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all i know is the "maybe maybe not" but the doubts and rumination still going, also in fact i cant accept that my thoughts are ego dystonic or that i have insight at all, what should i do or say to myself?

It’s been a while since I have been on this platform. In August, 2022, I said goodbye to my OCD therapist. Excerpt from my OCD diary: Aug, 2022 I just said goodbye to my therapist. She texted me this morning “are you running late?” The second time in a row I had forgotten about my therapy session. Maybe the third time? All after I had knocked them down from an hour to thirty minutes. I simply had nothing to talk about. I consider my OCD in remission (something my therapist helped me to understand- as an obsessive compulsive mindset doesn’t necessarily go away, your response to the specific obsessions can). Full days go by that I do not think about my obsessions. When they rise, I continue to engage with my fearful thoughts by confronting them. I wanted to post again because I read an interesting excerpt on shame- which we know flourishes in an OCD mindset. “First, I know my physical symptoms of shame— the dry mouth, time slowing down, tunnel vision, hot face, racing heart. I know that playing the painful slow-motion reel over and over in my head is a warning sign.” (Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection) If that does not describe an OCD rumination storm I don’t know what does. And what is the fix? “Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it-it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy”. (Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection) This resonated with the way I felt when I learned about OCD. When I found out what OCD was I could pull apart the shame I had been feeling and label it. I could define the experiences I was having. Rumination. Obsession. Compulsions. Anxiety. Pure-O. Groinal Response. There was power in exposing the shame I had; I now knew why I was having the obsessions, why I was doing the compulsions, and why I still felt like shit. Then without knowing Brené Brown’s strategy for tackling shame. I reached out. I found a confidant; my mother. I found a therapist. I found this community. I found other communities. I found a different therapist. I found books. I shared my story. I shared my shame. Not broadly from the rooftops. But to people I knew could understand, support, and encourage. I found peace through sharing my shame with you. Seven months ago I considered myself over OCD. It still comes up but it doesn’t rage. All this to say. Thank you for listening to me talk about my shame. The courage, compassion, and connection through this platform saved my life. Additionally, as a sufferer of OCD you are in the right place. Sharing shame on this platform is a step in the right direction; a step towards recovery. Finally, you know your shame. So grapple, tug, drag, grind, force your shame into the light. Tell other people about it. Not only does it starve your shame; it helps others to know they are not alone. It tells others to share their shame—kill it, don’t feed it. Thank you.

Having ocd are you also afraid to have sex with your partner? I have a terrible problem with this and don't know what to do. Before, it did not cause me any difficulty.

I've got a constant urge that I've lost the magical feelings I had for my boyfriend and I need to find a new crush to be happy again. I'm afraid I'll end up liking someone. I know I want Noone but him but this thought won't leave my mind. It's like my mind is convinced I won't be able to revive my own self back unless I get a new crush with all those exciting feelings back. Please someone going through it help me out. How do I work these urges? They are making me feel as if I'm attracted to men I don't even want.

Its unbelievable to me how few therapists & so called mental health professionals Do NOT understand how to Treat OCD" ?? How is this possible when OCD is such a debilitating mental health illness that millions have? I and millions others suffer everyday with No help & unless ur wealthy enough to afford one of the rare therapists that actually treats OCD then ur left alone with nothing! Its just not Right!! ALL counselors & therapists SHOULD be skilled & trained in ERP & treating OCD. Its disgusting they have degrees years of schooling and OCD is completely left out as if we don't matter when it IS a REAL medical mental health condition!! I just don't get it!!

My mind is really obsessing over someone else that isn’t my partner. So I will think of my partner first then this other boy will replace my boyfriend face and name and I’ll just be like why no stop like I don’t wanna think of that other boy just my boyfriend. It’s so annoying and stressful. I just wanna cry because I don’t wanna think of that other boy and it’s like my mind will replace what I imagine with my bf with this over boy. I don’t want this boy to pop up in my mind anymore. My minds telling me I like him and it feels like I have to say it with my tongue and I don’t wanna. I don’t like him I jus love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else but my mind makes me feel as if I like this other boy and I don’t like that and I just really want tips on how to handle these thoughts. Also earlier I admitted that this boy was attractive then later I’m like no he’s not that attractive now I feel guilty for finding him attractive but it’s like I can’t make up if he is I don’t think he’s that attractive but then I will feel like he kinda is idk. I don’t wanna find him attractive nor think of him. My mind makes me feel as if I have a crush on this boy that isn’t my boyfriend and it’s like I know I don’t but it feels like I actually do and I don’t wanna think that I want it to go away I just don’t know how.

