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I can't ask anyone in my family but i wonder from where i got all of this OCD, ADHD and all... I just can guess this one thing that is My Childhood was Traumatic so my whole life as well so maybe from there.... Who knows Wish these things never happened :(

I had a good doctor before. She was understanding and she would call me weekly to know how I was doing and we would meet once monthly. Sadly, she had to stop working for some time because of her personal issues. Then, I’ve a new doctor who doesn’t remember who I am, and we have met twice. A doctor who has tried to diagnose me twice, because he doesn’t remember who I am. And a doctor that says that I don’t have OCD because I am not obsessed with cleaning. I told him that I cannot go out to the street without tidying up my room because I feel that if I don’t do it, my day will be a disaster and something tragic will happen, and he replied “It’s good to be that clean”. I am so frustrated. I said that when I am studying I don’t want to stop so that I can eat because if I do it then I feel that I can’t keep studying because I’ve wasted my time and then I am useless and he replied “You are a good student”. He sent my case to the psychiatrist because he doesn’t know how to help me and he told me to keep taking my meds and that is all. Fantastic. He said that my thoughts aren’t normal (I told him my magical thinking thoughts) and that then I should go to the psychiatrist. This is hilarious.

I have had a huge increase in Intrusive Thoughts this week. It’s making things super difficult for me, I am on my period but I also think I’m having more intrusive thoughts recently because things are going well for me right now. I just keep waiting for everything to fall apart because my mind makes me believe that I don’t deserve more than one good thing at a time. My mind is in constant fight or flight mode. I cannot stop thinking about every past mistake or how someone may have thought I had bad or malicious intentions when I didn’t. I keep thinking I’m going to get in trouble for something and go to jail, I’m especially scared about work and messing up someone’s check out and getting fired or arrested. I hate feeling this way, there is just so much going on in my head and I’m terrified and stressed all the time.

First my credit card fell on the floor at the coffee shop. I managed to pick it up with gloves, clean it with wet wipes and put it back in my wallet (usually I would try to wash it, but managed to just wipe and put away). Then as ai was throwing away the wipes and gloves, my glasses fell out of my bag, onto the floor. They were in the case so I ended up dumping the glasses on the table and discarding the case (but later found my good case that I've been looking for in my car since last year 😁). I later decided to get rid of the 3 bags of garbage sitting on my counter, went outside, and of course it was raining. I continued to the dumpster, and tried to throw it from a distance. One bag hit the dumpster, while the other 2 went in. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I picked up the bag and threw it in (despite that it felt extra contaminated), and removed the gloves I had on. I continued to enter my apartment and touch stuff (even though it was raining and water that was on my contaminated gloves could have gotten on me). I continued then to go clean my bathtub/shower/shower curtain. Right now I'm trying very hard not to start avoiding touching things and still working a bit about contamination in my apartment (I have chain type contamination OCD that is disgust based, not getting sick based). I hate this😭

From the title this sounds like a good thing but it’s actually stressing me out. Just trying to see if anyone can relate or can perhaps point me into the right direction. Warning- My post talks about heavy stuff involving violence and mental illness. Please do not proceed if you’re not comfortable with those topics. For context I struggle with harm OCD and am going on to two years since my initial diagnosis. I’ve been on two ssri’s since then. lexapro and more recently effexor. For the past few months i’ve been struggling with a questionable feeling that has be doubting my diagnosis and whether i’m sane. Yesterday, I was lifting my weights while sitting down and my dog sat at my legs. I decided that this was a good moment for an exposure as I could pretend I could drop my weight on my dog as one of my obsessions was harming him. I then proceeded to hold it over him and I felt nothing. I lifted finger by finger until i was barely gripping the weight. I felt nothing. No fear. no anxiety. nothing. nothing was telling me not to do it. I felt like a normal person should at least feel alarmed if they were about to hurt their dog. This however wasn’t the only case. About 6 months ago I was doing a knife exposure and my dog happened to be nearby. I decided it was best i practice on my dog. I got closer to him acting as if i was about to stab him. I felt nothing. I rubbed the knife against him and felt nothing. I felt like i could do it if i wanted too and would feel nothing. At the beginning of the my diagnosis before i received treatment, I was fragile. Everything would set me off into a spiral of sadness and guilt. I’d cry at just the thought of harming my parents. I’d cry if i held a knife in close proximity to my mother. I’d cry at the mention of psychopath or sociopath. I’d cry if I didn’t feel something that I felt I should. I have a feeling of returning to those days as those emotions felt like reminders that i was human. Although I was deeply suicidal during that period the crying helped. Now I just feel numb and somewhat suicidal. I now only have some semblance of fear. Now for some heavier stuff. The shooting that took place yesterday sparked old obsessions. I feel like i’m capable of carrying out a mass shooting. I don’t think i would be able to feel anything. I’m not scared thinking this or typing it out. I don’t know what to do. That person who did it seemed so normal. Its almost as if i’d be capable of doing the same thing. I can’t feel anything. someone please help

