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For those who have tried and benefited from SSRI’s, which one did you take and what did you notice changed after starting it?

I would like to hear someone who's struggled with obsessing over rabies and how you managed to help with the fear. For context I'm from the UK and we are fortunate enough to not have classical rabies but there are bats with lyssavirus. Bats will be waking up from hibernation soon and I'm struggling more than normal to go outside. Today I was walking with my partner and I felt a drop of something on my forehead, it wasn't raining and I don't know where it came from. Naturally, I felt scared because of the uncertainty of not knowing. So here I am, hours later, still worried about it. Despite the infinitesimally small chance that this liquid drop was A) from a bat and B) from a bat with rabies. I'm trying to push myself to go outside while it's dark but, my partner had seen bats nearby last summer, so I worry a lot about going outside at night.

I have had a few situations where I misread someone’s hesitancy during intimacy and now that im rethinking every moment I wonder if the person felt pressured. I always give people a verbal out to something, like “listen, we do NOT have to do this at all if you do not want to” and even asking are you sure? Because of my anxiety. But I do wonder and worry if I accidentally pressured someone without meaning to. Like one time me and my ex were gonna try something knew and he was being weird about it so I kinda got frustrated like listen we do not have to do this so do not attempt to do something u do not wanna do. It’ll just make things weird for the both of us. He ended up telling me to do it and still kinda made it weird so I got frustrated and stopped because I don’t like being in situations like that. Afterwards I asked if he felt pressured and he said he felt only a little pressure because he wanted to do it because I wanted to do it. Which is like?????) now I just feel weird. This happened months ago but I woke up with extreme anxiety this morning

We’re supposed to accept the intrusive thoughts and carry on regardless without doing anything to reassure ourselves but how do you deal with the feeling that you’re in denial, burying your head in the sand when you don’t do the compulsion ? This is what I struggle with most.

I’m worried my partner is giving me too much credit when I don’t deserve it. Bc he probably is overshooting what ROCD is. If that makes sense. I feel like I should tell him it’s actually real stuff I just get stuck on or something along those lines. What should I do. I don’t wanna bring it up anymore. I just worry about all this little stuff.

i’ve been kicked off reddit so i can’t reassurance seek and i’m feeling so lost. i want to share my story and i hope some trans people could tell me what it sounds like. i’m currently struggling with trans ocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did. now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender.ee i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire??? i was on fluoxetine to help the anxiety and it did help! but i had horrible side effects such as nausea and food aversion. i got off of it and the symptoms came back. this triggered a new theme, surrounding health. but now that i feel better i can feel tocd coming back. why when i think of being trans i have a weird feeling or urge of excitement? i thought this was because i weirdly enough enjoy big changes like moving schools, but that doesn’t explain why. it’s like i’m no longer happy with the reassurance i get like being told “youre still a girl”. why is this. this just makes me so sad. i was looking at old pictures of me when i was little. pictures like me dressing up as princesses and wearing dresses. i felt so happy seeing them. it provided me with immense comfort. i know that should be proof hat i’m not trans but my mind is saying i’m in denial. :( i also see trans people online especially trans men and some of them are very attractive. it scares me like what if i want to be that and i don’t actually find them attractive? here are some intrusive thoughts i’ve had the past months. - what if i’ve been lying to myself my whole life? - what if i’m trans? - what if i’m in denial? - what if everyone leaves me? - what if i find out later and everyone leaves me? - what if i’m secretly trans? - what if i’m trans without euphoria or dysphoria? - what if because i would try and act like boys in kindergarten to impress boys means i’m a boy? - what if my life is a lie? - what if i’ve been repressing my whole life? i need some help. anything.

