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Sometimes I get this feeling & the feeling encompasses what it would feel like to like someone romantically I guess. I’m freaking out bc I love my partner. What’s wrong with me? I guess with ROCD feelings are not evidence. And I should move on?

Recently, ocd attached itself to my boundaries and preferences making me atuck in a cycle of “is this mine or iis it aomeone else’s boundary/preference because I do not want to disappoint them?” I came to final conclusion that hey this is both me and the external factor. So boundary/preference is mine (I talked with chat gbt about this to sort mt thoughts). And basically I tried imagining being with a man who is opposite of my preference and man…I couldn’t. It either went to consequences of someone not accepting (external factor) but I genuinely tried imagining myself with that kind of a man in a relationship without any consequences and I couldn’t. Like I just couldn’t. I tried but I couldn’t. I would either stop the imaginary story real quick or I would feel my body just reacting as a no. So it is a no. And that is how I came to conclusion that this is mine boundary/preference that comes from me not wanting and just agreeing to the external factors. I guess I am just trying to make sure that this makes sense why not. Also, I feel the best (like safest, most good) with setting this boundary/preference. Not setting it feels…no. Just no. I don’t feel good or safe with it (safe as in comfortable and good). Also, I compared it to other times when I wanted something but I was afraid of rejection too, I remember wanting it and clearly being scared of the rejection. In this case, this is not the same. And that is how I also realized further that hey, I do jot actually want this. Also, this was an ocd obsession. Helped me learn new vocabulary and learn something about boundaries and that they can be made of many factors. However, the boundary/preference stayed the same. I do not actually want this.

Crazy how 4 months ago I didn’t remember any of the memories I worry ab now (esp the one I posted ab a couple of days ago) and now it’s all I can think about. I feel like i’m just in some serious denial, there’s too much proof. That memory just makes it even worse. Ik it’s been gone for years but i just want my attraction/libido back. Like FULLY back. Prior to SOOCD I would literally foam at the mouth looking at boy bands Ik that has to mean something 😭. I found my boyfriend attractive before the numbness and ocd took over again. I’m just so tired. I hope the meds make things easier for me. I’m so worried that I’ll have to breakup with my bf if this continues. I was looking forward to this relationship but now I feel like a liar, esp bc of how ocd messed with me in the beginning of it. It makes me feel like I never truly liked him. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He deserves someone completely sure about who they are and their feelings/attraction for him. If it ends up getting to a point where I can’t get better, and I feel like I need to breakup with him, I’m afraid he won’t even want to be my friend afterwards. I really do cherish the friendship we have/had. He’s literally the only person who stuck by me. He would remember my birthday and bring me gifts even when we would rarely talk bc of school (mostly depression for me I’m bad at texting ppl). He would go out of his way to call me EVEN when I was mean to him for a while (not an excuse but I was v depressed and wanted to be left alone). Everything just haunts me now. What happened in that memory wasn’t normal for a straight girl😭but i know for a fact I never was attracted to my friend. She was my best friend at the time, and I knew her since elementary school, but I never felt those crush feelings for her. Like being with her in a romantic way or doing ANYTHING with her had never crossed my mind, even AFTER that whole tingly groinal response incident. I just remember being confused, uncomfortable, and scared because I literally felt nothing for her in that way. I don’t know if it was bc I was uncomfortable, focusing on the fact that she was sitting on my groin, had an image pop up in my head (cant rmbr exactly), felt pressure on my groin, if it was my undiagnosed OCD mind at work (i did had some weird random groinal responses w other things), or that I thought the position was sexual and was just stiff and weirded out, but I just want it to leave me alone 😭. When SOOCD was giving me a break I literally felt almost cured, I just needed my attraction and libido back. My boyfriend started waking it up again. But even then I was still numb and my compulsions/ocd was still clawing for control, making me feel nothing sometimes. Now that my attraction is numbed/dulled towards my bf I just feel frustrated. There’s times like today where I can feel it for like a couple seconds n my mind ks back in numb mode. He sent me pictures and I felt a dull “oh he’s cute” but it lasted for a minute bc I felt so aware (if that makes sense). Then I started to get thoughts about “forcing” those feelings. I just don’t know anymore. All ik is that my prozac BETTER work so I can have an easier time following through on my erp. I need a break…6 years and this shit is still not over.

