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the NOCD Community

So strange and personal question but has any female here with HOCD ever watched Lesbian porn or actively looked at sexual pictures of women and been aroused, but identify as straight. Because I did that when I was young but when I did it (it was only for a month or two) I identified as straight and continued to like boys and as a kid I never had the thought I was gay because I never had a crush on a girl. But now that my HOCD started in summer it’s been coming back to haunt me. The part that worry’s me is that when I was little I actively searched out these pictures. It wasn’t exactly like things that were meant to arouse me, but it did at times. I just found them interesting and actively looked at them. It wasn’t an addiction but it wasn’t an accident. Does this mean I’m gay? I rlly hop it doesn’t and it’s just HOCD. I just can’t let go of this it makes my HOCD crazy...

Can OCD cause false memories ? I’ve seen something about it on here before but didn’t have time to read it. I’m really concerned because about 2 days ago, I was reading and read the word ‘kissing’ and then all of a sudden i got this thought in my head (like how OCD usually randomly sets off a trigger) and the thought is so horrible (I suffer with POCD) and I was like omg I know what it’s like to kiss a child (like, it felt like I genuinely remembered how it felt). And I started to panic so much thinking when have a I done that. These thoughts tend to involve my nephews because they’re really young, from ages 1-6, so my POCD often gives me intrusive thoughts about them. But this thought felt so real to the point where I keep thinking it’s actually happened. I did have a dream the other day that had my nephew in and it was so inappropriate and made me feel sick and guilty, so maybe this is where the false memory has come from. And I was like omg what if I’ve kissed him. And then I got really upset even though I know I haven’t because I would never do that ever and it makes me feel sick. So then the thought proceeded to omg you must’ve kissed your brother. And then the thoughts became so real all of a sudden and I started to panic so much ! I feel like this has genuinely happened when I was little (obviously not knowing that what I was doing was wrong) but it’s making me feel so sick and I don’t even know if it actually happened or not !! I’m so stressed having this on my mind and not even knowing. And what makes it worse is that the thought/ memory is like not just a kiss, it’s like a proper kiss and I feel sick !! But I don’t even know if it happened !!! How does the mind do This ?! And what makes it worse is that I remember when I was little and I was playing with my younger brother and we were tickling each other, and then I said I wanted to show him something that would tickle, and I started to tickle him (down there) and then it was like massaging it for a few seconds because I’d done it to myself so thought it was okay. I was only little so obviously didn’t know what I was doing and I told my mum about it ages ago because I felt awful and horrible. But now this thought that this kissing thing actually happened, I don’t even know what to do! I feel so guilty and sick and the fact that I can’t tell if it’s real or not is frustrating me so much ! Can this kissing thing be a false memory ? I feel like a terrible person !

Trigger warning : New record. I had a panic attack, a meltdown and nausea in the bathroom because I felt I was covered in mouse poop, I think I swallowed one and there was a smear by chocolate which I can’t stop thinking it’s poo. Then had an accident. With all that, cleaning and showering, I was in the bathroom for 9hours. And my cleaning isn’t even done. It’s 5:25am and I’m exhausted. Because I showered for three hours, when I got out the floor was covered in water but somehow I can’t stop thinking it’s toilet water.

For anyone who has OCD related disorders like dermatillamania or trichotillamania (I'm sreally sorry if I'm butchering those names) what is it like?

PLEASE READ I NEED HELP! please help me! I’m a 16 year old girl, and Okay I don’t wanna sound crazy but I feel insane. Okay so I have constant anxiety everyday and frequent panic attacks. It’s terrible going to sleep because I wake up a bunch of times during the night and I have vivid short dreams and it makes reality feel like a dream as well. I get thoughts when I’m out in public like “what if I’m not actually here right now” or if I’m talking to someone I get the fear that what if that persons not actually there... it causes anxiety and I get scared at the fact that part of me believes the thoughts... reality feels so fake and I have existential intrusive thoughts all day long!! I feel depressed all the time and I can’t get out of this vicious mindset. I’m so paranoid all the time and I’m SO emotional and cry all the time. I used to be sooo happy but I can’t silence the thoughts that turn into ridiculous scenarios in my head. I’m scared apart of me is comfortable like this... and it feels like I’m not gonna be able to get happy again. It’s reality not feeling real, the feeling like I’m dreaming, the fear of going insane, fear of drugs, fear of schizophrenia and existential thoughts that scare me the most. anyone else feel like this? I feel so alone ?

do today at school we were doing this project and i was in a group with this lesbian and there’s nothing wrong with that but for some reason i cant stop thinking about it. i’m scared people were judging me and thinking i was a lesbian. i really hope this is hocd but still not sure. someone pls help!!!!