Hi everyone. I’m new here and joining because my life has been shattered by grief and OCD, and I’m really not in a good place. I’ve lived with OCD for a long time without ever having a formal diagnosis or treatment. For most of my life it came in waves and I was still able to function well. I had a career I loved, wonderful friends, and I cared deeply for my family. From the outside things looked normal. I never imagined it could collide with something real in such a catastrophic way. My elderly dad developed a blood cancer that affects the bones and plasma, and I became very involved in his care because I loved him more than anything. Early on a medication was discussed after diagnosis, but I became extremely frightened of the side effects listed. My OCD latched onto that fear and I hesitated for months. Eventually the doctor agreed to a watch-and-wait approach after I asked if that was appropriate. The language in appointments was often vague and the word “stable” was used a lot, which reassured the part of my mind that wanted to believe things were okay for the moment. Looking back now, I can see how much my OCD and fear were influencing my thinking, but at the time I lacked the insight to recognise it. My dad eventually passed away, and since then my mind has been trapped in relentless guilt and “what if” loops. I replay decisions constantly and feel like my untreated OCD collided with his illness in the worst possible way. After he passed, I learned much more about the disease, prognosis, treatment etc and that even in the elderly some people can live for years with treatment, which has made the guilt even harder to carry. People tell me to give myself grace and that I made decisions with the information I had at the time and with good intentions. Right now that feels incredibly difficult because I realise it was my brain hijacked. If I struggled with OCD before, I feel much more severely unwell now that it is layered with PTSD and trauma. Losing him is devastating, and the guilt and regret layered on top of that has been overwhelming. I’m sharing this because I’m trying to understand how OCD can attach itself to grief, caregiving, and medical decisions. Has anyone here experienced something similar? I’m sorry if this post is triggering for anyone. I’m just trying to make sense of something that feels impossible to carry alone. It really feels like the most horrific example of OCD.

I’m not sure if it’s an AuDHD thing or an OCD thing (or likely a combination of the two), but it is SO difficult for me to adjust to the slightest change in my plans for my day. For example, if I ask my boyfriend to hang out and he agrees (or even if he just says maybe), and then says he can’t later on, I get really frustrated and I feel really irritated. It sometimes makes me think he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to make time to see me. I know that isn’t the case and that he’s genuinely just busy or doesn’t feel up to hanging out, but I just get so locked on trying to find a solution. If I can’t, I just get irritated. I have to alter the order of what I plan to do during my day, and that really irritates me. I like to have somewhat of a rough idea of what every day will look like. It’s hard for me to let go of control. I’m really trying to get better about it because it isn’t fair to my boyfriend, but it’s really hard to recognize that I’m overreacting in the moment. Has anyone else been through something similar or have any advice?

Still struggling to sit with uncertainty for this specific one. The deeper I dig, the more dots connect, and the more likely it is that this whole thing could “allegedly” be true. The thing in question is Disney potentially being involved in CIA mind control programs perpetuated by a child trafficking satanic cult of Illuminati bloodlines. After finding multiple alleged victims corroborating the same scenarios happening to them, and some vague snippets in the Epstein Files, I feel like this whole thing is gonna be very hard for me to shake off as fake in my eyes. If so my heart of course goes out to these victims regardless. It just sucks for me if it is because, while I hate Disney as a company, I’ve grown up enjoying a lot of Disney movies and shows, and am a huge fan of Marvel. This has also spiked my OCD regarding religion, because if this is true, then Christianity must be true and magic is real and evil, which also sucks since I’ve had sort of a fascination with magical and astral stuff. All of these factors have culminated into triggers and fears regarding the Illuminati’s existence. There are some that bring up some homophobic claims here and there, but sometimes I think to myself “What if this is true because of everything being shared? What does that mean for actual gay people or my moral compass”? All this conspiracy stuff really messes with what’s authentic and what’s not. Everything feels like a trigger, making links with one another and leading me back to the beginning of the stress source, making the urge to research and dig deeper stronger and stronger. It just feels like Sisyphus and the stone, constantly searching for clarity only for it to reset, and now I feel like I’ve learned enough too much. Honestly wish I could unlearn this. This has just been freaking me out for the past week. If there’s anybody else who knows about this particular rabbit hole, let me know.

