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What do false attractions feel like? Idk if I’m having them or if I’m just in denial?

Every. Single. Time. I try doing stuff with my partner over the phone I feel like “oo! I want to do this” and the second it starts I am already shutting down again. Focusing on his flaws, telling myself I’m forcing to be attracted, and suddenly I’m completely turned off by him and immediately become filled with deep fear and guilt and shame. My boyfriend and I are two years today, and all I can think about is the fact that he deserves a partner who wants him sexually. Since the beginning, I’ve struggled so much with sex. I loved having him kiss me but when we did stuff I felt disconnected and insecure and nervous and unsure and afraid. I was the very definition of a selfish lover and that didn’t change until my partner expressed how badly it was hurting him. The fact that I only was able to truly see him sexually after that is probably hardcore proof I’m forcing it. I mean, I did want him to do things to me and I wanted to do things together and I liked knowing I could turn him on but I could never reciprocate and didn’t even think about reciprocating until I realized how important it was to him and only then did that emotional importance make it arousing to me. And here’s the thing…I loved having my partners hands on me, I loved kissing him and holding him, I loved when he would hold my hand and kiss my forehead during it, he made me feel like no one has and sure it wasn’t the greatest thing because of my anxiety but it was still something I craved and desired and wanted and loved. But there’s just too much proof. Like when I try to be reciprocative, I start to panic about what I’m doing because I don’t know if I’m doing it right, if I’m doing enough, enjoying it enough and it makes me not enjoy it and when I do enjoy it I feel like I’m “forcing” myself out of pity even though I genuinely want to make my partner feel good. I know people reciprocate out of their own pleasure but it doesn’t work like that for me, honestly the purely physical sensation aspect of it means little to me. What I actually enjoy is connecting emotionally with my partner and doing something to him no one else can and letting him know how much I love him and appreciate him and making him feel good. If it didn’t hold that meaning, I wouldn’t enjoy it much. I don’t get aroused just by seeing him and I know that’s normal but why is it that I do get aroused looking at women naked or overtly sexual even though I have 0% desire to touch them and this was even before the ocd so.. I’m aroused by kissing him, holding each other, hearing him do and say things, having him touch me. On top of that everything ive read talks about this desire to touch during intimacy but I don’t have that, I honestly just kind of freeze up and don’t know what to do or how to do anything which is honestly why I was selfish at first. But when my partner leads me a little I can enjoy myself a bit more and explore a little but it’s just that expectation of it needing to go somewhere that makes me so nervous because I don’t know how to take it there and I don’t know how to let go enough to do so. I just feel broken because I so so badly want to have that desire for my partner. I want to enjoy myself and I honestly don’t care about the physical pleasure of it, that’s nothing compared to the emotional connection and intimacy of us being so vulnerable with each other and me not being able to enjoy myself makes me feel like we’re not emotionally compatible even though I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I want us to have that sexual connection, I want to please him without worrying about whether or not I like him, I want to have a fulfilling intimate life and make each other feel good because he really does get me going. I feel so scared and guilty and alone and ashamed. It’s like I’m doomed to have intercourse with a woman but that seems so painful and dreadful and uncomfortable and suffocating. With a man, specially my man I crave that desire , I want to work through my issues and be happy in my intimate life. But if it was with a woman I’d rather just give up sex for good because of how much I don’t want it. I keep focusing on his flaws, his “masculinity”, everything and making it seem dreadful. I’m sorry I just needed to vent , I feel defeated and I just want to be happy with my boy.

