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I’m scared

Hour and so I'll have to get ready for school . My family laughs when they see me complain about going there. Not in a "haha we hate you" way but because of how overdramatic my reactions are, I'm known to be a drama queen sometimes so they laugh and say "(my name) is really not having it hahah" which is true, But they don't know that my reactions are true and I mean it all . I don't want to admit it though, but goodness, it's such an unsafe area for me.. many times nothing happens, but there's still an average chance I'll embarrass myself, again. I just feel like something bad will happen, my mind is so fragile, OCD will definitely feel triggered . I just don't want to hear the overbearing chaos from other students at such early time in the morning, or the events that happened at the bus before break- I'm scared for transportation now even. I feel overstimulated just thinking about all of this, like my mind hurts . Such a silly thing to worry about, but gosh I hate school and I've said it so many times on this app. I hate it so much, hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate IT. If it weren't for it- I wouldn't have gone through certain traumatic events.. it's so awful . But I can't escape it. My OCD seems hungry for it though, I'll try my best to use the knowledge I have to keep it stable.

One of a big OCD fear of mine is time running out. Constantly checking time, ruminating on how long it took for me to do a certain task, feeling as if I couldn't enjoy a hobby due to feeling as if time is running out and I need to make the MOST out of it.. etc . Typing this as it's 1 in the morning and I have to get ready for school in 6 hours . I had a week break, no more breaks after this. At least until schools over. Obviously. Honestly, a great break . I felt so free, and I feel as certain changes are happening to me mentally and overall . I'm not sure how to describe it, but unfortunately.. the break felt like it lasted for an hour only. This wasn't enough time, I wanted to complete at least one big project but I only ended up doing some minor stuff and it just- ugh . I feel frustrated with the overall results. But I'll miss this free feeling.. I haven't felt so unsafe since I haven't been at school, but soon I'll have to head back . And honestly, I'm horrified. < /3 I hope I at least sleep good, I had such an awful nightmare last night, which relates to OCD.. but that's for another post. I feel stressed, I feel uneasy.. dissociated ? What's the meaning of life ? I don't know. But nontheless, I wish everyone a peaceful night..! 💜✨️ We have survived another cruel round of OCD . & if it's day, depending on where you live, have a wonderful day . ~

I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, but OCD absolutely controls all aspects of my life. Whether I’m opening the door, practicing a hobby, reading a book, or scrolling on social media, like unlike I find myself going back and forth, scrolling up and down, reading a page, closing the book, rereading the page, closing the book, opening the book, starting from the beginning, turning the page, then turning the page back. It takes me forever to get things done. Turning the shower on, turning the shower off, filling the tub up, having to empty the tub, then refilling the tub. Taking hot showers is one way for me to try to get the feeling to go away, the horrible feeling that I get through my body. The best way I can explain that feeling is nails on a chalkboard, constantly, over and over and over again. Turning the blinker on in the car, turning the blinker off, turning the car blinker on one direction, then turning it on the other direction right after I do it. I constantly do it. Sometimes it’s an even number. It can never be an odd number. Sometimes I have to continuously do it until that feeling goes away. I still struggle with my internal monologue talking to me, controlling me, telling me things, showing me things that I know are not real, that I know are not true, but I don’t want it to happen, so I give in. I spin and turn circles. I blink my eye. I fidget with my fingers. If I bump into a wall, I have to sit there and rub the wall with the part of my body that I bumped into it with until the feeling goes away. If I step on a line, I’m doomed. If I don’t step on a line, I’m doomed. Some days it’s either or. Sometimes, if I step on a line and it doesn’t feel right, I have to go back and step on the line again, over and over again. When grabbing a shopping cart, I feel contaminated. I feel dirty. I don’t feel right. I get that nails on a chalkboard feeling throughout my body again and again. I say phrases and things in my head that don’t even make sense, that are not even part of any type of language, just to make myself feel better. If I get poked in the eye, if I get cut, if I drop my phone, if I hurt myself, I constantly need some type of reassurance that everything will be okay. If someone touches me, if I bump into somebody, I get this overwhelming feeling in my body again, the nails on a chalkboard feeling. I even manifest that they took a piece of me, or that my facial features or my body is changing to look like theirs. I constantly seek reassurance that everything’s okay. Do I look like me? Do I look like this person? Growing up, if someone touched me, I would quickly spit on my hand and try to wipe it off as fast as I could. This was way before hand sanitizer was ever invented. I probably would have rushed to the bottle of hand sanitizer, squirted some out, and tried to wipe it off, but at that time I would be in class. People would touch me on purpose to torture me because they knew that I would do these weird things. I was constantly made fun of, so I tried to hide everything, causing myself pain. If I look at someone, I get stuck in a constant motion of turning my head back and forth, looking at them until I can get that feeling to go away. I even feel it in the back of my eyes. I would do the same thing if the sun got in my eyes, I would look at the sun and then away from the sun until I could get the feeling to go away or if I did it an even number of times Then I dwell on it. Did they notice me looking at them? Did I damage my eyes? Do they think I’m weird? Am I going to go blind? This happens every day with anyone and everyone. It’s another reason why I hate going out into public. Growing older with OCD, I’ve just had to grit my teeth because there are a lot of things that have been asked of me. I’ve tried to conform myself into a regular human being doing regular things, even though it’s so difficult for me to do so. I’ve started my life. I’ve started a family. I’ve built businesses so I didn’t have to work for someone else and have to relive these horrors and expectations of that job. I’ve had to make changes and roll with the punches for so long. It’s been overwhelming and painful, and many times all I can do is think of how relieving it would be for everything to just go away. I’m here on this platform because I seek help, and I believe the best way to help myself is through therapy. Whatever anyone here is struggling with, I promise you, if you just keep going, you will adapt. You will be able to make the life that you want. It may not be perfect, but nothing is perfect, and we all have to work at it. To everyone that is struggling with this demon, I feel for you. My heartstrings are pulled, and I hate that you have to go through so much and live through so much pain.