okay pretty sure i’m developing this now as it’s been a background obsession for a while. my brain keeps thinking of demons and a white witch coming to get me and i was lying alone in the dark and i keep seeing this white shadowy thing or if i see a glare in some glass or something my brain just says “the white witch is coming for you” and then i get paranoid about it because i feel like it’s something that somebody hallucinating/ delusional would think. and i keep thinking about really scary paranormal stuff which is so scary and then i’m wondering why am i so paranoid and scared about this because i don’t think it’s real but then i get scared saying that thinking it will get mad at me if i say it’s not real, and then i think it’s probably schizophrenia for me to believe this but then i get worried that it’s not and apparently if u pay attention to this scary stuff it comes for you and now i’m scared af. i hate that i used the word “it” aswell cos it makes it seem more real. because i don’t want to say it’s not in case there is something, but i don’t want to even believe this because i think it’s abit delusional and it’s like a PARADOX! and then whenever i start thinking about exsistential things it horrible because it always just goes back to me possibly have schizophrenia or developing it due to thinking weird stuff about the universe and my identity. and it’s bad because someone in my family has it and due to the diathesis stress model it’s more likely to occur when u have a genetic risk and prolonged environmental stress which i obviously have had now for the past 2 years due to harm and sexual related themes literally scaring the shit out of me :((( and i’m not at the age where it develops yet which is the early 20s so basically there’s still a chance and i’m scared now and don’t rlly know what to do cos i have a feeling the gene is triggered and now i’m just waiting for the symptoms to go fully blown and they’re already beginning. and i keep having this horrible feeling my hands are on backwards and it’s so scary and i feel like i’m having sensory hallucinations… and i get alice and wonderland syndrome where everything starts to feel rlly rlly fast (but i’ve had this since i was young, it’s just been abit more often recently) and i’m getting it more often and i’m just terrified that i’m starting to get hallucinations. I’m basically just venting so other people can feel less alone with this, not seeking any reassurance

How deep are you into this theme? What does it feel like for you?

I’m very upset, I think I have schizophrenia. I have always had a fear of it. It doesn’t run in my family at all but I’m a very anxious person and I tend to worry about marry different mental illnesses. I had a massive panic attack that led me to spiral about different themes of ocd and mental illnesses, before that I was fine. I have been having auditory hallucinations as I’m falling asleep of babbling or random conversations, my family have had this before but since I’ve been anxious it’s been happening more common, when I open my eyes it’s stops. I have had this a couple years back and it freaked me out but my mum said it’s just what happens when ur close to sleep. A couple years ago I saw spiders all of my grandmas bed when I woke up once and their eyes were glowing I was freaking out and I put my hand out and felt nothing, I thought nothing of it after cause I thought it was just idk something that happens when u wake up sometimes and then 2 years ago I saw a woman shadow at the side of my grandmas bed, once again I freaked out and woke my grandma up and turned back and it was gone. After that I experienced nothing else I wasn’t even worried and then recently tik tok had been coming up with multiple mental disorders like schizophrenia and someone said if u see shadows or daydream that’s a symptom of schizophrenia and while in my stressed state this sent me to spiral and now I’m hearing talking as I sleep and I’m scared. I just want to live a normal life I’m sick of being stressed I want to be happy. I thought it was my anxiety before but now I think it’s not. I’ll also add when I first was anxious I was looking around the room and noticed the walls weren’t completely clear and were a bit shadowy but not In the shape of a person and my mum said that, that’s normal and everyone sees that and then the anxiousness went away and I wasn’t worried anymore and then I got triggered again by seeing another thing about it. Do you think this is anxiety or should I be worried.