TWA I’m scared I said the more I looked at this girl‘s boobs the more and it’s usually the opposite but I don’t like her boobs I feel so funny in my stomach they I just called them but they’re not hot or sexy but they were really big and round and pushed off the chest I said exactly the way I but I didn’t like it exactly the way I… But I don’t like it! And I’m scared and the more I looked the more worked up I got but not in a good way and then there was a throb down there And I said boobs are brothers they’re not far from the definition of disgusting they’re not far from it! So what did I say that repeatedly? Boobs are I said not far from there the definition of disgusting! And I said the more I looked at the woman’s boobs the more that I never like that before I never liked it usually it’s the opposite I’ve never liked it! I can’t believe I said the more I look the more I like I didn’t like it I just got me feeling more and more anxious why did I throw up down there!? I said the more I look the more like I never liked it I don’t know! The more I looked and I can’t stop saying like I didn’t like it I’m scared I’m just history changing like I’m lying to myself the more I looked and I can’t stop saying liked and said I should embrace I don’t wanna embrace liking I don’t like boobs! The more I look the more I don’t know I’m scared I really did I didn’t I don’t why did I throb I never like boobs are usually the more I look the more I don’t like it! Is it don’t look anything more than I don’t like anything about boobs why would I say anything more I don’t like boobs I don’t like anything about them the more I looked the more anxious I got and I keep smiling and I keep smiling and delivery said the more I liked but I didn’t like it it’s like I’m deliberately egging my brain on! I feel funny in Hallow in my stomach! And I’m scared have a son I can’t breathe like it feels wrong to say the more I look the more I didn’t like it like it’s not true and friend the more I looked I imagine her boobs pointer I don’t know what I imagined and I said the more I…but I actually didn’t like it! I’m scared of the way I just smiled and said she is she’s not a game changer I’ve never had it reverse before usually it’s like the more that I said like I don’t like them usually the more I look the more that I don’t like it and I just got anxious then I smiled the third time I watch the video looking at her boobs imagining them pointed and said the more I but I didn’t like it why did I throb why did I smile!? I’m scared I do I don’t like big pointy boobs I don’t I don’t like boobs I don’t like big dramatic things and I don’t want people to get I don’t like boobs I don’t want people to get the wrong idea but now I’m scared I am I don’t wanna be over my guy and I make a face because he doesn’t I don’t want him to have boobs I don’t wanna be here anymore

I'm 22 and still live with my parents. My anxiety boosted while watching the king of staten island . A depressive character. Well I got triggered by everything and continued in for exposure. Now I'm scared what I will do when I dont have my parents support and have to love alone with my OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. I'm scared.

Anyone have questions about HOCD? I came out as a survivor and willing to help those who needs guidance.

ROCD related: I’m currently in a new relationship but not as joyous as Id like to be. I keep looking back at a crush I had prior to this relationship where I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere for obvious reasons, and so despite how strong my likeness was for them I was seemingly very willing to let it go as soon as I met this other person. However, ever since any sort of commitment has become a factor, I can help but deal with thoughts telling me that despite I like the person I’m with now more in the moment I’m in now, it’s not a strong as the crush I had with the other person prior. You see, this has been going on all along to where it’s not fair considering it’s blocked myself from the opportunity of truly knowing how much I like the person I’m with now. But instead, all I do is compare how there’s someone in the past that I’ve liked more and that I liked them in a way that’s stronger in which I don’t see present in my current relationship. This causes me to feel distressed, because I really just want to appreciate my current relationship. After all, the person I’m with is everything I could ask for. I just want to enjoy her and focus solely on her. I also am aware that for as long as these things bother me, I wonder be able to discover how much I truly like her, all this does is put me in a place where I feel like I’m trying to force and manufacture my own feelings.

TW*** I really think my true sexuality is gay and at some level ive accepted it too. But when I accept being gay my brain dosent stop there, it feels like I want to be the girl in the relationship. It gives me so much anxiety and depression. When i get sexual thoughts in my head, it replaces the girl with me as if im the one doing the acts. This makes me not want to accept that im gay but isnt that just denial that Im trans? Then this gay girl triggered me that many gay people realize their gender is different too when they realize they homosexuality. I dont know man, im trying not think about this and trying my hardest to email my therapist tonight and set up sessions asap. I dont really have much hope and not sure how he will be able to help me bc I think ive figured it all out already. Please dont say its ok to be this or that or youll figure it out eventually, that just triggers me more.

+18 I’m having a really really hard time the past week. For context, this past fall I was googling “scared that I’m gay even though I know I’m not” and it lead me to find out about SOCD. Originally, this gave me a lot of relief. However, since then I’ve been experiencing a terrible episode of fearing that I’m gay and I’m in denial and lying to myself. I think I’ve dealt with this ever since I was 12ish years old because I remember this fear coming up in me and having sleepless nights for so long. I worry that since I’ve had this for so long that I must just be repressing my true sexuality, especially since I’ve had lesbian dreams before. On top of it, I’ve been terrified that maybe I just need to try to be with a woman to figure out if I like it, and then I’m terrified that if I like I’d have to turn my whole world upside down. Even though I’ve never had romantic feelings towards a woman before and I don’t want to be with one. On top of that, I have a wonderful boyfriend who I just want to be happy with because I love him so much. I just want this whiplash of constant doubt and suffering to stop so I can just go about my normal life and enjoy time with my boyfriend who’s the love of my life. I’m just so sad and feel so helpless right now. If anyone has any encouraging words I’d love to hear them.