I’ve never had concerns about OCD before, and don’t know much about it at all, but by searching obsessively about how to get over certain hang-ups around sex, sexuality and gender, I discovered the term moral scrupulously OCD. The backstory is kind of silly but it’s important to note that I am a sex-averse lesbian who is very political and extremely left-leaning. I like to read fanfiction and a specific type I’ve been enjoying lately envolves two male characters gender swapped. I noticed I was becoming uncomfortable at the thought of the canonically bi male character also being bi as a female, but I suppressed the feelings until 4 days ago, where this exact discussion came up on my twitter timeline and it was very moralised. Now I’ve spent the past 4 days completely dissecting my brain to uncover all reasoning my prejudices against heterosexual sex and casual sex, and also my internalised misogyny. Intellectually I know there is nothing wrong with these things and I am very vocally feminist and am working on being more sex-positive, but I feel like I HAVE to correct my internal emotional hangups because I don’t want to be biphobic. I know these things are ingrained, some things aren’t inherently in my control due to the way society codes misogyny into people, and don’t change so easily, but I’ve spent the past 4 days crying, thinking about this non-stop and obsessively scouring Reddit for hours and hours and hours searching for people who have thought the same things and overcome it. I’ve written two long explanations of my feelings intending to post them on different subreddits for advice. I am struggling to sleep, I am not eating frequently and I am neglecting studying for my upcoming exams because I am feeling so low. I am feeling bad both because the emotional hangups are so strong, meaning I am struggling to enjoy that specific interpretation of that character without feeling (unjustly) uncomfortable and reading fanfiction is one of my main hobbies, but also because of how obsessively I’ve been trying to fix it. I have very low tolerance towards any type of prejudice and I feel so guilty for having non-progressive beliefs so deeply ingrained in my emotions. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me and I don’t know what to do.

I’m 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I wanted this and were SO excited to meet our little girl. At our 20 week scan, we found out baby has holes in her heart, which will definitely require open heart surgery within her first six months of life, and mild to moderately enlarged brain ventricles, which may mean she will have developmental and cognitive delays. Also found out this past week that she’s measuring small and is high risk for being stillborn. She has no chromosomal deletions or additions, but we’re still waiting on other genetic test results. This has been the worst month of my entire life. The levels of rumination that I had at the peak of my OCD five years ago are back with a vengeance. It feels like nothing will ever be good again. I am so terrified and I don’t know how to not be terrified, for her, for me. The heart surgery isn’t even scary for me anymore because that’s something that can be fixed; there are good outcomes for her particular defect. Instead I’m so scared that her ventricles won’t resolve and that she’ll be intellectually disabled. I don’t want to terminate; I love her already and I know logically that I can handle caring for a kid with special needs. I can advocate for her and get her interventions and push her to do all she can. But I’m so scared and sad for her and desperately want something to DO. The only thing I can do right now is terminate, so I’m fixating on it and obsessing over whether I need to do it, if it’s what my doctors expect me to do, if I’ll regret it if I don’t. I don’t want to regret her. I don’t want to look at her and only see her disability. I knew abstractly that my child would have challenges in her life. Everyone does. But right now ALL I know about her is that she will have challenges, that she may not be capable of reading the books I wanted to share with her or going to college or living an independent life. And all I see on social media is people saying how miserable their lives are as a caretaker for their kid with special needs. Really seeking encouragement right now. I know it will be difficult if she has intellectual disabilities. I know it will be a long path. But this is the hand I’ve been dealt and I want to be brave, because I want her and I already love her.

