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Failed A Major Exam for The 6th Consecutive Time, Worst Thing is i didn't fail cause i didn't care i failed cause of my very own Brain.. I just want to Vanis now...

since i was little i had this inate fear of something looming over me. When i was very young it was the possibility of aliens. I was (or more my brain was) obsessed with the idea of aliens coming and destroying everything and everybody I loved. Certain noises would trigger that fear, ex. alarms and certain songs. I would normally have to turn them off before a certain point or else for some reason i would feel as if something terrible would come kill my family. (Keep in mind i’m only in 3rd grade at this point) I grew up from that point with mild symptoms like needing to close drawers and being oddly obsessive over certain little things. Eventually when I was older, I experienced self harm. (EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING) whenever i would harm myself i would feel as if it wasn’t enough, it was even and i did it wrong. This though caused me to harm myself more and more. although i’m not experiencing this anymore I am finally starting to notice OCD like symptoms in my life. for example, i always feel the need to keep my hands perfectly clean right before i sleep or else i feel odd and dirty. this causes me to get up many time in the night to go wash my hands because it’s so easily triggered. (certain textures even thoughts) Things in my room are cluttered, yet organized in a way and when other people move it i feel a sense of distress and dread. I also experience a symptom that i don’t hear being discussed a lot (simply because some may feel a sense of shame from it) but, I experience many involuntary violent ‘visions’ on a daily. sometimes little things that are simply disturbing and sometimes full blown scale thoughts of death and even murder. From that I always feel an extreme sense of guilt and fear that maybe it’s not OCD and maybe I really am just some f-ed up kid that wants to kill. this creates a cycle, whatever voice that is telling me these fears, obsessions, works off itself and sends me into a spiral. Now to any person this sounds like clear signs of OCD and i agree that they are. yet something that has really been bugging me is the ‘so what?’ factor of it. Every story i hear of OCD there’s an issue from it. For example contamination OCD: stopping somebody from having a good relationship with their best friend because they’re afraid of going out. (this is a made up instance of course) I don’t experience a huge ‘consequence’ per say, i haven’t lost any relationships and i still am able to do what I love. But i experience constant internal conflict and dread that it gets exhausting. I am constantly thinking, worrying, and obsessing over everything no matter what! (either it be physical or social affairs) I can’t seem to shut that voice up in my head that is telling me things, making me see things i don’t want to see. another aspect that confuses me very much and i think is the biggest thing that makes me question my ‘OCD’ is the lack of immediate thought triggered anxiety that somebody would experience after NOT doing the act. What I mean by that is i feel a sense of dread, a cool wind blow over my shoulder, and knowledge that in my hearts of hearts that everything is wrong and nothing will be right untill i fix that certain thing. But i never hear that voice that normally speaks to me say it, no, i just feel it and i know. and I think in a sense that’s what’s makes it scarier and that’s what keeps me in the shackles of whatever is causing this. I need help, i don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to tell people but i never manage too. where do i start? Do i even have it? If i was to get a diagnosis what good would that do? and most importantly do i have to live with this? i’m only a teenager, is there medicine that can help? Therapy? anything?

Knowing all of the bad things that happened to you and things you did in the past? I have a lot of trouble lifting myself up knowing that I've just acted out badly in the past and struggle with a really bad addiction I'm trying to overcome. I don't feel like I stand up for myself and I don't feel that confident in who I am because I just worry about all the things that didn't go right, the decisions I regret everyday, and the intrusive thoughts that keep me stuck

I had the worse harm ocd and suicidal ocd couple years ago. And I remember I would get these horrifying thoughts in public that I would immediately wanna go home. Magically it went away after 4 years but during my healing phase I still randomly had those thoughts and it did not bother me so I was like oh my brain now knows. I’m having a horrifying flare up and now these thoughts bother me?? I feel dark and scary. So what if I do ERP and get used to it and think I’m recovered and have another flare up?? How does that make sense

Anyone done ERP and did it help?

Anything for it to never ever come back

I’ve always been the type of person who would say yes to basically everything anyone asked because I know how it feels to be told no. I think this from a very young age is starting to effect me now since I literally don’t have any boundaries with anyone. Especially with my mom. It’s like I have mental boundaries and I get angry at her for crossing them but I’m reality I haven’t actually tried to speak to her about it and just keep it bottled up. So I guess I can say I have invisible boundaries, and feel like I’m not being nice if I tell someone about those boundaries.

Hi everyone, I’ve been on fluvoxamine for two years now and it’s kept me episode free for a pretty long time. However I’ve been isolated a lot more lately and have been spiraling pretty bad. I’m up all night some nights googling/asking my partner for reassurance and giving into all my compulsions and not leaving my house. Do meds usually stop having as much of an effect over time? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, however it’s not for a few more weeks.

I feel miserable, it’s been a little over a month since my OCD flare up & dissociation. My brain feels like a big mess, I feel good during the day only for an hour and the rest of the day is occupied by me feeling either extremely anxious or hopeless and exhausted. I’m also under stress because i have to start college soon and for that i have to give entrance exams. Also, im leaving school and my friends will probably be going to different cities and just thinking about it makes me so emotional which triggers my existential ocd. I’m also dealing with somatic ocd particularly hyperawareness of my thoughts, thinking about thinking, hyperawareness of presence of consciousness, process of cognition. It’s all so weird and i don’t even fully understand my compulsions or core fears so i don’t know how erp will even work. I’m scared of going to sleep because you have to be alone with ur thoughts & sometimes my ocd latches onto sleep itself. everyday feels so unpredictable & scary. it feels like i’m losing myself everyday. It’s never been this bad.

