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I suffer from obsessive thoughts, zooming out, rumination, lots of daydreaming I overexagerate and I am so tired of it

Hey everyone. My mental health journey started last year when I developed OCD which I believe started in childhood. I have suicidal ocd with some relationship and existential mixed in. Last night I experienced my last bad panic attack due to derealization. I don’t have depression- I want to be here. But I’m so so tired of dealing with this. I’m scared that I’m “too far gone”. I don’t want to give up. I start IOP next week. Is there hope for me? need some positive thoughts

i wake up constantly in the middle of the night, and i just woke up and i feel so weird i genuinely can’t explain the feeling. i feel like im still sleeping and dreaming and that nobody will be able to see me or hear me, i feel like ive completely lost myself like i am not me and that im in someone else’s brain/body. i feel like nothing is real, i do experience a lot of dissociating but this doesn’t feel like that. i have thoughts that i leave my body and go to someone else’s, specifically that im my dad because my dad has a lot of mental health issues, and a lot of issues from doing so many drugs in the past, and he’ll go into phases randomly where he goes completely insane and says he hallucinates, he’ll say/do random stuff that doesn’t make sense to anyone else but to him he’s making perfect sense and i am terrified ill end up like him. or that i am him and ik this sounds so crazy. i feel like this isn’t even ocd anymore, it’s so exhausting and it’s a new feeling everyday that’s even scarier. all i can do is cry and sit here because i am genuinely so tired of this, i don’t even see a point anymore. i feel like ill never live a normal life ever, i can’t make friends, i have no friends to me honest, i can’t even feel close to my boyfriend because of all this, i don’t feel close to my family either. i don’t know what to do anymore but i am so tired of this.

I was diagnosed with harm OCD 1 year ago, it all started with a clear image of me killing my ex girdriend with a knife and it rapidly evolved to seeing imagens of myself killing random people etc I was doing therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and taking sertraline but then i had some changes in my life and I stopped the therapy and the medication I was getting better, but last week I had a car crush it all started again, I think all the time about killing People, I allways have that strange sensation on my belly and on my back like an adrenaline rush or something when I have this e thoughts. I cry a lot when alone, I think about killing myself, I think in good moments and I feel bad about it, anxious etc. I don’t know what to do, I’m affraid to be alone. It’s crazy. I’m affraid of really being a serial killer or a psychopath or some pedofile IDK it is just crazy. I somebody experiencing the same ?

I used to be such an angsty teen when I was about 14-17. I love my parents with all my heart but back then when they would irritate me in the slightest, or if i’d get into any argument with them at all, or I didn’t agree with a belief, I’d immediately go to my online friends and start complaining and talking so much trash about my mother or father. Sometimes I’d exaggerate, to gain sympathy. Looking back now, I feel so TERRIBLE for saying these things, I was acting as if I was abused or something even though I wasn’t. My parents treat me phenomenally and my relationship with them grew so much as I got older (im almost 20). The guilt is now eating me up alive, I feel like a bad person and I feel like I don’t deserve their unconditional love and support. It feels like im a traitor to this amazing relationship I have with them, and always at the back of my head I think that if I told them I talked this much bad behind their backs, then they’ll never look at me the same again. At this age I can’t ever imagine doing that same thing again, even thinking about hurting them or betraying them makes me tear up and I FEEL SO BAD. Please help me. Im a terrible daughter. Also, theres this constant feeling to confess otherwise the feeling wont go away, but I don’t want to because it would be so hard and I can’t even fathom how on earth i’d bring this up to them considering i’ve been extremely good to them for the past years. I rather them not know and I want to move on, but the feeling of being a two sided b*tch still lingers. :( I would literally die for them.

i dont ask for reassurance all the time but omg i just remembered when i had this thought(intentional) about what if the guy that confessed that he liked me worked out, we were in 3rd grade that time and i remembrr having the thought that he was handsome or sumshit or like i admire him and like his personality. i dont really remember when i had this thought but it feels recent (probably thid year) mind you, im 17 now and i know deep down that there was never an intention of me reminiscing because he was a kid, infact it didnt even cross my mind that he was (in my imagination) but now that i realized it i feel so guilty because why am i thinking about something that happend when i was a kid. i feel really disgusted pls answer me.