me and my bf both agreed to stop looking at our exs, or past peoples social media accounts bc it bothers one another, so we stopped. but it got brought up in conversation now my brain is like, what if u viewed someone’s story after u guys talked about it?” ive been on a deep search through all my instagrams, downloaded my data, and “confessed” this worry to him. constant worry if i did smthng bad and forgot. then my brain takes REAL memories and puts them at a different point in time… for example I viewed my exs story before we talked abt it, but now my brain is saying it was after? I can’t catch a break. I feel guilt and anxiety and actual worry as if I did do smthng and just forgot about it

I had a friend share with me that they have felt like I was ahead of them (I guess in terms of life & success) and while I know it was probably vulnerable of them to share this…I started to worry and overthink and now obsessively think the following: -what if I share what I want to pursue in my life and my friend starts to compare themself to me? Or what if I start to compare myself to them because we might have similar careers? -what if they try to compete with me or I compete with them? -what if they become jealous of me? Or am I jealous of them? My friend has also shared with me that they weren’t sure how I was going to respond to their news of pursuing a new career because others weren’t as supportive. And I was very supportive and happy for my friend. But it bothered me that they doubted how I would respond as they know I am supportive of others pursuing their goals. My friend has shared they tend to struggle with comparison. Prior to all of this, I myself didn’t find myself struggling with comparison but I feel like since they have shared these things with me, I feel like it contaminated me mentally and I start to question if I’m comparing myself to others? And I don’t like it. I spend a-lot of time googling ROCD friendships, going over messages my friend has sent me to analyze how I’ve supported them and to analyze if they truly support me, it feels like I want to avoid their social media posts so I’ve muted them but now I deactivated my social media accounts for a break because I’ve been struggling. I can see how black and white my thinking is and often find people with OCD struggle with this. I can see how it’s normal to experience possible competition, comparison, jealousy etc in friendships but part of me doesn’t want to accept it because I was never like this before. & as I mentioned before I just wonder if my friend never had shared with me what they were feeling, I would not be going thru this. Side note: I’ve always valued empowerment and supporting others but since this has happened I start to doubt this of myself now. And I can see how OCD is attacking this value of mine but i am feeling like I’m the only one with these kinds of thoughts and wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar or if this is even OCD?

I've been at it for a long time now. The past 4 years, I've had many themes pop up. But some of them cycle more regularly than others. Today I started off feeling at peace when an old theme returned a little. I'm managing it well, doing what I know I need to do. But the brief moments I start to follow the thought I feel that familiar "this is feels real" feeling...I've had this theme many times in the past so I know that it's just OCD. But once again, it feels real when I follow it. If you're new, I want you to know it's always gonna feel real. If it didn't, you wouldn't be obsessing over it. Breathe. Don't follow the thought. Tag it as OCD and continue on with your day...feel the anxiety, but don't give into compulsions if you can help it!

I recently made a huge breakthrough with my mental health, and to give you an idea of what I was dealing with; I'm talking 8 hour showers every day, every time I had to use the bathroom or touched something that set me off. Picture the more severe case you possibly can, that was me. About a week ago I finally transcended my old self, and now I'm able to do things like touch and lay on the floor which would have been impossible for me otherwise. My showers are down to a couple of minutes now, my intrusive thoughts no longer rule and control me. I did all this on my own without professional help by shifting my mentality and opening up my perspective. I'm 32 now and I thought maybe my experiences can help some of you in your own struggles. So if anyone has any pointed questions or wants any advice without any bullshit, I'm open to helping out any way I can.