I really need advice asap. There's this one friend I have and we're really close. We text everyday and have for the past two years. But lately, she's been just... Annoying me. IDK everything she does annoys me. It's probably something on me too, a reflection of myself. While texting and in person. I tell her about my ocd (which, yeah, I talk about a lot) and she changes the subject to her ADHD a lot (not always). She's a lesbian while I'm straight and whenever I try to talk to her about boys she's like BUT GIRLS. She says that she wants to change and create habits and get off her butt but she says she can't and doesn't try (says her ADHD won't let her do it?). She says she wants to be spontaneous and have crazy energy in our last years of high school but she won't go out (I know she isn't an extrovert but she says she wants to be spontaneous but won't do anything unless it's extensively planned in advance.) IDK what to do anymore. I love her a lot but I just am so annoyed with her. It's probably on me, getting annoyed with her. It's kind of like I want better for her but she won't work for it (for example, she got mad at me when I asked (yes, multiple times) to come to church with me and watch me play piano (becuase she wouldn't play piano herself tho I needed her help). She said she would, the night before said hey I need to sleep in and I said okay. The next morning was daylight savings and a short service (kids Sunday) and I was like OH THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT DAY FOR YOU TO COME and she went off on me and I felt horrible) I don't know what I should do or how to bring it up to her if I decide to take a break from her or our friendship. Please help asap!? I kind of feel bad for even writing this. It's probably on me.

I’m on a very long trip without my bf and my thoughts have gotten extremely real. I feel like I am attracted to girls and that I am for sure a lesbian. I have found so many ”what if” thoughts roaming and it’s so hard to not go on a loop and come to the realization that I am a lesbian. I feel like I am attracted to boobs and I try to see if I am but it’s hard not to I just want to now. I also have always found amazement from confident women and I have always tried to mimic their behavior because I want to be like that but today I had the thought that maybe I try to mimic that behavior because I personally think it’s attractive and because I have been surrounded with heterosexual people I do it for men when in reality it’s because I like it. This thought has really scared me because it all connects and it freaks me out. I can’t even see a girl anymore because I’ll look at their boobs and then freak out. This trip has been so so hard for me, at the same time I have always liked boys but now I’m scared that these thoughts have opened something else for me. This gives me so much stress and frustration. I just want to know I like boys and never think about it again. I want to marry my bf without ever doubting anything

I told myself last night to absolutely contact the therapist when I wake up today, woke up late and still havent, i just cant understand how an ocd therapist will help when ive figured out the thoughts in my head and reached a conclusion as much as I didnt want to. I just cant deal with anxiety and depression

Pls help me I genuinely require it rn…… I sometimes have the same question and think what if I actually thought cause i wanted to think about it and it wasn't intrusive and what if one percent possibility that I actually did then it would just mean my ocd is a cover up and its a lie idk if i am making sense but it usually happens in dreams and sometimes i think i think stuff cause i want to could that actually mean something like i think it could right?!? Is this even ocd. Like how is this not ocd if i am thinking of something because i want to and it doesn’t feel intrusive is it ocd doing it to me or me just denying cause a lot of coming out stories mention the word want or like or desire what if or if mine is the same then where from here cause i think I actually did and it didn’t feel intrusive and me just reading this as third person would just say after reading this she is just in denial cause these thoughts don’t feel forced but feel like they are rather a choice and no one here has said this with ocd or ig will even relate to this what do i do?!?

Someone with rocd help i see him in my future but i just had a panick attack that made my brain say break up and i got hot and scared and upset and i didnt want to do that. Im so nervous guys. I was happy and everything. Also does rocd hold you back from a relationship? I have so many doubts and everything

Anyone scared they are going to have an allergic reaction even though they never had one before?

So I‘m a Christian and it says that everything you do , like making someone a gift or using make up , you should do with pure motives or thoughts. For me I feel like everything I do is not fully pure. Of course I want love to be in the world an peace and happiness, but I also like getting attention or compliments, I like making myself pretty , I like Beeing proud when I did something good . Maybe I‘am not made to be a Christian, maybe it is to late for me but I suffer and are not happy right know since I try to get under als theses rules, I really do not know how to behave right or how other Christians are so happy under all these laws.