I had a crush on this person for a while and we started seeing each other, and we had a good time he invited me to a hardcore concert and I told him that i have OCD (harm and POCD) and my thoughts are starting to target him which ruined it, and i explained to him everything and told him that i like him but i do need some time to myself to recover until we see each other again, they truly are the sweetest and most amazing person i’ve met, is this a wise a decision i just don’t want to hurt them, and i would like to spend more time together, but i feel like i don’t deserve such kindness because of my monstrous thoughts.

I feel like I’m disappointed or like I’m interested in going out and flirting or the crap I used to do when I was single. Like kissing or getting attention. How terrible. I love my partner so much. I would pray I would never do such a thing. And then also I just thought that my partner just looked ugly for a moment. I’m a terrible partner. (These are my typical ROCD themes)

I was prescribed prozac almost a month ago and haven’t taken it bc i’ve been scared. I don’t know the best way to describe it but taking medication gives me a contaminated/tainted feeling. It makes me feel like my body will never be the same and I always worry about if it will give me diseases in the future or bad side effects. But now i’ve decided to “rip the bandaid off” and take it in the morning. I was daydreaming in the shower about finally being happy, having success with ERP, enjoying my relationship, getting all my feelings back (ESP my attraction and libido), reconnecting with friends, mending my relationships with my siblings, and living the life I’ve always wanted. Of course immediately after I started to think of the worst outcomes and things going bad for me, but I’m just going to take the chance. I’m not feeling very optimistic bc usually things never go how I hope 😀. I also understand that it takes a while to find the right dose/meds or to feel the effects. But I really really REALLY hope this works out for me. If not i’ll be back here to complain ab it.

I just want to know if it gets better and how I can get it to get better. I’ve always struggled with OCD. I am in my very first healthy happy relationship and it was going so perfect. Then one day out of nowhere my ocd brain threw the thought “do you love your boyfriend” in my head. Ever since then, the last 3 weeks, I have been literally sick to my stomach with anxiety. I am having trouble getting out of bed and I am having anxiety attacks. I know I love my boyfriend and he is so supportive of my mental health journey, but it’s like I’ve been in this spiral of anxiety and intrusive thoughts every waking minute for the last few weeks that I don’t even know what’s intrusive thoughts or my real thoughts anymore. I know I love him it’s just the ocd thoughts have been so loud lately. When I’m with him I am totally fine, but the minute I am alone my head is spinning. Can somebody please tell me coping skills they used to get through this time and tell me how to get back to my old self. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Seeking help :(

I have been with my boyfriend for well over 3 years. I didn’t develop these unwanted thoughts until last December, so almost a year ago, and they have been plaguing me since. We have such an amazing relationship. We have the same values, he respects me, and I know I love him. The past few days have been extremely rough on me. I have felt completely disconnected and almost numb. I say almost because sometimes when we’re eating and I lose track for a minute, I feel happy. But then, my mind says that I’m just faking my emotions. Anyways, i was confessing to my boyfriend today about my current struggles and he asked me out loud “do you love me?” I said yes and then he asked “do you want to break up with me” because I had told him that was one of my thoughts. I said no, but ever since then I feel extremely guilty because I’m scared if it was a lie. I feel so guilty for not knowing whether or not I want to stay. I had an immense break-up urge because of this while we were having dinner to where all I could do was argue with myself on whether or not I “wanted” to be with him. I couldn’t stop from crying and it was kind of hard to breathe. Is this a common obsession for anyone? Is this ROCD? My newest therapist said that she does believe I am experiencing ROCD, but I’m scared it’s not, and it’s just me losing feelings and love for him. Is it common to obsess over if you want to break up or not? I think deep down I truly don’t because I know we have made an amazing relationship that doesn’t have any external bad things going on. In fact, I very very much wanted to marry him before all of this happened. It is just all in my head and in my feelings. Is this a common thing to obsess over?

