Welcome to
the NOCD Community

i know i’m spamming on here and i want to die i don’t wanna be a boy it feels like i have to be i can’t keep living like this. i don’t feel like my anymore its true 😭😭

Does anyone else just worry they feel ‘off’ or have anxiety because they are suppressing what they really are? And they don’t even have ocd. It feels so real and like I’ve just supressed it but I love my boyfriend and don’t wann not be with him. It’s also been Xmas and I’m on a plane from the uk to Australia for a month long trip so it could be ocd trying to attack that or it could be what I said up there, denial

tw: su1cide. i feel so bad that i could easily choose death if it were painless. i'm a little afraid of dying, of stopping breathing.. life has no meaning for me for a while now, i feel apathy and a strong discouragement. now, with this problem, i really see myself as a despicable human being and impossible to "get it right". i feel bad about this, because it was a problem that i "hunted" with my own hands. i feel this. i can't stand the doubt, the pain, the thoughts against and the thoughts in favor anymore. it drives me crazy, takes away my peace and my happiness. i didn't have many good feelings before this problem, as far as i can remember..my memory is cloudy and i can't say anything about myself anymore. but i have the desire and the will to be a good person, to be kind, to be normal, to mean something good and to have a positive impact on the lives of the people around me. it seems like i discovered i was a horrible, paraphilic human being.. i am not invalidating the struggle of criminal paraphiliacs who fight against their desires, i am just reinforcing that if i were a person like that, i wouldn't be able to handle it and i wouldn't have the same strength. i hate my body, my appearance, my mind and the way i behave. being born was a big mistake, even though I'm not to blame. i wanted to try something that would take me out of that world, idk..but i still worry about my family members because i will die with them having a good view of me, and that makes me uncomfortable. because i don't feel like a good person. i'm just tired.

Does anyone else have thoughts like mine? While I try not to compare, I know how mine has been very specific lately. For example, I have been on this same theme for a month now. Basically, it started from a black guy I saw at target and I thought “He’s cute.” I went into a spiral and was compulsive by telling my sisters and my boyfriend. Then I would have more thoughts because this one time I shook a protein bottle while looking at another black guy, and he looked at me, I felt the anxiety as I was doing it, I also did compulses by telling my sister and boyfriend, I even had the thought of “what if I liked it?” Later throughout that week, and for some reason this worked, I told myself “I liked it.” And then that gave me the continued thoughts of “I didn’t like it, ha. I knew it” I mean, I was gagging and almost threw up from it and I was talking back to my OCD. The doubt and the uncertainly what was killing me. Now, my brain and my body gets nervous around black guys. Sometimes, scared. For example, this morning this black man called to schedule his mother’s mammogram, I was pretty rude and I wasn’t polite, on purpose. Because I didn’t want to seem friendly and I didn’t want my OCD to be fed anything off of the conversation like “How was my tone talking to them?” Or “Did they think I was being flirty?” So I was very or as monotone as I could be. Most likely because in the morning, and lately I have been having thoughts for weeks, they can go like “ I want a big black cock” “I want a big strong black man” “I like black men” “I want a black man to string me out” “I wonder how it would be to suck black cock, I’m curious” The last one was from this morning, and it started to make me gag, I ended up taking my Lexapro: and at this point, there’s times where these thoughts will rotate around my head. And they can come while I’m talking to my boyfriend and I get distracted. Sometimes, I’m able to be sexual with him and I’m okay. Other times, I had a dream about my ex and then thought of their dick, I didn’t have an image of it, because it’s been years, but my mind went there. Lately, the Lexapro has been doing good at calming me down. This morning, it was hard since I was gagging and I felt dizzy since last night. Sometimes, I feel my heart beating so fast. I’ve been able to let the thoughts pass and go. But when I see a black guy I get scared, I believe this started because of the first scenario that started all this at target and when I told my boyfriend he said that most of my thoughts have been about black men and that I might like them. I know these are intrusive thoughts, and even when I’m not anxious, I am worried what if I enjoy my thoughts and I used to relay on my feelings to prove to me I didn’t, even when I would cry and gag. But this morning I literally went “Nooooo” when I had the thought because I let it go on my mind. I read that the Lexapro and OCD can have other people have these moments and that the thoughts get worse before they get better, cause, back then, if I was off medication, I would probably compulse or gag all day/leave work. So some progress is better than none at least (: I used to worry I was cheating, and now I know that it isn’t that, and that these thoughts are coming out of my control, it even feels like a different voice, it’s my voice but it feels like an outsider, not something I am or actually “thought” even thought I thought it. Does anyone else have this too? What are some tips to handle this? My psychiatrist appointment will not be until February so I wanted to calm myself down a bit since I have a time away until I can vent to a professional. Thank you!