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just under 3 years and we are so happy, BUT he has had a really rough gonof things in life, his entire family is abusive and he lives with his abusive family, his mom is severely depressed and he has to take care of her. He hasn’t been able to keep a job while we’ve been dating because of it. He tried but he ended up having severe panic attacks and quitting because of everything going on, his uncle died and his grandma is dying and he has started drinking. He is getting help, from therapy, doctors etc, he lives off of ODSP at the moment and is getting an apartment so he can get out of the abusive situation. I understand all of this as I’ve lived through it with him and I think he is so strong. And I can really see that he’s trying. But my mother isn’t. All she every talks about is how he’s a nice guy. But he’s shit and I should dump him. That’s not how I feel AT ALL but any time she says that stuff it sends me into a spiral. I obsess over it and I hate it. He’s doing so well and he’s trying so hard, he wants to get a job and go to achool for photography, and I LOVE HIM I’m so proud of him for taking care of his mother even though she is so awful. I just wish my mother saw what I did

Can anyone with harm ocd explain their symptoms and what the daily struggles are like?

Hi everyone. I’m new to this and I don’t know if this would be the right place to share this but my first encounter with OCD was when I had my first intrusive thought around the age of 12. The thought was “God is stupid” and I couldn’t stop crying that whole night. It was the craziest thing ever. How my mind went from normal to abnormal in just a flash was terrible yet fascinating. I’m a Christian and always wondered why God would let such a strong and intense disorder enter my mind. One of the most strengthening things that someone told me was that these thoughts were not “me”. As in, these thoughts are not my fault. I believed and ever since, I was slowly able to conquer such as crazy disorder. Other issues I had was my mom not understanding it. It feels even more rough that your parents don’t really know it because they don’t experience it. But I’m here to say that God has helped me gain control of my mind overtime and I believe he didn’t give me a disorder. He gave me a gift. I just needed to learn how to control it, that’s all. God Bless and Shalom❤️

Weird question but does anyone get the random fear that you actually “enjoy” the intrusive thoughts and OCD is just an excuse and you don’t want to get better? Or am I crazy. Of course I want to be free :(

Had a really hard time tonight; found myself obsessing about whether or not I am a pedophile. I have not been officially diagnosed with POCD but I feel that I have it. I am not sexually attracted to children and do not even think about children if not for these times. If I’ve seen a child who I think is attractive or who I find attractive, I spiral. The thing is my mind brings up children from the past who I found attractive and then I spiral downwards. What if I am a pedophile? Why would I think a child is attractive? Why do I remember these children? If I was alone with a child what would I do? That makes me a pedophile. I end up googling pictures of children to see what I feel all the time physically and emotionally. I even thought about looking at some child porn just to see what I’d feel but to be honest I’m not interested in seeing those images. I spend hours on the internet and youtube trying to figure out whether I am a pedophile or not. Whether it really is POCD or if I’m just a pedophile in denial. What if I’m just lying to myself? I’m so tired of this. I get really nervous around children, the other day I actually darted out of my aisle at Walmart because there were children there and I didn’t want to risk feeling anything in case I am a pedo. I even surprised myself doing that. I’m scared to tell the counselor I just started seeing because what if she tells me I am? Please tell me I’m not alone in how I feel. Sorry for the long post; it’s my first time posting and as you can see there’s a lot on my mind. Thanks.

anyone ever experience intrusive thoughts about having schizophrenia ? any tips? please

Not sure if relationship issue or rocd. I love my girlfriend. She’s really bad about pushing my limits and has lied to me in the past while pushing my limits about when she is coming home (she was doing drugs at one point) and always pushing the time. Now she’s still doing this frequently but while she’s visiting her sister and sometimes it even leads to her staying the night at her sisters if she drank too much to drive home. I’ve made her Uber before because i won’t take excuses. But we’re tight on money right now. She knows what this does to me anxiety wise and she still chose to drink irresponsibly and enter a time warp when she is at her sisters. Every time she does this I feel like I want to break up with her. Every time we make up I feel in love. But she did it again tonight and is staying the night and I told her this time is her last time doing this to me. That i need and deserve someone who can keep their word. That if she does it one more time we’re breaking up. I asked her if she understood that it would mean we would break up if it happened one more time any point in the future. She said she doesn’t want that but yes. I feel like I have set a boundary that I know is going to break and this is doomed. I don’t know what else to do or what but I know this community is full of support. So that’s what I’m hoping for ???

