Welcome to
the NOCD Community

TW*** I really think my true sexuality is gay and at some level ive accepted it too. But when I accept being gay my brain dosent stop there, it feels like I want to be the girl in the relationship. It gives me so much anxiety and depression. When i get sexual thoughts in my head, it replaces the girl with me as if im the one doing the acts. This makes me not want to accept that im gay but isnt that just denial that Im trans? Then this gay girl triggered me that many gay people realize their gender is different too when they realize they homosexuality. I dont know man, im trying not think about this and trying my hardest to email my therapist tonight and set up sessions asap. I dont really have much hope and not sure how he will be able to help me bc I think ive figured it all out already. Please dont say its ok to be this or that or youll figure it out eventually, that just triggers me more.

+18 I’m having a really really hard time the past week. For context, this past fall I was googling “scared that I’m gay even though I know I’m not” and it lead me to find out about SOCD. Originally, this gave me a lot of relief. However, since then I’ve been experiencing a terrible episode of fearing that I’m gay and I’m in denial and lying to myself. I think I’ve dealt with this ever since I was 12ish years old because I remember this fear coming up in me and having sleepless nights for so long. I worry that since I’ve had this for so long that I must just be repressing my true sexuality, especially since I’ve had lesbian dreams before. On top of it, I’ve been terrified that maybe I just need to try to be with a woman to figure out if I like it, and then I’m terrified that if I like I’d have to turn my whole world upside down. Even though I’ve never had romantic feelings towards a woman before and I don’t want to be with one. On top of that, I have a wonderful boyfriend who I just want to be happy with because I love him so much. I just want this whiplash of constant doubt and suffering to stop so I can just go about my normal life and enjoy time with my boyfriend who’s the love of my life. I’m just so sad and feel so helpless right now. If anyone has any encouraging words I’d love to hear them.

I really need advice asap. There's this one friend I have and we're really close. We text everyday and have for the past two years. But lately, she's been just... Annoying me. IDK everything she does annoys me. It's probably something on me too, a reflection of myself. While texting and in person. I tell her about my ocd (which, yeah, I talk about a lot) and she changes the subject to her ADHD a lot (not always). She's a lesbian while I'm straight and whenever I try to talk to her about boys she's like BUT GIRLS. She says that she wants to change and create habits and get off her butt but she says she can't and doesn't try (says her ADHD won't let her do it?). She says she wants to be spontaneous and have crazy energy in our last years of high school but she won't go out (I know she isn't an extrovert but she says she wants to be spontaneous but won't do anything unless it's extensively planned in advance.) IDK what to do anymore. I love her a lot but I just am so annoyed with her. It's probably on me, getting annoyed with her. It's kind of like I want better for her but she won't work for it (for example, she got mad at me when I asked (yes, multiple times) to come to church with me and watch me play piano (becuase she wouldn't play piano herself tho I needed her help). She said she would, the night before said hey I need to sleep in and I said okay. The next morning was daylight savings and a short service (kids Sunday) and I was like OH THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT DAY FOR YOU TO COME and she went off on me and I felt horrible) I don't know what I should do or how to bring it up to her if I decide to take a break from her or our friendship. Please help asap!? I kind of feel bad for even writing this. It's probably on me.

I’m on a very long trip without my bf and my thoughts have gotten extremely real. I feel like I am attracted to girls and that I am for sure a lesbian. I have found so many ”what if” thoughts roaming and it’s so hard to not go on a loop and come to the realization that I am a lesbian. I feel like I am attracted to boobs and I try to see if I am but it’s hard not to I just want to now. I also have always found amazement from confident women and I have always tried to mimic their behavior because I want to be like that but today I had the thought that maybe I try to mimic that behavior because I personally think it’s attractive and because I have been surrounded with heterosexual people I do it for men when in reality it’s because I like it. This thought has really scared me because it all connects and it freaks me out. I can’t even see a girl anymore because I’ll look at their boobs and then freak out. This trip has been so so hard for me, at the same time I have always liked boys but now I’m scared that these thoughts have opened something else for me. This gives me so much stress and frustration. I just want to know I like boys and never think about it again. I want to marry my bf without ever doubting anything

