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the NOCD Community

OCD is such a bastard. This is going to be weird but for the longest time I've had this imaginary world in ny head that I would kind of use as a coping mechanism and also just a way to kill time and address some of the things in life I'm curious of/ some recent events in my actual life. I know this is gonna be bizarre but in that world I'm basically the main character. This is all a fantasy btw, I don't conflate it with the real world in any way. The whole premise of that fantasy is basically a what-if scenario. What if I had amazing superpowers in an alternate universe. I would honestly imagine myself becoming a person who assassinates like...The worst human beings on Earth. Child-like and scary, I know, but it wasn't anything I took seriously, it was more like me throwing gritty, edgy, dark themes into this weird inner-anime series I was having. I'm studying animation in university so I was eventually planning on animating that whole thing. The reason I settled on that idea wasn't because of any type of interest towards gratuitous violence, but it was more like me being like "what if in a different universe I took out my frustrations and self-hatred by trying to basically make myself a makeshift hero". It's a little bit Death Note inspired but I also had something like a boyfriend character (even more pathetic, I know) who would challenge my agenda with his own and he would constantly try to stop me from my deeds. It would basically be like an exploration of different societal issues. It wasn't anything like...connected with my own revenge fantasies or pent up frustrations it was really just me being a huge nerd and thinking OMG ASSASSINS WITH GUITARS AND A SENSE FOR JUSTICE ARE COOL. Since the main character was directly based off me, of course he was going to face the same issues I'm having with OCD and all. Here's the thing though - My OCD was like "wait a second. People with OCD are like harmless. If you animate something like that and your character is both an assassin and has OCD, people are gonna think people with OCD are crazy murderers". I try to fight back by saying "I don't have harm OCD and this is just my stupid fantasy" then my OCD replies with "furthermore why are you having these thoughts about yourself being an assassin in an alternate universe? Are you some kind of fucking wackjob?" All of a sudden my dumb little epic anime fantasy that I've been having all my life that hasn't impacted my life or has made me done anything violent in my life becomes some serious self-analysis to see if I really don't have OCD and I've just been crazy all my life (To preface this - I can't hurt a fly. I've literally had times in high school where I would be pushed to the limit and would just be convinced that I was going to kick someones ass, and that never happened. I am genuinely terrified of real-life violence). Literally all I was doing was directing a self-indulgent gritty badass anime in my mind with epic fight scenes and cool displays of super-powers, just general geek stuff and NOW, It's absolutely out of the picture. I don't wanna picture myself fighting nobody anymore before my OCD tells me "oh youre THINKING ABOUT HURTING SOMEONE EVEN IF ITS JUST A SILLY ANIME FIGHT SCENE FANTASY??? YOU NEVER HAD OCD DIE IN A FIRE" and I would start losing my mind. If I animated anything about my life it would most definitely be a slice-of-life with the only epic fight scenes probably being me playing video games with friends ??? like I'm sorry but OCD has convinced me that literally every single aspect of me is that of a dangerous psychotic freakshow and I'm just done trying to fight it. If I have to become all Zen, Mindfulness, LiveLaughLove and World Peace and lose every single aspect of what I used to be just to not feel that horrifying guilt, shame, doubt and fear that I'm like.... The most disgusting human being ever - so be it.

I'm upset. Like legit furious!!! My HOCD manifested 6 months after giving birth to the most beautiful little girl. My daughter is now 16 months old. I've been dealing with so much since it started, anxiety up to wazoo and the saddest depression . I have literally lived my darkest days. I'm finally on medication and seeking help after 10 months of me tying to defeat HOCD on my own. Well let me tell you all, that I've had it! I'm angry and upset. This HOCD stole my motherhood! My happiness! My identity and confidence! I want my life back! And I will get it back, if it's the last thing I do! I will feel like a mother again.

What’s the smallest thing you’ve ever obsessed over?

My harm OCD is acting up again, especially with so much violence in the world, media, true crime podcasts constantly being played by people, or depictions of killers on tv. I feel like I can’t escape it, I try to rationalize with myself that I would never hurt anybody. At the same time my brain insists on playing tricks on me and makes me worry that I may do something crazy. I’m scared of myself at this point and I’m so exhausted. I know my OCD is being the absolute worst, but I’m scared something more may be going on and I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid of being told that I’m crazy

New here, new flare up. About 6 years ago, I had a BAD flare up that lasted for 3 years. Depersonalization/derealization, constant panic, all of it. I had no idea what was happening to me at all. I had actually forgotten what OCD was like, so I didn’t even recognize that I was having a “moment.” I was convinced I was going crazy. Even though I wasn’t hallucinating, I convinced myself that I was “in the early stages” and would snap at any moment. I was terrified that I might hurt someone without even realizing it. I developed horrible agoraphobia. First doctor visit, the nurse, when hearing my symptoms, said, “You might be developing schizophrenia. That happens in people your age.” I could have died. I was a twenty-something man who cried in a doctor’s office. That triggered it even worse, for over a year. Another doctor gave me a “future disease” scare, which added to it all. I almost gave up. Then I started Lexapro, which helped some. Fast forward to a few months ago, and it’s all trying to come back. This time, it’s about certain diseases. But now that I know what’s going on, I’m fighting it. Sorry for the long post...