I wad wondering if anyone else worries about things in their childhood that could indicate that they are gay/a different sexaul orientation and latches onto these thoughts. As a kid from around the age of 5-7 (maybe) I remember having a friend (let's call her x). Now i have no idea how this started but I think we started pretending that I was going to be boy and that we would get married or something? We would pretend to be a couple and say that we would get married or something in the future. I really can't remember to well but I think this is how it went. It went on for while, I think i gave myself a new name and everything. Now, x left my school not long after and after that I never continued this "being a boy and we would be together" pretend thing. I just went back to being normal me. I've never been attracted to girls, only guys, before and after this situation. I also don't think i enjoyed saying that I was going to be a boy because I always liked girly things and i think I was just doing to keep x as my friend. I also had a "boyfriend" around this time maybe before this. I remember some boys at school calling us lesbians and I didnt know what that meant at the time but I didn't like it, neither did my friend, this memory is extremely triggering. I dont even think I knew fully what marriage was at the time. What triggers me is that people say that young kids know about their sexuality at a very young age, so I'm worried. I really don't think I was actually attracted to her in any way, but what if im in denial. Is childhood experimentation and experiences like this normal, does it indicate sexuality?

I’ve been seeing loads of posts about how people should act after a breakup, how people say “I don’t wish bad on you” or “we stayed friends” and it’s made me feel bad for how my relationship ended. Granted it ended with him sleeping with his “female friend” only a few weeks after we ended and a week after he sat in my car saying “I want to be single, I’m not ready for a relationship and there’s no other girls hand on heart I promise” for him to get into a relationship a few weeks after we ended. But I do only wish the best for him now, at first I was filled with pain having to watch him push her against walls and make out with her, right in front of me without even trying to hide it. But now I’m thinking if you’re happy be happy. The girl he is with isn’t a loyal person and has cheated in every single relationship, even his she’s already cheated on him, but he deserves peace and unfortunately I don’t think he’s gonna get it. But I don’t wish the bad. But doesn’t make me a bad person for being upset? We were single, and I was healing and I had to sit there and watch as he moved on right in front of me, it’s normal to be upset right? Then he called my sister a very rude word and started a massive fight, where we had to have a chat about everything and how it was unfair for him to treat me that way. If I was to see him in person I’d say hi, it would hurt but I’m healing and moving on. But I guess I’m just worried that I’ve overreacted about him with another girl. It was a fresh wound is all, fresh and hurt like hell to see

If I was 13 years old, and I made a severely horrible childhood POCD mistake that I was told about earlier in the day, but had forgotten about it because I had never heard of that mistake or done it before, should I be punished for it as a 23 year old?Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 22... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that she doesnt remember it, that the person is okay, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I was told what this word was, but I had forgotten it... I did not have full knowledge or full understanding on how horrible this mistake was... I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15… and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 and I get intrusive thoughts of people calling me a P and a chomo and me getting arrested… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo… the real events happened only 3 times and I really didn’t know how horrible it was… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… I don’t want to ever be attracted to or harm kids in any way… 😭😭😭  It’s making me feel like I know I’m a P or a chomo when I don't ever want to ever be those things… I perform avoidance compulsions all the time and I don’t want to be anywhere around kids… even accidentally standing next to one makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious… it’s making me feel like that I know I’m what my POCD and real events OCD are telling me even when a former ocd psychiatrist has told me that the real events don’t make me a P or a chomo… In addition it’s making me feel like I’m what my ocd tells me that I am… I didn’t know how horrible the real events were at the time when I was 13… I really didn’t… my POCD and real events OCD keeps calling me a P and a Chomo for what happened when I was 13 when I didn’t know what any of that stuff was… I truly didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t…  It’s making me think I am a rapist because of the real events too… my POCD just keeps telling me that I’m a P or a chomo or in worst case a child rpist when I don’t ever want to ever be those things in any way 😭😭😭