My mom and I are watching American horror story and before this, I knew Sarah Paulson was in it, I think she’s a wonderful actress but when I say her and pointed her out to my mom my brain said “yeah and she’s a known lesbian, you’d be happier like her” and I just got this entirely huge wave of anxiety and now I’m sweating. I’m so worried my bisexuality has been a farce this whole time and I don’t like men and even if I still do like men, why don’t I feel anything for my bf? We played terraria for a couple hours today and it was fun but it didn’t feel like we were more than friends. Maybe cuz I’m a bit stressed and obsessing. I found myself a bit bored while he was explaining( idk why, I’ve never played the game so I needed help lol. I can’t tell if I’ve actually fallen out of love with him or not. I’m so happy around him but I can’t tell if it’s as a friend. I’m scared about the future of our relationship and idk if it’s cuz I don’t want it or cuz I’m scared about having a family and worrying about blowing it up if I find out I’m a lesbian. I feel so awkward saying I love you to him and I’m worried it means I’ve realized it’s comphet. I’m still sweating. I’m wearing his sweater. I barely feel sad. I barely feel anxious. It feels like I’ve grieved the relationship and am just holding on. And part of me just wants to say I’m gay and end it but idk if that’s true. Pls help Idk what’s me or what’s ocd if it is even that help

I hate when my OCD revolves around themes that are sexual. It includes family, kids, and my pets. It makes me feel gross, and contortions make me feel like I’ve acted on these things. I feel extreme guilt all the time, and I also feel like an imposter hiding behind OCD and fooling everyone, even myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone, it hurts me to argue with people sometimes even if they’ve hurt me. I love my cats, am not a big fan of kids, but I do love the kids that are in my family, such as my cousins, and I love my pets. All of these things are very important to me, and OCD has convinced me that they are not and I’m some sort of monster. Being hyper sexual as a kid alsoreinforces this thought that I’m a bad person. I hate this and sometimes I feel like I’m alone, alone, meaning that no one has gone through it in this way, super extreme, with compulsions that include self checking down there, or thinking of thoughts on purpose to test yourself. I feel lost

I’m not trying to seek reassurance or anything, but maybe relate to others that are in the same boat. Why does this feel so real? Like it feels like genuine attraction. It brings me so much pain and anxiety, but it’s still there. I don’t “want to want it”, I want to be normal, I hate the way it makes me feel. I also test myself often, I get frequent urges to test myself and it’s impossible to stop. Sometimes when I’m testing myself I almost feel like calling it “testing” is just an excuse to have these terrible thoughts. Again, it almost feels like genuine attraction. This scares me to death. I’d do anything to just be normal again.

Idk how to deal with the guilt. I know that part of recovering from ocd is to not do compulsions (mine are all mental) but how can I not do them when I feel extremely guilty for these thoughts that feel VERY real. It’s gotten to the point where I think they are real. And I’m just supposed to tell myself “oh I’m okay with the uncertainty, maybe I do like this stuff maybe I don’t??” How am I supposed to live with myself

