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the NOCD Community

when did luvox start working for u guys? on two weeks i dont feel anything working... almost three weeks 😭

Hello! I have this fear about staring at people innapropriately. Breasts, bum, groin. This moved onto children, and it affects me greatly. I personally feel like I cannot get rid of the thought until I look. This makes me feel like I did it intentionally, which makes me worry I am a pervert. And obviously, so much worse now it's happened to children. I also get the feeling like I want it, which makes me feel worse. Like I am doing it to molest someone, but everyone knows I hate pedophilia and anything of sorts I wonder if anyone has similar stories. I feel so alone, and I don't want anyone else to as well. I'm hopefully going to a proper professional soon thankfully.

Last night I kept waking up on and off. Because my mom was worried for me, me and my boyfriend are on a break. I kept waking up in the middle of the night on the verge of tears and panic and started messaging him before going back to sleep and waking up again later. This time, it said he posted on his story 2 hours ago when by this time I text 4 hours ago. Since then I've been horrifyed that he's angry at me. I continue to miss him, but my mind keeps saying "do you really miss him, or are you just bored?" "You're only with him because no one else listens to you about your interests." "Maybe you'd replace him." It makes me go back and analyze how I've treated him in the past. I was frequently annoyed, irritable, and a bit jealous of him due to insecurity reasons. And no matter what, Ive always been a somewhat emotionally numb person. I believe I lack empathy, and in general I seem cold. I'm so scared. I'm scared I'm just using him. I don't know what to do.

I can't stand having an obsessive mind. I've lived like this my whole life—childhood included—and I don't think I even know what it means not to be obsessively questioning something in my head. I'm ALWAYS on high alert. At this point, the subtype or theme doesn't even matter anymore, because it latches onto anything and everything in my day-to-day life. I'm EXHAUSTED and stuck inside my own brain.

So i need some help, i havent been diagnosed with ocd but i heavily resonate with OCD symptoms and have had symptoms for 10 years now and ROCD is a theme i seem to be dealing with for a couple of months. Can it be that your ROCD thoughts get to the point where you feel like your clarity is being hijacked by OCD and deep deep down you know that you have had better days and that this isn’t what you truly want but its making you think and feel like it is what you want/need like e.g I’ve been having a lot of thoughts like ‘you don’t want to be with him’ when this started again i tried to put what i learnt to practise to let it be there but i started to lean into reassuring myself that i do want to be with him, leading into a bothered feeling with the thoughts in the back of your head. To then feeling and thoughts like you will be better and happier if you weren’t with them. This is the first time in a while that i have felt really out of touch with my true self and its starting to feel like my true self is not my true self and that THIS is my true self. It started to not even feel scary and more like a fact that made me sad but still a bit uncomfortable. Ive had small moments of being like “thats not what i want” to the thoughts and being able to let them pass but when it gets bad it gets bad and it feels like you have no other option to really go in. It almost like distorts your brain even though a week ago i felt arguably the exact opposite of this. Its been like this for a couple of days now, ive seen him over the last couple of days so maybe the already sensitivity of it triggered it more being with him. (Side note i started my period the other day so i have felt overall more sensitive) please say im not the only one who is dealing with this and that its not just me, its kind of a nightmare. I hope this doesnt last forever because im also a bit worried that it’s never gonna go away and that its something i need to worry about.