I read a post from a while ago where someone was scared bc they had friends straddle their lap or sit on them and it always made them aroused. Someone who commented said they dealt with that and SOOCD for 28 years and ended up being a lesbian. It made me immediately remember the time where I was in middle school and my best friend at the time was showing me some kind of martial arts move (more like straddling on the floor), sat on my groin area (like pubic bone), and I felt a tingle down there. I know for a fact I never was attracted to her. She was a great friend but I never once thought of her, my other friends, or other women in a sexual/romantic way. When it was happening I remember being super uncomfortable and stiff bc I’m not really a touchy person with my friends. Minus a couple of guy friends that I had (like my current bf) I would want them to touch me or want them to WANT to touch me if that makes sense. I also remember uncomfortably thinking “this is like a sexual position she’s sitting on my thing rn” and obv my focus was on my groin and that’s when it happened. Bc in my middle school mind that position was reserved for like a bf and gf getting intimate or being touchy. I remember being so uncomfortable and scared bc it did not feel right and the tingling made me FREAK out(also at the time I had no idea I had ocd so idk if it was my ocd doing things). I immediately got up and had to leave to the bathroom bc I felt so confused, scared, and uncomfortable. I ended up forgetting about it and continued being her friend like normal till high school. I forgot about that memory up until a couple months ago. Now when I think about this memory I’m getting the groinal response 😭 (prob just bc I’m thinking ab getting some sort of groinal response). I’ve had friends sit on my lap before and I never felt anything and I never really liked it because Im just not a touchy person with friends and close contact w my girl friends in that way doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Even now I would never let my friends or another girl straddle me or be touchy like that bc I don’t want it, I never think ab it, and it just doesn’t feel right. But bc of that persons comment and memory I’m afraid it’s a “sign” from my body, a secret desire, or me being in denial esp bc prior to SOOCD I did get turned on by a lot of sexual things (porn, sexual pics like nudes or very sexual attire, sexual music videos) and did some sexual experimentation/exploration as a kid (i’ve explained this in other posts), and some memories that may or may not be fake/dreams. Like in my mind if I saw something I would be like “oh this is sexual stuff, this means sex” NOT “omg she’s so 😍😍.” I had some bad anxiety and depression issues in middle school-high school so I wasn’t really having strong crushes so that worries me. But I did have a lot of celebrity boy band crushes like A LOT. But as I got older the worse my mental health were getting because of some personal family issues. I didn’t know how to deal with my mental health so the more I ignored it, it would end up getting worse and evolve. During this time I started to get more unwanted groinal responses and I started to notice and be more uncomfortable with the fact that I felt unwanted groinal responses watching/seeing certain sexual things even though I didn’t feel attracted to it (prior to full blown SOOCD). This also led to me getting more intrusive thoughts. I have been dealing with this theme since I was 15 and It makes me feel like a liar. My libido and attraction to men have disappeared for years, and even when SOOCD isn’t bothering me as much I still can’t get it back. I have had a boyfriend in the past (with SOOCD just never received treatment) which was the early stages of soocd so I was unsure about it first but I ended developing a crush on him and felt cute young love feelings for him but SOOCD, doubt, and the mental compulsions were always there and would numb my feelings and attraction. As our relationship grew and we grew up I was never able to get aroused whenever we were intimate (or in general/by myself I had no sexual drive). I wanted to feel things so bad but I couldn’t. I would feel it sometimes but I was always analyzing my body sensations, emotions, attraction, which made me feel more numb. Before this theme I used to fantasize ab being with a guy or doing *things* with one, and it always felt right, so being intimate with him always made me feel sad and anxious bc I couldn’t feel anything. I reconnected with him a couple years ago and idk what happened but I was extremely aroused by him. All we did was kiss a little and talk but It was the first time in years where I felt genuine arousal. But it only lasted a day and I went back to being numb. Fast forward, I have a new boyfriend who was my friend for a while. I’m pretty sure I liked him since high school but idk bc I’ve been so numb for years. Three months ago when I first felt true, clear, genuine attraction to him I was so happy and excited. But ofc I started to get thoughts about my numbness, no libido, and all that. I even remember when I found him cute and started feeling those crush feelings my mind went into analyzing mode and I couldn’t feel it anymore. I also can’t get aroused with him anymore either 😭. I would be able to (never fully) whenever I was in the moment but my mind would always go back to analyzing. I really hope it’s my bad depression and ocd and nothing more. It’s like there’s a mini me monitoring everything in my brain and I can’t feel things (except all the things I don’t want to feel). All my worries and thoughts triggered this SOOCD flare up and now I feel nothing. I’ve made a post about my feelings for him before so I won’t go too into it this is already too long. I’m just afraid this memory and all the other weird things, past/present groinal responses, and years of no libido/attraction mean something. There’s nothing wrong w being gay but It just doesn’t feel right. If I was I wouldn’t jump for joy I would just end up being single all my life bc I don’t even want to experiment/experience it. All I want is to enjoy my relationship. I really thought SOOCD was going to finally leave me alone 😭. Im not religious but sometimes I find myself trying to negotiate with whatever “higher power” is out there. I just pray that If this isn’t ocd and depression I just want my feelings back for my bf, I want to fully enjoy a relationship with a man at least once and I’ll be satisfied. All this makes me feel like i’m lying to myself but I swear I felt all those things for him 3 months ago, even with OCD and my compulsions messing with my head. I just want this to end already 😭.