I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before

Not sure if anyone else has ever experienced this. For context I’m going through my first major OCD relapse after being well for a really long time- around 5 years or so. I first suffered from so-ocd when I was around 21. I got through it with therapy and antidepressants. Also I met my now husband at the time who I fell in love with and it kind of just went away. Anyway I had not had to deal with these thoughts for a significant amount of time. It’s now come back with a vengeance at the age of 28. I am going through exposure therapy. However it feels like because it’s come back that my OCD Is telling me that I was attracted to women all along. Like the recurrence of the theme is evidence that maybe I am gay. Has anyone else ever experienced this? It’s making me question whether I’ve been in denial all along. I was happily married up until 6 months ago. This is what is so annoying. I’ve only ever been intimate with my husband and I’ve only ever dated/ kissed men. I also hate how there are days where I will have non stop thoughts. I’ll wake up and I’ll be thinking about it and it will stop me from enjoying life. Even though I’m not actively doing compulsions, it’s just always there in the background. I guess my main question is 1. Has anyone dealt with this theme recurring and convincing them that this means it’s true? How do you deal with this. 2. How do you reduce the nonstop thoughts and rumination? Thanks.

i need to know. 2 weeks ago, i was having intrusive thoughts, and i was able to sleep and manage. but one day, i got this weird feeling that i am having an awakening in my soul about my sexuality. the feeling in heavy in my throat and in my chest and i cant shake it. it feels like i am actually gay and i am in the closet and i wont come out and say it because of societal norms and i dont want to. im constantly scared and i am constantly feeling like i am lying to everyone around me. It feels like this is it, i am stuck with this feeling forever and i am never going to go back to me. i think about my past and how i was just supressing these feelings and i get so scared. please can someone please tell me they relate ??? i need to know.

When I was 16, I was going through a rough patch for sure, I would talk to just about anyone I could. There was this girl who I remember becoming friends with and she was 13 I believe. I don’t remember ever thinking anything of it. I remember talking to her about my ex’s and ranting to her and stuff like that. She would do the same. One day I remember her asking if when she got older if I would date her. And I remember saying no because I don’t like girls like that. I think after that we just continued to be friends. It wasn’t a very long lived thing or anything. My whole problem has been I can’t remember everything. I think to myself what if it was in appropriate I stayed friends with her after she showed interest it me. What if I did something inappropriate I didint mean to do and just didint think anything of it. We were both girls and I treated her like I would a normal girl that’s a friend. I keep thinking what if I sent her inappropriate pictures because at the time I was very insecure and showed off my body a lot often posting mirror pics and such on my stories and sending them to everyone. Basically fishing for compliments. I ended up having her blocked when I went back to look on my old Snapchat. I can’t remember why but I’m assuming it has something to do with me not wanting my ex to see our messages because I would talk badly about him to her. I’m not sure tho and of course that’s triggering as well. Mental rumination is a horrible thing to go through. My boyfriend tells me I’m okay, and that I did nothing wrong and I was just a kid myself even so. I would just hate to be a bad person and unknowingly take advantage of someone in a way I didint realize was possible? If that makes sense. Only thing I can say for sure is I did not mean to be innaproproate I just did not think into it that way of her age and her having a crush on me. She also had a boyfriend during most of it so I don’t think I thought anything of it because of that as well.

I am thinking what if i was with a guy and it is making me feel so bad, i truly love her but I catch myself thinking what if she was a guy and would I like it more or less. So frustrating knowing I had a crush on her for years and when we together this bullshit makes me wonder if i would break up would it be easier? And this is another guilt shit. In the end what is scariest is what if it is not my rocd? Even tho yesterday for the whole day I accepted my intrusive thoughts, anxiety didnt control me at all when I was with her on a date. And today speaking with her im having all these thoughts, cause guys turn me on so much. It's getting hard

I just can’t get my head around the doubt / anxiety feeling my in chest. I’m sitting here atm thinking omg what if I don’t have ocd and I actually have these thoughts etc? I haven’t been actually diagnosed. I have self diagnosed myself as obviously everything I’ve read and especially now being on this app I can see how I’m very similar to people on here. So that’s the first stress this morning and the second one is I’m thinking, how do I ACTUALLY know I don’t like girls until I try kiss one ( this gives me extreme anxiety because I’ve never wanted to kiss a girl ever! Nor even thought about it!!! ) but ever since I’ve been struggling with this soocd, I’m having all these thoughts and causing me such distress. I’m like omg I’d never even try and kiss a girl because what if I DO like it??? I don’t want to be a lesbian at all! I have a boyfriend of 5 years and love him to bits!!! I just think, this is ocd is written down to a T? It’s wants that 100% certainty and I won’t be fully happy until some magic man comes down from heaven and says, you’re straight 100%😂 I just wanted to get your guys thoughts on it? Does this sound like ocd? Or things you’ve experienced before ?? Thanks xxx