Today is my birthday and I'm feeling like throwing up from this anxiety. This is tmi and I talk about masturbation, if anyone is sensitive to that. For me, everything related to my sexuality has always carried negative feelings. This is a bit tmi, but when younger I used to masturbate to the feeling of anxiety. When a bit older, I used to masturbate to seeing a photo of women holding hands and thinking: "if you do this, then you're a lesbian". This led to pornography, which has always carried the same negative tone. Being with a man has always been my dream. Having a stable home, a loving husband, being a devoted wife, a good mother. I've had crushes, I've written down lists of what to look for in a guy. I've had hocd for a while, since 2019, but last year I was doing so well that I developed a crush on a man who's now my boyfriend. I was the one who liked him first, and he corresponded my feelings. He's the sweetest man I've ever met, he's just so loving. He adores me too. I'm serious about this guy. When we got intimate, I responded to his touch, but I couldn't come. We're in a long distance relationship and he's away, but until now, even alone, I can only have an orgasm if I'm thinking about being with a woman, and what this might mean about me. I hate it. Deeply. I'm broken. I don't want to be with a woman, I've never liked the idea, but what if this is nothing but internalized homophobia? This makes me want to die. When I was doing better, last year, I didn't think much about this. I thought I was straight, but maybe bi. I didn't care very much about it. I was feeling good. What's going on?? :(

so i believe in God and i’m gay. anytime i ever do anything that has to deal with me and another many or thinking of it or anything i feel like God is upset with me, something bad is going to happen; or since my thoughts have died down i think maybe my thoughts will come back or they will happen. i was wondering if this fall into religious OCD or if anyone else out there deals with this like i do?

I asked this before but i started worrying again casue i have other symptoms. So i wrote before that i heared whispers that doesnt had any meaning while i was trying to sleep, or when i felt tired. But now i got my intrusive thoughts(harm) as voices, to do things i dont want. Im not having constantly i just know i had and im afraid so much that i had psychosis. I was diagnosed with depression and im taking meds but before i took it i had the same but soo rarely. I thought its just an obsession, but now im worrying cause depression can make you go crazy if its so severe... Im aware that im having these voices and i know its my mind but sometimes i get so lost in this worry that i start questioning if its my mind or something bigger power talking to me and i get so scared, panicky that i have to ask reassurance from someone that it can happem or no. Then i feel calm. Can this be psychosis?

I put things off because it's the only way I can allow myself to imperfectly complete a task. I can just say, I ran out of time and it's good enough even though I hate 'good enough'. I feel like because life is imperfect, I'll never finish something to my standard, which makes me really angry.

I think I visit people too much like I’m annoying them. Is it OCD so I carry on as I am or do I start staying home more? I live alone so I get really bored on my own and I only have a few friends atm so there are only so many people I can visit.

I need help so I did this thing like a while ago multiple times I would Zoom in on pictures of guys in they're track suit at they're private place the thing is I have a bf and I felt bad and I'm like I'm in the wrong now I was watching a video it was like calling sex operators and I thought maybe I should do that now I've been thinking about what I thought for the past hour and what made it worse is that I remembered I zoomed in on a guy private part before that wasn't my bf I feel so quilts and dirty bro I feel like I'm cheating ikd if this is ocd or not but I'm scared to tell my bf I don't want to tell him hut at the same time I feel like it's wrong of me to keep such a thing I'm scared he will probably break up with me for this we been together for a year and 3 months I wanna cry bro I feel so guilty someone help have you been through this idk what to do I'm scared I don't want to yell him but I feel guilty for not aomeone help

This is probably very TMI but last night i watched porn (im going to stop because it messes with my head) and after i had a feeling of wanting to cheat and now i have the worst guilt of my life and i wanted to cry to her about it. We also are long distance

Hi everyone, My name is Olivia. I’m a 27 y/o female with two little ones. I found this community by searching YouTube for reassurance on this topic (as I know us OCD peeps often do lol). So I have struggled with anxiety and OCD most of my life, but this past year the OCD side has been quite intense… I had my little girl in April of last year, so I think it might have to do with postpartum. Anyways, my husband and I bought a home almost two years ago - the home was perfect for us; it had a pool, 2400 sq ft, a large detached workshop, and sat on a beautiful 3-acre lot in the country. Two weeks before closing, we got a call from our realtor that the seller (single, elderly woman) had passed away and the daughter no longer wanted to sell (we were under contract already so we hired a lawyer and won). After that whole mess, we later found out that the woman had taken her life inside of our bedroom with a gun. This was not disclosed to us, as we live in a “Buyer Beware” state. We did know that it was a suicide, but were actually lied to by their lawyer and told that it happened off of the property. Ever since I found out about what really happened, I have developed a complete case of “Suicidal OCD”. It is so bad and I am so scared that I will get to a point where I will act on these horrible fears and intrusive thoughts. I think about it so much throughout the day that I am just mentally exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I am seeing a therapist weekly where we are working on CBT, but I know these things take time. I wish I could just get rid of these terrifying thoughts. Am I the only one?