So to keep things short, I’ve struggled in the past pretty bad with p*rnography. I still struggled with it when I first started dating my fiancé. I would look for it in websites, twitter (now known as X) or even find it in video games, ai games etc. My issue with it was that I used it as a quick release or stress reliever for whenever I was overwhelmed or I just needed to find something to relax me, which even after it never helped. So this is the ocd thought that has been bothering me. I used to go on Twitter to watch things for that quick release because it was quick and it was fast and I could just get it over with. However, I had a really bad OCD thought like this, “What if I sexted someone? Or what if I flirted with someone on my twitter account and etc etc etc.” and I spiraled so bad and still am. My fiancé knows about all of my struggles and I told him everything especially since when we first got together, we never really discussed the boundaries with p*rn and such because we just were so focused on spending time with each other and getting to know each other more. And I told him this OCD thought where I told him I was worried about if I did something if I flirted with somebody on there if I did a video chat if I sent pictures if someone sent me pictures, etc., etc. My fiancé knows me better than I know myself and he always reassures me and tells me I would never do such a thing. And I know deep down I wouldn’t either, but what if back then I was horrible and didn’t care? What if back then I was just careless, and it’s eating me up everyday, my ocd has always been attached to the fear that “What if I cheated and blocked out the memory and don’t remember?” And now this thought has been killing me for days. I don’t struggle with p*rn anymore because my fiancé and I agreed that it’s a horrible platform and we don’t need it, which I was really happy about because it showed me that I had growth. But the thoughts like “What if I sexted someone on twitter? What if I flirted with someone?” Are killing me. I know that if I intentionally did something, I would remember every single detail and I would remember it fully, and I also wouldn’t have told my fiancé about it if I actually did do it, but I always get flashes or “visuals” of me committing the intrusive thought and my anxiety shoots up because I don’t know if it’s real or not. Does anyone else relate :(

