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how do i live my life with the past real event on my mind every second of the day i'm disgusted by it and regret and shame and just can't seem to forgive and move on 😣 i just think it's so bad what happened and can't move on

I've experienced what I believe is hocd from early ages but started having symptoms like false attraction,, groinals etc until I hit the age of 16. Same. Story as always but I bit different,, I've been interested in women sexually and romantically since a very young age like 6 years maybe I already had crushes on my teachers at school at girls, etc. At 9 I was already aroused sexually by the feminine body and not once by men no crushes on them neither I had curiosity to see them naked. When I turned 15 I had access to the Internet and started interacting with porn, one day I watched a video where the actress looked like my mother and became afraid of it started to have intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother which led me to a state of deep depression and anxiety. One day I prayed to god asking to get my attraction to women away so that I could stop feeling so depressed about those intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother, some days after my attraction diminished to the point of being almost non existant. Kids at school used to call me gay way much I didn't know why if I was a kid I didn't look feminine but it seems they just did it because they wanted to hurt me, from then I was always obsessed about thinking if I was gay I used to ruminate about it not that much like now but it was there,, also back then I had contamination ocd I had to wash my hands until they bled couldn't touch stuff because I was afraid I could get germs, then I had health ocd I thought I had cancer and after that I was playing with a needle I found on the floor and I cut myself my accident with it and became obsessed with hiv and this was on and off for many years. So once I lost my attraction and while I was also obsessed with being gay because people used to call me that way I started to experience groinals around men and what I believe could be false attraction I even felt like I had crushes on men. Struggled some years like this until one day I realized somehow that this couldn't be me because it didn't feel genuine,, those attractions,, arousals and crushes somehow I was able to discern and realize it wasn't real " there was no information about hocd back then so had to get out of it by myself" when I became certain about my orientation my attraction came back somewhat not entirely but I still used to do compulsions even through this theme didn't keep me in an anxious and depressed state by this I mean that I could live a normal life until my 35 birthday. I believe I developed rocd I had a beautiful relationship with a woman which I love so much but she used to be agressive and we had discussions all the time, she was possessive and I then started to consider breaking up we did a few times and then got back. So one day I started talking to an ex gf we didn't flirt I didn't cheat on I gf but I used to wonder how would it be to return with my ex, back then we broke up because we couldn't be together not because we didn't quite get along and we ended in good terms so I had so much stress with my current relation that I used to fantasize imagining being with someone who could actually give me some peace. At the same time I didn't leave my gf because I was sure I loved her but then my head started to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell her I was talking to my ex and also those thoughts made me feel ole I was a cheater. From then all this guilt made me feel like the worst man on earth and lost what was left of my attraction to women and I started to have groinals,attractions and stuff for men but stronger, they still feel artificial but now it seems like it's the only thing I can feel and I feel so alone and like my case is so much different from everyone else. I also believe that if naturally I was attracted to women since my childhood but lost it from trauma I could somehow get it back but also I'm almost convinced there's no one out there that can make this happen. I also have had confession ocd and if I don't confess everything I feel guilty.

Ive had intrusive thoughts for 2 months now..And I just remember about serial killers and now I imagine myself doing those things to my family and I feel uncomfortable looking at them. And now im questioning if I like my thoughts or not and it’s just causing me more worry I’m even googling my symptoms but nothing is show up. I also get sexual intrusive thoughts about the serial killers and it’s horrible and scary someone please help me.

I have been doing fantastic and frankly I have to admit the thoughts have very little effect on me anymore, or at least I can manage to ignore them better But despite this and the anxiety being reduced, ocd is still one of the toughest thing ever. This thing is as resourceful as it can be It will use anything and everything to keep you in the loop, it’s manipulative, cunning and it’s your own brain playing against you Lately I have been dealing with SOOCD and TOCD and doing good despite them. I realized that a lot of the sensations you feel with ocd is just the result of you focusing on the thoughts and giving them importance If you get out of your own mind you’ll realize those are things you would never actually do

Hey everyone, I am just wondering if anyone else on here struggles with feeling like they should “confess” their intrusive thoughts? Obviously this is a form of reassurance and a compulsion but it’s so damn hard. I also have PTSD from being groomed and the trauma from telling people what happened to me. I find that my OCD latches into this and tells me that I have to “confess” my intrusive thoughts because it’s the same as not telling anyone about being groomed. Just wondering if anyone else finds that OCD and PTSD are constantly triggering each other? Big love to everyone fighting ♥️