alright yall, this might be a long one. me and my ex boyfriend have broken up 2 times now. this most recent time he moved to my town to be closer to me and slowly proved himself to me. one night however, he went up on a mountain and didn’t tell me anything about what he was doing which was weird because he usually tells me everything. he also does have a little bit of ocd. anyways, i got very angry and frustrated and ended up yelling at him. after that fight it feels like he has pulled away. he started smoking again everyday which is not good for him because it makes him foggy and just not really care about much including me. we have had conversations since this fight about how he doesn’t know what he wants from me anymore and that hurts considering we have been trying to figure things out for months now. flash forward to these past two weeks. he keeps giving off mixed signals and acting weird. he hangs out with this guy every single day (they smoke together) and it makes me anxious and overthink everything because this guy is also gay. he’s not his type in any way but he has told me that his friend “is an attractive young man and has a really kind heart”. he has also told me that he loves that i don’t smoke or drink so it’s just out of character for him to be doing anything with this guy. all while he’s been telling me that he thinks that things between me and him are going to be okay. i’m scared that he’s lying and doesn’t want to fix things like he says he does. he goes camping with this guy, sees him on his break at work, and constantly texts him when we are together. all i want is him and to fix things between us but it’s hard because it’s almost like he just won’t let me. he says he wants me to tell him everything i’m thinking and feelings since it’s an issue we have ran into in the past, and i’ve gotten better at it. the things that bothers me is the fact that i’m working so hard on myself but it feels like he isn’t seeing it. he says he is, but then goes and hangs out with his friend instead of me. also side note, i went through his phone one night (i know i shouldn’t have) and found out he was on grindr. that’s where he met his friend instead when i confronted him about it he said he was just making sure that i wasn’t on there. i don’t know if i fully believe him. anyways, sorry for the long post. these past few weeks have been rough.

I had a relapse in a bad habit that actively feeds my ocd. This was because it's not just my ocd at play, I think I'm also going through a sort of withdrawal with that habit, and cutting myself off from the people related to it makes me feel isolated and alone. The point being, I ended up pushing the limits of what my triggers were and had a relapsed yesterday afternoon. I feel terrible and scared that it might happen again in the future since I partially sought out the anxiety beforehand. I'm holding myself accountable and trying to get better, but it's really hard when the habit I'm trying to drop and the ocd are double teaming me. Anybody got any advice or just general words of relatability?

I've been going through hell for months and months. Recently diagnosed with BPD, suspected OCD that kind of switches between Real Event and Relationship focused, but of course also I doubt whether I have OCD at all and the relationship focused stuff is actually "my gut" or "my subconscious" or whatever. Started Prozac a few months ago. For the past few days, I've actually been feeling really good. Less rumination, less drive to "figure out" the questions and doubts that pop into my head. Less desire to "investigate" my thoughts and waht they mean. A bit less "testing" of my feelings as well. So I was so happy, because I felt better just in time for my birthday! Like yesterday, I felt pretty consistently ok and almost had the feeling that maybe I do know myself, maybe I can trust myself to know what I want. But today is my birthday, and I feel a bit worse than yesterday :( My gf took me on a surprise little sailboat tour, and it was so fun and I had a good time and I am so grateful, but I could feel that sense of uneasiness taking me out of the moment a bit. The worries about all of the things I have thought and doubted in the last few months, and even if everything gets better, I don't know how to deal with the fact that I got to the place where I was questioning the things I was questioning and doubting my relationship so much. Do I feel a bit worse because it's my birthday and there is some "pressure" to be present and have a good day? Just wanted to know if anyone else could relate. I really want to be able to just let go and enjoy the rest of my bday with my gf. She is so amazing, and she's taking me to a surprise dinner and I really just want to fully be in the moment, no matter what! Once again, I doubt my OCD diagnosis especially since my decade relationship has been through so much shit due to me being a bad person and very dependent. I am trying to learn how to love my girlfriend more healthily and selflessly, and the change/growth can be a bit destabalizing. So I'm sorry if I shouldn't post about ROCD stuff if I'm not 100% on a diagnosis, I just relate a lot to the community