(please read if you have advice :( ) I wanted to start this thread off by saying, I am trying my hardest to not ask for reassurance. Anyways, ever since a kid I’ve been very hyper sexual, I don’t really remember the first memory or incident that caused this, but I do remember growing up , having unrestricted Internet, access, and other kids doing things to me, whether it was a cousin, family, friend, or friend at school, and also walking in on family members doing things that children should not be seeing(sometimes the family didn’t care to not let me see :( )I would self pleasure all the time, even in inappropriate areas. Whether it was at school, around family, and I even would go on Omegle at the young age of nine and talk to old men. Throughout my whole life I have just been very hyper sexual, which is hard to deal with ever since I got diagnosed with OCD, as my brain sexualizes, even my intrusive thoughts. The thoughts revolve around my family, my pets, and kids. Self Pleasure has become a compulsion, something that has become extremely repetitive, as I use it to ease the intrusive thoughts and groinal responses, but it doesn’t work therefore it just puts me in a loop. I do not want to harm anybody and I sure as hell do not want to be attracted to these things. But in the moment, the sensations and thoughts feel like this is something I actually want. It’s hard for me to feel content with this being OCD given the history of my childhood and even growing up while being a teenager. I really just want all of this to go away as it is mental torture for me. This has been going on for years, specifically the OCD as I got diagnosed with it when I was 15. I don’t know what was going on before I got diagnosed, I can only assume it was OCD also. I really just don’t know what to do, I’m scared to talk to therapist, even though I have talked to one before, it’s just that therapist with someone I was extremely comfortable with, but unfortunately had to stop speaking with them. This OCD stuff just feels so real, it comes with feelings, sensations, thoughts, urges, that feel extremely real. I would rather take myself off this earth than hurt anybody in any of those ways. I feel like I’m lying to you, as if I am a fraud, hiding behind OCD. Any advice is welcome thank you for reading if you have.

🔞 tw: p0rn there are days when i feel like there is an emptiness inside me. today i relapsed into pornography, after 2 months..like, i always try to avoid pornography, i know the harmful effects (both chemical and physical). I don't know if sometimes it comes back as a "compulsion" due to the horrible thoughts I have. comparing scenarios, seeing if it gives me pleasure.. While I'm thinking about this, many intrusive thoughts come to mind, and i have to 100% avoid any video that refers to an age gap situation (even though i'm always attracted to older people). like, why does my mind insist on telling me that if it were something illegal I would be enjoying it much more?! or creating pedo scenarios.. i know that pornography is not healthy at all for someone with OCD (i have no diagnosis), but i just feel a lot of fear and dread.