Hi everyone, I just want to share my experience and maybe receive some helpful tips or something. Growing up I never understood why I was the way I was. When I turned 18 I had the first life changing flare-up. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 21. Over the last few years I’ve been on and off of different themes such as HOCD, POCD, COCD, etc. Over the last year I met my boyfriend who is the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. Before him I was cheating on. And not to mention I have some serious abandonment issues lol. After about 5 months into us dating I had a flare-up which so happened to be ROCD. With that I was constantly so scared I would lose feeling or cheat. It was a very hard recovery, but I did it. Some crazy stuff has recently happened in my life that has brought up a lot of trauma and trust issues. I am now constantly thinking that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I know it’s important not to seek reassurance or confess. But it’s all I can seem to do. It has really started to affect our relationship. I will also say I am starting therapy soon. I know I just supposed to tell myself I need to be okay with the unknown and maybe he is cheating maybe he isn’t, but that moto is not seeming to help. I have never felt worse that the past 2 weeks I can’t seem to sleep, or just “be normal”. I know I will be okay, I just can’t seem to pull it together. I feel each time I make a recovery something else takes its place, but each time it’s more scary and feels more real. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this or not but if so you’re not alone.

everyone says to live my life and enjoy my relationship even if i have the thoughts, to separate the ocd from reality, but how can i do that if it feels like its not rocd, but the real me, that i actually lost feelings. I literally feel like a different person, likei have changed…. i used to be so loving, in not anymore, it feels like the ocd its just thereal me and i dont accept that i lost feelings, maybe im just scared of change. please… i dont feel any love. i am disgusted, repulsed, annoyed, by him. And he dosent do anything wrong. i used to be ao loving and actualy feel something but that is long gone. maybe when i did that i just tried to cope and deny the fact tbat i lost feelings

I’ve been trying to understand how much my OCD affects the way I behave in relationships, and today I realised it may play a much bigger role than I thought. I’ve always known OCD shows up in different parts of my life but I’m starting to recognise certain patterns that feel very OCD-like, especially when it comes to romantic interest. Whenever I meet a man and develop even a slight interest or crush, my mind goes into overdrive almost immediately. The intensity is disproportionate to the situation and sometimes it happens after one meeting, one conversation, or even just a moment of attention. I start experiencing a lot of obsessive symptoms like constant intrusive thoughts about them, rumination about what they think or feel, replaying interactions over and over, predicting or imagining future scenarios, checking their social media repeatedly and feeling unable to “switch off” thoughts even when I want to It feels like my brain latches onto the person as a theme and then the cycle just continues. It doesn’t feel logical or based on any real emotional connection , it’s more like my OCD finds something uncertain or exciting and turns it into an obsession. I’ll catch myself thinking “why am I this fixated on someone I barely know?” and it feels completely out of proportion. Does anyone else with OCD experiences similar patterns with attachment, crushes, or new relationships. Is this a common presentation of relationship-related OCD or obsessional thinking? And have you found strategies that help break the loop?

so basically two weeks ago i blocked my only guy friend bc he was literally provoking me i swear 😭🙏but then today at school he asked me to unblock him and im like no but then he messaged me like “forgot to block me here” and im like hsjdjdjdjd goodness 😊 jolly 😁💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 and we talk about why i blocked him and he was being really nice and stuff and i got so scared- like basically im scared of guys in general like all of them- i dont have any- trauma or anything its just like- or maybe i do have trauma and just dont know about it I dont know but i dont speak to guys AT ALLLLLLL like ever- they avoid me, i avoid them, and whenever a guy speaks to me i literally become the most avoidant and rude person ever and i just ignore and hide away 😭 and somehow i managed to become friends with this one guy- ive had a few guy friends before but theyre usually gay- but this one isnt- 😭 and okay I DO NOT LIKE HIM and he DOES NOT LIKE ME…. He literally has his own crush or whatever that he yaps about all the time and i really like another guy too (never speaking to him or initiating anything with him though because i cant 😭 im most terrified of him) but my BRAINNN keeps going like “you like him. You should date him.” About the guy friend and like “he likes you. You want him” BRO NO I DONT PLEASE STOP IM SO SCARED WHY IS THIS HAPPENING I CANT