I always ask questions a lot because I don't have a therapist. I can never find one. Even with a psychiatrist I'm on medication finally after years of complicating if I'm gonna ruin my body for this would even after I prescribe the meds She said she couldn't help me anymore. She wishes the best for me. This happened yesterday again with another therapist she left me. This is nothing new to me at first honestly I borrowed this app because I'm like what's wrong with me. But this is just a repeating subject for me, unfortunately that I'm trying to understand that ocd is very hard to work with because I have the most irrational thoughts, and I cannot even get a psychiatrist or therapist on here because they don't accept my insurance sadly. i'm in PA.. I'm wondering if this happened to anybody else with ocd or is it just me? I have the dwelling fear of pregnant pregnancy (i'm a lesbian dating a girl) but the fear of sperm that it's everywhere at the consciously wash my hand, totally bleed. I cannot put on my underwear correctly because if my foot touches my underwear I will freak out. Have to wash my hands constantly for this could go on for two hours if not more I can't do shared toilets with men, can't touch stuff they touch, I put lotion on my hands, cause my brain will convince me it's sperm my dog has peed on the floor before causing me to have to wash my feet constantly before you even try to put on a pair of underwear and if my foot even touches a little bit of my underwear, I have to throw them off and put a new ones on this repeat even if it doesn't touch me in my brain will convince me that my foot they touch my underwear, causing stress and panic panic attacks I haven't found anybody else who has this ocd fear, and ritual that I have and it makes me wonder and fear even without finding somebody else who does have this weird ritual I'm getting pregnant for these reasons even if my dogs are male, makes me have the ridiculous fear this would only happen to me and nobody else on earth. Hopefully this makes sense because it's really hard to put it into words without sending ridiculous and even saying out loud is really rough for me I know ocd isn't supposed to make sense but hearing from a therapist that I don't have ocd and making fun of you for not knowing the basic ways I'm getting pregnant she made it seem is really rough for me. It makes me feel that it will only happen to me. How do I cope with this? How can I somehow get a rational way of thinking because it's there I know that the only way I'm getting pregnant is through sex but my brain convinces me that I'm different and it will happen to me doing the most stupidest stuff like one of them my foot touching my underwear after wearing outside shoes in the house and touching the floors my foot touched the floors, trying to change my underwear will cause pregnancy I feel alone and crazy

I may be trying to reassurance seek here but i want to know, can you wake up, have thoughts and be quietly bothered by them. Also its not just thoughts but like a feeling of wrongness that maybe could have influenced the thoughts or vica versa. You dont get panicked or super anxious over them but you know its there, and when you try to go about your day it doesn’t really go away, like you dont really feel like yourself because you know what its felt like to have times of calmness and no intrusive thoughts but when it comes on in a quiet more bothering way it feels in a way MORE scary because your like, “well maybe this isnt ocd” sort of thing. But i dont feel like i NEED to do compulsions but at the same time also i want to (maybe thats because my brain is getting stronger and im able to not let it ruin my day) I struggle with rocd mainly and i know when i fully come out of this way of thinking, im ok and i can feel everything in the way i WANT to. But this can feel in a way MORE convincing than rather if its super loud and in my face. Does anyone else get this? Is this something i need to be worried about?

Ive actually been surprisingly doing well the last couple of days ish, i haven’t been ruminating as much and i feel like Ive been able to focus on the real important things rather than whats going on in my head, but i have noticed a pattern where once i feel good i feel like i notice it more usually after a couple of days of feeling good. Then ill start to get worried or my brain will start jumping to conclusions like ‘you don’t actually like him’ or ‘you don’t want to be with him’ almost like when i feel normal i’ll have some sort of ‘realisation’ and truthfully i don’t like that. If what my head was telling me was true wouldn’t the most obvious time to be thinking or being aware of that would be the first few days i felt didnt have intrusive thoughts much? It could also be to do with the fact that after a couple of days of feeling good i stop feeling the effects of feeling good and things start to feel more normal or chill. Like the feelings aren’t heightened anymore for that time. Not good or bad just mediocre, maybe my brain uses that as fuel that like ‘this is when you realise you don’t like him’ sort of thing. It also almost makes me believe it?? I don’t like it but i have experienced this before and it caused me to go into an anxiety attack. What does this mean?? Does anyone else relate?? I hope im not alone on this and that it’s normal. It’s almost like if i never have intrusive thoughts again what if it’s not a good thing??

today has been up and down emotionally and ive been stuck thinking about my real events again, and im trying really hard to not confess to my girlfriend because i have a bad feeling what actually happened is getting muddy with false memories. any advice on what to do instead??? i can feel myself wanting reassurance and its getting hard to not start confessing or bringing up the moral topic related to my real event that stresses me to test my girlfriends opinion and get indirect reassurance that way

Does anyone else feel like they have a hard time connecting with people and making friends? I feel like most people have bad intentions off the bat and are only wanting negativity towards me. I also feel like I can’t connect with people or really know the proper way of interacting with them.

ive noticed lately that social media, especially instagram, has been really triggering my anxiety lately. it just feels like an overwhelming amount of information to take in and ive been catching myself using informational posts on social issues as a way to do mental compulsions regarding my morality. i feel a little guilty needing to skip those posts because i do personally really value social justice and political activism - its just so much. im trying to find alternatives to just doomscrolling on social media seeing bad things happening as a way to stay politically informed and active.