I think im asking my intuition/spirit guides, and I mean ANY decision... Should i go eat, should i eat this or that, should i drink this, should i go do this or that, even in video games. It's everything from tiny choices to important ones. I think its some form of me making sure I do the thing in my best interest or whichever will have the best outcome for me, and i don't want anything with a bad outcome. Im not exactly sure when I started doing this but I've had it bad for at least 2+ years now. I feel like it's driving me insane because I KNOW i want to stop, even my spirit guides remind me i have to make my own choices because that's how life works, we aren't born knowing what's going to happen for a reason. Yet, I can't seem to stop myself. The worst part is, it's never decisive. I can't tell the difference between my OCD thought and my intuition, so I actually drive myself INSANE not being able to make rhe right choice, even with the small things like whar to eat. It makes me want to tear my hair out, it's so stressful for me. This is daily too, I don't know what to do to get rid of it anymore. I even tell myself sometimes when i ask to just do what I WANT to do, but my OCD fights me... Please help

Guys I'm really scared, earlier I was angry at this lady and I had bad images about her and it didn't really feel intrusive bc I wasn't distressed at all and if anything I calmed down after thinking that and it felt like I enjoyed it at that moment??? and like 15 minutes later when I came home I started to freak out and searched up "how to know if you are a psycho" and "aggression in people" and I also searched up "how to deal with anger issues" on google just in case and I've been dwelling on it since 1 pm by reviewing past thought and reactions and it's currently 9pm. I tried distracting myself by gaming but once I was done, I started getting anxious again bc I remembered. I'm just worried bc like it felt like an impulsive thought rather than intrusive cuz I was angry but like now I'm scared and sad bc what if that means I'm going to snap one day or I just don't care anymore?? What if it's true that I'm a bad person??? Like usually I try to distract myself or thought block a bad thought but that time I was just thinking about it normally and ever since I realized that, my stomach has been hurting everytime I remember that from earlier. I keep telling myself that "I didn't act on those thoughts. It's just a thought, actions are what matter" but like the fact that that thought even occured and I wasn't distressed is really messing with me. Is this still ocd??

Hi everyone! Unfortunately, I am an individual who loves cooking but also suffers from contamination OCD. This really impacts the enjoyment I get from cooking and has recently been stopping me from cooking all together. Any tips or similar experience appreciated (:

I have this awful train of intrusive thought. Any time anything is wrong with my partner, I take it personally. He’s generally a laid back person. Today he felt “off” and my first thought was “he’s not happy with me anymore” after he specifically told me last night I mean everything to him and he can’t imagine his life without me. He told me several times that he loves me. I feel the need to be able to fix everything even though I know I can’t. He will get frustrated at his game and I may unknowingly call him, then I’ll take his frustration personally. I’ll ask him a thousand times if he’s mad at me and if he’s sure. I’m getting a lot better about that one specifically because we have talked about it multiple times. I also have a need to “admit” everything, which I know comes with relationship OCD. I feel the need to tell him every single detail of everything so I don’t worry I’m accidentally keeping something from him. Sometimes he’s so unbothered because it wouldn’t have been a passing thought in his head, but I just have the compulsion to make sure he knows EVERYTHING. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years that really sprouted this fear. I know he is a different person and he is the best, most patient human, but the trauma response is so automatic. The toxic relationship ended years ago and my partner and I are going on 3 and a half years of a beautiful, healthy relationship. I know it takes time but I hate ruminating on fear. I hate lying awake at night with anxiety because he forgot to answer one part of a text and answered the other. And I feel ridiculous even bringing up the tiniest thing that upset me in that way because I know it’s ridiculous. But a lot of times just expressing it makes me feel better and I’m good. We talk everything out and don’t fight (not seriously anyway). He’s so emotionally mature and I want to make sure I’m that for him. I just worry so uncontrollably… He is the love of my life.

