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the NOCD Community

To start off I am a female, I have been dealing with HOCD since I was 14 years old in late 2015. My HOCD has been on and off the past few years but late December of 2021 it came back. I feel that the start of My HOCD came from childhood same-sex experimentation and p*rn*graphy. I occasionally watched porn but not all of the time. Sometimes I would watch lesbian p*rn and straight p*rn and I would be aroused to both. I stopped watching porn after I turned 14. Even though the experiences that I’ve had led me to having HOCD, I have always been a straight female. I am attracted to males, have feelings and have only been in relationships with males. I start therapy in two weeks I’m ready but I’m also afraid. I’m scared that it won’t help and I’ll feel like this for the rest of my life. Right now im scared because I feel that the same-sex childhood experimentation and p*rn*graphy makes me feel that I am lesbian, but I am not nor do I want to be.

Compulsions are at a minimum but my brain is driving me insane. I overthink everything, I don't think I'll ever be in a normal relationship with a brain like this I hate it I hate it I love my girlfriend but I don't even know my sexuality and I don't know why it's even a big deal I feel like it's going to take over one day all over again. The weeks drag by as I crave not being sober so I don't have to think so much about anything I can just have a good time and be happy with my girlfriend.

Please help me guys 🥺 My last post from 10 mins ago is killing me. The sensations omg I don’t want to be here.

Please help. I cannot sit with these thoughts anymore. I really think I may like them and I feel like I want to act on them and won’t be happy until I do. It’s almost like the graphic intrusive images in my head are getting louder and louder until I come out. I have always identified as a straight female and don’t know what to do now because I feel like I am attracted to ever girl I see and not attracted to guys, even though I never want to actually date a woman. I have had absolutely no relief from these thoughts and they are making me want to die because if they are true I will not live a gay life.

Sometimes I feel like my good days are symptoms of bi polar depression. I guess it’s a mild ocd theme for me. But on my good days when my primary themes aren’t bothering me, my depression is lifted, I’m not dealing with headaches from my ocd and I’m a lot more productive at work and happy in general. I feel like maybe I’m experiencing mania of some sort. I don’t really think that’s what’s going on though, but I start second guessing. It’s like I can’t even enjoy feeling better. *sigh*

I feel very distressed right now and haven't been able to find anyone who feel the same way i do. I've have SOCD for a while but the last couple of days i feel i have developed TOCD ( transgender ocd ). However i also feel like it may be depersonalisation, i feel disconnected from my body and specifically my female areas which is very scary as i do not want to be trans. It feels like they don't belong to me and feel foreign on my body. I've never experienced this before and feel scared as i like being a woman and don't want my life to change. I'm not looking for reassurance just for someone to share their experiences with depersonalisation and if they have ever felt the same.

Why am I suddenly now wondering if I am transgender? Like I look in the mirror and do not feel pretty at all anymore and when I talk I feel like I worry about sounding masculine, as well as if people think I look masculine, etc. I am a straight woman and have been battling with intrusive thoughts about my sexuality for some time now, and I am now suddenly questioning my gender identity too. Has anyone else with SOOCD experienced this, where you develop TOCD as a result of endless rumination cycles surrounding your SOOCD? Like I look into the future and know that I want to be a wife and mother and I want to have a husband and kids, but my OCD is telling me that I will be and act like a man and that will never happen. This is literally 10000x more distressing to me than my SOOCD was because I have honestly never understood the concept of being transgender but now I fear that that is who I am and who I have to be. Please help I cannot be the only one suddenly feeling like this. I want to feel confident and pretty and feminine again and I feel like I am never going to be able to. How do I know that this isn’t gender dysphoria/that I really want to become a man

Woke up at 4am last night with the memory of hitting a curb while driving 5 years ago and thinking “what if it was actually a person and what if you killed them and just never got caught” .. Fighting the compulsion to look back at police reports from 5 years ago to see if there was any “hit and runs” ☹️