I feel like the thoughts are actually me now. Specifically the ones about my sexuality. I’m bisexual so yes I do like women but I’m worried I ONLY like women now and will lose my bf. Idk if I actually want to have sex with a woman. I’ve never had the desire to. Idk if I actually want to leave my boyfriend. Right now I feel indifferent when a few hours ago I actually felt normal feelings. I’m scared im never gonna enjoy sex with him again and I’m gonna be leading him on for years denying that I only like women when I do actually like men and enjoy sex with them it’s just when I have a lot on my plate (my thoughts, finals, other family stuff cuz yay holidays) I can’t actively enjoy it and want it to be over faster. I hate this. I just want to be normal. I’m getting Groinals over nothing and idk how to deal with them. Like I’m reading a story about lesbians coming out or I’m typing smtjn about my anxiety around the thoughts of my sexuality and I feel smthn down there. And I’m worried it’s true. I don’t feel actual anxiety in my stomach about it but I start ruminating but still feel confused. There’s no answer at the end. Is that normal? Idk what to do. My therapist and I took a break cuz Christmas so I’m out of therapy for 3 weeks. What can I do? What happens if I actually do enjoy the thoughts? I know it wouldn’t take away from me loving my boyfriend but I’m worried it’s gonna be stronger but again, doesn’t take away my love for him. Even if I’m slightly more attracted to women, I still like men. I can’t imagine myself being intimate with anyone anymore tho. Except my boyfriend when it’s actually happening but lately it feels like a mental block before we start but I go forward anyways. How do I know if it’s denial or if it’s just ocd? I’m scared that I’ll come out the other side of this a lesbian. My brain is already conjuring up thoughts of “aha I’ve solved it I’m a lesbian” when NO!! I LIKE MEN. I know I do. I just also like women. YOPPEE me for having options. CAN I PLEASE BE HAPPY WITH THE OPTION I CHOSE? THE TALL NERDY MAN J FELL IN LOVE WITH? FOR JUST A MINUTE? How do I know if I actually don’t have feelings for him and am just holding on cuz of denial? How do I know? I want a future with him and it seems so peaceful and beautiful but then my brain says “noooo you’re gonna break up with him cuz it’d be better being with a woman. Jordan wand is dating alistair and she’s happy” like good for her she has a gf but she’s also bi and likes men she’s just dating a woman. SHHH. Like my brain is convincing me that “ah yes this is the wrong person for you stupid.” No. I know I should stop fighting the thoughts but accepting uncertainty scares the shit out of me cuz what if I accept too much of it and actually end up hating my boyfriend. Even if I do remain bi what happens then? It’s 6 am I need to sleep I’ve been up all night. I’m supposed to study but I can’t.

I'm sorry if this post is long, but I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with a similar issue? I'm currently seeking an OCD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, but we're trying out medication right now, so it's sort of a waiting game at the moment. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in the past, but I suspect I might have OCD due to the onset in intrusive thoughts I've been having recently (the past 6-7 months). I've had intrusive thoughts when I was younger and convinced myself I'd harm my family members and grow up to be a serial killer. It was extremely distressing, and I'd cry myself to sleep every night after imagining scenarios where I actually committed those crimes. Although, recently, I've been dealing with thoughts of becoming a p*dophile. It began when I was 18 years old (I'm currently 19 years old). A family member opened up to me about them being assaulted at their daycare, and this led me to get a really horrible image of something like that happening to my little brothers who had just started daycare and elementary school. Then, this spiraled into games my younger sister and I would play with each other when we were younger (I must've been 8 years old), and I had worried I might have done something bad. I confessed this to her, my psychiatrist and both of my parents, and they reassured me I didn't do anything wrong, but the thoughts didn't stop. I began obsessing over every little memory from childhood, and a lot of bad memories resurfaced. As a child, I had unrestricted internet access, as I'm sure a lot of my generation did. This led me to have inappropriate conversations online with adults who knew my age, and later, I went down a rabbit hole of finding inappropriate content on YouTube. For years, these memories rarely crossed my mind or mattered to me until recently. In the process of researching for reassurance, I found out about hypersexuality. I'm afraid that those things I engaged in as a child might've caused all of this? I'm not even positive if I'm hypersexual, but one of the symptoms was paraphilia, and I freaked out. What if what I thought was POCD is actually hypersexuality, and I'm going to give into these intrusive thoughts/urges... I try to tell myself that if it's causing me this much distress, that won't happen, but then my mind tells me there's always a possibility, and maybe I'm just in denial about it all? What if these intrusive thoughts make me become a horrible person? It's such an isolating experience. I'm sorry for the long post, but advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm wondering if people have had similar experiences and, if so, how have you dealt with these thoughts? Thank you🥲