I can’t stop crying, I feel so miserable, the sun is shining and I feel so down. It’s be raining for so long and I do get affected by the weather and it’s finally sunny and I’m not even able to feel happy because it’s sunny I jsut feel so miserable and at the same time as if I’m faking being sad, I’m crying but feel like I’m faking being sad. I’m worrying because when i imagine the thoughts it feels like I like I know how it feels to smother someone and that I like the feeling of doing that and that it feels ‘good’ to do that. Im so down I feel so crap, it feels so real like extremely real im believing it. Even though im crying as soon as I remember how it ‘feels’ or that feeling that makes me think I ‘like the feeling’ of suffocating someone it feels like im faking crying and would definitely do that. My brother went out the house and it’s jsut me and my mum at home and my Brain was suddenly telling me it was a problem and thag I would be evil because it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and then I started crying because I don’t want to do that but it feels like I like the feeling of doing that and that it could happen and I don’t know what to do, why do I have to go through this I definitely think im evil now and im worried all it will take is to imagine how it feels to do that and get that feeling that makes me feel like ‘I like the feeling’ and then it would actually happen 😞😞😞 I feel down. I don’t even feel guilty about the thoughts or like I’m a ‘bad’ person I just feel down and I don’t know why maybe I am jsut evil and want to do that but I have a conscience? Maybe now I like the feeling of doing that smothering thing but I have a conscience?? Help please

I just feel awful, everyday is horrible. I’m actually believing now that I’m evil and want to be evil and that I can’t be trusted. The thoughts I’m worrying about are about smothering and for some reason although I get anxiety over the thoughts and feel tense there’s an element to the thoughts that make it feel like I like the feeling of doing that smothering thing when I imagine it. I feel so exhausted, I’m obsessed with imagining the thought on purpose as well, and even when it feels like I don’t like it or that I get anxiety over the thought I still keep imagining it because I’m looking for that feeling that makes me feel like I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ because I don’t believe that I hate it or that the anxiety is proof enough that I hate it. I don’t get it. The other day I was in a room alone with my cat and my cat was sleeping and I started deliberately imagining smothering my cat to ‘test’ myself and check if it would actually do that or if I ‘like the feeling’ and when I imagined it, I had no anxiety in that moment and it just felt like ‘I like the feeling of doing that’ like I know how it feels to do that like squash my cat face with the pillow, stopping them from breathing and I just don’t know what to do, and now that’s the incident that makes me feel like I can’t be trusted because in that moment I had no anxiety and it just felt like I liked the feeling of doing that and after I walked away I didn’t even know why it didn’t happen, like I’m so confused to the point I don’t believe myself anymore and it felt like it actually could have happened and tbh ate what scares me especially since it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ now I’m just really worried and scared that I get a ‘good’ feeling from doing that and it’s awful. Yesterday I imagini ed the same thought about my mum and it felt like I ‘liked the feeling’ and that it would ‘feel good to do that’ and after I was thinking ‘oh my god, how can I even feel that way?’ ‘That’s not normal, to be feeling like you could get a ‘good’ feeling from doing that. I just don’t know what to do because now I’ve got it in my head that I like the feeling and It feels extremely true and as if that would definitely happen because I would want to feel how it feels to do that since I now ‘like the feeling’ I feel really worried about that ‘liking the feeling’ thing like it’s making me feel so miserable and I feel like I shouldn’t even be feeling miserable since I’m evil and like it 😞 I’m obsessed with imagining it and feel like I don’t have a reason to stop imagining it because it feels so true, like before I use to be able to eventually decide not to ruminate on it and to forget about it but now it feels like I can’t because I’m believing it and I’m obsessed with imagining how it feels to do that smothering thing to see if it’s true and even when I get anxiety over it i still don’t believe I don’t like it and that fact I’m believing I get a good feeling from smothering someone is really horrible I don’t know how to counter this I don’t know how to deal with this