I just feel a bit nervous. (Picture of us camping up north last year for reference) So I know this is kind of random. And a weird trigger. But it’s coming up on a year since my ocd/ROCD began. I remember feeling anxious and having intrusive thoughts for weeks leading up to my panic attack that caused a downward spiral of depression. Every year me and my boyfriend go camping with his family in the top of Michigan on a property they’ve had for years and years. I remember sitting on the property and getting that deep anxious pit feeling that made me sick, intrusive thoughts swirling, etc. coming back from the trip is when everything got worse for me. I ended up very mentally depressed from the undiagnosed ocd symptoms for weeks. We are packing to go up for our yearly trip today, and going to be there tonight. I’m excited but I am also nervous, because of the ocd symptoms starting there, it’s kind of a trigger there for me if that makes sense? Which sucks, because I’ve always loved the place. But I’m gonna knuckle down, go up north for our yearly camping trip, and try to stay in the moment and focus on the now. I’m scared. But we will see how it goes. I’m just so scared of ocd getting bad again, as If it will magically just sky rocket all over again and then I’ll become extremely depressed. It’s all still so fresh in my brain even though I’ve come a long way since the diagnoses and when it felt like my brain completely broke. I’m just afraid. It doesn’t help that I’ve had the biggest back door spike in a LONG TIME the last three days (today being okay but still)

Hi! I’m really new here but I’ve struggled with HOCD for almost a decade now. It started when I was a teen. As a child I had exposure to sexual media (due to my own curiosity, I actually wasn’t supposed to) and my female friends and I would sometimes role play things (though mostly just two of us since we had play dates most often anyway). We did this very often and I often had to play the role of the guy (I’m actually female by sex and gender) and I was sorta pressured by the friend to be true to the role and “feel” the role while I played. I eventually got used to it and started getting used to picturing women naked and sexualizing them- but I didn’t actually want to be with them. Now, to be fair, my child brain didn’t know that was possible back then. But even then, I wouldn’t wish to be in a relationship with a person. I would get a kick out of imagining things but I didn’t actually want it in real life. Then when I first discovered different sexual orientations, I PANICKED. I was worried that if anyone heard any of this, they would think I’m bisexual! Now ofc that’s perfectly fine to be bisexual and I’m certainly an ally for that community because maybe i wouldn’t be as scared if they didn’t experience some discrimination! but I personally don’t have a desire to be with women. That fear though really freaked me out and as a child with OCD tendencies (I had germ OCD years before that), this was really hard. And unfortunately, when I have free time, this HOCD comes back to haunt me. I felt like I’m forced to be something I don’t want to be, and I have no way out. Later on, I started testing my feelings with images and videos to see how I feel. It was fine at first but I always checked further “just in case” and eventually ended up feeling attracted (though in a shallow way, not like a crush). I suspect they are false attraction but I’ve questioned things so much and become aroused at some many things I’m left clueless. The thing is I don’t want to call myself anything other than straight because I don’t want to be with women in a romantic nor sexual relationship. Yet a part of me isn’t sure and keeps asking whether it’s the case. It’s further complicated when I see folks that are female by sex but dress in a boyish way and I get momentarily attracted. I don’t want to be with them but I will find them attractive as long as I think of them as a boy of sorts. But my anxiety spikes SO much with this afterwards and I HATE going out to feel this way! My brain wonders whether I’m just secretly bi and in denial the whole time- and every time I try to shut it out, it tells me I’m “running away from the truth”… oh and online forums are the worst! Everyone says that if you any gay fantasies then you must be straight. Though, to be honest, I’m not sure if I even have “fantasies” or intrusive thoughts or both. It’s so hard to discern between them. I don’t know who to listen to.. Interestingly though, when I have a crush on a guy, I somehow crush HOCD like a grape and it vanishes (I’d NEVER use this as a strategy by the way)! I don’t know if any of this story resonates with anyone but if anyone has tips, I’d appreciate it!

I have extreme ROCD and I get so nervous meeting my boyfriends friends I’m case they are attractive because then my mind spirals and has the worst thoughts about them or intrusive thoughts that I’m like in love with them or something which makes me feel intense guilt and shame because I love my boyfriend so so much and it’s like why can’t I just get on with his friends without having weird thoughts and comparing them to him etc. it’s actually horrific and then I end up confessing the thoughts to him and it’s a constant cycle he probably thinks the thoughts are true which makes it even worse :)

I definitely don’t recommend watching videos of people having sex, as I try doing exposures and end up doing compulsions instead. My OCD is theme around not being attracted to people of the other sex, I used to be afraid of liking men a few years ago but now it changed to not liking women. I’m scared of not being turned on by women and about being in denial all along . I want to find a better way of doing exposures without watching porn or sex

My bf and I are experimenting with ways to manage my OCD. The majority of my OCD is ROCD- im constantly in fear that I’ve “lost feelings” for my partner or that i will break up with him against my will My compulsions mainly consist of confessions- in which my bf reassures me. Although this is helpful in the moment, I know it only makes the cycle of OCD continue. Today, im focusing on not using confessions with him. It’s so difficult not reaching out for his reassurance, especially when the thoughts just pile in my head What are some healthy tips that you guys may be able to offer?

