- Date posted
- 37w
I feel so defeated by false memory ocd. The reality of it all hits me so hard , I just feel so hopeless.
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I feel so defeated by false memory ocd. The reality of it all hits me so hard , I just feel so hopeless.
Iām not saying any of this to be rude or hateful in any way!! Basically, I like this guy and I really love him, but, everytime I look at this one photo of him, I keep noticing he looks unflattering and it makes me worry, because Iām scared what if heās ugly? And why does that even matter? Why canāt I just love him in peace without having to check his photo to make sure heās not ugly? Like that sounds really rude and disrespectful and it hurts even more to know that heās self conscious and I would NEVER want to hurt him so I donāt tell him I check his photo to make sure heās not ugly, I get anxious when I notice/feel that he is unattractive/unflattering, so I check till I feel certain that I donāt think heās ugly, why do I even do this? Why does it matter? Why does my brain make it difficult to even look at a photo without worrying, can I be normal? I say āI think heās cute/I love himā to his photo and my brain is like ānope cuz heās unattractiveā then I get worried and for what??? I ask myself why do I care and I genuinely donāt know
POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?
so, a celebrity from a band i loved since i was 5 years old died today. naturally, it made me sad. i was crying over it and everything but, this celebrity recently got revealed as an abuser, and i heard he got caught talking to underage girls i feel bad for even being sad over the fact this guy died. my mom and sister also liked this band and we were all crying over it. i feel selfish for crying, feel bad for being sad, i feel so bad for the victims right now because theyāre being blamed im just afraid that crying over this guys death makes me a bad person
Iām at a loss.. me and my ex girlfriend of 5 years (subject of the real event) broke up a couple months ago. The problem is, we met at work when I was 19 and she was 17. We started flirting while I was 19 and she was 17 and then I turned 20 as we were going on dates while she was still 17. We started our relationship while she was 17.5 and I had just turned 20. There was a whole 6 month period while there was this age gap and now I feel as though if any new partner I have in the future finds out, they will be disgusted and leave/reject me. I donāt know what to do. I feel as though my future is ruined and that I will never find true love again due to this age gap thing. Iām 25 now and would not date anyone younger than 22 so I know im into the appropriate age range for my age, yet Iām so shameful and guilt ridden..
something that really bugs me and gets in my head with my rocd is that for most of my relationship iāve had this nagging anxiety and ocd about it. i can accept my thoughts for the most part, but have this underlying fear that this one could really mean something and that makes me feel guilty! i donāt want to loose her but my mind tells me i do because ive had these thoughts. itās even coming up in my dreams now! i had a dream last night that i cheated and it made me panic all today and feel so bad and this thought came up again! any advice?
The thoughts are coming in like rapid fire. And Iāll be fine for a minute and they are back again the next minute. Scarier and more intense. It legit feels like I am losing my mind.
I know I need therapy. I have a flare up every three months that rocks my worldā itās been like this for four years. Iām just too scared. Iām too scared to have a therapist tell me Iām a lesbian. Iām too scared to do ERP and have it not work because it wasnāt actually OCD. Iām too scared for the ERP to work and me finally feel comfortable with being bisexual or a lesbian. I donāt want any of that to happen. I donāt understand how I can get over this and still be straight. Iām petrified at the thought of therapy, but what is going to happen to me?
Join us in raising awareness, fostering education, and breaking the stigma this #OCDweek! Special guest and NOCD partner Alegra Kastens, LMFT, founder of the Center for OCD, Anxiety and Eating Disorders, will be hosting an Ask Me Anything (AMA) on OCD right here in the NOCD community. Ask Alegra your questions in the comments below, and sheāll respond to as many as she can inside the NOCD app during our AMA this Thursday, Oct. 17th, at 6 PM ET / 5 PM CT / 3 PM PT. Donāt miss this opportunity, exclusively for NOCD community members!
Im feeling really depressed and like i dont care about anything, and suddenly ive lost all desire for a relationship or being with anyone. I just dont care about anything right now but its kind of freaking me out.
My life has been hell, and I donāt know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and canāt even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldnāt I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like Iād be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I donāt think I grasped how wrong this was but thatās not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I donāt talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didnāt wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think Iām a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now Iām scared bf I canāt even get help because my parents donāt believe in therapy and even if I wanted to Iām scared because I donāt want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.
Iām confused when people say accept your thoughts why would I accept the thoughts that are making me feel disgust and filth what if I start accepting them and then the thoughts actually become true?
I feel so upset right now. Can anyone relate? I keep having this delusional-type thoughts that my mom is out to hurt me. We live together and at night when Iām trying to sleep I get the thought that she is going to come in my bedroom and hurt me. My mom is so kind and loving, sheās my best friend. I know OCD attacks what we love, but I canāt let this go. I try to just reply with a āmaybe, maybe not,ā but then it comes back full force and says āyouāre in denial, theyāre brainwashing you to think that way, etc.ā and it freaks me out and makes me feel so down. Like it says āyour life is in danger, donāt dismiss this!ā I keep thinking Iām in psychosis. Like if someone asks me if I truly believe these things, I want to automatically rely āI donāt know.ā Because the doubt and realness of the thoughts/feelings deal soo real like Iām convinced of these things. I just feel so lost and confused. It makes me feel sick. I confess all of these things to my mom, which I know is just me seeking reassurance. I try to say to myself if I truly believed she was out to hurt me, I probably wouldnāt even be sharing this with her. But then again my mind always has a rebuttal to bring me back into rumination. I want this to be easier. I want my life back. I have been dealing with ocd for years now and this flare up has been the worst yet. Please, I know Iām seeking reassurance, but can anyone relate to any of this?
Is this ocd? I Have a thought or think something f harmful that Iāve gotten intrusive thoughts about - and get a feeling like I want/like it or it would give me relief??? Please tell me that will eventually go away and Iāll get my real feelings back??? Or have I just turned into those things? Sometimes things that make me upset it even feels like Iāll do them just so I can be upset about them.
my ocd theme is about god being real or not and last night i went and looked for the mistakes in bible and found some. now the next day i woke up and i feel super anxious like my body is about to stop working please someone talk to me, if you a bit of time
Who else agrees?
Does anyone question that they'll go to hell because of your intrusive thoughts. I feel so scared about that because I grew up Catholic
Hey today Iām feeling very tired because of my OCD Iām just so tired of it. I feel Iām doing everything to get better. I disregard the thoughts, Iām trying to do things like I donāt have ocd but it doesnāt want to go away. I was doing fine for a long period of time and now I feel like Iām back a square one. Itās been almost 2 months now Iām battling with OCD and Iām just tired. Sure I have moments where itās better than others, I also have days where I barely have OCD but I also have really bad days like today where I just donāt want to get out of bed. Last time I had a relapse it took my 4 weeks to get out of it I donāt understand why this time it takes me more. Iām starting believing that I will never feel better again. Anyway Iām gonna try to find the strength to get out of bed and to start my day. But I just wanted to share. Itās such a horrible illness.
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