21 F, been dealing with pocd for a while now. My pocd mainly revolves around fear of being attracted to teenagers. I’m afraid some of my sexual fantasies suggest that i am a monster even though i would never do anything with anyone underage in real life. I have a lot of fantasies involving guys losing their virginity because male orgasms arouse me and losing your virginity seems like the biggest orgasm one has. Most guys lose their virginity around 16-18 and movies that i’ve used with sex scenes involving losing virginity to fuel some visuals for these fantasies have the characters around 16-18 typically in high school (even though the actors are of age). I have no real life interest in taking someone’s virginity, in fact these fantasies don’t even involve me i’m not even in them and i’m usually just focused on how the guy must feel. im queer and think i generally prefer women, male orgasm fantasies (about virginity or just any other male orgasm) and such are just the quickest way for me to orgasm, and i have to fantasize to orgasm. I’d like to think these fantasies about male orgasms are related to my gender issues, i was a huge tomboy growing up and now feel as i identify with being genderqueer. So i think this explains the fantasies as part of me would find it sexually exciting to lose my virginity but as a guy. when i lost my actual virginity it was very underwhelming and i don’t really enjoy the sensations of having sex with a man. My ocd has made me really worry i just have some sort of teenage boy fetish and that’s why i have these fantasies. Any advice on how to combat these thoughts and fears would be helpful.

It feels like because I think girls are “prettier” that EVERY scenario I try to imagine it would “look” better because of their aesthetic which makes zero sense. Even in regards to sexual stuff and it’s really freaking me out. I DONT CARE ABOUT AESTHETICS OR LOOKS, I DONT CARE IF GIRLS LOOK PRETTIER THEY DONT MAKE ME FEEL GOOD 😭😭

Does anyone else get triggered by astrology? My fiancé and I have been together 4 1/2 years and lately my ROCD is bubbling back up. I noticed it’s really hyper-fixating on the fact that we aren’t in each others love, soulmate, or relationship matches. As if that changes that fact that we love each other and intend on a life long relationship together. It’s driving me crazy. More than anything I hate the gut feelings of fear I get. I fear I’ll leave him and find someone better or vice versa. It’s so stressful

Being a priority always meant being loved for me. It's my way to express feelings too. But not for my bf! He always want space, and doing things alone. This makes me doubt a lot if he loves me or not. But than I realised it is his decision: if he doesn't love me he will leave me,( I can't leave because he doesn't love me, it wouldn't have sense!) But he doesn't make me a priority and doesn't leave me. He loves me without making me a priority. I'm confuse. A lot. Should be like that in couples? You shouldn't be always a priority for the other?

Could use a little help pls.. going through a lot…Its feels like sometimes i want to think about these thoughts like I willingly think of a girl… and my biggest question what is the difference between knowing that i only like the same sex as friends and nothing more like i like the company and emotionally connect with one of my friend the most so what does that mean how do i not know how i like it and if its more than just friends and if i even consider this possibility what does that mean?!? Like miley cirus too and lili reinheart were both happily in relationships but suddenly came out as bi like what does that signify?!? And like being bi is so causal and what does that mean now then?! Like its like i am with a guy and i can be with a girl too and i feel like if i even think of it as a possibility which it could be and me just saying that says a lot right?!? How can i be so confused if who i am?! And then i watched a reel on Instagram saying i wanna be alone my entire life and fir a second i felt like i resonated with it but i have wanted a family always in the past and now it felt like cause I didn’t want to be with the same sex or take that as a possibility cause i am scared i was okay being alone and this all could just prove my denial is true and talking about denial the people who are actually in it would they also feel like us and how are we different to them?! And these days i feel like these thoughts are not bothering me i am just sitting with them if its ocd and extreme i should be panicky and not find these thoughts so possible and like not intrusive and always trying to figure out if it’s intrusive… is it also ocd that there’s this one part of me thats constantly telling me these thoughts are true and one part which feels its true as well but if feel what does that mean and if it feels is it ocd confusing my emotions or actually true like what?!? Will i be able to like a guy like o used to before all this and now someone will say its ocd cause you wrote all this but if i did cause i know how ocd works and i just wanted to play safe like where does this even end… usually its said to be ocd if one has intrusive thoughts and disgusts it and i feel like in the past when i did that was fake and these days cause i know again how its is fake make a face if i get a thought and what is it with like these non sexual thoughts and thinking that this girl is actually fun or pretty cause thats how i would be attracted to a guy in the first place how and what is the difference with the same sex and like what is that boundary and if this is a possibility it could just mean that its showing bi traits and i feel it so strongly because mostly people have it gay or lesbian and cause i have it with the middle it seems more of a possibility like what do i do?!?