I have to vent to the community for a bit. I have digital contamination/ Real Event and False Memory. I have been struggling to get back into gaming which used to be a hobby I really enjoyed. I have spent the last year obsessively trying to clean up my digital footprint and obsessing over if I ever said or did something wrong or embarrassing in the past. It really dehabilitated my life for a year. I had been unemployed for 3 months after losing my job unexpectedly and just started my new role. So I am experiencing some change. I have been absolutely fixated on wanting to try to find my old game accounts but I’m too scared to check. So I feel like that’s avoidance but I also don’t want to get trapped down the rabbit hole of needing to check because that feels like the compulsion. So I’m just sitting here trying to be a good mom and wife while my mind is racing needing to check. I know that probably all sounds so minor to anyone else but it makes my heart pound and head spin. I’ve been diagnosed for 8 years. I have been in ERP for 1 year. It’s been life changing but I haven’t been able to have a session since Jan due to losing my insurance after my role was lost. I have battled contamination/religious ocd before and those were awful. This one has been really bad because I can’t escape my phone, laptop, emails, even logging in to pay bills used to shut me down. I work in business so technology is so crucial to me making ends meet to provide for my family. Every day is an exposure. I use ai for reassurance or work and wind up tail spinning about the information I gave it. I had when my kids are gaming but they love it but when my family decides to game together my mind races. I have to shove it down. It used to be such a fun family activity for us but it hurts me. My husband can’t stand hearing about any of my compulsions anymore. He spent so many years trying to help and support me but he’s exhausted and I just really am in a better place. Bad days still creep up on me. I just needed to vent to people who understand. Just posting this hard for me because again, it’s digital, it’s online, it’s to strangers about something personal. I miss the days I could join online communities and bond or even do marketing for companies and work remotely but my whole life changed after the spiral a year ago. Anyways, if you’re still here… thank you for listening to this stranger vent. OCD is a monster and I’m glad I don’t have to battle it alone and have this community. ❤️

How many of us suffer in silence? We’re just able to mask it so well, almost everyone thinks we’re ok but when we get home we release all that build up tension from anxiety. Only the ones closes to us know how bad things are ….. I go to work, hang out with friends, go out to eat with my wife yet I deal with triggers all around me everyday, & use my response skills to get through them. I’m able to hide it so well, but there’s always a question I ask myself …… is this how my life is now? I have to fight off compulsions for the rest of my life or else it could get worse again, got me in a sad low mood. I apologize, I always like spreading positivity on here but today, today I can’t. I’m tired …. Anyways Have a great day! Hope everyone had a great weekend

I’ve been struggling a lot with the thought of that I liked that Jesus died? Like I’m no longer able to worship Him right now cause it feels like I’m worshipping the fact that He died rather then the fact that He forgives. And it’s scary cause I’m really starting to think I like the fact that He died. I don’t want to by any means, like I’m anxious right now thinking about it. Not sure if this is ocd or Satan speaking, or if it’s like actually me, I’m trying to accept the uncertainty but ITS HARD! A few months ago I was like all in for Jesus but now I’m like running from Him because of this, but I feel like now going to Him it’s like I’m a psychopath and happy He died? I am really worried that this is just me. If any of you have advice please let me know! It just feels so wrong to be like “maybe I’m happy He died maybe I’m not” cause it literally FEELS like I am but I literally don’t want to be. Put please if any Christian’s have advice please let me know, I would really appreciate it.

A year ago I went to a portable potty downtown and I used the toilet paper 🧻 in there. A couple months later or days later can’t remember. My friend was like “I would never use a portable potty or the toilet paper in there. Have you heard about the drug addicts cleaning their needles by poking it in the toilet paper and now a year later it came up again because I masturbated the day before and went to work the next day and as I was using the restroom it hit me what if when I got up and put my pants back on some flung on to the toilet paper next to me. Now I’m thinking great everyone who used the paper is now infected with an std or something bc I MIGHT have std from the day I went to the porta potty a year ago. I feel so alone and lost and anxious and scared. I feel like I’m the only one with this specific scenario. Can I even get infected like that?