Well when all this started I felt like I was attracted to every man I stumbled, couldn't be near my friends or anything because I felt like I was attracted to them genuinely it was an intense feeling. I couldn't do anything to get rid of it so I started exposing to it and this kind of feelings disappeared they sometimes show up but I'm able to tell the difference now. What I haven't been able to expose to are gay men or trans who also trigger me way to much, whenever I get across them I get intense groinals that feel like I like them and atraction that feels very intense and genuine just like I used to men before erp so today I came across a gay guy and felt like I desired to have sex with him but in my mind there was no real atraction it was like there was a mismatch between my mind and my true desires my body would feel like it wanted sex but at the same time it didn't , like in my mind I didn't feel attracted to the person I didn't even like it nor has any attractive characteristics and yet I felt like I had sexual desire and felt like I was attracted and this is making me spiral so much why did I feel this way? I'm so scared right now I don't know what to do I don't want to be someone I am not I don't see myself with another man not in a relation not even married not even having sex. What I notice is that when this happen with men I get these really intense sensations even they feel like they're stronger than my natural ones but no erections with it, while with women my desire and attraction doesn't feel that strong or intrusive but it is warm, peaceful pleasurable and I get erections and make me happy. Someone could please give me any clue please

I’ve had these really overwhelming and difficult thoughts regarding my ability to care and empathize with others. These thoughts are new and I never ever had any problem with thinking this way up until a month or so ago. Basically, I’ve convinced myself that I fake empathy and when I can understand how a person is feeling, the only reason I bother is because I’ve been conditioned to and I want validation. The only reason I do good things and show kindness to other people is so that I’m liked and appreciated because I don’t want them to be mad at me or dislike me. I’ve been incessantly researching antisocial personality disorder and reading about “sociopaths” online so much that I downloaded a chatbot app for when I have questions that I can’t get an explicit answer for. And when I feel sympathy for others I believe it’s all because I’ve been conditioned to feel that way and I don’t want something like that happening to me. And my brain also goes through a sequence of “since I don’t want something like that happening to me, that’s why I treat people good.” But then my brain says “but if there weren’t repercussions for your actions, you wouldn’t really care about whether or not you treat people well.” And I end up defaulting on that. Also, whenever something happens that causes people emotional distress, like something violent or harmful, I usually check to see my reactions and oftentimes I don’t actually have a strong one which causes me great distress. I’ve always struggled with feeling my emotions, unless they’re happy ones and I never really know how I’m feeling and with stuff like this that you can’t really get a definitive answer for, it almost consumes me because most of my intrusive thoughts I can logic my way out of but with this it’s practically impossible. I wish I could find somebody with similar thoughts or someone who has gone through this because I feel like these thoughts are so specific that I can’t find anything similar so if someone could share their thoughts that’d be amazing.

how can i stop thinking about a past event that i regret and it easts me alive 😣

Hello everyone I’m new to this forum and I think I may be suffering w/ SOOCD specifically HOCD. I think my HOCD doesn’t make me viciously anxious when it first started now I just feel numb now sure if anyone feels the same. At first it felt like a switch went off in my head and started getting excessive thoughts about women. Even today I’m afraid to be friends w/ women in fear I will like them. And it doesn’t help that I don’t get frequent crushes on guys/not as desirable when it comes to dating. I always thought women were attractive but in an aesthetic way and any sexual attraction to me was groinal or forced due to my compulsions. My mind is convincing me I’m a lesbian but identifying as one doesn’t feel right and I’ve always imagined being w/ a man. I just need help because I’m working and applying to grad school and it’s making me physically sick/unable to do anything. Just wanted some thoughts and advice if possible. (And for context I’m 21 and got triggered at around 15/16). Thank you!

I have been stuck in rumination for the past several hours, and I feel at a dead end. Can good people, unintentionally, do bad things and still be considered good? I handled a situation with a little less grace than I would have liked to, and now I feel like a monster. It was such a small moment- but it has ruined my day. Any advice?

