panic episodes as a child because I would get graphic thoughts of people dying. I would cover my ears and cry and mu parents would shame me for it. I also have trichotillomania and I was diagnosed with this along with ADHD as a child, and OCD was never brought up despite trichotillomania being highly comorbid with OCD. I later had intrusive thoughts of my mom dying which made me so distressed that I would cry. My mom actually ended up dying of suicide shortly after those themes started and it actually began this magical thinking OCD theme because my mom's aunt told me it was a premonition. I was later diagnosed with BPD AND Bipolar disorder in my young adulthood and they gave me both because they couldnt tell which one I was more aligned with. I am starting to think it was misdiagnosed OCD the entire time but because my compulsion pattern didnt look like counting rituals, they probably never thought to evaluate me. Ive worked in healthcare for four years now, and it has intensified my health OCD themes way more than any other theme I've had. I can feel ever sensation in my body and my brain automatically jumps to the conclusion that it is a symptom of a rare deadly disease. Ive realized recently that theres nothing that will stop the torture my brain puts me through but I want desperate to get ERP to at least quiet the fear response to the thoughts I have. Its made my life very hard to live this past year. Its increased my stress so bad that I actually began to physically deteriorate. Stress can absolutely affect physical health to the point of developing chronic pain and other physical symptoms. I still have to get an evaluation, but after seeing other people's experiences, ESPECIALLY with health concern OCD, and with the suggestion from my primary care physician, I am almost 100% certain that I have OCD.

(I gotta harp first these are false. It’s a messy situation but was years ago.) My OCD loves to harp on a false accusation that happened years ago. It was false, went after my fiance, and the person who did it bullied us so much. This person would go back and forth from trying to be our friends, trying to date my fiance after claiming terrible things, then bullying, etc. and I feel bad cause my fiance has done everythin to not induce my OCD worse but also not let me spiral because I’ve known my fiance for years, inside and out, everyone that knows all of us knows the accusations are false. But I ran into this person a couple months ago, walked into a store they were at, and it made me crumble. I’m so scared, I get the what if’s like what if they’ll ruin my life, what if they were telling the truth(that one bothers me despite knowing the truth it’s just causing me to doubt myself), and idk how to accept it is what it is and I’m not a bad person for trusting someone who’s story was consistent, character is consistent, etc instead of the person who compulsively lied about several people I know and bullied me 🥲 I don’t think anyone else who trusts my fiancé is a bad person obviously, because most of them know all of us and the entire story. This one feels so taboo cause we’re both very caring people who try not to hurt anyone, and I often advocate for people who were hurt in s/a, etc so ugh. Idk, any advice on how to manage the OCD and anxiety so I can go back to living my life? Is it just accepting it is what it is?

I have really bad health ocd, harm ocd and pocd. does anyone ever try to stop the thoughts when you're doing something and that makes them come on even more? it's like i can't stop it. does anyone also with pocd worry that this is just them now and they'll never be like a normal person. such a weird horrible feeling

Honestly, I’ve had an awful week. I spent several hours googling, had a few anxiety attacks, and several breakup urges. I feel miserable. I’m not really sure what to do because I feel like I’m in too deep of a pit to recover.

I just have such an unhealthy view of God and I have these feelings of not wanting to follow him anymore but also wanting to follow him and I can’t make a decision because I don’t want to leave Christ but at the same time I do. I’ve been a Christian all my life and I just feel like God hates me, has left me, won’t forgive me again, and will pile me with a bunch of rules.. I also feel like he’s going to judge me for running away from him and ignoring him and I just feel like I have to be responsible for going to heaven and I have to work with it and I feel like I’m only following Christ out of fear! This is so exhausting!! Please any advice and tell me if this is ocd or anxiety!! 😖😖

Hey guys. I was hoping someone on here might be able to help me. I have a handwashing compulsion that I am working on in ERP but it is definitely still a work in progress and my hands are struggling. They are red and painful and everytime I look at them I’m ashamed because they just remind me of how much control OCD has over my life. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to put on my hands to help? I know handwashing is a pretty common compulsion so I’m hoping someone knows something that might help.

I've stated before I had a stint of teenage hood/up to age 20 where I was NOT my best self. I lied about serious things, did immoral things. Most of these I have came to terms with and talked about with my husband who is SO supportive. There's this one thing that happened (that was actually the triggering thing that made me better myself, leave a toxic relationship and heal from some trauma) that for some reason 6 years laterI am feeling VERY guilty about. It was a serious lie that I told my ex boyfriend and I did eventually tell him that what I said actually did not happen. But I feel like it's so immoral that I need to confess to my husband so that I can get it off my chest even though it does not concern him in the slightes Its almost like it would be easier to deal with if the world knew about what I did because it wouldn't be a surprise that could come out and ruin my life and family. I know that confessing can be a compulsion and I have noticed that for myself but how can I be for sure that this doesn't actually need to be said for me to feel better? Would the REOCD just move on to a new topic to torture me with? Really struggling.

With the current violence and destruction against American civilians, I’ve been scared shitless to leave my home. I don’t live in a major city. But now I’m just scared of getting encountered by an 🧊 agent and getting murdered on the spot. Especially as a person of color I’d just be wiped off and disregarded if anything were to happen to me. And only my family and friends would remember me and it’d devastate them. It’s hard to know whether I’ll be safe or not whenever I go out anywhere. Current world events and politics is just freaking me out and it’s been devastating to me. I guess at least my OCD is latched onto that and not my other themes. I don’t know what to do. Since the fear feels much more probable.