18+ only OCD keeps infantilising grown women especially when they posting somewhat suggestive things I guess? (Could just be my OCD just assuming that but I don't know) and I hate it so much, I also saw someone I had to report, they didn't post anything I don't think but I just went to their account to report them because their name was a dogwhistle and the person my OCD infantilised despite them being 21 was really triggering and then when I was reporting the "person" I saw the link to someone I cleared as safe and the checking compulsion popped into my head again, I didn't do it but I'm having a groinal and everything. I then checked the first person's (Not the person I reported) following and they turned out to follow some people I find immoral so I reported them too but one person was just normal and posted slightly suggestive photos of themselves in like gym shorts and bikinis but I didn't know their age so OCD freaked out and said all these things about me for no reason. I needed to do the checking compulsion to something safe but then I saw two people I thought were safe uploaded new videos doing things I found immoral, I found someone safe but kept itching and stretching my privates when looking for something safe and I don't know why but I'm scared it's a s*xual thing, I was doing the stretching thing when I had a full on groinal and sometimes when I was ya knowing but I was itching compulsively before then and I didn't feel anything when stretching, I just have a medical thing down there and doing that helps, maybe it's a subconcious test to see if it is a s*xual thing but I've done it before under different contexts like just on the toilet and not really paying attention to my phone so I'm scared/worried I could've done it at an inappropriate time without realising. Also this is probably a dumb aside but I don't believe I feel attraction, I just use checking compulsions to "disprove" intrusive thoughts and destress. Before the compulsion I reported a bunch of people either being really disgusting about someone who posted a selfie or following people I've reported before or posting videos of other people possibly without them knowing and I also thought someone was safe and was about to find something of there's to complete the compulsion before one of their titles had the word "mommy" in it which I really hate but I feel bad because I already started the compulsion before finding that out and stopping. And I keep looking at people inappropriately, no matter who it is and I despise it more than anything. And I just learnt that Euphoria which I watched like 2 episodes of ages ago had a scene cut from the first episode because it was illegal and I'm terrified I saw it and didn't realise and I feel like I have to report it just in case but obviously don't want to see it.