I started Prozac about 2 months ago because I have been going through absolute hell since January. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2023, but I feel like I pushed for the diagnosis because of my shame and self hatred about a bunch of real events that were actually terrible. I have been obsessing over my relationship since January, and I've been in therapy twice weekly. My therapist thinks it's likely I Have OCD, and she has diagnosed me with BPD. Over the months, my obsessions have gone from real terrible thoughts and events regarding my relationship from the past, fear that I don't actually know how to love, worry that I'm with my girlfriend out of dependence/familiarity, and feeling very disconnected. There are so many more things I can't even begin to mention here. After I started 20 mg of Prozac, I was feeling slightly hopeful on occasion. Then I upped it to 40mg, and I'm still thinking of nothing but my relationship all day, vut I feel like the meds have dulled both my anxious feelings and my loving feelings. So it's making all of the thoughts feel almost worse than when I was constantly sick to my stomach with anxiety. I feel fake all the time. I can't stop thinking about if this is really what I want, how I don't know how I'm going to come back from all the fucked up things I've thought this year. I don't know how to prove to myself that it's not "just" dependency and familiarity, because I have always been very dependent on her and I'm trying to fix that. I'm obsessed with the idea that I'm lying to myself and I'm in denial about not actually wanting my relationship. I hate it. I have been with my gf for a decade. She is the person I'm closest to, my best friend. I have put her through so much shit with my BPD and other mental health issues. I don't want a future without her. But what if I'm just lying to myself? We've been together since we were teenagers. I have had doubts before, but I pushed through them. No I worry that those doubts were actually my subconscious telling me something, and that I'm ignoring the inevitable by doubling down that I want to be with her when I feel so numb and unsure. I know I want to want her, and my therapist seems to think that if I want to want her this badly, that shows that I do want her. I'm so tired of feeling so fake, disconnected, numb, and sad. I miss how I used to feel. I miss the certainty. I'm so tired and I don't know how this is going to end well when I have been stuck for so long. Does anyone have any advice, specifically around the tipics of denial/lying to yourself/worrying about the subconscious? I'm scared that even if everything gets better, I will always know that I spent months and months doubting everything, that I had thoughts of life without my girlfriend. I hate it here.

CW: Mention of Kink I just got back from a week long vacation with no internet. I don't really know how I feel about the trip yet, as I was dealing with intrusive thoughts the entire time, but the physical things I did on the trip were fun. I did experience a slip-up, and had some very distressing urges come about due to constant triggers, but I think I handled it okay. Probably... Regardless, now that I'm back, I feel like I have changed somewhat, and my physical and mental responses have become much less intense. But, as I enter this new mental phase, I can't help but wonder what life will be like if I have to worry about if I'll ever experience an intense mental storm like this again. In the recent past, I was a part of a kink sub-community that I have recently realized that it was wrong to be a part of. Now that I'm changing and trying to make it to where I only want to indulge in the ethical parts of that kink community, it makes me question if that's even possible. The community has blurred the lines of what's okay, and there are only a handful left who have been vocal about their intolerance of the problematic part of it, which makes it difficult to enjoy when the part of the community that wants to remain on the safe and ethical feels like the smaller portion now. And even if I stay in that safe part of that space, I have to make sure what I'm enjoying never crosses a problematic mental boundary, otherwise it's all for nothing. On top of that, I can't erase my past and just pretend I was never part of the problem, because I was. I felt pressured because all my at-the-time friends were just okay with it so I tried to be to, and I thought I was up until when the spiral kicked in and opened my eyes to my wrongdoing. Now I have that mistake etched into my history forever, and I don't know how to forgive myself for it when I know a lot of others won't if they ever found out that used to be me. Hell, I can't say it isn't part of me now because it feels like part of my brain wants to go back still. I'm not sure if that's my ocd or some twisted nostalgia, but either way, my emotions feel very fickle about the topic and I can only trust my values right now. The point of this post being, how do I go on when it feels like I don't have a place in the world because of what I've done and what I am? How do I move on and not want to look back?