I wish I could put a better title on there, but I'm gonna be talking about so many different things that I wouldn't be able to make a title for it. I'm 20 years old. Supposed to be incredibly young but I don't feel young at all. All these years of stress and anxiety make me feel like I'm 30 already. I've basically been hiding from the world for the last 3 years. It started as just a general fear of adult life, to now not even trusting myself enough to leave my own home in fears I'll do something wrong. I suffer from so many OCD themes. (assuming I HAVE OCD, I'm not actually diagnosed.) Including the ones that tag this post, as well as others. It doesn't feel like there's anything that won't trigger me anymore. I want to own up to it now, I've done some awful stuff in my life. Was it when I was much younger and ignorant to how awful my actions really were? Sure. But I personally believe I was old enough to where I should have known better. These things have haunted me through many of my themes. Real Event won't let me forget, False Memories make it more difficult to discern what exactly happened, POCD from a handful of things I did/almost did that I really don't want to talk about. I've compulsively talked about my early years online, including some of the things that trigger my POCD, and while I've had a ton of people tell me I'm not worth anything and don't deserve happiness, I've had double as many people tell me that I do deserve to heal and move on. But that's not all that I worry and obsess over. Because of course it couldn't just end there. I specifically ruminate a lot about how I've treated my friend over the last couple years. She's become one of the bestest friends I've ever had, and I'm constantly ruminating about behaviors that are toxic/creepy. I've been posting confessions about this online as well, and almost everybody had the same opinion of "You're a bit of a weirdo, sure, but you're also creating a problem that isn't there.". It's like, while I see myself as just pure evil and have only ever done wrong, other people just... Don't think so? For some reason? I don't really talk about my POCD online anymore, other than here. The few things I talked about were usually with minimal details. People online really don't get it and will usually just tell me to kill myself. I struggle with false memories with POCD, usually twisting memories that do exist into something worse, as well as Real Events that I don't know my intentions for. Of course I also struggle with the regular intrusive thoughts, false attraction, pretty much everything possible. Combine everything together, and it's like... I don't know who I am. My whole life feels like a lie, if that makes sense. I feel like I'm standing on the line between an irredeemable monster, and someone who is just overreacting about everything. The only thing I know are my values at this current moment. I don't want to hurt people, that's half the reason why I'm still isolating myself. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong that I simply opt out of life altogether. But the thing that tears me up is that just because that's who I am right now doesn't mean it's always been that way. I could've wanted to cause harm, I could've wanted to take advantage. I just want a moment of peace, honestly. Regardless of whether or not I deserve better for myself, I stopped WANTING better for myself a while ago. I just want to be calm. I'm sorry this was so long, if you actually read this, I really appreciate it.

First question, does anyone have OCD and BPD? How did you go about getting diagnosed and what were the signs you were dealing with both? I feel as though there be something else going on but I’m not sure and I don’t know how to address this as I’ve never been flagged and I have no therapist nor psychiatrist. I’ve been briefly screened a couple times and diagnosed with OCD, GAD, and MDD, so I’m medicated (which I’ve been off for months so currently not medicated) through the PCP (as in they manage treatment but can’t do much beyond prescriptions) but I feel like I might have something else. You may be wondering what this has to do with relationships. Well I feel like I’ve developed a strange attachment to a new friend and so I’ve distanced myself for both of our sake but my mind keeps going back to them. I think of them constantly and see that their presence in my life has impact my behavior, like style of speaking and interests, like I need to adopt their personality to be liked by them because I like them. It’s also a strange predicament for various reasons but I’m scared to lose this person. I don’t know what to do or how to explain it. I am for a lack of better words “obsessed” with them, ruminating over our every interaction and what I said or did and how they reacted and whether they still like me. I will ignore them for days, not because I don’t want to talk because I really want to, but once I start I can’t stop, I need to detach before it escalates and I can’t go back. But when I see their notification despite my absence, it’s like everything lights up and my mood is dependent on whether they acknowledge me or not. It’s not healthy. There’s more to it… so much more… but I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell if I’m mirroring them or not, I feel like I’m losing myself. It’s almost that question of “do you want to be them or be with them” and I think it’s a mix of jealousy, admiration, insecurity, and honestly feelings that are more than platonic and I need to get out of it now. I can’t afford to love them but I also can’t lose them, they suddenly feel very important and this is all so unfair to them but I can’t explain what’s in my head or it’ll drive them away I fear. How to stop obsessing over someone and establish a healthy relationship?