I told myself last night to absolutely contact the therapist when I wake up today, woke up late and still havent, i just cant understand how an ocd therapist will help when ive figured out the thoughts in my head and reached a conclusion as much as I didnt want to. I just cant deal with anxiety and depression

Pls help me I genuinely require it rn…… I sometimes have the same question and think what if I actually thought cause i wanted to think about it and it wasn't intrusive and what if one percent possibility that I actually did then it would just mean my ocd is a cover up and its a lie idk if i am making sense but it usually happens in dreams and sometimes i think i think stuff cause i want to could that actually mean something like i think it could right?!? Is this even ocd. Like how is this not ocd if i am thinking of something because i want to and it doesn’t feel intrusive is it ocd doing it to me or me just denying cause a lot of coming out stories mention the word want or like or desire what if or if mine is the same then where from here cause i think I actually did and it didn’t feel intrusive and me just reading this as third person would just say after reading this she is just in denial cause these thoughts don’t feel forced but feel like they are rather a choice and no one here has said this with ocd or ig will even relate to this what do i do?!?

Someone with rocd help i see him in my future but i just had a panick attack that made my brain say break up and i got hot and scared and upset and i didnt want to do that. Im so nervous guys. I was happy and everything. Also does rocd hold you back from a relationship? I have so many doubts and everything

Anyone scared they are going to have an allergic reaction even though they never had one before?

So I‘m a Christian and it says that everything you do , like making someone a gift or using make up , you should do with pure motives or thoughts. For me I feel like everything I do is not fully pure. Of course I want love to be in the world an peace and happiness, but I also like getting attention or compliments, I like making myself pretty , I like Beeing proud when I did something good . Maybe I‘am not made to be a Christian, maybe it is to late for me but I suffer and are not happy right know since I try to get under als theses rules, I really do not know how to behave right or how other Christians are so happy under all these laws.

21 F, been dealing with pocd for a while now. My pocd mainly revolves around fear of being attracted to teenagers. I’m afraid some of my sexual fantasies suggest that i am a monster even though i would never do anything with anyone underage in real life. I have a lot of fantasies involving guys losing their virginity because male orgasms arouse me and losing your virginity seems like the biggest orgasm one has. Most guys lose their virginity around 16-18 and movies that i’ve used with sex scenes involving losing virginity to fuel some visuals for these fantasies have the characters around 16-18 typically in high school (even though the actors are of age). I have no real life interest in taking someone’s virginity, in fact these fantasies don’t even involve me i’m not even in them and i’m usually just focused on how the guy must feel. im queer and think i generally prefer women, male orgasm fantasies (about virginity or just any other male orgasm) and such are just the quickest way for me to orgasm, and i have to fantasize to orgasm. I’d like to think these fantasies about male orgasms are related to my gender issues, i was a huge tomboy growing up and now feel as i identify with being genderqueer. So i think this explains the fantasies as part of me would find it sexually exciting to lose my virginity but as a guy. when i lost my actual virginity it was very underwhelming and i don’t really enjoy the sensations of having sex with a man. My ocd has made me really worry i just have some sort of teenage boy fetish and that’s why i have these fantasies. Any advice on how to combat these thoughts and fears would be helpful.

It feels like because I think girls are “prettier” that EVERY scenario I try to imagine it would “look” better because of their aesthetic which makes zero sense. Even in regards to sexual stuff and it’s really freaking me out. I DONT CARE ABOUT AESTHETICS OR LOOKS, I DONT CARE IF GIRLS LOOK PRETTIER THEY DONT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD 😭😭

Does anyone else get triggered by astrology? My fiancé and I have been together 4 1/2 years and lately my ROCD is bubbling back up. I noticed it’s really hyper-fixating on the fact that we aren’t in each others love, soulmate, or relationship matches. As if that changes that fact that we love each other and intend on a life long relationship together. It’s driving me crazy. More than anything I hate the gut feelings of fear I get. I fear I’ll leave him and find someone better or vice versa. It’s so stressful

Being a priority always meant being loved for me. It's my way to express feelings too. But not for my bf! He always want space, and doing things alone. This makes me doubt a lot if he loves me or not. But than I realised it is his decision: if he doesn't love me he will leave me,( I can't leave because he doesn't love me, it wouldn't have sense!) But he doesn't make me a priority and doesn't leave me. He loves me without making me a priority. I'm confuse. A lot. Should be like that in couples? You shouldn't be always a priority for the other?