So right now my atraction to females my preferred gender has almost vanished since hocd started, got false ones to men and sometimes my mind says that's what I want and like or that it would be better to feel these false ones instead of not feeling anything but that's not what I really think they're just thoughts that pop out of nowhere based on feelings that I get because of ocd. Is this something that should be happening?

So yesterday I had one of the worst days of my life. I Google Porn and I wanted to make sure it’s adults only and there was no kids or teens ever. Thankfully it was only Adults but now I’m scared what if I was to type CP on Google and it shows it. Someone said it’s on the dark web which they said it’s impossible for mainstream internet like my Google chrome as I refuse to get Tor Browser as that’s how people access to the dark web and I refuse because one it has CP and two it also has illegal drugs and weapons I heard. But I want to know does anyone with POCD and Real Event OCD have fears what if you were to snap one day and look for that illegal stuff? Because I’m scared and I had a meltdown yesterday because of that fear.

Hello, I would like to share my story with fighting OCD. I don't expect many people to read this but I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the first half of this story, maybe even just little bits and pieces of it. Once upon a time, I was terribly scared of going insane. The intrusive thoughts about harming others and the feelings that came along with said thoughts made me excessively worry that I was loosing my mind. I was not losing my mind, however, the amount of anxiety I felt sure made it feel like I was on the break of loosing my sanity. Turns out, I was only suffering from a classic case of of harm OCD. Though, there was a point in the middle of my obsession where it was just like my psyche had changed. I wasn't the same sweet and caring girl anymore. I started to think that I had turned into a sociopath. I remember the day it happened, I felt numb. I think it's safe to say I got hit with depression that day. I had no energy and the anxiety wasn't ever so present anymore. So, was it a backdoor spike? Probably was, but regardless of that, I had never truely stopped obsessing. I remember feeling weird like as if a part of me was gone. Oddly enough, as scary as it was, I missed the anxiety. I still miss it to this day. It was around the time that my "psyche had changed," where my symptoms started to get worse. I began to feel harm urges more frequently. I remember it feeling like I was retaining myself from going crazy. I remember crying and writing in a journal that it felt like I had wanted to act on my thoughts while really and truely not wanting to at the same time. This experience had messed me up for a long time because I had no idea these "urges" were a common occurrence for those with OCD, and they had felt so terrifyingly real. To me, this experience was nothing but proof that I was some sort of psychopath. So, I was real ashamed of it and would get rid of any jackets I wore frequently around that time cause they had bad memories attached to them and I just kind of kept it a secret. Urges? What urges? I didn't want to have anything to do with that part of me. I wish I didn't waste time worrying over what were just false feelings, it was clear that I never wanted to hurt a soul. Eventually the urges just went away. Thankfully, I don't get them anymore. One other thing that had occurred during my urges phase was rumination. This had to be my biggest compulsion. When it first started, I was sitting in my history class and the teacher had mentioned something about how the punishment for stealing livestock in some country back in the day would be death. She asked us how we felt about it and one kid said it was harsh. In my mind, I thought, "how is that harsh?" Holy. F**k. I didn't know how it was harsh. What I had felt along with the thought felt genuine. Had I lost my empathy? I began to analyze it, the person being killed for stealing a pig, trying to find some sort of reason as to feel disgust towards it. I was arguing with myself to find the answers I so desperately wanted to hear from myself. Nothing. I was confused on how this was harsh. This thought pattern would plague my entire school year. I remember times when I was riding the bus home and I started to ruminate in the same fashion again, except my thought was "what's wrong with killing?" I felt the need to clear the confusion in my head cause this thought wouldn't go away until it felt right. I was doomed to repeat this action for years. I mean, becoming a murderer was my worst fear imaginable despite being numb to the idea. I was going to do everything in my power to stop it. Throughout Highschool, I would pick up certain deep irrational thoughts to ruminate on, most of which are tied in with the harm OCD. They just seemed pretty serious to me, partly because they made me feel so confused, I felt like I had to figure them out. They didn't really give me anxiety, I just obsessed over them. I'll list some examples below: ■One of the thoughts was a confusion about why we feel guilt and I would literally argue in my mind that guilt was just chemicals in the brain and therefore doesn't hold any real value. I did the same thing with love. I don't remember the exact thought process but it was just wacky. ■There was also a breif period of time where I had to ruminate on what exactly basic English words ment like I understood them but I felt like I couldn't truely process what they ment until I knew why and where they come from, etc. ■One time I couldn't even make sense of music, it was just sound to me? ■My brother had told me about yin and yang once and how it represents the balance between both good and evil. I'm not sure how accurate that is but he said without good, there can be no evil and without evil, there could be no good. My mind took this and thought that me turning into a serial killer would be good because without evil in the world (me), there would be no good. I literally ruminated on that... seriously, it concerned me that it made sense to me. ■This one didn't even last more than a day but my mind once justified rape.. and pedophilia.. gross. ■One big argument in relation to harm OCD was that I technically couldn't kill anyone if there's an afterlife cause the person killed would still be in existence. ◾️Bull about how death doesn't matter because the person dead won't care about anything, how we only care about life bcause we are alive and wired to, or how meaninglesslife is in general. I probably missed one but I can't think of it at the moment. Either way, it's all stupid mombo jombo that randomly pops in my brain and it makes me very depressed. I mean depressed to the point where I find it hard to eat which worries me even more because I don't want my health to get worse. Having these thoughts feel as if i've actually lost my sanity, I feel like I absolutely have to analyze the thought when it comes and try to fix it to standard to how I believe I should think. I don't want to be the one who thinks this way! No way! I'm a perfectly sane and bright person! These mental gymnastics are the reason I decided to give zoloft a try. The last obsession is fairly recent but I have sense come to terms with these thoughts as not viewing them as a bad thing. Death doesnt matter? Sure, I suppose it's subjective. I personally don't care about any meaning of life anymore, im happy with that! I can now put these thoughts behind me and remember them as another irrational obsession. I can look back on all of these thoughts and laugh at how ridiculous they are and all I did was stop thinking about them daily. That's proof that I can grow and break away from having OCD control me. However, what bothers me is how the thoughts were like.. genuine? They felt very rational to me during the moment of obsession. This whole rumination process feels like it could be something other than OCD. The disorder itself is diverse. It's an umbrella term and ones experience can be unique if not simular to others. My disorder makes me ruminate in a way that's not common in OCD (or at least I don't think it is). From what I've seen online, most people would obsess over how or if they did something, if they're a bad person, or what something in particular means, maybe even something exsitential like trying to find out what's real, or magical thinking. I don't exactly go through any of that and it makes me doubt myself a whole lot. I feel pretty alone on this. Chances are, I'm a bit in denial and I mean that in both ways. I could either be in denial that this is obviously OCD or in denial that I don't have OCD. Now, there's no denying that OCD plays a huge role in all this. I strongly believe that it would be ridiculous to say otherwise. My past with the disease itself is the reason why I'm here today. Though, I can barely see my current symptoms as OCD (as OCD as that may sound haha). To be honest, I am very scared of reaching out for help out of fear of being misunderstood or worse, I don't want to ruin my life. What do I do? And what the hell happened in this brain of mine? I guess I shouldn't expect any real answers here, but it feels good to vent, I guess. Anywho, I know this sounds cheesy, but if you managed to give this post any sort of attention, thank you. Just being heard means more than you think. <3 If you relate or have any advice or so on, feel free to add on your thoughts down below!