Idk if it’s ROCD rn. I don’t feel much anxiety but it could be habituation to the thoughts of breaking up and worrying about if I love him enough. It’s hard to see a future. I’m pretty sure I still want it. It’s just it’s hard to see cuz of the thoughts I’m having. But there’s no anxiety. Is it just me falling out of love? Idk anymore. I’m a bit stressed and sad. I do love him but I worry I don’t love him enough. We’re of different cultures and religions and reading comments online people say it just doesn’t work so maybe it’s getting in my head. I feel a bit numb and confused. I still respond to the thoughts so that doesn’t help. Before all this a future with him was so clear but now imagining it I feel slightly anxious. Maybe it’s cuz I’m worried the risk won’t work out. I do want it to work out but I’m finding it hard to pixture the future Maybe it’s cuz idk what’s in store cuz this isn’t the life I imagined for myself. I never imagined dating a sweet Muslim guy. I thought I’d date a mediocre white man lol or a woman(yay bisexual, but also really scared cuz of soocd which could also be impacting this) So it’s a huge culture shift for me. I can’t see the wedding. I can sorta see the apartment. That doesn’t really change much, just the decor. I can’t see a family even tho I really really want it. I want to be immersed in his family and culture. I’m worried I’m gonna get bored of him which is literally impossible. I’m worried I’m gonna cringe at his looks. I’m worried I’m gonna realize I’m gay in the future (I’m not I know that. I like men) idk. I’m scared and confused. Did anyone else struggle with being unable to picture the future but knew or sorta knew you still wanted it despite the thoughts you were having? I can’t tell if it’s just an ocd thought or a genuine concern because of our differences even tho we’ve discussed everything. I know there will be events we can’t expect but we talked about what we could and then my brain jumps to worst case scenarios about smthn that may not even happen I want to live my life with him I know that. Idk what to do or how to distinguish the thoughts. Usually if it’s a what if it’s a not me thoight is what my therapist says so I try that but a lot of the thoughts come as statements. What do I do?

Hi! (I always turn on a trigger warning in case there was an accidental trigger for someone) I’ve been slowly coming out of a ocd relapse and had an amazing weekend with an incredible guy. Last week I’ve been bad about compulsions and handling random triggers. I feel bad even today for looking up internalized homophobia and trying to see if I relate. I’ve never been homophobic it’s just for me being gay is not who I am. I know I’ve been getting better because the thoughts don’t bother me as much but then it’s “but why don’t they bother me” kind of thing which is annoying. I’m a straight woman who struggles with SOOCD, ROCD, with hints of Suicidal ocd in the mix. I struggle with a lot of themes but SOOCD and ROCD are prominent and have been the most difficult for me personally. I have always been with and fallen in love with men. My dream has always been to marry like Bruce Wayne or have always imagined myself being with the leading guy in a movie that I thought was attractive. I was even married to a guy. We are getting divorced and I’m realizing that I went through a lot of mental abuse and ignored a lot of red flags. My confidence and self esteem have never been so low. Until I met this guy. I was on the verge of a breakdown with the relapse I had been having. Before I left to see this guy, my mom had a talk with me. She told me that the reason I was relapsing was because of my period being late (which it still is) and that I’m still carrying the hurt and shame I experienced from my marriage failing. From feeling ugly and not being good enough for my ex husband who was emotionally cheating on me. She said “OCD is making decisions for you before you even get the chance to. OCD is going to attack what makes you happy”. And this new guy really does. I don’t know how to explain it but when I saw him this weekend, I felt peace. OCD still crept in but it was easier to manage especially when he was there with me. I honestly have feelings for him but am not use to feeling so calm. He knows how to talk to me and he pays attention to me. We have a deep connection and I honestly see myself having a future with him. OCD has been attacking me here and there with worry that I’m lying to him about who I am or seeing him leave with another woman. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again and scared about all the uncertainty again. I’ve never once questioned these things about myself until November of 2023. I’ve been doing better but I’ve been feeling so many different things and now I value this man so man. I’m scared I’m going to hurt him because of my ocd and the thoughts I have. I keep having thoughts about lying and it’s just awful. I caught a glimpse of the old me when I was with this guy. I could feel my feelings and that connection that I always use to have with myself before ocd. I didn’t realize how much stress has really destroyed my sense of self. My self trust and always being confident in who I am. I could feel whenever I looked into his eyes and how he melted my heart. It felt amazing to be me again even if it’s for a short amount of time. I recently listened to Zach Westerbecks podcast called you’re not alone and he said to take recovery seriously. I want to. I need to. I wanna be me again and I can feel her in there. I also really want to be with this man. So if you read this much, thank you! My message is find your reason and take recovery seriously. You are not alone.