I have been dealing with ROCD on and off my entire relationship with my now husband. Sometimes it’ll get better, sometimes the ocd will Latch onto other things.. but it’s always there. Recently since getting married I have felt myself slowly losing it. I love my husband and we have a very beautiful relationship, but sometimes I deeply crave emotional connection with him. I do get it in bits, but never feels “enough.” He used to be very in tune with his emotions but after 5 years and life happening, he is very stressed and doesn’t have as much capacity. I know for a fact that I deeply crave emotional connection beyond surface level. But how do I know when I’m asking for too much? Just that question alone tells me that this is my OCD, but I genuinely crave this deep connection, I always have since I was very young. I feel so much and I crave to be stimulated mentally and emotionally. Since moving in with my husband it’s just been very surface level, we barely talk all day because I work from home and he is away. He gets home and I’m starting work. We never wake up together, go to sleep together. On the weekends we watch movies or shows and that’s about it. I want adventure and exploration of emotions and to feel deeply with him like the beginning. I never know what is ocd or what’s real. That’s the hardest part. How do I know I really crave this? Is my mind just trying to make me suffer? I feel so unhappy, partly the unhappiness comes from within, because I truly love my husband more than anything in this world. There feels like there’s just no way out. I feel lost, when I bring up the topic at least once a week or on a bad week, he gets defensive. It’s a repeating cycle of struggling, opening up to him, him getting defensive, we repair (somewhat) and say we will try to connect more, and then it doesn’t happen and the cycle continues. I know probably no one will see this, but I’m just so lost. I don’t think I have the money to even get professional help. It feels so out of reach. Part of me feels like this is a very real need that I need met, and the other part of me is saying “suck it up, being comfortable and routine isn’t bad. It doesn’t have to be sparks all the time” I’m so lost and I’m struggling so hard.

I keep obsessing over a past extremely toxic relationship. I’m dreaming about him again. Stalking the social medias. Just can get him out of my brain BUT I KNOW ITS NOT LOVE I KNOW IT ISNT this is just me craving the chaos and stress from that time of my life because I am now in a place where my life is calmer and I’m in a steady and healthy relationship with my now boyfriend and he’s the best thing ever. I just can’t stop these thoughts and I’m scared I’m gonna run back to him because that’s what’s happened in the past. I don’t want the cycle to repeat but it’s like I can’t stop. I am medicated for my ocd but this just feels so much stronger then what I can handle especially because I’ve never overcome these thoughts before and always just went back to him until he broke my heart again. Help

i literally just cannot stop doing them. especially mental ones. doing things that i didn’t even realize were technically compulsively behavior. all i do every day is ruminate about my mistakes, play them in my head over and over again, envision the worst case scenarios, and then compulsively search on the internet. i’m so tired of it. i feel like i can’t live my life because the second i stop worrying, something bad will happen and it’ll prove my ocd right. that i can’t move on and seek out experiences or relationships because i don’t deserve them and nobody will want me when they find out who i really am. i’m just living in fear every day and it seems like whenever i feel like i’ve “moved past” something, i come up with more evidence that i’m really just a monster that will be “found out” and have to face repercussions/be ostracized. and maybe i really do deserve that. i know it has to get worse before it can get better or whatever but i really don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. i can’t even tell anyone what’s bothering me because i’m so disgusted by my own thoughts and my past actions. every day feels like a loop and i’m so scared and tired and lonely all the time.

I’m stuck in a war because I keep thinking my boyfriend is going to breakup with me, which then leads me to want to google the signs, but if I google the signs I know it will not make me feel better, but not googling the sign is making me think that I don’t wanna google it because I know that I’ll get an answer I don’t want and that’s why I’m avoiding googling it. Which is true I am SCARED I don’t know that I’ll see answers I don’t want to see. So then I’m thinking do I now google it for erp because I’m avoiding googling and maybe it would be good to see the sign and go maybe this is happening maybe it’s not but I also know googling is a compulsion so I should resist googling. So I’m stuck.