Right now I just don’t want to live anymore and even thinking about a future where I’m better I’ll still never be normal again I don’t know if I can handle that I would rather be dead than never be normal again even if I get better even if OCD doesn’t affect me everyday anymore I don’t think that will be enough for me I don’t want to live if I can’t live normally I’ll never be able to relate to another person I know again and even worse no one’s suppose to reassure me I could be on the verge of death and I can’t be reassured I hate this I hate worrying about everything having to always check if its a compulsion I just want my mom to hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be ok but she can’t she’s not suppose to I just want to be normal again If anyone sees this who has recovered will I ever feel normal again or will I always feel like this freak and monster

I believe this question started coming up during middle school when my mother told my dad I liked my best friend. I got punished hard for even expressing such feelings so early. I was looked down upon by my siblings when they heard what I "did". Ever since that day whenever I showed the slightest happy expression about possibly liking anyone (guys mostly at the time) my older sister would end up telling my mother and they would talk about me behind my back about how disgusting it was for me to like others so fast and would list names of the guys I was friends with. But I am just a tomboy and felt comfortable and free around guys, even if i did like some of them. Women still to this day, this evening, they are hard for me to talk too with my mother never understanding me, my older sister who I thought would understand me the most, would always look the other way or just kept quiet. Later on in middle school around mid way through 8th grade, I found out I wasnt straight and bummed ideas about being bi/pan. Which didnt make things any better because I felt like I shouldnt be having those thoughts. So I just bottled everything up and didnt tell anyone in my family anything about my feelings throughout the rest of middle school through highschool. Throughout lots of stressful night thoughts and self convincing I realized I was pan and poly. Before starting college I came out to my parents about being Pan. My dad made a silly joke and my mom took it as a phase. I try not to think to much about how she feels but I cant help but always hear her voice in my head when I talk to women. Like today, my whole rant of typing this. I meet two openly poly transwomen who are dating, both women are very gorgerous and hardcore punks. Id been friends with them since last semester and one offered to mess around with her and her girlfriend if I wanted. My boyfriend and I talked and he said it was cool and to have fun. To my knowledge there was no labels, we were just having fun. Late last week I was talking to one of my friends about them saying how it was werid for I missed them just as much as I did my boyfriend and how it made me happy. But my thoughts of "why dont you miss him more then them?" So I talked to my boyfriend and he jokely said "Because youre a Lesbian" and I freaked, saying "No, im not. Im dating you, I've never dating a woman before." Now Friday comes and I wait for my lovely friend outside of her club building to walk with her to her dorm since I missed her. And then what my boyfriend said popped into my head and I just ended up talking about it to her, about questioning myself again and saying that "I dont date women" expressing how I have not had the chance too. Today she texts me and brings up what I said for she misunderstood me and took it as a negative. I didnt even get to explain myself before she said she and her girlfriend were cutting ties with me and left. I want to explain myself so badly to them, but they wont listen. I hate that I cant stop thinking about them and how they told me "I'll always hear you out." But they didnt they just assumed I was being rude and dismissive. I didnt even realize they wanted to date me. For we never talked about it going any farther then "Just messing around with pretty gays." I hate that I am always questioning myself, my relationships and just being in general. I just want to explain myself, for I really like them. I want to explain that Im constantly in doubt where I am clouding myself from what I have till its to late. But I feel if I do that. Ill just push them farther way and look more like a bad person, as insenstive, a screwup.

struggling with this theme currently. i am worried that i am secretly a lesbian and i am just leading my boyfriend on because i like his attention. i don't think this is actually true as i do truly love my boyfriend, but i'm worried anyways. my ocd is making me question if my love for him is romantic or just platonic.