Hi everyone! My name is Mila, I’m 20 years old, and I was diagnosed with OCD last spring. I’m sharing my story because I went through psychosis from August 2025 to early October 2025, and I cannot shake the guilt off ever since I’ve experienced the episode. Also, I’d love to spread awareness and possibly hear about other experiences. TW: I would also like to warn that this post WILL have mentions of: sexual violence & trauma, paranoia about the government, stalking/following, delusions, contamination, social anxiety, magical thinking OCD, homophobia (not me lol) and my apologies for anything I’ve missed. Starting off strong— On August 1st, I was sexually assaulted in my sleep when I was 16 and with that came with nightmares, phantom touches, flashbacks, depression, truancy, and all of that pizazz. For a while it felt like my pain from my sexual assault was going to be like pi on a scale of 5. Yet throughout pi, it switches from 9 to 2, big to little, and most importantly you don’t know what number would be next. you don’t know if tomorrow’s going to feel/be like a 0 or 8. In short, the pain felt infinite and moderate. Now, I use past tense because I worked so hard to alleviate the pain with therapy, meds, wrong coping mechanisms, being a workaholic, reporting it to the police and eventually, without me knowing, i was convinced that I’ll always be okay. Every year that passes, despite my hard work, the last week of July becomes a hell hole for me. It’s like my body automatically remembers and I’m experiencing how bad it used to be all those years ago. So, in the beginning of my psychosis (first week of August 2025) I was already heavily sleep deprived, drowning in a trauma-heavy brain, and feeling so alone. My psychosis REALLY started when I thought I was being followed by my rapist AND the government on the way to my girlfriend’s house. My rapist? Well, not really because he doesn’t live here anymore. This stemmed from when I parked in his neighborhood with my girlfriend to open up to her more about my sexual trauma. Now, the government…was a stretch…why? Because I accidentally reposted a “pray for Charlie Kirk” post on my insta story😭 it’s funny when I look back at it. But I was subconsciously dying of embarrassment and guilt. And SOMEHOW, I thought the government saw all this left wing media I consumed, spread, my beliefs, and how I protest. Honestly, i’m still so embarrassed talking about this delusion 😣😣 To add on, I specifically thought the white no-numbered licenses plate van and truck was ICE…going after my girlfriends family…AND they’re targeting ME because I’m gay and I live in a red state…….and somehow this isn’t the worse. Moving on, I keep driving convinced I’m going to be kidnapped and my girlfriend’s family will be sent away. I drive past my girlfriend’s house because right now I’m thinking “they’re tracking my location.” Then, I turned off my Apple Maps directions to her house and put airplane mode on my phone because I thought I could get to her house by memory. WRONG! The exit I was going to take was closed so I went about 30 mins past her house into this small town where I “hid” in the back parking lot of a CVS. On my way here, I finally called my girlfriend because I was too scared someone could read our texts. It did not help that it was beating hot that day where my phone would shut off by itself 😅 then, my girlfriend and her grandma went to get me because I was too scared to drive and move. I felt like I was being watched and there were people hiding in greenery and cars. I even thought those big cameras in parking lots were watching me. I was convinced the town I “hid” in was a social experiment and because of what I accidentally posted, the government AND my friends were somehow watching me through the cameras of wherever the hell I was. Then, I was saved and my girlfriend sat in the passenger’s seat while I was following her grandma home. We got to my lovely girlfriend’s home. I fell asleep in her lap as she was trying to convince my parents to not send me to the mental hospital because my parents were going out of the country for a week and a half and to not stress about me, that was their solution. Keep in mind.. my parents are your traditional emotionally absent immigrant family.. not believing in mental health “diseases”… or the fact that I was being followed. I was actually cussed out and accused of being on drugs by my father when I told him I thought I was being followed. So, me not being sent away was a celebratory achievement. Instead, I had a psychiatric appointment with the local office near me. Finally got home. My parents were leaving for vacation the next night so all I did cry and sleep while my girlfriend took care of me. Then, it was time to say goodbye to my parents. I overanalyzed their hand motions and thought my mom was signaling to me that my house was bugged. And that they can hear me. So they left to the airport. My girlfriend, sister, and I all watch Interstellar. I thought it was AI because of the *********SPOILERS************* watch/clock/time/banging on bookshelves scene with Murph and her dad. I thought my dad was telling me to make sure my analog watch was still ticking because the somehow the government changed the times in my home via HACKING the digital clocks, by breaking in, somehow slowing down our grandfather clock with IDK TELEKINESIS?!? Just to make sure i miss that psychiatric appointment so I wouldn’t snitch or because i was supposed to die that day. Yeah 🤯. I also thought that the plane crashing scenes were my friends telling me what happened to my parents just now. A PLANE CRASH. And I was just keeping silent because again, the government can hear and see me and what if this interstellar movie was also controlled BY THEM. So, if I acted normal and sat through that discomfort(literally ERP) then the government would trust me in being stable and not snitching about them. I was straight face gang the entire movie. I didn’t want to show any signs of weakness or fear. Hmm I wonder what that makes me as a person. Somehow throughout this movie I was also convinced that my friends were trying to tell me that my dad was locked up for a verbal death threat about my rapist, my parents broke up, my parents were being sent back to our mother land, my parents blew up in the plane, my dad time traveled, um. just anything in that movie my brain grabbed at and tried to make the worst out of it. Like an evil intrusive magical thinking magnet. But then the movie had a nice ending so that’s how I knew my parents were okay 😃 midway of writing this I am a bit anxious about developing schizophrenia in the future. moving on, My sister and girlfriend accompanied me in this appointment. It was August 14. some background info: this mental health clinic comes from the same company of nursing home I’ve applied at.. and got rejected. and at my appointment, there was a QR code hanging on the doorknob in front of me and I scanned it. Bam! A nice thank-you note from the CEO. and then suddenly my brain convinced me that the government and CEO were working together to take me down because people like me don’t deserve to work in healthcare LIKE HELP IM SOOOOO EMBARRASSED OF THIS DELUSION!!! 90% of my psychosis was fr me projecting and 10% was just me ruminating and having panic attacks. Ok so I meet with the psychiatrist and I literally infodumped on him and told him EVERYTHING that happened. and I was prescribed some Prozac and Propanol likeeee talk about pushing p 😛. but unfortunately, I thought that mental health clinic was out to get me because 1. I had debt from when I was admitted to one of their mental hospital … when I was 15. 