This might sound silly, I'm not even sure if this is ocd but ive never really explained this to anybody and thought it's about time I should. When I turned 12 I started listening to tiktok sounds (silly) and I'd literally just walk around my room over and over listening to different clips of songs in my favorites, full blast in my ears from my headphones imagining I was in a different scenario in my life. I'd do it every day. I'm now 16 and I still do it, probably 10 times a day for like 20 minutes. I remember my parents said something about people being able to watch us in our phones so when I continued to do it after that, I put tape over my camera. Walking around my room with music blasting in my ears just imagining. It helps me copes with emotions but then again it makes me upset. Because why am I wasting my day on this? if I can't do this one singular activity I feel really uneasy. Like I HAVE to do it or else my day isn't right. Some days are better than others but I want to get out of this loop even though it makes me feel better in the moment, I just imagine things that's never gonna happen, things that make me want to feel bad or wish my life was worse than it really is. Again I don't know if this is truely ocd, I just want to leave this loop. It's so silly that's it's literally just me walking around my room but it annoys me that I have to do it and if I don't, I have anxiety or that really awful uncomfortable feeling in my chest.

How do you guys deal with rejection from other people or them pulling away when you talk about your OCD and intrusive thoughts? I've been dealing with that a little bit lately and it hurts a lot. I don't know how to deal with it.

i’m scared, i called my dad 41 times and he hasn’t answered me yet. the last time i spoke to him was at 9 and he left around 9:45. i wanna throw up, i don’t know what happened to him, all i know was he was visiting a relatives house. i wanna puke and i’m crying so much my chest hurts. what do i do???

I tried. I just broke down crying cause it feels too real and I feel l should just accept it that this is who I am. Maybe it’s not real but it feels real so it has to be. I keep having thoughts saying “yes I want it” but it just makes me more sad and wanna cry more. I can’t think of the things I do want. The things that used to comfort me and used to make me happy. What happened to those things? Why can’t I be ok? What’s wrong with me? Why does it feel like I am that person? I mean I’ve read and seen things about pedos having anxiety cause of who they are, so what if I feel this way because of that. There’s something wrong with me. Nothing feels ok and I know made this whole post about letting my mind go but none of this feels right. It’s like I’m just waiting for something to just give but it won’t. I kinda wish someone would just tell me “sorry but it does sound like you are a pedo”. Which is terrible but constantly having everyone say I’m not feels so frustrating cause of how much it already feels real. Maybe me posting this is reassurance seeking, or maybe it’s some big manipulation thing I’ve been doing cause somehow that makes sense. Idk anymore. I took melatonin and plan on having a very shitty nights rest for the rest of this inevitably shitty week. I’m sorry.

As someone who has bad thoughts , obsessive out of fear will it “manifest”? I don’t want to be a criminal!!

Hey y’all! I am asking for some support for a rough time with my OCD. I’m a straight woman who has SOOCD about being attracted to women as well as hints of ROCD and previous themes of the environment and religion. SO OCD has been kicking my ass on and off for over 2 years and I’ve seen 2 different therapists for treatment. With my current therapist we are doing I-CBT which has helped in some ways but not in others. I had an incredibly bad flare up thinking about some 🌽 I watched as a kid and it made me spiral thinking I could have a fetish that made me feel so awful gross and scared. I spent about 2 straight hours scrolling through forums trying to get an answer before feeling relief. I can’t see my therapist until next Friday and decided to make a list of my triggers, obsessions and compulsions to bring to her so we can talk about it and hopefully find a structured way to confront my fears. I’m currently ok right now but am nervous about when my next spiral is going to be and to go to sleep because I frequently have dreams relating to my triggers and it stresses me out so much :( This illness has stolen so much from me and feels like it borderline ruins many components of my life. I feel like I have « lost » my attraction to men becuase im so anxious all the time and im nervous to have sex with my bf (im a virgin) becuase of what ill think about or how ill react to certain thoughts. It doesn’t make any sense because I have so intensely wanted to have sex and be sexual with men in the past and that has always been my normal. It is destroying me. I’m sure people can relate but does anyone have advice on what I can do in the meantime until I can see my therapist? What I can do if I have an intrusive thought and want to engage in a compulsion? Thank you for any and all advice :))

OCD is so funny because it’s takes us so long to find help because no one who doesn’t have ocd doesn’t refer to it as a cleaning disorder and then we we figure out we have ocd and seek help there isn’t much we can do because it’s all so expensive I need help right now I’m struggling I need meds and therapy but I can’t afford it I don’t know what to do and I have a job but I don’t get payed because it’s a work live situation I’m only 20 any advice I need help