It hurts so bad and is so discouraging every time I have a good day and then OCD hits me like a wave of bricks because it doesn’t want me to be happy. Being happy and feeling relief the little I do is so magical and I ask myself could I really have this life? And then my OCD takes over and ruins it all for me. I am sitting here in massive anxiety being terrified of thoughts. How can a thought scare you so bad? Why does it have to take over my life. I am terrified I will act on these thoughts and that I want to do them. I also am struggling so bad with false memory OCD. Can’t figure out if I did something bad. I feel like I need to know and that I need to turn myself in for something I don’t even know if I even did. Does anybody else struggle with this? I am having a really hard time right now. 😔

I am a Christian and we are raising our children to be as well. I def have faith in Jesus, but I think because I have ocd and am always searching for certainty, I struggle with this one question.. out of all the religions in the world, what makes mine the correct one? Then I will spin on what if Jesus is just a story told over the centuries to a certain group of people. It’s almost like I feel like a fraud because I have doubt? Sometimes when I’m talking to my kids about it I think, what if your lying to them about this. Can anyone else relate to this or offer insight?

I'm 15 years old and a sophmore in high-school, but ever since I was in elementary I felt like something was off. I felt that I was different, and the way I think wasn't normal. And I hated myself because of it. I had never spoken to anyone about it because of how crazy I would sound if I said anything about what goes on in my head, but recently it's gotten worse. I downloaded this app because of a tiktok someone posted with a similar thought I've obsessed over before, and it was supported by this apps tik tok account, so I feel that by explaining the problem or telling the truth about my thoughts just this one time, I will feel better or be understood by at least one person, since I thought I was the only person in the world with thoughts like mine. I constantly have thoughts about r*pe. And I can't help it and I hate my self for it. I think about it happening to me, and these thought come about with great detail and imagery, almost as if I'm being forced to watch a movie. Then I think " well why are you thinking about it? You must like it. You must want to do it to other people" and I don't. I swear on my life I dont. But then I'm forced to think about r*peing other people. And I'm so sorry. I break down crying and just wish it would stop. It's the same thought cycle, usually with the reoccurring topics of being attracted to children, my dog, or family members. Another side of this is my obsessiveness. I get these obsessions with people that I can't shake, and it doesn't even have to be a person I'm in a relationship with. It could be a friend, or a guy who held open the door for me. And I start daydreaming about them. I make up scenarios, specific scenarios that I go on to think about for 8 hours, and all that person did was say hi to me. I question my existence to an uncomfortable extent. Sometimes during school it gets hard for me to breathe because i start thinking about how im not real and nothing matters. Usually looking at clouds in the sky does this to me. Another thing is the need to touch things evenly. It was worse when I was a little kid. I always laugh when thinking about how I used to explain it to people when I was 6 or 7, but eventually stopped due to the weird looks i would get. " Dont you guys feel that. Like something telling u to touch it again. It wants me too. I dont know i just know its not ...it's not like even. It itches." That what i would say when my mother asked me why i was rubbing the tip of my finger on the window a certain way or why i was making wierd noices with my throat a certain amount of times. I didnt understand then but i do now. It scratched my brain just right. And theres no other way to explain it. When i bump my arm into something and 10 seconds later i have to go back to the wall or chair and bump my arm against it a couple more times until it feels right. Until the itch was scratched. And i seen somewhere on Google, on one of my "whats wrong with me i have to find all the answers to why i act like this on google' episodes, that a symptom of Ocd is hypersexuality. And I think I have that, which I also can't help. It's absolutely horrible having intrusive sexual thoughts every second of the day but i can stop thinking about. The first thing i think about in the morning is sex and i hate that. There's a lot more I would like to explain in depth but I've written a alot. I don't think my mom will get me therapist on this app, because I already have one on another, but it's hard for me to explain to her in depth what goes on for fear of being judged. And I think to myself everyday, will it get better? Am I going to be tortured by my own thought for the rest of my life, or is this just a teenager thing caused by hormones and anxiety or whatever. Please help me, because sometimes I feel like dying when going through one of my 'I'm a horrible person' episodes.