TRIGGER WARNING:
^just in case!
I had just thought of making this post today. I know no one has really been keeping track of my journey with the OCD themes I have been struggling with. Or really knows at all. I did, however, want to share a light hearted update. I hope this may help anyone who could possibly be struggling with the same themes. I apologize if there are any typos or run-on sentences where it may be confusing! Iām trying to avoid making any errors!
This will be a long post but hopefully a helpful one.
I want to first start with backtracking a bit. The first time I posted on this app was 2 years ago and I was TERRIFIED. Itās not everyday you hear someone struggling with transgender OCD or sexual orientation OCD. Itās more common to hear about someone struggling with harm based OCD or relationship OCD. I for whatever reason one night had the thought that I was transgender. This jolted me awake and I could not go back to sleep. I donāt think I had put too much attention on my gender identity or in anyway felt deeply connected to my gender identity. I knew I was a woman and I didnāt think too much of it. I knew women have different behaviors and mannerisms than men. However, I genuinely just didnāt pay that much mind to it. This wasnāt until I had this random thought while I was trying to go to sleep that put me into an immediate panic. I was freaking out and had no idea what was going on. I felt like I didnāt know myself. I would look in the mirror and I could never recognize myself. I even had the hardest time just looking into a mirror in general; this lasted for a year maybe a year and a half. I still donāt look into mirrors often and not for any extended amount of time. Just enough to wash my face, put on makeup, the basics of getting ready and just doing check ups etc. When my ocd theme was at its worst however, every time I looked into the mirror I just never felt feminine and I never felt like I LOOKED feminine. I would struggle with this so much and the constant battle of not feeling feminine enough. I would cover my body in baggy clothes and would only get ready unless I absolutely had to. I did try to put effort into my appearance for days I had school etc. There was a moment however, that had helped me to understand what I wanted. I was always happy with being a woman it was never something I wanted to change. I had also always been attracted to men. I had told myself if this is who I am biologically and genetically, if I was born a woman then there was never a mistake that was made. I am a woman and I am NOT transgender. I have the biological body of a woman and I refuse to alter myself in anyway to identify as another gender. As crazy as it sounds, I feel as though it had helped me to understand and reconnect with my younger self that I had lost for a bit of time. I remember during COVID and lockdown, a few years before and after this time I was in high school and just beginning college. I had spent a majority of my time on my phone being numbed by scrolling past post after post and seeing endless amounts of different opinions. I feel like I didnāt understand myself, I didnāt know what I liked or didnāt. I had felt like everything I was ingesting and claiming to connect with I wasnāt actually connecting with or developing MY OWN opinion on. (This is my own fault, for not spending the time I shouldāve off of social medias and the internet to establish my own identity. Thatās something I try to avoid a lot these days.) However, this had helped me to really establish ground beliefs I have for myself. I feel as though I was constantly denying myself the things I actually really wanted I just didnāt know it. I refused the idea of getting married and I never liked the thought of having kids. Crazy enough though, this has opened my eyes to understand that I would actually really really really love those things. I feel like they are such important and fundamental parts of our lives that should be experienced. They are the beautiful moments of life that often get overlooked. Sharing your life with someone is so special and being able to build something with them thatās only scared between the two of you. Then to build a bigger home and caring for your family. I find that to be so amazing and I donāt want to miss something like that. This has helped me to understand how much more I truly love being a woman and I wouldnāt want to be anyone else. I love how strong women are and how enduring we are. I love how compassionate we are and sharing we are. I love being a more gentler person for someone to encounter, I love being kind to people and caring for them. I love having motherly instincts (even though Iām not a mother). There is so much beauty in our differences, between being a man and a woman, but I truly love being a woman. I can appreciate the beauty of a man and their strength and their ability to provide. However, thatās more something I admire and find attractive. Itās not necessarily what I see for myself or connect with. I do really love how I have established an opinion and standard for myself that I hold close. I feel as though itās helped me in a way understand who I am. I oddly feel as though Iāve connected to a purpose. For as long as I could remember I never understood what that meant or what mine was supposed to be. Itās helped me to be so much more appreciative of the little things and to take full advantage of everything and anything I can. Iāve cried so much these past couple of years, as much as itās so annoying to be the biggest crybaby I really wouldnāt have it any other way. I remember going years with not crying or being deeply emotionally connected to myself and constantly asking if there was something wrong with me? Itās helped me to care so much more for people and memories and life and the beauty of living. I did and still do have a list of compulsions I say to myself regularly, but especially when my theme was still new. I repeated three different phrases on rotation: I am a girl, I am a woman, I am feminine. When I first developed this theme I would say these to help prevent myself from having another intrusive thought. Furthermore, to help me connect with myself as the woman I am and wanted to be. As time had passed though, they took a turn in how they made me feel. I would repeat my compulsions in my head, but in a way they began to help me become more aware of myself and my life. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish and so much I want to do. So I couldnāt just let myself sit around and do nothing. I feel as though my compulsions helped me so much in starting to take action. I actually began taking my life and the things I wanted seriously. I want to become financially independent so I learned about Roth IRAS and High Yield Savings accounts (thereās still so much more Iād like to learn, but this was a good start). After learning about these things and implementing them into my life I could see first hand how this can really change someoneās life. I found a deep love for understanding the economy and personal finances ( I know boringggg ). I ended up deciding to switch my major to business instead of pre-health bio (a medical school pregrad degree) and being so much more confident in my decision. Iām now in my last year of school and I couldnāt be more excited to start a career in finances helping others understand and manage theirs. I am constantly trying to make sure Iām living life and experiencing all that I can. Thereās so much more I want to do and so much more Iāll be taking part in. It truly does get better I didnāt think Iād see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know thereās still more work I have to do with my mental health and aiding in my OCD. This theme however was just so different and felt so taboo. I hated telling anyone about it. I was so scared to tell my therapist. I hope this may help someone in knowing that there is another side to it all. It takes a lot of work, trust me, it is exhausting, but hopefully you can realize the things you actually want for yourself and stand firm in those beliefs. Furthermore to also discover a new appreciation for yourself and your strength. I hope youāre able to grow a deeper appreciation for those around you. Especially those who are there for you through your toughest times and holding a special place for them. Itās easy to forget about the little things that truly can make life a little magical sometimes and a little bit more worth living and loving. I really hope this may help someone in any way. If youāve made it this far, thank you so much for reading. Iām so sorry it was so long!