Everyday I feel extremely down and I don’t know how to snap out of it. Intrusive thoughts are always playing in my head and won’t stop. I’ve been feeling down for the longest time to the point where it doesn’t feel right to be happy or do anything positive for myself. It’s as if I want to be miserable and don’t want anything good to happen to me. I don’t deserve it and I don’t think I can truly overcome this. I get eaten up everyday and lil by lil, a piece of myself slips away to the point where I don’t recognize myself anymore or care for myself. I don’t want to feel like this anymore😔I feel so detached from reality.

This may be a bit tmi for some, it’s disgusting to even have to write this out, So for a long time I’ve been struggling with this worry that I ‘like the feeling of imagining doing that intrusive thought’ i don’t know how to explain it but when I imagined the intrusive thought (it’s about smothering with a pillow) it felt like I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ when imagining it and then I was worrying about it for so long thinking that I ‘like the feeling of stopping someone from breathing’ and its been bothering me for months, I can’t get over it and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to ‘test’ myself and most times I get a ‘shudder’ or ‘electric shock’ kind of feeling and I feel really tense which should make me know ‘I don’t like it’ but I don’t believe it and keep imagining it until I get a headache from the amount of tension I’m getting through these ‘shudders/electric shock feeling’ but I keep having scary thoughts like ‘if its true that you like the feeling (it feels very true) what if you will end up doing it and liking it in the future and then you become a serial killer and enjoy doing that and are addicted to the ‘feeling’ like what these evil people do, and its really scary thought and feels extremely real like I feel like I’m believing this now more than ever I keep crying and praying and I don’t know what to do, I also read this news article about this man that murdered these roommates, people where commenting on the video saying ‘what was his motive’ and some people were saying ‘probably pleasure’ and that was worrying me and I was relating it to myself since I’ve been worrying because it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ of imagining acting on the intrusive thought or it feels like I would ‘like the feeling’ of squashing someone’s face with a pillow and stopping them from breathing (sorry I know that sounds disgusting) I’m really worried, I don’t want it to be true I don’t want to like something so horrible and if it’s true that I hate it why can’t I recognise that and why does it feel so real that I ‘like the feeling’ I’m really really worried, I’m meant to be starting college in a few months, I finally managed to apply since I was feeling better for a few weeks and was learning to cope not dwelling on the thoughts but I’m worrying again I don’t see how I can live with these fears they feel so real I feel like the only reason I’ve been coping as well is because I’ve hidden all the pillows behind the sofa because they were giving me a lot of stress and the thoughts felt to scarily real like I would actually do that and would ‘like the feeling of doing that’ I don’t understand say if it’s true that I like the feeling why does it feel like that if I hate it so much????

Hi all- My psychiatrist recommended for me to start on TMS therapy. It is traditionally used for treating depression but has lately been used to treat ocd. Has anyone gone thru this treatment? Any advice or comments? Naturally I’m anxious about it

Can this be ocd thinking.? So this guy and i were in a situationship for a long time and we both started feeling like we need a little time off or him or ig because he said he needs some time cause he is mentally going through something and I understand that well cause i am too so we decided to take some time off of eachother and be in no contact for a while and hopefully if the door is still open reconnect better and healed later if its gods will and both of us want it but i have strong feelings for him so it hasn't been the easiest to sit with the uncertainty of maybe we reconnect maybe we dont and this is the end or 1000 more thoughts and also i am scared and before we took the no contact decision this is a thing that happened cause things were a little off for quite sometime which led to the no contact.. If i dont let him go? Am i stopping somewhere something good for me? Are we just not gonna happen? Idk but it hurts …so many relationships dont work out dont end up being a part of the future your heartbreak teaches you a lot but the same heartbreak gives you everything you lost? How will that happen it will become a paradox right? So many people go through what i am going through with heart breaks i just don’t accept that and keep saying its ocd to brush under the carpet cause i am fearful but thats actually the truth? And i just am making it ocd frenzy to give another hope another chance but my behaviour is that of heartbreaks people go through and mine might be just that too? How do i not know its just that? I keep thinking he doesn’t care which he may not or idk but this so much together to take so many thoughts flood the brain its hard.. is this ocd?

So I try my best to accept uncertainty, however with Real event ocd I have constant memories of things that did actually happen. I find it's harder to accept the uncertainty of being a good/bad person, or the world is mostly a good/bad place. Mostly because these memories serve as "evidence" of the bad. Ruminations and the mental or online search for truth, or the unbearable urge to confess or seek reassurance are my compulsions. How do I accept that I may or may not be a bad person because of mistakes I've made? I just don't know.

Does OCD ever cause you immense guilt and shame? As if you did something wrong because of a bad thought. And have you ever thought of a bad thought you had from months or even a few years back, and it brings that guilt feeling back all over again. It’s so hard to escape that feeling. Especially when you want so badly to be a good person. It’s like your brain becomes the opposite of who you are, then you become so lost in that false perception that it feels like it’s really you. It feels like a never ending battle. Does anyone else just carry huge amounts of guilt because of your OCD?