When i was 15, I remember speaking to this 23 year old girl online and we texted everyday and ended up meeting up. The first time we met up we sat together at a bench and went on a walk and even hugged and took photos of each other. Then we met for the second time and this time we agreed that I would go to her house and I did. We sat down together and watched a sort of romantic drama movie and we cried and hugged alot. Even after the movie finished I still hugged her and cried because I told her what I was going through at the time, we even held each other for a few minutes not letting go. I really can't remember how long I was at her house but it was a few hours, she even took a photo of me and said that she wanted to keep this as a gift from me or something, then when i went home i messaged her and admitted that i wanted to kiss her and she said that she also wanted to kiss me, specifically kiss my eyes. Now the part that makes me feel horrible is when I was going home, I hugged her and I feel like my intent might have been to feel her body on mine, im so scared because I think that was the intent, but only during that last hug or other ones I can't remember. Also I have false memories like that I secretly touched myself there but I think its false but I just dont know.

Hi, I’m trying my best not to spiral so I’m going to try and be minimal as possible but please know as I’m typing this, my whole body feels weird, my chest aches and my stomach is “crunching” and twisting and turning and it won’t stop and I “FEEL” like in my head / deep down that I know these memories are real and I’m just trying to deny them / play them off as false memories when in actuality I know they’re real - that’s what my brain is telling me as I type this. Essentially, I started having these fears / worries around 8/9 years ago - I can’t remember what they started off with exactly because I feel like I’ve always had them, but anyway the alleged false memories would’ve taken place around 10 years ago and I remember first worrying about them (although the capacity I’m not sure or what the worries looked like exactly) 8.5/9 years ago. What I mean by this, is to me when I picture these false memories they look a certain way and I feel like they always did look this way but I think that’s my mind playing tricks on me. Anyway, I have 3-4 “memories” all surrounding the same person, my old friend from when I was a child/teen. In the memories, I am performing sexually inappropriate acts to her and on her without her consent, and the images are so real and feel very real - I am picturing them right now and I can’t see how they’re anything other than actual recollections. They feel just the same as when I picture my first kiss with my girlfriend. There’s no before the images, there’s no “after” the images, there’s just the image which plays like a movie for 2-3 seconds and I am terrified of them being real and as I type this I feel like I’m lying to you all and that I actually know they’re real when I do not. I swear I do not. I look at photos of myself from this time period, I remember certain things about how I was as a person at this time and I can’t imagine myself doing these acts to her - not only that, but why would I be so worried about these acts now but not then, because back then I worried about literally everything. I remember at this time in my life I had a journal, and I journaled every little worry and fear I had and at this was never on there, which I feel like if it happened would’ve been because I’d have been worried about it, no? What concerns me is when I see other’s post about false memories, their experience (at least from the posts I can find) are one and done isolated “events” usually not that detailed, mine are all involving the same person and there’s 3-4 of them which I’m worried make them more likely to be true because why would their be so many of the same person if they weren’t? Why does everyone else’s seem to fixate on one and done events but mine is the same person several times? :( I have never once seen anyone else detail sexual false memories (several) where they’re performing inappropriate acts on the same individual which is what is making me worry they’re real - that is why I am here, has anyone else experienced this (please say yes so I can believe these really are false memories and not real) I am so terrified of these memories being real, they can’t be. I really don’t want to live a life where I’m someone who’s done this to her, I really don’t. I’ve been absolutely terrified of going out into my hometown in case I bump into her and I imagine her confronting me about the memories, thus confirming they’re real, have occurred and have happened. Although, a year ago, I was heading into a cafe and I saw her from a far and I tapped her on the shoulder and when I did she turned around and seemed happy to see me. She then asked me to grab a coffee with her but I refused - then, she grabbed me and hugged me and said “it’s been so long, missed you” and said goodbye. Since then, I’ve been no where near that Cafe and I’m scared to. I told my girlfriend and she was like “well these memories are clearly false then because if you did sexual things to her she definitely wouldn’t have responded to you like that” but I still can’t believe it. It’s been like this for pretty much a year, I wake up and worry about it, sleep is the only time I do not think about it. I’ve been recently walking around my apartment saying “I swear on my families lives and my pets lives that I don’t know whether I’ve done anything sexual to her or with her” and every time I do my stomach turns and twists and my eyes blink and flicker and I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel like a genuine sentence, it feels like a lie. I keep saying it over and over and it feels like it’s just a lie I don’t actually believe but rather just trying to convince myself of. You know when someone cooks something bad and they ask you if you like it so you say yeah to keep them happy but uou know yourself you’re lying? That’s exactly how it feels. Like I’m just trying to convince myself of a lie when deep down I know the truth - does anyone else get this?? I swear I am not lying or in denial when I say I don’t know whether I’ve done anything to her or with her but even as I type this my brain says I’m lying and that I know they’re real memories. I can’t even cry anymore. It’s driving me insane I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m the only one in the world. I haven’t done anything sexual to her or with her, I’d know surely? But as I say that my anxiety intensified, stomach drops and twists and my brain goes “well you do know you just don’t like the answer” I’m lost - please tell me other people get this lying dynamic and false memories (sexually) about the same people / persons. Please don’t just be me. These memories cannot be real.