I am so sorry for how long this is, but please help me. A little over a year ago, my roommate had her birthday party and there was drinking involved. My boyfriend had come over with his roommates and my roommate invited three of her friends from high school (two of them were dating at the time.) Toward the end of the night, her one friend left to get food and she (my roommate) left to sleep at her boyfriend’s who happens to be one of my boyfriend’s roommates. So now it is me, my boyfriend, his roommate, and the couple who is friends with my roommate. My boyfriend and his friend were dancing and singing and I had joined in dancing with my boyfriend, but he stopped claiming he had to throw up. I told him to go to the bathroom as I started offering the other three people snacks and water. I started talking to the couple, and I don’t fully know where my boyfriend’s roommate went, but I think he was standing by the front door which wasn’t far from my bedroom door. After some talking, I said to them “let me go check on (my boyfriend’s name).” The three of them left, the couple went to get food. I walked into my bathroom to help clean him up and get him in pajamas. I for some reason have a memory of thinking *I need to tell him that but not now.* I have no clue what “that” was. I get him in bed and I go back out to clean and wait for the three friends of my roommate to get back. All of a sudden my boyfriend’s fourth roommate came over to chat, and not too long after came the guy (the other roommate) from earlier when my boyfriend was sick. We all sat on the couch and I was telling a story of this one girl who flirted with my boyfriend and they were joking around about how I should’ve called her out on it. Eventually all the friends get back and I head to bed. I had to wake up early for plans I had made with friends, so I only got around 4 hours of sleep after drinking. I woke up in a panic thinking that my boyfriend’s roommate kissed me when I was on the way to the bathroom to check on him. Now that scenario doesn’t even make sense because how could that even happen, but I was panicked. I texted my roommates friend (the boy in the relationship of her two friends) and asked him what had happened. He said we danced and sang, I sent my boyfriend to the bathroom, I chatted, and I went to check on him. That was all he said happened. I didn’t tell him what my brain was telling me happened, but I kept egging him on because I thought he was lying to keep me safe. He kept confirming that nothing embarrassing happened and I was fine. We had a total of three conversations about it. I finally calmed down and assumed maybe I dreamt that and thought it was real or my brain is trying to twist the night to make me look bad. I chose to believe the reassurance given to me by my roommates friend. Fast forward to now, about a year and a month past the night. All of a sudden I am so hooked on this night and trying to figure it out. I am rereading the messages, rereading a notes section I made where I detailed each moment from the night after my roommates friend said what happened. I am contemplating texting him about it again even though we don’t talk anymore because I am so scared I did a terrible thing. I don’t know how false memory works and if my mind can make things up. I am so scared I ruined my relationship because I love my boyfriend so much and I would never do anything to hurt him at all. But, I don’t know what I was contemplating telling him when I was helping him (or if that thought actually happened in that moment) and I don’t know if that kiss had actually happened because it makes no sense in the context of the story, I had no weird feelings when he came back to my apartment after the supposed kiss would’ve happened, and we talked about a girl going after my man, which I don’t think I would’ve done if I cheated. I am so scared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what is real and what is fake. I am trying to reread the messages and even though they don’t say that happened, I don’t believe them. Even though the “memory” isn’t clear and I can’t fully imagine the interaction, I am so scared it happened. Please help.

Recently I’ve been struggling with thinking God is going to take my boyfriend away. I said I wanted to put God first in our relationship and now have been super anxious. All day I’ve thought about what if we aren’t meant to be together and God takes him away. Or if I’m starting to lose feelings because I’ve felt so weird. I don’t want to live life without him but then I start convincing myself that I’m in denial of wanting to leave him and when I try to comfort myself I think I’m in denial. It’s a horrible spiral and I don’t know how to help get myself out of it and love my boyfriend the best I can.