TW Does anyone else have this, I’ve come to a stage where I feel I’m at my worst (even though it’s probably not true). I really feel like I’m turning into the person I have feared to be for the most part of a year now. Every thought that comes in to my head I don’t feel any anxiety nor disgust anymore, if I think about anything that is disgusting I feel nothing whatsoever. My compulsions are at the worst they have ever been but most days I’ll think “what’s the point in even doing the compulsions” because I don’t feel anything towards them. I haven’t masterbated in weeks because I just feel weird every time I think about sex. Every time I say to myself “I don’t want these thoughts anymore” my mind will say yes you do and I get this urge or feeling as if I do. I’ve tried to look up some of these symptoms but every-time I look, most articles just say “someone is stressed all the time” or “debilitated by these feelings”, I use to feel like that but I feel like my mind has been warped over time and it’s as if my body and mind have given up and said “You do like these thoughts so you might as well act on them”. Sorry for the long winded paragraph but I just feel so uncomfortable at the moment and I just don’t know who I am at the moment.

All ocd is horrible to go through but there’s something about hocd that’s really difficult. It feels like your lying to yourself when u know your not. I know I’m straight because when I don’t have these intrusive thoughts I feel myself again. Does anyone else with hocd like panic if they see like another woman in say like lingerie or something on say Instagram ? Sounds stupid but I’ll see a girl like that on Instagram and it’s like a part of my brain that I don’t want saying you are attracted to that you want a woman you are gay. I know it’s ocd but then does anyone else have moments were they panic and just think shall I just give up maybe I’m just in denial? But then if I say okay I’m by that’s fine I just feel like I’m lying to myself cause I know I’m not. It’s like you can’t win. If I see like a woman’s chest like I can appreciate that boobs are pretty which I do think they are but I’m not attracted to them the same way I am with male body parts if you get me. But it’s like a part of your brain that’s convincing you you do. Like I’m scared

Does anyone else feel like when they say their identity out loud it is a lie? Like I am a straight woman and have been straight my whole life and have been in two relationships—both with men who I was happily in love with. I can draw my intrusive thoughts back to childhood, but it was always a very brief experience where I would be like “oh I finally have nothing to worry about” and then my brain would be like “wait nevermind you have to worry about the fact that you are gay and in denial.” But every time, these thoughts would go away and I would never have them when I was actually in my relationships or talking to someone. These fears are now back and more real than ever, making me feel like I am actually physically attracted to women and losing my natural biological attitude to men. I do not want to be gay at all and the thought of being that has been making me physically I’ll because it is just now who I am and want to be. I think what makes this all worse is that it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship, so having these thoughts and feelings feels like reality because I have no recent experience with being in a relationship with a man and because of that, my self esteem is extremely low. I now feel triggered by every little thing in life, from hearing the word “gay”/“lesbian”/“lgbt”/“coming out”, to seeing any women of literally any age or appearance out in public, thinking I must be attracted to them. I keep checking my attraction to both males and females and am fearful because I feel like I am losing my attraction to men, which is something that never happened when these thoughts appeared in my life before this most recent flare up. I don’t know if any other people who identify as straight have similar experiences to this, but I cannot help but feel like I am the exception because I did have these thoughts before now (even though they went away for years). I would appreciate any help/insight because the longer I struggle with these thoughts, the farther and farther I feel my old, true self drifting away. I was always able to hang onto the fact that I want a future with a man and want a husband and kids, but now it’s like even that is gone and even though I never want to be with a woman, it’s like these thoughts have convinced me that I will never be with a man. Please help.