Okay so this is going to sound gross but does anybody else have to deal with OCD while using the restroom? Every time I have to *use* a urinal, I have to complete a series of mostly mental but sometimes physical compulsions before, during, and after going. For instance, my OCD makes me feel like if I don’t complete the compulsions such as imagining a certain color shade for a period of time, or if I don’t “flex” or strain my groin for a certain period of time, then it means I’m gay, or I like looking at other guy’s genitals, such as the person using the urinal next to me. These compulsions are extremely uncomfortable to think about and sometimes painful to complete, as the “strainage” of the groin can hurt after long periods of time. Does anyone else have this, or have any advice? I really hate feeling alone with such embarrassing and uncomfortable obsessions/compulsions

I hate my life. Meltdowns used to be once a week, then once every few days, then once a day and now twice a day. My phone is acting like a piece of crap and it keeps deleting things which is one of my fears. I’m so exhausted.

People with HOCD and in relationships - how do you cope? Does your partner know? What are some techniques you use to stop the thoughts.

New to the group/app. Chronic OCD sufferer. First had my first brush with it at 17/18 I’m 29 now. Had a sexual thought about my mother that then turned into me thinking “what about if i have sexual thoughts about everybody?” I then had sexual thoughts about people around me, but my mind latched on men. I’m heterosexual, never questioned myself til that day. After months of searching for things and replaying situations back in my head i was able to live peacefully only with the occasional or lingering “what if’s?” This was 11/12 years ago. Over the course I’ve had the occasional intrusive thought popping in and out of my head during my times with women and wondering did i like the thought or the woman? The woma always won and I was mostly able to brush em off and keep it moving. More recently i made the mistake of eating a marijuana edible. Me and weed DONT mix. After feeling high for what felt like a lifetime i began panicking and wondering “what if i stay this way?” “What If i developed a psychosis?” “What if reality isn’t real?” “What if this is underlying schizophrenia?” Those hit me for about a week and a half...then it returned back to my worst, HOCD. I’ve been happily dating a woman for 2 years of course I’ve had my doubts and thoughts along the way but i was mainly able to shrug it off. We’ve enjoyed a healthy sex life and each other’s company. But now with the return of the monster i get choked up with anxiety about possibly leaving her and coming out of some closet that I know I’m not in and i begin revisiting and replaying every single moment of the past and thinking “am i even attracted to her?” “Why do i feel choked up/weirded out when we kiss now?” Etc. I realize it’s all anxiety but damn it’s been beating me down recently. Apologies for the long post. Take care guys.

Having thoughts like "your thoughts are real... you really are a bad person.... you don't have ocd, you're just using it as an excuse for your thoughts... you were 'diagnosed' by a college counselor, so it's probably not real... you like your thoughts....." and right now I'm able to keep the anxiety down which is good because I have one more class to get through today but I can tell that later I will be overthinking this and probably get extremely anxious. When I get really anxious I can't cry, I don't know why, but then my head tells me "well you're not crying so you're not really upset or worried about it because you're a bad person." Sorry in advance if I go on a posting spree later when this all hits.

Anyone have any insight/experience with OCS? Obsessive Compulsive Spartanism?

I know this probably won’t apply to people here, but maybe it will, just not exactly an “OCD thing” does anyone suffer from brain fog? I have it immensely bad, due to a lot of health issues, including type 1 diabetes manly but also depression can cause it. Brain fog is different than feeling overwhelmed and overworked etc..if you have it you will know exactly what I’m talking about when I say you don’t feel alive. It’s either feeling too much of everything or completely numb, NOTHING feels real, (which can lead to/goes along with depersonalization types of disorders but not always) I feel like everything is so hard to focus and hold onto. And on top of that I have silent migraines which leads to a lot of head pressure which just intensifies the brain fog. I had a breakdown in my car today crying for a good 20 minutes to my boyfriend of how upset I am that my life is this way. I understand things could be so much worse but some things like OCD (which of course I have) and brain fog, eliminates you from being able to see a brighter side, or make yourself better. How can you change your life if you can’t think clearly? ? just need some love and positive encouragement to carry on I guess.