Hi guys, i started taking zoloft 25 mg, i took my third dose last night. i felt horrible and barely slept. i want to stop taking them so bad cause i feel like crap but would anything happen to me if i just stop taking them after 3 pills? Or maybe I should continue to take them and stick it out :( i just hate the discomfort. can someone share their experience or give some advice

I just feel like I’m gay/bi at this point. I feel completely neutered — I don’t even find males attractive anymore. I don’t get the butterflies or the excitement I used to when I would imagine myself marrying a man or even just by seeing an attractive man. Every female I see I feel anxious and fear I am attracted to them. I feel like my past relationships or crushes were all fake. I try to tell myself that I am gay or bi but I don’t feel anything, not even anxiety anymore.. I don’t even know myself anymore… this theme of ocd is impacting almost everything about myself. Like I won’t even wear GREEN because I’m convinced it’s a “lesbian color” … insane

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?

So, I’ve been with my man for 10.5 years. But the doubts have been around for awhile. 3 years in I obsessed over a psychic who said he wasn’t the one, even though I wanted him to be the one. She said “that’s the problem. He either is or isn’t, and deep down you know that, there is no want him to be. “ that was really hard to hear, cried a lot and called my bf who said it’s nonsense. 2 years later I started going to regular therapy as the thoughts created great anxiety and no sleep. That made it worse as it was 2 years of reassurance thinking. I’ve had it bad on and off. But had two children and things have been honestly great during both pregnancies. (Hormones maybe?! ) Now, 6 months post partum, I’m going crazy. My dreams have been consumed of “he’s not the one” “let him go, it’s not fair to him” during the day I’m finding signs in the music playing on the radio, or “let him go” videos on TikTok. And now, I’m obsessing about the future, how I he isn’t going to be in it. My thoughts consume me. I could be teaching a lesson in school (I’m a teacher) and talking to the kids, but my mind is taking its own route throwing my intrusive thoughts into my face. I get light headed and quesy from the thought of it. I feel like I’m fighting divine intervention and I’m losing greatly. I keep trying to tell myself, this is 10 years worth of compulsions. I enjoy my time with him and our family. I think of him as my best friend. I keep telling myself, love is a choice. But I feel like I’m losing. The dreams are the worst part too. I tell myself those are signs too. It doesn’t help he dreams about me cheating too. I just need help with exposures. My body tells me it’s not Rocd and not to waste money on a therapist. But the amount it consumes me I should talk to someone. Plenty of people stay in unhappy relationships all the time. If this was truly me unhappy, I don’t think I would obsess.

It's been a week since I started to see blood everytime I go to the bathroom. I told my mom, she says it's nothing and I'm exaggerating because I'm hypochondriac. I called my doctor he told me to do a specific visit because it's not normal at all, but I have no money and my mom doesn't want to help me. I'm scared it's a tumor.

I see a lot of people with obsessions over being gay, but not so much about being bisexual. My obsessions have switched to the fear of being bisexual and it feels so real at times 😭 I don’t want to be anything but straight

Can anyone either private message me about this. I really need advice and I feel so defeated

I been feeling so weird. Feel like I can’t move on in life. Can’t even think of how it will be if I got married and have kids. I feel so sad.

I’d like to have a conversation with others who struggle with SOOCD. Not for reassurance. Not for rumination. Just to share and hear each others stories. It feels better to get stuff off your chest. So I ask, how did this start for you?

Backstory- I’ve gotten over HOCD once but now it’s back … I haven’t told my parents that it returned Anyway, I was with my sister and my mom and my sister brought up how her friend was just diagnosed with OCD. Then my sister proceeded to say how I should talk to her about it. Then my mom asks what I have to do with OCD and I told her that my fear of being gay came back. She asked me “well are you?” Which was triggering… later on in the day, my dad asked me if I was lesbian or bisexual… I just want to cry now… them asking these questions out loud makes it feel real and now I feel like they think I’m gay… telling them I’m not gay makes me feel like I’m lying and I feel so sad about this

In most cases where I do experience false memory ocd, 9 times out of 10 I am eventually able to let go of whatever false memory was bothering me. It’s almost like I get so tired of obsessing so much over one thing that I just stop caring after a while. But the cycle repeats because there’s always some new thought that comes up in my head; another thing to obsess over until you can’t anymore. But, yesterday I was out with family. Really beautiful day and I enjoyed myself. But around the end of the day, specifically as we were driving back home, a reoccurring false memory came back into my head. Only difference was I started to obsess over the idea that I have lost the ability to differentiate reality and false memories. Before yesterday, any mental compulsions that I would do in attempts to make myself feel better would eventually work and I would get over it, but the idea that I’ve developed the inability to recognize what is real and what is just in my head has made it even more difficult for me to let go of these false memories. There’s still that part of me that knows deep down that I haven’t done these things, but clearly that isn’t enough because I am almost 100% convinced that I have done the things that come up into my head. It’s the fear the I’m acting on them unconsciously. I’m feeling stuck. I don’t like coming out of my room because I can’t focus on anything other than the thoughts that come up in my head. So socializing with family is becoming more and more difficult. I barely hear a word anyone says due to the constant brain fog OCD causes me. I am definitely in need of some help. But, on the bright side, I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist this month.