Hi there. I'm unsure of what I'm allowed to post here. I guess this is just an attempt to find out how alone I really am. I am aware that I'm not allowed to ask for reassurance so I guess I'm just asking if there is anyone who can relate. I think I understand how intrusive thoughts operate in those with OCD. I get them too. Violent, sexual, inappropriate. Where I feel I might differ is that I'm even unsure of whether or not those intrusive thoughts are real. Basically, whether they only happened in my mind or actually happened in real life. Just an example. A violent or sexual or whatever thought would come up. VERY vivid. Then I would have to check over and over again for proof that it didn't happen. The big issue is when it's absolutely impossible to be sure. How do you know if you harmed a child? Do I ask them? If it isn't mine, do I ask their parents? This is only one example of many "themes" I guess? I can doubt some of the (apparently very obvious) things. My mind won't stop. The same goes for driving, writing/speaking (did I just say/write that) , did I just put bleach in the food? Again, these images are extremely vivid. Could this be something other than OCD? Is it just poor insight? This type of doubt can also latch on anything in the distant past. "Did I kill/rape/harm someone and then forgot?" "What did that person mean by that?" "Do I have HIV/ an STD or cancer?" "Is my son really mine?" "Did I just do something inappropriate", whatever most shocking in the moment. Did I walk around with my pants down? This list really is endless and can attach itself to anything. Guess I can also add that I'm obsessed with my appearance (btw I'm male). Not obsessed in a vain way, rather obsessed with every single flaw in every part of my body. Almost like everyone is part of this massive puzzle and I'm the piece that just doesn't fit. Like a factory defect. This might seem like I'm just looking for attention and maybe it's the case. I think I just want to know that I'm not completely alone. It's very isolating and takes away everything and everyone I care about. Don't know why I'm like this. Yes, I've considered ending everything. Would love to say I haven't because I'm just such a good person and so selfless. Truth is, I'm just terrified. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want anyone to say about what I'm sharing. As far as I can remember, it all started as a very young child with religious fears and obsessions. This was around the time my parents were seperating if that matters at all. I'm South African and as far as I can understand users here are mostly from the USA and UK? Maybe Australia too? So I'm not sure if my way of communicating here translates well? People mostly don't understand this condition and guess that's how I ended up here. I'm sorry for bringing my negativity here. Not the intention. Just desperate. It's like falling down a tree and grabbing for branches, this might be one of those branches. Just to add. I am on medication but it feels like it's only making this worse. Constant anxiety, constant fear and constant doubt. I hate myself and I hate this. This is not a life.

this thought just broke my heart. i was so happy thinking about how my sister & i are going to design my graduation cap then ocd decided to snap at me and a bring on the disgusting most disturbing thoughts. i wish it would please just stop attacking the people i love and care about. has anyone else experienced thoughts about their family members bfs?😞 im so fed up. i wish i could just laugh at my thoughts and let them pass. but i cant because it literally involves the people i value the most.