Could use a little help pls.. going through a lot…Its feels like sometimes i want to think about these thoughts like I willingly think of a girl… and my biggest question what is the difference between knowing that i only like the same sex as friends and nothing more like i like the company and emotionally connect with one of my friend the most so what does that mean how do i not know how i like it and if its more than just friends and if i even consider this possibility what does that mean?!? Like miley cirus too and lili reinheart were both happily in relationships but suddenly came out as bi like what does that signify?!? And like being bi is so causal and what does that mean now then?! Like its like i am with a guy and i can be with a girl too and i feel like if i even think of it as a possibility which it could be and me just saying that says a lot right?!? How can i be so confused if who i am?! And then i watched a reel on Instagram saying i wanna be alone my entire life and fir a second i felt like i resonated with it but i have wanted a family always in the past and now it felt like cause I didn’t want to be with the same sex or take that as a possibility cause i am scared i was okay being alone and this all could just prove my denial is true and talking about denial the people who are actually in it would they also feel like us and how are we different to them?! And these days i feel like these thoughts are not bothering me i am just sitting with them if its ocd and extreme i should be panicky and not find these thoughts so possible and like not intrusive and always trying to figure out if it’s intrusive… is it also ocd that there’s this one part of me thats constantly telling me these thoughts are true and one part which feels its true as well but if feel what does that mean and if it feels is it ocd confusing my emotions or actually true like what?!? Will i be able to like a guy like o used to before all this and now someone will say its ocd cause you wrote all this but if i did cause i know how ocd works and i just wanted to play safe like where does this even end… usually its said to be ocd if one has intrusive thoughts and disgusts it and i feel like in the past when i did that was fake and these days cause i know again how its is fake make a face if i get a thought and what is it with like these non sexual thoughts and thinking that this girl is actually fun or pretty cause thats how i would be attracted to a guy in the first place how and what is the difference with the same sex and like what is that boundary and if this is a possibility it could just mean that its showing bi traits and i feel it so strongly because mostly people have it gay or lesbian and cause i have it with the middle it seems more of a possibility like what do i do?!?

I hate that I dread spending time with my partner! I get so anxious that I might lose feelings when we spend time together or that I will say I want to break up or something. Most of the time it feels like ROCD but sometimes it doesn't and its so scary. Then if it isn't that, I obsess over all the mistakes I have made so I feel guilty and like a secret abuser which makes the relationship hard to enjoy too! Does anyone else dread being around their partner because of all the damage ROCD has done or is doing?

We shouldn't provide reassurance to others on this app but I think picking people up on bad days can be helpful in this type of online community. This is especially true for OCD sufferers as the thoughts can make you feel isolated. Do you all agree?

My mood completely changed all of a sudden. I was in a good mood and then remembered more things from my past that are now bothering me. Real event ocd sucks. I hate myself

anyone with ROCD, pls help me i don’t want re assurance but anyone who has recovered from this theme please help me. i’m so scared i don’t love my boyfriend. like when i look at him all i feel is anxiety and i don’t feel the love i should. but like i know love is a choice not a feeling and it’s normal to get into ruts but this is consistent. we have been together for 4 years. and now when i think about him i just get anxious.

Hi. I would love an opinion: Me and my bf, have a really similar personalities and intrest. We get along really well. The difference came out from the fact that I have an anxious attachment (= giving priority and attentions to express my love. I would love to spend all my days with him) but he is avoidant! (=super independent, prefers to do things alone, fears being "strict" in a relationship; have a lot of females friends, ready to take my place). I get really hurt by some behaviours of him, but that he do without giving them the same meaning that I see and that hurts me. He want to solve the problems. But all of that make me question myself: would be better finding someone more compatible with me (I mean, someone that gives to attentions and time spent togheter, the same importance that I give? I would prefer it, I don't want to keep being hurt... but I don't want to broke up with him either... what should I do?? Is that still rocd?