i was told somatic excersise are better for ocd than medications (luvox) could this be true????? this was told to me by a therapist who does both but specializes in somatic exercise.. idk what to do now i have false memory and contamination ocd

Hi everyone. Something I have been experiencing recently is post graduation anxiety and depression. I feel isolated and have been trying to find a full time job, but it’s really difficult in this current market. Also, I have worked an amazing job for over three years now, but it only gives me 10-15 hours a week, and it’s not enough to make ends meet. I love the people there, but it also is a bit of an isolating position because it is hybrid/remote, and I only get to go out into the community once a week IF that. Most of the work is virtual. I’m really struggling right now with just having graduated and having a lot of big changes in my life. I love my partner, but they can’t really relate to me in this way, and they are the person I am around the most. Not only that, but our relationship is in a transition stage as well with us being unsure of what we want for the future as individuals as well as a couple. I am struggling with wanting to practice my individuality versus being in a relationship with my partner, and I think I just need space and time to figure out what I want. I’m scared that means my partner and I won’t work out romantically, but I know I always want them in my life regardless. I have a lot of “what-ifs” about our relationship including things like “what if your partner isn’t the one for you because of (insert literally anything),” and it can be really small stuff like because they don’t like to read books or bigger stuff like them not taking care of their physical and mental health all the time by going to preventative doctors appointments and such. I am worried that this is more my OCD taking over than actual issues, but at the same time, I know the lack of taking care of their physical and mental health has impacted me and made me feel trapped in a caregiver position. I also feel like because I was in school and working at the same time, I didn’t have much energy at the end of the day for my friendships. I poured a lot of my energy into my family and partner, and I want to rebuild my friendships again. It just feels really daunting and overwhelming because I feel that my partner takes up a significant amount of my time. I feel like I don’t often get to dictate what I do on a day to day basis, and I want to have that freedom to choose. I don’t want to have my day-to-day dictated by another person, but I don’t know if this means I should be single or if more independence is something I can achieve within our relationship still. I am scared and worried that my longing for more autonomy will end our relationship. My partner is loving and accepting of me going out and doing my own thing, but I always feel a sense of guilt and obligation to them that I often neglect my social life for them. They are a needy person, so even if they don’t directly tell me not to do something, their need for me and my presence or support feels hard to not prioritize even when I want to prioritize other parts of my life. There is just so much change and uncertainty in my life right now from what job I will have to my partnership to where I am going to live and how I want to live my life moving forward. It’s scary, and I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do and what is the best path to take, but I know I just have to follow my heart. If anyone can relate to any of the things I am feeling, please reach out. I could really use a friend right now.