2. the CEO note. I believed my phone was hacked and it opened up another URL. 3. this part was in July but I also thought my laptop was hacked and that’s why I couldn’t register for a very very very important exam. I thought the CEO of the testing company knew I enjoyed Mary Jane every now and then. So I believed they’ll use that against me to be blacklisted from every healthcare facility, classes, EVERYTHING. Post-appt: I got my prescription. Felt maybe 0.21% better afterwards. And guess what? This was ALSO apart of my psychosis. I needed to log into my mother and I’s health insurance account in order to pick up my meds. Didn’t know the password, the timezones were VERY different between my mother and I, and given what I was convinced throughout the movie, I did not think she was real either🤣🤣 yeah I was just straight up in another reality. I thought she was AI, government was texting for her, or my other sister who I don’t speak to anymore. I already thought the government was after me. So, I thought if I logged into this UnitedHealthcare account they would see that I’m not the primary THROUGH THE LAPTOP CAMERA and they would ARREST ME for 1. Fraud because I’m not the primary. 2. Medical debt when I was 15. And lowkey during this time, I was convinced my parents were going away and I thought I had to work to support paying RENT LIKE ??? and ALL my medical debt that my parents never paid for. 3. There was also that d4vid scandal and I remember seeing that I didn’t search him up on my Spotify nor google and I thought the police were going to frame me for being the buffalo bayou murderer and that he was my inspo. So I thought through the smallest ways, like logging into an account that’s not yours, that would be enough to create some lead on me. The entire time my parents were gone, I never picked up my meds. I was just wholeheartedly believing that my house was bugged and there was a camera in my fan. I acted as if I was performing. I acted less on my political beliefs. I was always guarded and scared to show affection to my girlfriend. Even when I’d change, I’d do it in my closet. When my girlfriend would change, I would cover the fan because I thought there was a camera in there. Academic wise, I failed and dropped my classes that fall 2025 semester. I was too scared to drive because the software could easily be hacked in my car. To go to campus because I see too many people I know there and everyone thought I was some school shooter because my panic attacks have been popular (thought I was being watched + social anxiety combo). This even led me to giving away the airsoft gun my father gave me after he heard about my sexual assault(talk about parenting haha I was 17). I failed badly because I believed some of my assignments were TARGETING me. With questions centering sexual assault, FANS, and my parents jobs. thought the gardener at campus was an undercover cop watching me. That semester, the last time I went to class from not going in WEEKS, I had a panic attack in the veterans area because I thought any one of them would understand my PTSD and anxiety. Throughout the time I was in school, I wouldn’t go to class physically but I would work from home and thankfully, my professors accommodated. Although, when my sister and girlfriend would try to get my courage up by making me drive to pick up my nephews or going to the library to work an assignment. I couldn’t get out. it just felt like I was being constantly tested, watched, and bullied. I mean I thought the cops also tried to frame me for having weed or being some drug dealer simply because there were leaves under my chair. I fell and scraped my knee, lost some blood, and cried because someone is going to collect my blood and frame me. Thought my Spotify was getting hacked. Thought people could see what’s on my laptop screen and how I didn’t read my microeconomics textbook that clearly so now my neighbors think I’m just some sociopathic manipulative manic psycho because by not reading that book, it would mean I wasn’t that educated about social class. Things so small yet my brain connects it to losing my life. In short, I didn’t go to class & I didn’t open my laptop because it was hacked but what I did do was… 🥁🥁 CLEAN!!!!!!! Yup I was just cleaning. doing dishes, laundry, rearranging my room, using my hands to get every crumb out of the carpet, bathroom cleaning, showering too much, and eating too little. Well it hits the first week of September and my parents are back. I did not think they left America. I thought they were watching me the entire time and knew about my psychosis. I also thought my girlfriend knew about the mics and cameras until she snapped me out of it and asked who was listening to us. My girlfriend helped a lot. Offering to break down THE fan. Slept and kept me company. Watched me sleep because Zia couldn’t be the one who sleeps second. Fed me and convinced me to a few assignments and drives. Moving on, im getting a little thankful. My mother logged into the UHC account for me. I picked up my meds all by myself. IN THE RAIN. OH! I also thought the government controlled the weather so every time I said something wrong it would rain. Vice versa with sun. So me driving in the rain was a HUGE accomplishment. I start taking the meds, melatonin, vitamins, AND I ordered a weighted blanket. I went on walks and runs. Yes, I still thought the police were still watching me and I did have a public panic attack near a lake. I still thought a few things were hacked like my phone and TV. Still couldn’t drive that much until my sister tricked me into basically driving where my girlfriend lives!!! So that made me feel a lot more confident. I felt like a baby bird relearning its environment. I did wake up with immediate panic attacks in the morning but I also got a job as a barista. Something small but it helped me get over this delusion that everyone was after me. I started to also talk to my cousins again. Although, Ive gotten distant with my friends. I’ve said too much. I asked if my phone was hacked and if there was a recording of me going around. I told them about the day I parked in his neighborhood with my girlfriend. and I was convinced they thought I was pregnant and I lied about being sexually assaulted this entire time. So ever since, I’ve lost that feeling of being able to go to my friends. We grew apart and they have no about my psychosis era. With medication, improved grounding techniques, and finally opening up about my delusions to my girlfriend, I WASN’T back to normal. but stable enough to work part-time and drive to her. Because at the time, I thought she was in it too. That she knew ICE was after her and her family. Crazy right? Now, I’ve been going out. Driving everywhere. Working full time as I relearn the materials to take my very very very important test. I’m also retaking the classes I’ve dropped this summer & fall! I think I just needed to see all of it written down because after my psychosis was over, I would just cry. I still feel so bad for me. I feel embarrassed for being a year late on my timeline. For the things I said to others. For how I acted. How unstable and SCARED I was. My girlfriend even said it felt like I was possessed. Before this, my biggest fear was being sexually assaulted. Getting robbed of my body, being dehumanized, and watching myself from third person. But now, losing myself is my biggest fear. I’m glad it is because it means I am beyond worth losing. thanks