How can I be gay if I enjoy and crave sex with my boyfriend???

Hey guys, I’m new here but I’m already loving this supportive app. I have been with my boyfriend who is so sweet and amazing for 4 years now, but about 3 months in I started feeling like I was settling or that something was not right because I did not have the same sparks that I did with previous not so great boyfriends. I would talk with him about my thoughts and feelings and he would talk me down and say spot on things that addressed what I was thinking/feeling without even knowing he was doing so, and things would go back to normal for a while. Every few months I would freak out due to an “inner feeling” and feel disabled in my body and thoughts- heavy anxiety, depression, comparison, nit-picking, constantly googling relationship articles, talking to friends and so on. Every article, friend, and even my therapist at the time would say “maybe he’s just not the one for you and your body is letting you know, or maybe you’re looking for permission to break up with him.” So then I would become obsessive over that thought. Finally, a few months ago I came across the term “ROCD” and it pin pointed all of my thoughts and actions that I’ve been struggling with for 4 years. I didn’t believe it at first, thinking that the ROCD is a new thing for me, but after thinking on past events in my life I figured out that I’ve had always had different forms of OCD, and I actually have experienced ROCD before too. Anyway, all of that to say, today I am experiencing the thoughts again. “Is he attractive enough, or am I attracted to him?” “What if there is someone who could better suit me?” “Could I live with him forever (he’s so great)?” “Sometimes great people in a great relationship just aren’t meant to be. Is that my relationship?” “Am I really in love with him?” Etc... Two weeks ago I literally skipped all of my classes one day because I was googling articles. I’m ashamed of it. Am I alone in this or can someone else relate? Sorry for the super long post! Just wanted to give some background info! Thanks in advance for any help!!!

This shit is RUINING my relationship! I’m so FUCKING done with this. I think I have trans ocd but my past actions are messing with me because a couple of times in the past I said that I was trans. Like without thinking. And I’ve joked about being a boy in the past because I’m not very girly. I’m a tomboy. I’d say I was trans because I somehow thought it was cool or something. Well I’ve never hated being a girl. As a kid I was really girly like REALLY girly. I hate the thought of being trans and right now I’m going through so much anxiety. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot but if I do turn out trans it will ruin everything. I never lay awake thinking about being a boy. I never cried or was sad because I’m a girl. I hate myself for saying these things when I was younger because now I’m so stressed about it. Please help. Am I trans for these things? Because I used to think there might be a possibility or myself being trans because I was kinda tomboyish but I never worried about it. It was just something that crossed my mind. I liked dressing masculine and looking masculine too. I remember when this whole ocd thing hit full on I clearly remember thinking “ohh this is really similar to when I had murder thoughts”. I really hope it’s ocd. Fuck this is ruining EVERYTHING. I hate this so much.

I need insight My husband and I are separated recently I’m only 27 feel like such a failure. 3 years ago I had a massive breakdown and became extremely internalised due to oCD so I forgot to ask him how his day was and things about him. However things got a bit better for me and we planned our wedding. However 6 months after my husband had an affair... I only found this out in January this year. Between marriage and that happening he says he felt so neglected by me that he was almost contemplating suicide. I myself was going through it with OCD and wasn’t very stable either. And he says that’s what lead him to the affair as it was a relief to feel attractive etc. Last September we finally admitted something was wrong between us and went to see a counsellor however I didn’t know about the affair then and s lot of stuff was found out to be my fault in the relationship. According to the counsellor. Then I found out about the affair and it’s been hard to make it work as I feel it spiralled my anxiety more due to lack of trust but also finding out all I had done wrong also. OCD has lost me my marriage. But is it right to compare mental health and an affair?

I hate how I feel and I just know people are looking down on me because of how messed up my case just happens to be...All my life I just wanted to feel genuinely loved by someone and now that's basically impossible.