Hi guys what theaprist do you recommend for rocd on here?

Ok sorry this is kinda a quick post just desperate for help. Any advice anyone who can provide some help or advice. I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed and suicidal at the moment so writing this isn’t easy, I’m struggling to find the words to describe how I’m feeling right now, so I’m just gonna lay it out as it is. Although I haven’t been formally diagnosed with ocd I have allot and I mean allot of the symptoms. My life and mental state is horrible and it’s hard. Ur I try and get get by with the good things in my life. Sorry I’m not here for a pity party or sob story. I know you all are better and have enough to worry about. Basically I had a friend who was 14 and I met when I was 17. We talked for a few months and while we where pretty chill out conversations sometimes involved more suggestive things. Talking as teenagers do. However as I was getting close to being 18 I knew I had to stop this out of morals and my own judgement. So I did. Or so I thought, I’m my opinion what i said here was wrong and my ocd if I even have it is telling me I’m a creep and some monster who deserves to die and suffer. Basically now I was at the time 18 we where playing Truth and dare. Classic party game for boring nights. And I asked what there best pickup line was. I responded to there’s with “aha that was funny” and moved on. I just feel the dare I said was sexual or inappropriate to ask them. And I feel horrible so horrible I can’t even begin to explain it. I feel hopeless and I’m slowly losing grip of myself. I don’t wanna seem like I’m begging or asking for reassurance but any semblance of hope would help. Or advice honestly I would be great full for both. Thank you for reading whoever you are and i hope ur day is going better than mine.