do you think this sounds like pocd or sexual taboo ocd? To be fair I’m asking this because if this is ocd then I’d have other themes that basically prove my tocd to be ocd… So I used to have distressing thoughts and images of me engaging in disgusting stuff that I would never do, it made me avoid family members, and I would come to ChatGPT for reassurance to know it’s ocd. And I’m not worried that this isn’t ocd because that would make me a predator I’m worried that this isn’t ocd because that would mean my trans ocd theme isn’t real and I’m in denial. That’s because rationally, I know I’m not a pedofile now. But those themes scared me so much. I would confess to my mum about the thoughts because I wanted to know if it was just intrusive thoughts or not. But the thing is I wasn’t scared of the thoughts being true, I was just absolutely disgusted by the thoughts. And I had existential themes too, I constantly needed reassurance that everything was real. I was terrified of developing derealisation and depersonalisation. It was awful. I’m worried none of this was ocd and I actually am in denial.

I have done so much wrong throughout the course of my life and the guilt will never go away. At the same time, I feel like it shouldn’t. I was very mean for a long time and then when I was in my teens I said awful things about someone because I wanted to gain the approval of people I hung out with (who I am no longer friends with), but I still chose to do it. This happened years ago and I can’t forgive myself, I don’t deserve to. I am truly living in hell and am drowning in shame and guilt. I don’t know what to do anymore. Real event is taking over my life and nothing can fix it because it is the result of my own actions. I hate who I was. 🙁

A comment I had made to someone's post. It always seems like life is a cycle and it never stops bringing something up, but I take it as a challenge. God has a plan for you, not to bring you down, but to strengthen you and bring you up ❤️✝️ So for me after my depression and anxiety it was... Trichotillomania! I was admitted 14 times to the psych unit and once for 3 months in a residential. I turned 12 years old the first time at the unit while I was in there. My last admittion was Feb 2025, in the middle of my stay at the residential. I started to look to the psych unit as an escape. I used to not be able to go 1-2 months w/o being admitted either voluntarily or by a baker-act. And guess what? I haven't gone in over 1 year and 2 months!!! Ever since I could remember, I used to hurt myself when I was overwhelmed. I think my first memory of self inflicted pain was when I was 4, on my bed, while my parents were yelling at me for something and I was curled up into a ball, and so I bit my bent knee. Not enough to make myself bleed, no, but enough to make me feel grounded. As soon as I bit, that made me feel some sort of high that I can only explain as feeling calm and distracted, which, for a 4 year old, I didnt know better and although it hurt, it felt good for me. Then at around 10-11 years of age, I started to bite my hands, my fingers. Then at 11 and 12 (a few months b4 I first got into the unit) I started to make a fist and punch my head. If im correct, the first time was because I couldn't wear a skirt that I had gotten as a gift that my grandma gave me, and because I started to hit myself because I was overwhelmed, the skirt ended up getting cut up into pieces by my grandmother who gave it to me. I have an amazing relationship w my grandma, and looking back it was right for her to have done that because yeah, i pretty much hit myself cus of the skirt 🫤. I was pissed and overwhelmed, and that was maybe the first time that I hit myself for self punishment and not to calm myself down (although it also included me doing it cus I was overwhelmed). Then a 3 days b4 I got into the ward for the first time in early June 2022, I self injured myself by scratching at my skin with my nails (honestly nubs because I tend to bite off my nails) and that made my skin burn off and has left some scars (which I'll talk abt later!). Then maybe mid 2024, in the beginning of my freshman school year, I started to cut. I used to consider myself a coward because I was scared to cut, but once I got into it... I wouldn't, couldn't stop. Instead of waiting for me to get triggered and then cut, I would get out in the middle of class and take up 30 min of my education time to cut and cut nonstop. Once, our class and school was randomly picked out of my county district, to have a search. I had a pack of razors in my pocket and hid it into my backpack when police and security strode into my math class. I was so terrified because they searched our backpacks and searched us and our pockets and jackets and waterbottles with metal detectors. I have no idea how I didnt get caught. I was so obsessed with the cutting that I would do it nonstop as a preventative measure, to be calm all day, and I would cut stars and words and letters into myself. Whenever I would get admitted again, (i was already a well known veteran at this point at the unit) the staff would laugh along with me at my art, the scabs and scars of stars and hearts and bows cut into my thighs. I would be on social media all the time like Tumblr and be on those communities too. And wpd and other gore sites too, sadly. But back to the scars thing, early April of 2025, I went to church again. And for me, it felt like the first time but id been to other churches before. And that night I gave my life to Jesus. And I cant say ive never looked back, but ive stayed strong. That summer, i went to youth camp. And i got baptized! Not gonna lie, I thought I was going to come out crying and super happy and all new, but when I came out of that water, I felt numb. It wasnt until that night, that i was talking to a friend who'd gone through similar things as me and had gotten baptized a few years before, and she told me abt how she had scabs healing when she went in the water. Then once she rose from that water, once she got baptized, she had absolutely no scabs or scars on her. So then i had the urge to get up and go to the bathroom. And I did, and when I looked down, guess what? All my scars were gone. I had been washed clean. Jesus forgave me when I gave my life to Him, and once I made that public proclamation of my faith by my baptism, I was outwardly saved too! Saying this, God is faithful and ik that He has worked through you too. Im praying for God to show you the way through your dermatoillomania. There is forgiveness and salvation in Jesus and Jesus only. AMEN!!!