Hello! I’m new here and wanted to take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Allison, I’m a wife and a mother. I have to admit I’m wrestling right now with a bit of imposter syndrome. I knew immediately when I found NOCD that I had found (probably) the answer to many of the struggles I’ve experienced over the last 20 years. However, while I’m waiting in the space between the intake call and my first appointment, I find myself now doubting all the experiences, thoughts, and feelings that led me here in the first place. Without an official diagnosis yet my mind is swirling with “what ifs” and my anxiety has been higher than usual. I think I’m 50% scared of what having OCD would mean for me and 50% scared I’ve imagined/made up everything I’ve experienced and there’s no help for me. Reading through the posts on here has really helped a lot and I appreciate how kind and candid everyone is. All that to say I’m at the very beginning of my journey and I’m looking forward to connecting with and learning from those who have gone before me.

I work an office job, and I'm really struggling to be in the physical office on non-hybrid days. I'm fine when I'm at home, but when I'm in office, I have these off-the-ear headphones? It's so that people don't startle me when they walk up behind me and need my attention, so I can still hear, but then I /hear/ everyone. And I can't /not/ have my music because either then I'm bored, or I can hear them and can't focus on work, or I can only just barely hear them and just make up what they're saying. I can't turn /other people/ off and my brain keeps telling me how they're talking about me, or they're laughing at me, or they know I'm doing something awful that I don't realize I'm even doing. I'm doing something wrong and they're going to tell someone and I'm going to get fired and walked out of the building even though my fiance is literally sitting right next to me and neither of us are in trouble. I just end up so exhausted and anxious every time I'm in here, it's so hard to force myself. This is the first day I've actually even made it, and I'm chest-tight and tummy-flipping anxious listening to everyone around me instead of paying attention to my work or anything. sorry, I probably shouldn't bother anyone with this stuff. It's not helpful and everyone here has their own issues they're dealing with.