TW. So I had a really hard night last night. Well I guess technically it’s early this morning. I posted about it well actually I commented about it on a post I made like the other day it’s hard to explain. But I went crazy in the comment section of one of my own posts. The previous night I had taken a full dose of Tylenol p.m. which is two tablets woke up saying something that really mess with me saying I like something that I don’t and I just snowballed from there. I had my mom yell at me twice about her being able to hear me. I don’t understand how parents are so arrogant and deluded sometimes. She’s like you go to the bathroom and you do it deliberately so I can hear you I’m like no mom I went to the bathroom because I had to use the restroom and I was still having bad thoughts those two things can happen at the same time you know. It’s like what is it with parents and having like persecution complex is or something like they think their kids do everything to the annoy them it’s just humorous the amount of arrogance parents actually have. And then the genius is wonder where their kids get it from 🙄 But I’m not here to bitch about parent child relationships. That’s probably a different post lol. After I had my bad episode I was trying to calm down trying to just get some amount of sleep so I took a shot of tequila. It had been like anywhere from 4 to 5 hours since I had taken the Tylenol p.m. so I thought it was OK. And admittedly the shots kind of big the glass I mean so it’s probably maybe either a shot or a shot and a half like just judging by the size of the glass I don’t drink alcohol I’ll let much so I wouldn’t be able to accurately say but it was a hefty amount. And so I start to feel the effects and calm down but then I thought of hanging boobs pointy ones and I know I don’t like those. And the other thoughts I’m struggling with in my comment section on the previous post I made it’s still haunting me. And I’m scared I kept thinking nothing anything is sex with in a pair of boobs and I keep saying anything sexier than a pair of hot boots or not hot and I keep thinking of women I’m scared I am I don’t wanna start having a type of developing a thing I don’t have any kind of desire for girls whatsoever like none. And I said nothing anything sexier than that and the thing is I know I like dick and I’m scared I do and that means I don’t want the same sex I don’t want both sexes I know my love for my guys there but I didn’t act like he is and I feel funny because I don’t want more muscle I want my guy and I know he’s there and I don’t want boobs but it’s just for me to I kept smiling saying nothing anything sexier than women and I thought was thinking of their bodies saying nothing and it’s the way I was smiling though scaring me and I’m scared I was basically smiling like a dude and I’m frightened something was happening down there I don’t know if there was no like throbbing there was no swelling but I’m scared of the way I’m smiling I was scared I was feeling like that if you know what I mean and I’m scared that means that I am but I’m not bisexual and I was frightened that I was starting to get like wet like women are but they’re not sexy and when I was finally able to get home and check myself basically nothing was going on. I just don’t like the way I was smiling like a guy women are not sexier than men women are not sexy to me in that capacity at all let alone than the opposite sex. Does anybody think that me combining sleeping pills and tequila might be Contributing to my like facial expressions and shit in a weird mood I’m having? I’m very frightened I don’t like the way you’re smiling over women say nothing when anything is hotter sexier than that women naked or not my thing and I’m starting to feel funny they’re not sexy! OK back to parents being total fucking jack asses. I’m in the kitchen in my apartment. My apartment is like 1200 ft.² it is not small. It’s like. starter home so it’s not like huge or anything but it’s definitely not the typical small apartment. So I’m in my kitchen around the corner from the hallway and my mom‘s room is at the end of the hallway. And I’m not shouting I’m not yelling. I’m speaking either at a moderate voice or lower than that and so I’m using talk to text to post this because I’m just tired and I don’t have the energy to type that stuff. And I’m scared I don’t wanna change into bisexuality I don’t fucking care if it’s not wrong but that’s not the point I’m talking and I would think that it’s probably a normal level and my mom says from her room in the most obnoxious passive aggressive little sing song tone “Catlin I can hear you” I’m not even shouting so why do parents enjoy putting their kids down why do parents crave power dominance and control? Like are they really that feeble? As I feel like only feeble people want that over anyone other than themselves. But it’s like I’m not right outside her door I should be able to talk about stuff without her being such a bitch Anyway I would really appreciate some input but I wouldn’t be surprised if no one comments. I know my stuff is overwhelming