Does anyone feel like worry 24/7, out of reality, numb, mentally in pain, like you know smth is not right with you, even when you don't have any OCD symptoms anymore or thoughts for days ????

Hi everyone. I really need some help or just to hear from people who have been through exactly this. I'm 18 years old and I've been in a relationship for 6 months. Just last week, we celebrated my birthday. We went to his village, slept together, and everything was perfectly fine. I thought he was super sweet, and I the last week missed him whenever we weren't together. The feelings were definitely there. Suddenly, 3 days ago, when I went to his house, a question popped into my head: Do I still like him? That was the last straw. out of nowhere, I completely lost access to my feelings.I wake up and go to sleep t totally anxious I feel totally numb. I don't want to push him away because I want to be with him, but at the same time, I feel this extreme pity for him because I feel like I'm giving him "nothing" and when he shows his feelings for me and I reciprocate, I feel like I'm lying. This triggers a horrible cycle of guilt and sadness. What I'm experiencing right now is severe anxiety and panic. The thought of losing him or not having him in my life brings me deep sadness and panic, not relief. I've spent the last 5 hours crying, trembling, afraid I wouldn't recover my feelings, and longing for the past. It feels suffocating, almost like I'm forcing myself to feel something that is currently blocked. My brain keeps throwing terrible intrusive thoughts at me. Earlier, it told me it would be easier if he just broke up with me so this pressure would stop. And another one said I only want to stay with him because I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. I keep testing my mind to see if I feel anything, which just makes me more exhausted. I took Clonazepam (Rivotril) for the last couple of days to try and calm my extreme anxiety, but it obviously didn't bring my feelings back, which made me feel even more hopeless. I don't want to break up. I want my feelings back desperately. If I truly didn't care, I wouldn't be in this much agony and I would just leave. Has anyone experienced this? Did your feelings come back? Please help me and a big thanks

My intrusive thoughts seems so real about me and my girlfriend breaking up even though I really love her and I don’t want to break up with her my intrusive thought make it seem so real and now I’m starting to have anxiety thinking if this is real or if this is my true feelings going to make me feel emotionless and numb and I don’t know what to do anymore.

How do you forgive someone that has hurt you? I’m ruining a relationship because I can’t stop ruminating on what they did. My ocd has been feeding on “evidence” of what they did. They have apologized and have done work to be better but I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like a monster incapable of letting go of the past and it’s killing me. It’s all I think of. Am I even capable of being with someone if the only thing I can see is their flaws and how they have hurt me?

Hello, I was going through a super confusing scenario. I am currently getting TMS for my depression as I feel it helped as much as it can but the main cause of my depression and episodes is truly my OCD I may have to wait a year to get treatment for TMS for OCD as this triggers me because I struggle with taking medications, I was prescribed Pristiq, I feel like I am poisoning my body because the easier option is just a couple months out and I have an ED so major fear of gaining weight on medications has not allowed me to take them recently even if the bad outweighs the good, I have OCD over this because what if I ruin my body taking medications, how much weight would I gain?? does anyone know if TMS for OCD is good for helping ocd and anxiety or is tms not even beneficial for ocd? is medication management better for OCD? I don't know the correct answer being to multiple care, therapist, doctors, physicist this week alone and they all tell me different things. I don't know who to trust or believe and I have no one to help me outside of the healthcare field I am spiraling and confused more than ever please please help thank you