This thing gets weirder and weirder I swear. I literally woke up, right. And my mind immediately went “What if you don’t have OCD? You’d just be really bi” and I went along pretending that I didn’t know about OCD and I was just experiencing denial. Then I scrolled on twitter and went on my friend’s page and then my mind went “why don’t you like her? There’s nothing wrong with her. I thought you were supposed to have a crush on her” Here’s the worst part in this: I’m now convinced that HOCD is a huge lie that I made up and it’s homophobic for me to suffer from this theme of OCD and label my “attractions” to the same sex as “bouts of anxiety.” Therefore, I’m not only a bad person, but a liar.

How’s HOCD with y’all ?

Out of nowhere my boyfriend of 4 years left me for no reason, over the phone, about 2 hours ago. He just said it wasn't working. I feel so sad that I'm considering checking myself into a mental health facility. It feels like it's all my fault for being distant due to how much I'm struggling with my mental health. I don't know what to do.

When I have a thought that throws me into panic, I always feel so guilty and disappointed with myself. I think how it’s impacting my health, how it’s ruining my chances to have a baby (I have fertility issues) because it’s stress again, and stress is never good. One of my themes is getting some health condition and ironically I feel that every ocd thought makes it more possible. I hope it doesn’t work like this though?

Anyone with HOCD lost their attraction to men yet???? My anxiety is clouding my perception. Dudes/DILFS I used to think were hot asf are now unattractive to me. My anxiety is really clouding my judgement. It caused me to have a panic attack today ?

I feel SO GUILTY for this, but I suffer from OCD myself and I always feel morally obligated to help other OCD sufferers as much as I can so they dont feel alone or isolated but today somebody from a fb support group I am in contacted me with their POCD thoughts and kept asking me for reassurance, I told them it was OCD and nothing else. I told them not to engage in reassurance seeking behaviours etc. But my OCD thoughts became directed at the OCD sufferer and now I cant stop ruminating "what if that person is a bad person, how could I know?" "What if every ocd sufferer you've spoken too could potentially be a bad person?", I know the person contacting me is in therapy for their OCD and clearly struggling with a mental illness. I feel so guilty for having those thoughts, I felt anxious when she described her thoughts to me and I feel bad for having my intrusive thoughts that are directed towards her. Maybe I shouldn't help anyone since I am suffering from OCD myself. :(

Had to use toilet roll that I saw as contaminated this morning. All my other rolls were stored in places I now see as contaminated and the one that wasn’t I already saw as contaminated as I couldn’t remember whether it had fallen on the floor and I’m almost sure it was on top of the toilet. All of which are surfaces that my landladies grandchildren have most probably touched. Usually I’d have just not wiped (disgusting I know but this is what ocd does to me unfortunately) but my boyfriend is here and it was a number 2 so I kinda had to. I decided to best course of action would be to use part that’s the edge of the roll to wipe with as in my mind that would be least contaminated from the floor. I did so and then even cleaned myself afterwards with soap and warm water. But before I left the bathroom I started to stress because I realised the middle part is probably less contaminated as the rolls been used by others since it rolled on the floor so the middle part of the sections probably safest as the edge part would have all touched the toilet which was my other contamination fear. I didn’t want to wipe again incase my brain latched on to some reason that part was contaminated after I’d wiped like it just did because then I’d be stuck in the toilet for ages just endlessly wiping and look weird to my boyfriend for being in there for so long so I left. I struggled afterwards with engaging in things because my brain was stuck worrying about it, my only little relief was that I’d washed afterwards so that must have washed the germs away? I also have a suspect uti coming on I think as I constantly feel the need to pee and I felt I needed to pee again not long afterwards so I did and I couldn’t face wiping again so I was like ‘I’ve just peed so surely that’s get rid of any germs?’ it’s so frustrating because when I was younger I’d just wipe and be done with it with no worries of any children contaminating the toilet roll and now ocd has me stressed all the time about it so sometimes I just avoid it which is disgusting and annoys me but is also probably causing the utis as I get them quite a lot!! I don’t know the purpose of this post, I guess I just needed to get out my annoyance and anxiety as I can’t to my boyfriend as I don’t like to and I’ve not got therapy for a month so I just needed to get it out. This is just a dip in my journey, I’ve done so well and dips will keep coming and I’ll get over them like I always do, despite never feeling like I will at the time!

I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)

My last post got flagged sorry if I offended or triggered anybody I'm just feeling really horrible. Sorry again

I've legit ruined my own relationship for myself. I looked at coming out stories and women would say "I started looking at my bf as a friend rather than a lover" and now all I'm thinking to myself is "what if I only look at my bf as a friend???" and I over analyze every situation that we went thru to see if I ever felt that way. And it's ripping me apart ?