I was reading a book about London. And there was one building which apparently is a comedy club and it had comedians on there and one I recognize her but I can’t remember her name. And I imagine kissing her lips the profile like the picture on the wall and I smiled I’m scared I must be I don’t wanna be a lesbian or bisexual “the vibe I got made me think that she might be but I’m not bisexual. Like I smiled and said I am scared I felt unlocked in my chest I don’t I do I don’t want to kiss women I don’t wanna exist anymore. It still didn’t feel right but I kept smiling in my head and in my like expression like on my face was smiling and I imagine kissing it repeatedly like the picture and I’m scared I forced it like I act like it’s gross that I don’t but I want to kiss a man I’m naturally more interest in the man and when I imagine kissing a woman l I don’t know why I keep remembering saying I’ll let yourself in smiling in my head and I said in my heart I don’t want my heart to be into this and I said you can’t control that but I’ve never been into it and that thing is despite the smile it didn’t feel right there’s attention in my chest. I don’t wanna kiss women I’m scared I can’t stop imagining in despite imagining putting my lips on the picture and the fact that I imagined much more x-rayed things I don’t I still don’t like it I’m scared I just now try to say it with the conviction I still want and I almost felt better saying that but I don’t wanna feel better saying that I want them when I don’t want women. Smiling and allowing myself to imagine kissing the woman cause of the vibe scares me because I don’t vibe like that I don’t like them I don’t like women like that I want men i’ve never felt like that before and despite like I said despite the smiles it didn’t feel right it felt weird. I just I don’t like nothing more to sell better I don’t want to kiss the woman if I’m straight and I’m not gay why would I saying like nothing more when I don’t I didn’t really like it I just felt force in my chest felt so tense despite smiling and I said despite actually but I didn’t enjoy it so it’s despite the smiling I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want to know who I am anymore I’m not a lesbian I didn’t enjoy it I didn’t feel right now I’m scared I’m gonna look at that comedian definitely forever I’m scared I do now and I keep feeling weird on my mouth I don’t wanna feel her lips on mine I don’t wanna put my hand out on smiling like I’m OK I don’t wanna be bisexual I don’t wanna squeeze boobs I didn’t feel right I can’t take this I’m scared I am afraid of the warm way I’m smiling I don’t want to get into this I don’t want to warm up to it! I don’t wanna enjoy this I don’t wanna start I don’t wanna kiss women I don’t wanna kiss and I can’t I’m scared I feel every time I see the picture I’ll look at her lips and feel I’m scared I’ve just been resisting this whole time but I’ve never wanted to kiss I said more but I’ve never wanted to kiss a woman before little more I don’t wanna kiss her and I’m smiling. See my heart but it doesn’t want to kiss her! Just gonna do I don’t wanna see what she’s not a scam smiling like I keep nodding up and down saying excepting I don’t I said my attraction imagining big I called him hot I don’t want hairy or ball didn’t want big round they’re not hot I don’t want sagging naked boobs I don’t want big round one second I’m scared him :-) I don’t wanna I don’t wanna except that I don’t wanna see your naked she’s not hot she’s not hot I’m scared I do when I’m blushing I don’t want older or younger women I don’t want vagina I want penis I want to try and it’s not hot I’m scared I feel differently now I don’t want to start I don’t want older or younger I don’t want my age I wanna start I’m scared I don’t wanna start liking I don’t wanna start liking women there’s nothing more than I don’t like

So this morning I woke up with anxiety and started thinking how would my parents and sister react when i tell them I got ocd. I just imagined my sister laughing at me as if I meant nothing. No one believed me. And now I just can't get this image out of my head😕 it feels lonely

I am a very sensitive person and I have a hard time controlling my emotions which I’ve noticed my whole life but it’s seems to have gotten worse when I formed ocd. I was wondering what I could do to not be so sensitive or emotional all the time and if ocd could have something to do with it. I’m actually really tired of people telling me all the time “You’re overly emotional” or “you’re too sensitive”. Also was wondering if I were to have thicker skin would it be an advantage to helping with ocd and the things it makes me feel like anxiety or depression (which could maybe have something to do with it either). I’m not really asking for reassurance just kind of seeing if maybe anyone has gone through this too and if there’s anything I can do to work on it and get better 🙂

I’ve had nearly every single OCD theme you can think of and most of them are gone. If you have any questions for me, comment below! 😚

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after I recover from this. A huge part of me is gone.

I’m scared about how these thoughts have become so real. I am starting to think I’m in denial and it’s a matter of time til I have to break up with my boyfriend. This is so hard but I’m trying to keep compassion toward myself. He keeps being the sweet, kind soul he always is and it makes me feel so terrible and guilty. I just want to know I like boys even a little bit so that I can stay with him. Whenever I want to enjoy the moment with him I get the reminder that I like girls so I can never really enjoy the moment. I have no feeling of excitement or anything and I just know I want to let myself be happy with him but there’s always something. Can anyone give me advice on what to do when the thoughts are present during a good moment or when I don’t feel anything/ feel disconnected. Or any advice at all. I don’t want to like girls it’ll change everything for me, my whole life will be completely turned around and I don’t want that.

Hey guys at universal theme park with my family and my trigger is attractive women and feeling like seeing them/noticing them is cheating on my fiancé whom I love and really want to be loyal to. I tried doing erp with it but now it’s getting to the point where I am depressed and honestly feeling like there is no hope/ $uicidal thoughts. Could really use some help, encouragement, or advice. I’m so exhausted, so upset with myself, and so sick of being scared and worrying about being unfaithful. I just feel like I’m at my wits end here. If there’s a way to encourage without reassurance that would be great!