I simply cannot stop ruminating and hating myself viscerally. POCD mixed with Real Events and False Memories is just so fucking horrific. Trying to figure out if memories from when I was younger are actually how I remember them, trying to figure out which feelings are real and which are not, trying to figure out my intentions at a particular time, trying to figure out if I knew something was bad at a particular point in time or not. Literally the only thing I know at the moment are my values, I don't want to harm children. And even then my brain keeps trying to convince me that I'm lying when I'm saying that. But just because I don't want to right this second doesn't mean there wasn't a past version of myself that didn't. I've often had this feeling of looking at a stranger when looking at my past, what if I really did do some awful things to kids and I'm only just now on the morally correct side of the line? That thought scares me so much.

I’ve been waking up with huge amounts of anxiety that I’ve called off work. It’s so difficult to open ur eyes and as soon as u do that, feel all the tension. I don’t wanna keep taking my klonopin to feel better. I don’t know how to stop this crisis

About a year ago I babysat a kid and I had to bring him/ help him to the bathroom and then we went down stairs to the playroom and played with cars and stickers. He dropped a sticker so I picked the sticker up but my head went down to grab it near that area and instantly I got a thought in my head like what if I just did something bad in the bathroom upstairs and I don't remember it.. Of course I would remeber something like that happening but POCD can make it seem so real... I feel like a terrible person and Ive been thinking about ways to forget it and it makes me want to rewind time to just make sure even though I know deep down nothing happend its just a scary thought I feel guilty for something I didn't even do. I love kids too Im a nanny so its my job, and I heard OCD can trigger the things you love the most. Anyone have any advice please to calm down this thought?

Adults only Adults only I can't tell if this is just OCD making this more guilt and shame inducing than it actually is but I feel horrible about it nonetheless. Something that I've used to do is watch pornography of real people outside of the industry as in celebrities through photoshops and fakes as a teenager. My compulsive use of porn has only been getting worse I think, even if I can spend some days not watching it like I am now. The biggest difference with back then and now is that there wasn't any ai generated content of things like this, which I'm glad there wasn't. During my latest relapses I've watched those same things again, only this time ai was included. Animations, drawings, and Photoshops of celebrities and other people were things I found and I feel really disgusting about this. I think it also really messed me up mentally because I think about it and feel like a evil person. All I ever feel is that porn has made me a very bad person. I've watched very taboo things that are definitely not okay in reality and it really bothers me a lot. I can't seem to let go of this. I've brought it up to my therapist and I feel like they think I'm a sick disturbing person as well. This is just something I can't let go of: the fact that I objectified real people just for personal gain and fantasy use. The fact that this stuff is just online where anyone can see it really makes me sick. I never made anything out of this, only seen things. It just leaves me feeling really disgusting about everything. I pretty much hate pornography and I don't think it has any place in my life. Nor would I want it to.

Sorry I’ve been posting so much. I’m new to NOCD and this is the first time I’ve ever really been a part of something where I can relate so heavily to other people and finally express things I’ve been dealing with on my own for so long. I mentioned in my last post that I had a good day yesterday and then the anxiety came back. The anxiety was actually a bit better when I woke up earlier this morning and at first I thought maybe I just needed to sleep since I wrote the previous post late at night and hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before last, but it didn’t completely go away and the urge to seek reassurance is still here several hours later. I’m anxious of course, but also frustrated. I keep trying to tell myself that progress isn’t linear but it’s hard. Usually I am a patient person when it comes to other stuff that isn’t OCD related but I wish I could feel completely better right now. I also started taking Zoloft very recently and I know it takes a couple weeks to feel the full effects and while I’m extremely grateful to be able to take the medication I do also wish it didn’t take so long for the effects to really get going. Edit: I realized what I said about dealing with OCD on my own for so long and mentioning the Zoloft (which implies I am now getting help and not dealing with this on my own) kinda contradict each other. I finally decided to seek out help for my OCD and other mental health issues very recently, but for most of my life I had been dealing with them by myself.