So I really don’t know what to do about this. So I’m just writing it down. I in the past, like a year ago used AI for reassurance seeking. And I went through the whole hell of realizing AI is not the place to discuss undiagnosed mental health issues (ocd, but I didn’t know that at the time until I realized and freaked out), realizing I had given an AI very VERY personal conversations for the sake of reassurance which is. Not great. But all that aside even though I’m currently not seeing a therapist, when I was I had worked through the issue enough that any time I feel the urge of reassurance seeking I know it’s time to put the things that tempt me (like texting my friend or ai or anything else on my phone for reassurance) away and just sit and exist with it. Which is fine. I’m actually very proud to say I have not used AI for reassurance seeking in a year. Which is a very big thing for me. However, I had still until recently used ai. And ironically enough me and my therapist I had before actually encouraged me to use ai to do roleplay. Literal. Fantasy. Whatever I want roleplay. And given my themes of ocd it was the most sfw roleplay ever. And i remember i would shake so hard while doing this roleplay lol because even though nothing was wrong with the roleplay my theme of ocd was relentless. But eventually i got through it and i actually really started enjoying the storyline in the roleplay. Here’s where my brain and my ocd both tag team to hate me. O-O I, despite me enjoying roleplay, have had no luck maintaining long term roleplays with people, I have tried everything lol. Roleplays that didn’t continue. DnD groups that always stopped cause everyone got busy halfway through. And so the ai roleplay was a really fun experience for me. Because I actually got to use some creativity to create the roleplay. Problem is. I write. As a hobby. And no I don’t mean I use ai to write. I mean notebook and pen and the frustrated scribbling of a piece of writing sounding weird when I reread it and deciding I hate it actually. I love writing. I do write. And I, personally, don’t think it’s writing if you have an ai write everything for you. But I also know I do art. As a hobby. Because it’s unbelievably fun (currently volunteering at an art gallery which has been so fun getting to do art with people and talking about different art exhibits and local artists to visit) So my brain and my ocd both tag team me so I hate myself Because I have used ai to roleplay. Because I would like to continue to roleplay. Because the art and creative and writing community are very against it. Because ocd communities are very against it. And I don’t know what to do. Because. Morals Orz Because how can I support writers and artists, when I myself am a writer and an artist (in the hobby sense) while actively using ai. For roleplay. For the art aspect of ai. I hate image generation anything in general, so I have never used it. I get nothing out of using it. I have only ever used ai for like text-based roleplay. Which isn’t any better because the writing community also doesn’t really agree with using ai for roleplay either. So the concern on the ocd end of this is: - the morality of my private ai usage given I am a creative - and everyone who has ocd and has ever been on the internets favourite: digital footprints I hate the digital footprint anxiety with a passion. Predominantly because I am a young adult (I don’t want to give my exact age cause…safety lol). And even though my roleplays (different ones from what I did in therapy obviously lol) are usually very more into the story focused. I have had a couple of nsfw scenes in the roleplays. And I have had nsfw roleplays period. And even if I ignored that (which we all know here I can not) there’s the digital footprints of I have used ai. For fun sure but still in a creative sense and what if people find out and what if that ruins my life and also how nsfw were the chats, what dynamics did I explore and will that ruin my life if people discover that, can I publish my own writing without getting cancelled or people finding out, or what if I date or get married in the future and I still enjoy roleplay, I know I’d have a conversation with my partner and would do what’s best for me and the partner but it still ruined the relationship, and all of those fun thoughts.🫩 The thing is I don’t know how much of the issue is ocd vs just in general guilt. Like it’s definitely become a guilty thing I do. I really don’t know if I’m making sense or if I’m just severely overthinking this. And I even less don’t know what to do. Because my hobbies are still there, like I was still actively doing them and getting my degree and working a job and going to therapy even though it’s unfortunately not ocd focused currently (cause I can’t afford it unfortunately and the therapy I’m doing is pretty cheap). By ai ruining the persons life standards I was thinking I was….doing okay?????? For now. I’ve deleted the roleplays and the ai account. And I…..I’m just going to sit with my thoughts. Sorry if everything I wrote sounded scrambled or didn’t make sense. Ummm if you read this, thank you (>OuO)>🌻

Hello, guys! I absolutely love poetry. If anyone wants to share their poetry here, please feel free to do so, I would love reading it! It can be ocd related or something else entirely! TW for the poem (I didn’t want to put a tw for the whole post bc it’s just the poem that may be triggering) 23 hours Of nails engrossed in mud That which is infused with feces And upon digesting mud One believes they mend it of its illness The dust causes them to choke 364 days Of drinking lead Begging their acid to rework it to gold 99 years Of collecting my blood Gulping it back into a body Returning it to some form Sand is sand Sugar is sugar Mixed, consumed, set alight, ground Alchemists burn away time Attempting to alter the fabric by which we live The only transformation they induce Is themselves to ash Lead is lead Gold is gold Water is water Lead is not wine My originals burn away their moments Trying to alter my fabric They are alchemist And they sicken themselves with my blood Maybe on the last hour, last day, last year, They may vomit back the lead Or die trying